FIVE B's in a Pod

Life with glasses

2012-02-02T13:43:00.006-05:00

After the initial 48 hours of the newest, smallest, yet most expensive thing that I now have to keep up with as a mom were over William has not seemed to notice the little boogers sitting atop his button nose. I know I should have a crazy excited opinion about these things because they've brought more life to my already lively toddler - I just have a little love/hate relationship with them. As most things in parenting go - the transition for me to give William glasses has been much harder than it was for him. He ate sugar for 48 hours straight just so I could keep his hands in his mouth and not on his eyes. And now almost a week later he is milking his new found cuteness for all it's worth. I called my husband who was out of town on the 3rd day of glasses and asked him, as a present glasses or contacts wearer, if glasses make him act like a nut at work? William has acted like he ate brownies sprinkled with a little mari-j-uana, yall. He spins circles in order to get to half of the places he is going, hence his new official name as "the tornado" and he reaches for things in thy sky...like way in the sky! He also knows he is getting the looks and gawks of everyone who walks by so he has used that power to throw the mother of all tantrums anytime we are in public. I mean, what mama could be upset with a toddling-four eyed heart throb?

As much as I have not adjusted well to keeping up with or cleaning these little pests, I do see the life they have brought to our son. It is so beautiful to watch him see the paintings of the elephants and giraffes on our church walls for the first time. His teacher at school today said she couldn't stop laughing at him as he saw things in the class for the first time, too. I am so grateful we found this little flaw at an early early age and now William can start to see and learn just like other little tykes his age. Any bets on how many days we own these glasses before I am headed to the doctor for our second pair?
The essentials now needed to walk out the door with two toddlers and a constantly hungry or thirsty pregnant woman are uncontrollable and quite embarrassing! We're just praying William will take some responsibility at his young age and keep them on his head....for atleast a month before were begging for more and thus squeezing every dollar out of flexible spending in FEBRUARY! Yay for new eyes!

About to burst

2012-01-29T14:00:00.002-05:00

By the title of this post you probably first thought I was referring to my pants as this pregnancy has certainly humbled me in the area of weight gain. Alas, I am eating the rice krispy treats I made at 8:45 this morning for no reason at all and so, therefore, I have nothing more to say about the weight subject.

Actually, I am referring to the four-chambered organ currently pumping overtime to get all that sugar to the necessary extra fat cells all over my body. This thing is about to explode! My heart is so full today I can barely function because at any second it might either burst by means of unstoppable tears or an uncontrollable and rather obnoxious smile. I certainly didn't think this is how you would find me after 4 days and nights alone with the little man. I suspected that I would be that whiny old wife that I never want to be in the first place complaining of how hard my days were with the husband away.

Sure, little things can bring me this kind of satisfaction that may last for an hour or maybe even an afternoon but it doesn't compare to this deep down feeling on the inside that truly feels better than anything else in life. Combine skiing down one of the blacks (or Blues in my case) at Breckenridge in the early afternoon after a good snow with the taste of a Houston's brownie on an ordinary day (not your birthday) with seeing your very favorite person for the first time in awhile coming up the escalator at the Atlanta airport with the first moments after hearing the screams of your new baby come into the world and anything else you find thrilling...then multiply it to "finity and beyon'" as my 2.5 year old would say. That's the kind of ruckus that is going on in my heart right now. It's knowing that the commotion is here to stay awhile - and not because of any grand circumstance but because of a beautiful transformation in my heart - that really makes my heart swell.

Our 17 month old got glasses this week. It has been a hard few days convincing him that these little pests that sit atop his nose really can allow him to see things he has never seen. When he first got them he danced in circles and reached up at the sunlight coming through the windows. He was in his own little world of exploration and though I can't know for sure from his little babbles I think he was overwhelmed with the simplest things....the leaves on the trees, the lines in the sidewalk, the freckles on my cheeks. Today, in a different way I had the same eye-opening experience and it started with a horse.

I took William to see the horses at Chastain park after church. Ever since he got his glasses Thursday I have used every excuse to go exploring with him so he can see how astounding the world around him really is with a good set of eyes. He called every horse we saw a "doddy" (doggie) and then barked at them. He was alive with curiosity and awe. I'm gonna go all cheesy here for a second on you - bear with me. I spent half of my young years in Tampa, Florida and my neighbor, Allison, and I were a little over the top about horses. We played "horses" everyday after getting off the bus from Brandon elementary and somehow through those years we kept up with over 50 "horses" that would roam our back yard and neighborhood. There were a few horses in a fence at the back of our neighborhood and I remember distinctively sitting on that fence in the middle of 5th grade singing "It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday" by Boys II Men to the horses and to my dear friend the day that we moved back to Atlanta. We also spent our summers at horse camp which was really just where we cleaned up the stalls for a half a day in order to go on a few rides around the property. Every morning before horse camp my stomach would turn green out of the anticipation of horse camp for the day. I was that excited. I am sure if were to repeat the same day today I would laugh but to a 10 year old - the freedom to ride on a horse and go as fast or slow and to turn around or choose to take a different path on the trail was absolutely the closest thing to heaven (or driving) for me. So today it all came flooding back in without restriction. William and I patted each of the horses noses and talked about their colors and their hair. He didn't want to be put down but he didn't want to leave either and as expected showed me his true colors as we were walking out of the barn. I, too, was experiencing the same genuine, exhilarating feelings I did nearly 20 years ago with my now-able to see 17 month old son. As you can imagine, I cried and sang the whole way home, grateful for this sweet time with William and for these same feelings that mimicked my sentiments years ago that overwhelmed me then and now. But I was more so grateful for the ability to actually feel that way. Does that make sense?

I've ridden a few horses since my little years and even last year I took the boys to see the horses every month or so. It's just that right now, in this season, my heart is at such a different place to be able to "feel" these little experiences. On the way home I drove past the house that we now - after 9 months of waiting and praying - have under contract. The sun perfectly lit up the back yard and the inviting front porch. And, then Van Morrison came on the radio and of all songs it was one of my favorite but probably the least known. Van reminded me that "whenever God shines his light on {me} {He'll} open my eyes so I can see." Thanks, Van, you were there when I needed you with your simple yet truthful lyrics. Then, I did the sappiest of all things and called my husband who I haven't really spoken to in a few days as he has been away with no cell phone service and I left him what sounded like a mid-Sunday drunken voice message. I told him I was so happy and so grateful for where God has brought us. I thanked him for hanging in there with me last year and told him I was excited for all the "new" this year - a new life, a new house, and for him a new role at his job. And then I did the unthinkable and said words I thought I would never say in my life. I said "I am glad for last year and thankful that we went through it."

What? I almost just puked on the keyboard re-writing those words that I thought were impossible to say or really feel. I think until now, until today, I have been scared to really feel "happy" or to feel that deep down peace that has rooted my faith over all these years. It's like if I admitted I was happy and grateful today than by some weird karma the bad things from last year - the insomnia, the anxiety, the deep deep loneliness of fighting what seemed like a battle we would never win - would come rushing back in, attacking any ounce of peace my little heart had been devouring. Somehow, though, in God's grace, this weekend He put me at peace with accepting the past, being grateful for it, and trusting him with the present and future. I don't know what is to come from this mountain we have climbed. I still have an occasional scary night of sleep and often my mind immediately goes back to the trauma we experienced last year but I also feel like the biggest thing that I was facing, the giant per se, has been defeated. My fear was the giant.

I feared that what I'd always believed and preached - that God can do good through all things and that His timing was perfect...was not actually true. Last year truly made me question everything I had ever believed. But on this other side - I see how the year in itself only strengthened that belief and gave me proof of the very thing I had always lived by. I can honestly say today that God worked out a beautiful thing through what to me was wretched, stinky, awful, and unfixable and by doing so He also gave me new eyes, with a fresh perspective for the little and big things in my life. It's truly like I got my own new pair of glasses and I can see things completely different than I had before even though I didn't know I was not seeing them before at all. But had we not been in that place last year the new glasses wouldn't have had the same impact.

Hang with me - here's the catch: it's not that I was doing anything wrong to not "see" correctly last year. Actually, I've never in my 30 years been more humbled, prayerful, helpless, or determined about anything. Looking back now, I know that I wasn't supposed to be able to see clearly then. I was just supposed to open my hands and allow the experience to change me. God had me right where I was - low, inconsolable, and desperate so that when He finally chose to reveal Himself to me it was that much more glorious. And it is sooo glorious. Not only do I feel like I was saved from the physical and mental exhaustion of insomnia and anxiety but I was spared from walking another day ungrateful for the blessings in my life. Though we thought for sure we would have found our new house much sooner - I think someone new I wouldn't have cared or seen the gift as a blessing were it to have happened last year. Ahhhh....His timing is so perfect!

So William throws his glasses off when he gets angry with me or if he doesn't get his way. In 48 hours we have ran over them with a stroller and lost them in the grocery store twice. But it reminds me of myself - I know my eyes have been opened to something so beautiful but it is easy to go back to my old way of thinking because it is comfortable. I pray that the newness of my changed perspective, and thus more grateful heart, doesn't allow my stubbornness to win. I have been exposed to something so much more valuable than just a fresh bill of health - but rather a completely refreshing way of life. The life bursting with gratitude.

Thanks, Van, you've always been my favorite.
Van Morrison Whenever God Shines His Light On Me Lyrics
Whenever God shines his light on me
Opens up my eyes so I can see
When I look up in the darkest night
I know everythings going to be alright
In deep confusion, in great despair
When I reach out for him he is there
When I am lonely as I can be
I know that God shines his light on me

Reach out for him, hell be there
With him your troubles you can share
If you live the life you love
You get the blessing from above
He heals the sick and heals the lame
Says you can do it too in Jesus name

Hell lift you up and turn you around
And put your feet back on higher ground

Reach out for him, hell be there
With him your troubles you can share
You can use his higher power
In every day and any hour
He heals the sick and heals the lame
Says you can do it too in Jesus name

Hell lift you up and turn you around
And put your feet back on higher ground.

17 and 32

2012-01-25T08:20:00.009-05:00

Odd numbers I know. Those are the months of life our two boys have given to us or the amount of months that we've spent half dressed, fairly unsocial, and most likely caked with three different staple foods at all times - syrup, oatmeal, and mac and cheese.

I know 5 or even 2 years from now I will not be able to tell my precious sister in law's and sister that FINALLY have kids what exactly happened at these ages and for that matter, I can't really recall what happens at any particular month along the way. I tend to look at these phases like this...it seems most fitting:

-B's infancy (what? Did that actually happen? I kinda feel like he came to me reciting the encyclopedia and jumping off ledges??)
-Savannah (wow, that was a short, sweet blip on the radar)
-A one year old and pregnancy
-W's infancy (aka: The horrible-awful-no good-miserable year haunted by insomnia that taught us so much and truly united us as a family)
-And the present: A two and one year old and yet another pregnancy

This morning at the gym a nosy lady who happens to be in the next phase with 3 kids - elementary school - reminded me (as if I wasn't aware) that it's all a blur and one big mess but it'll go quick and you'll get your body back soon enough. Thanks, lady. In my current stage of overlapping pregnancies and infancy's my body image is obviously not the priority. I'm enjoying it, I replied, and walked away (or preceded to throw the 12.5lb dumbbell at her rear!) I really don't care at this point about getting "my body" back, that has been the easiest part so far and the subject of my first book -"How to shed the baby weight: nurse and then get pregnant and sick again! And then do it again!" It's more the cynical attitude that most people with multiple children give off towards us mama's in the young years of raising children that can get to me. And, it's the exact opposite of how I hope to come across when my kids are off to school 7 hours a day and I am spending my hours wasted at the gym and over long lunches with friends. I hope then I can reminiscence about the sweet sweet time we had together - all day - everyday. Sure, these days are monotonous like nothing I've ever experienced before and often I find myself feeling really guilty over my circumstantial "boredom" but I am usually quickly snapped out of it by dear women like the one's at my gyms - the ones that didn't seem to find any sort of fun in the little years. So, for my already fading memory here are just a few tidbits about the 17 and 32 month old people in our house.

The fun at night with two boys....well, "three" boys
At 17 months, William,
-You can not walk into a room anywhere without being drooled over. I don't think you are really my child. Though your daddy is really cute I can't believe we have an offspring as edible as you. You loudly exclaim "Hiii" whenever you see a figure walking past you or running from you. You just can't help but be friendly!
-You have your own language and somehow your big "bubby" understands it as he usually tells me what you need. Amid your babble if I am to ask you if you want a snack, a treat, a cookie, a sucker, a hug, your blanky, daddy, or to be picked up you stop the babble and make a sound that doesn't sound like anything but because of your tone I know you mean "yes."
-You do EVERYTHING your big "bubby" does and therefore we are in trouble! Not as much trouble if it were the reverse but you just aren't big enough to climb in the car on your own, ride a bike, or walk down stairs but you think you are and this keeps me on my guard at.all.times!
-You have 2 teeth on the bottom and I don't think you'll ever get anymore. They are nowhere to be found. You have almost 6 on top but they don't look like they've made much progress since they came in. That doesn't stop you though. You'll eat dad's beef jerky or quarters if you see them (uh oh) as well as anything else in sight.
-You loooooooovvvvveeeeee your dad. And I looovvee watching and listening to you as you call for him all.day.long! My only trick I have left in the books if you are loosing your patience with me is to give you the iphone and turn on the home screen picture of your daddy and you light up and immediately start talking to him.
-You are defiant and it is usually pretty entertaining though I know I'll have to put my foot down on this one soon. Luckily, now I am too exhausted and wobbly to care. Yesterday as I was letting you exhibit your free will by walking out of the doctors office you immediately turned around as soon as I made an effort towards you you sprinted back to the elevator as the door shut. Your sly smile was priceless. Luckily the woman on the elevator knew what you were up to and allowed me to snatch you up before you were off. Fortunately for you I lughed this time but maybe not next time.
-You like to drink out of a cup like a grown person, put on your shoes or your dads like you know what you are doing.
-If I even utter the word "dance" you start kind of waddling like a duck and squatting down to touch your toes. I don't know where you get this stuff but it's good for my soul.
-Finally, you loove your stinky blanky about as much as your dad. You suck on all ends of this thing and you know if I try to give you a new, more pleasant smelling replacement. Is this why your teeth have stopped growing? Has the blanky sucking halted their growth? I have a feeling this stinky blanky will put me over the edge at some point but again, while I'm 6 months pregnant, you could get away with about anything. And that is also because you are sweet when it comes to bed time. As soon as I start to sing "jesus loves me" you lay your head on my shoulder and your eyes start going to fading. I hope you never ever get tired of these few little minutes together.

This morning you climbed up in the stroller at 8:08am and stared at me until I "strolled" you around the kitchen.

At 2.66 years old, Brooks"
-You absolutely amaze me. I don't know where you learn even a portion of the words, songs, moves, questions, exclamations, quotes or protests that you come up with but they never get old.
-Side note: Thank you for embarrassing me today more than I have ever been embarrassed. As my 6 month pregnant behind was trying to fit into a dress in the Target dressing room you so happily screamed "Mama you have a big booty! Can you shake it shake it shake it? I want to slap your booty!" (thanks Big B for teaching him that one!) Baaahhhaaa! Again, thank you, precious.
-You have your daddy's hair and though he is a stud I pity you. It doesn't know which way to go or grow and I can tell you one day, sweet child, you will need product, too, like your daddy. Did I say that out loud?
-You are easily entertained and always have been and had I not had your brother I would have thought every child is this way. You loooovee a toy and you love it for a long time. This makes it easy to give you gifts because you so easily please the giver.
-You are stubborn for no reason. You say "no" to your favorite things just to say no. You pull every trick out of the book to not go to sleep at night but then you are asleep within 3 minutes of us shutting the door.
-But you are oh so courteous and sweet to your little "bubby" and so I almost overlook any of your improper stubbornness. You bring him his blanket even if he doesn't want it. You find suckers at 830am and give him one and you two. You are always concerned if he is hungry, dressed, sleepy, happy, not sleepy...you name it. I am glad he has you to interpret his babble.
-You love to stay in your pajamas and stay home all day. This makes me melt. I drag you out of the house by 10:30 because I go stir crazy in the small space but you protest every time even if I am taking you to your favorite place. I love that you love our home and feel safe and adored here.
-You are pretty adamant about your growing faith already. If you even hear the name "Jesus" you declare that "he died on the cross to sabe me from my seds." Wow, pretty impressive for a little dude. It kinda sounds like we brain wash you but I know your heart and it is so sweet.
-You are almost a big boy. You don't use a high chair or toddler chair. You love to get to sleep in the big boy bed for naps. You buckle yourself into your car seat and you can partially dress yourself. This is such a great progression towards having to be a big boy in a few months when you are an older brother to two siblings! If only potty training could come as easily....
-You are very opinionated and particular. You like a certain spoon and a certain bowl on a certain day and I have yet to nail it all down. You like to do things the same way each time and you protest if anything is out of sequence. This is not me at all so I would love to know more about your dad at your age.....you have to resemble him!
-Amos is your 2nd best friend and I love to watch you chase him (annoy him) everyday. If it weren't for your entertainment with him he'd be gone a long time ago! Poor pup!
-Not a day goes by when someone doesn't comment on your to-die-for eyelashes. Since I am probably not going to have a girl in this little brood I guess this is the closest thing to having people compliment me on my pretty little girl! people would hurt people for your eyelashes!
-You sleep like a champ still and I do not take this for granted. 12 hours at night and usually a 3-3.5 hr nap every afternoon. You sure do know how to please me already!
-You wear 3T in clothing and have huge feet...a 9 already! You will barely let me put you in jon jon's and longalls but I still get to every once in awhile as long as you get to pick out your (stinky) "b'own" shoes.

I love you two people so much. Thank you for a magical 17 and 32 months. I am better because of them and I vow to remember these sweet times 5 years down the road and not the "mess" or "blur" (though there is alot of truth to those words!)

Does this make you feel better?

2012-01-21T14:04:00.005-05:00

Three days in a row now I have stooped to all time lows in the department of health and self control. In an effort to possibly break my streak I thought I'd go public with my little indulgences. Mind you, as I confess, I am sampling my latest craving - fresh out of the oven. Now onto the cleansing....

If you happen to see my very seldom and random posts on facebook yesterday I actually posted a picture of the inherently Innocent salad that started me on my plight of self destruction this week. In an effort to cut back on my daily lunch adventures outside of the home and feel more domestic and resourceful I bought all of the ingredients I would request at a "build your own salad" bar this week. After the top dollar turkey was purchased along with the avocados that aren't in season, the ingredients to toast the almonds along with the other fresh vegetables and the right mixtures of three different salad dressings to get the perfect taste - I am not sure sure that my efforts are considered frugal, though maybe resourceful. So 4 days this week I actually made myself a mountain of a salad chocked full of protein, beautiful vegetables, and just enough crunch to not feel like I am denying myself. This was 4 days in a row, yall....unheard of! It is no secret to anyone I know or our bank account that a lunch out at a favorite lunch spot, and I have many, is very near to my heart and my sanity. Since what makes mama happy tends to make everyone else happy, the money-maker of the house has never once mentioned my daily little ventures all over the perimeter for just the right lunch. Hence, this was a big feat!

Each of these lunches took place after I had pulled myself together from a slow morning, dressed the boys in something maybe only half way dirty, and managed to pull together something that would fit over my belly without syrup stains in order to make it to the gym. So by 2pm if you just saw the boot camp type exercise from the woman carrying the 20+ pounds and then the super-healthy-and-even-organic lunch you would be quite envious of my will power and sheer determination. Heck, until about 2pm everyday this week I felt like the Kate Middleton of healthy-pregnant women. And. then. it. all. goes. down. the. toilet......fast.

Wednesday while sipping down my daily half sweet/half unsweet large tea with a lemon from McDonalds (which is another daily habit my dear roommate has yet to really pinpoint) I proceeded to make a graham cracker crust pie shell. FOR NO REASON. I had nothing to put in the pie shell but with the ingredients on hand this is all I had to satisfy the small sweet tooth that the hulk of all salads had left plaguing with me each passing quiet minute of nap time. As I said, it is all the salads' fault. I browned the crust to perfection and then preceded to eat around the edges until I felt sick. Then I threw it away. I felt guilty for a few minutes and then remembered what my day felt like before 2 and instead of feeling bad I felt "even" which isn't really good or bad, just even.

Thursday comes around. That day I did boot camp which I still feel the effects from as I type (and eat my most recent little sin) and then I came home to yet another heaping salad of color and goodness. And like clock work, the boys go down, I start feeling all accomplished and proud and I open the cabinet to see what little morsel of chocolate I could find. Since there was none to be found I peeked through the freezer to find the moose tracks yogurt from Publix I had bought a few weeks ago. There was half a carton left. I didn't want the ice cream - just like one small moose track would do the trick. Or. So. I. Thought. Needless to say.....that clocked in day two of absolute pregnant debauchery.

Yesterday, I thought I'd learned my lesson because Thursday afternoon I was so sick and a little disturbed by my recent habits and I knew there wasn't a thing left in the cupboard to whip together anything satisfying. Oh, but there was. And it was a winner. My mawmaw's fluffy white frosting. There is no woman I know that can make a cake, or 6, like she did. As I've written before (and here), she would go dancing Friday night. Stay out late and then come home and start on her cake making marathon. My mom had recently given me her old candy thermometer which I have never owned so in honor of my grandmother I put her tool to test and made some fluffy white icing. Yes, enough to ice a cake, again for no real reason. But this time since there was such nostalgia behind the recipe and the candy thermometer I didn't feel one ounce of bad for scraping half of the bowl clean. I simply used animal crackers as the vehicle to get the fluffy stuff to my mouth. This was absolute heaven....for an hour until again, I started to feel a little queasy and started begging the good effects of the avocado and tomato, you know....the super foods, to kick in and take over the terrible effects of the cup of sugar and raw egg white that pretty much made up the frosting. The fact that I had to beat the stuff with my already sore arms from the kickboxing class I had taken earlier made me feel all the more justified in my little concoction but still slightly remorseful.

The worse part is that I haven't shared one of my creations this week with anyone. I take that back, yesterday I let little Willy lick the beater as I was trying to clean (or conceal) my mess jus so he would be quiet and not wake his brother - or share my secrets. He walked around with a white mustache the rest of the day and felt like he had been let in on mommy's little nap time fantasies.

But today I have sort of turned the corner. Yes, I made it to the gym thanks to my sweet husband that somehow thinks I deserve a little break on Saturdays (after my strenuous week of baking and the sacrifices I made by "eating in") and then I came home to the last of my new favorite salad. Boy did I feel good! My muscles all still throb in places I didn't know held muscles and I can barely bend to sit down so I know it has been a good week of workouts for this pregnant lady. More so, I had finished my bag of spinach, 2 avocados, a carton of blueberry's, two tomatoes, and endless carrots and I figure that that combo is the most "good" that has gone in this body this whole pregnancy. But because it is Saturday, and it is raining, and the boys are asleep, and the house is clean, and I want to be a good wife that bakes cookies selflessly (questionable), and it's January which is the worst month, and I live in Atlanta, and because because because because because....because of the wonderful things she does.... I stirred up the last 5 ingredients in the pantry and out popped some of the most amazingly, simple peanut butter cookies. Hot and fresh. . . yes, ma'am! Be gone guilt!

I won't throw the other dozen away this time. That's where I have turned the corner. I vow to share with the growing boys of the house. Therefore, I don't feel as guilty and sneaky as I did the days prior. Please, though, can somebody help me get a hold of myself? I have no clue whether or not this will be my last pregnancy but I tell myself that it might and so therefore it might be my last season -ever- to feel "even" or only slight guilty after making a whole bowl of fluffy white icing in the middle of the day and eating almost all of it in one sitting! This excuse has allowed me a little too much leeway though and I really need to tone it down. Luckily I don't think there is anything I can make out of jelly, flour, worstesire sauce, and a box of macaroni. Thank goodness! Hoping for a little progress next week?!?!?

Here's the simple recipe if you ever need that quick and easy sweet tooth filled:
1 cup super chunky peanut butter
1 cup (packed) golden brown sugar
1 large egg
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup miniature semisweet chocolate chips (about 6 ounces)
print a shopping list for this recipe

preparation
Preheat oven to 350°F. Mix first 5 ingredients in medium bowl. Mix in chocolate chips. Using moistened hands, form generous 1 tablespoon dough for each cookie into ball. Arrange on 2 ungreased baking sheets, spacing 2 inches apart.
Bake cookies until puffed, golden on bottom and still soft to touch in center, about 12 minutes. Cool on sheets 5 minutes. Transfer to racks; cool completely.

And to think....I didn't even add the chocolate chips and I halfed the recipe. Talk about will power.

Still not so good at "change"

2012-01-20T08:13:00.008-05:00

I'll start this now while were in the "okay" zone of terrorizing the house. Usually on our more lazy mornings I will allow anything just so I can get some coffee/"me" time. For instance, there are atleast 300 block pieces on the floor and William has a fireman hat on with Brad's work shoes walking through the house. As I type I can picture the disaster that will happen in no more than 90 seconds. The poor child can't see well {more to come on that} so he doesn't tend to stay on his feet longer than 15 steps. The older Tasmanian devil is mixing the Scrabble and Backgammon pieces in the kitchen with a spoon. Amos is licking syrup and jelly off of the boys seats which will actually be the most productive cleaning that happens today I am sure. Cartoons are blaring in the background but no one seems to notice my ploy to distract them and just give me a. little. bit. of. Friday. quiet!

You would think the mornings get to me from the above but they really don't. They are super sweet and I know short-lived as every preschool in town is vying for my toddlers attendance along with the other available music, art, gym, and cooking classes in town. I love that right now, atleast for this stage, when I do take him to his little mini-school two times a week he actually begs me not to go. Yesterday he said, "mama, I want to go home and "pay" with you and "Nillam." I was tempted to scoop him right up and go right back home to pajamas and wrestling on the floor. Ultimately, those will be his most teachable moments, I know, not the 5 hours of "school" he attends each week. I knew that he would soon find his favorite friend, Madelyne, and forget that I was the main woman in his life. Which he did and when I picked him up he hid behind the book shelf so I couldn't see him and take him home. I love toddlers. Hot, no cold! Now, no never! Want a cookie, no I hate cookies! Wait, I want a cookie. I thought You didn't like cookies. I don;t like you, mama! (Ouch) Mama, hold me and take me everywhere you go and don't put me down even if we go to the park with all my friends after I had begged you to go all morning! As you either know or could imagine, it is exasperating. Oh, and the littlest guy's new word of choice is "MINE." He may not be able to see what he is ferociously fighting the 6 inch taller brother for but he knows how to get it and he doesn't give up and the "MINE" doesn't get any more reserved as the day goes on.

I really do, I love the mornings with my little buddies.

So I know this next part will sound a little bazaar. You'd think if I love the mornings with two little funny people than a third little funny person should be all the merrier? Ultimately, yes, I know I will love the mornings and the rest of the journey for that matter - all the more with another baby around but I get this "way" every pregnancy....where I start to mourn the loss of the "way things are." I've never ever been good at beginnings and endings which is most of the reason I think the big B and I are a good match. That boy literally lives off change and adventure. You'd think with his deep Southern roots from a classic, quaint, small town that he would be just fine to "keep on keepin on" but he is certainly not the norm. He has moved Atleast every two years if not before since he left for college and though he says he is ready to "settle" I just don't see it happening. We both talk about a few years of boredom hitting our family and how refreshing it would be to be...you know...to not be pregnant, moving, fighting insomnia or changing jobs. But really after this baby debuts in May I know we will have to stir up some change again before the end of the year or he'll grow stale and moldy. My husband loves change and he is really good at it! Therefore, you can see, he has been good for this "stuck in high school" mentality I tend to hold onto whether I'm 3 kids into parenthood or not. People ask, goodness, "how many kids do yall want? (with as much of a negative tone as you can imagine) and really my internal response is "I really haven't even thought about it," but I usually say your good ole "as many as we are blessed with..."(while also internally wondering how this cheerleading/socialite got to this place in the 1st place!)

But deep down I know my heart was stuck on our first child, the dog. I remember sobbing one hormonal morning during the 1st pregnancy thinking how it wouldn't be just me, B, and Amos anymore. I mean, sobbing. Of course now that just sounds silly because as much as I love our dog he is one of 3 things - 1) The best vacuum 2) the Best playmate to boys 3) a Nuisance when all else is hitting the fan at 530pm on a long day! Then, the last pregnancy I did the worst thing a pregnant woman can do and I literally lived in denial for 9 months that another human would actually appear at the end of the whole deal. As I've said before, I was well into labor and asking the doctor if I was really pregnant! I just couldn't imagine that I could love anything the way I loved the first "surprise" baby. And that's just the thing - we really are those people, truly, who have had THREE, yes, THREE surprise babies. We've broken every form of birth control available whether by just beating the odds or user error...we've won all three times! So my pregnancies always have a little different flavor than most of my friends who either choose or have to be very calculated to end up with a baby.

But now I look at the little man that is William and I can say there is nothing else in this entire world that has melted my heart the way he does. He is the definition of edible. Next week his little 17 month old eyes will be seeing a new world through glasses. Yes, at 17 months! I am happy that he will be able to see me and the wall and inanimate objects better of course but again, I get a little sad about the "change" that will have to occur to adjust. You would think after the 4 years we have had that I would be better with atleast the small changes but I am still a very stubborn work in progress.

Anyway, so yesterday I woke up sad for no real reason and I didn't know I was sad until I stepped outside of the boys school and saw another mom of 3 boys shuffling her little ones in the door. I LOST IT. I spent the rest of my little free time in therapy - crying therapy, exercise therapy, prayer therapy and a little retail therapy to top it off. Of course I am grateful for another little blessing and I know for certain that this baby is supposed to be at this particular time in our family time line and I know in 5 months I will not be able to picture our slow mornings at home with the two little guys but for now - in the middle of the approaching change - I had to have my moment that I have every pregnancy where I literally mourn the change.

I had dinner with a dear friend last night and she was telling me of a book by a favorite author - Larry Crabb called Shattered dreams. I am paraphrasing of course but she talked about how it is okay for me to mourn the loss of my dream....whatever that was or is....having only 2 kids or having some years to myself (how selfish is that anyway?) or being involved in a huge career....whatever my dream is it is okay to be a little distracted when God's plan is different than mine. Ultimately, I know His dreams and plan for me are always better for me but it doesn't mean it's that easy to just move forward without any emotion.

It only took me yesterday to get over my little silly sadness. Today the baby is moving like a gymnast in Cirque du Soleil and B has been poking at my belly button that is already grossly protruding. We're all better today. We have 3.5 months more as a family of 4 and after a little crying yesterday and all sorts of therapy I know I can savor each day and each moment - whether joyful or stressful - until the change is here. Each change, as frequent as they have been, the last four years, has certainly brought me to a more compete, more full, more grateful place. So I guess "bring it on" as Brad would say!

Here's a toll of the damage done in the last very interrupted hour of computer time.
-Both boys are in diapers. What happened to the pajamas?
-"Nillam" has moved the 4 kitchen chairs into the play room.
-Amos has eggs stuck on the top of his hair that were in the trash from yesterday's breakfast.
-All of the lights are unplugged. That's scary and not so safe....
-There are only 3 puddles of milk staining the few rugs we have in the house
-1000+ cards from the game Taboo are being used as money and whatever else they are imagining all over the living room.
-Sesame street has mysteriously been changed to a restricted channel called "Playboy's top 100 (en Espanol)". Nice.
-My phone is nowhere to be found after Nillam walked around supposedly talking to da-da for 10 minutes
-And it is oddly quiet and no one is in my eyesight so I am getting a little worried. I looooove our slow mornings at home together! And I am ready for a third set of little hands to "help" with the cleanup!

Cute and the most un-cute....ever

2012-01-11T16:35:00.008-05:00

Cute.

I found this picture that a friend took from about 8 months ago. Goodness how the boys have changed...and slimmed down a bit! Maybe I can follow suit as you'll hear me rant in the next not-so-cute portion of this post.

And the most un-cute...ever
I'm taking one section from this plethora of words and pictures and stories and I am going to sort of.... complain. Turn me in or think less of me but I have to indulge myself.
This pregnancy is robbing me of any hint of appreciation I may have ever had for myself. I certainly have my fair share of qualities that I would trade if I were so given the option but for the most part I'm a celebrator of this body God gave me - no matter how dispropoprtioned (umm....size 10 shoes at only 5'5" on a good day? And I even remember the pediatrician telling me at 10 I'd certainly be like my dad and hit 5'8" for sure!). I even didn't really mind my body during my first two pregnancies and of course now I look back and wonder why I ever joined the club and complained of the unwanted weight gain. Because this time around....it's alllll caught up to me! I am barely over half way pregnant and I feel just plain un-cute. The acne is out in full force, the baby bangs have taken over my life and my only 10 minutes of primp time a day goes to figuring out where to hide the hideous things, my hips are officially wider than my shoulders and my nails haven't grown a bit the way they normally do. The other day Brad reminded me how in pregnancies past I have loved the 2nd trimester...the energy, the lack of nauseousness, the attention, the excuse me - hormones...But as I kindly reminded him, "honey, every pregnancy is different and this one is sucking the pretty out of me!"
I know it's all worth it and every zit and every extra pound just means the baby is growing as it should and yes, I know it is just a phase and yes, I know real beauty is within. Gag gag gag. I don't need to look or feel like my husband's celebrity crush - Jennifer Anniston - I just want to feel like myself instead of this terribly un-cute version of me. So last night to make me feel better and to try to snap me out of my funk Brad so graciously brought me home a McDonald's M&M McFlurry. WITH AN EXTRA SHOT OF FUDGE! Thanks, hon, you really know how to make it all better. But don't think I didn't finish it? It may be my last time to have an excuse for eating all of the extra calories that the baby really doesn't need (but it sounds good.) I guess I'll live with the super un-cute a little while longer and hope that the 3rd postpartum adventure is even nicer to me than the last two. Crossing my fingers. Only 18 more loooong weeks to go and I am sure atleast 18 more lovely pounds.

Baby bangs, yes please.

Mama or hubby please get me these tall shoes for my birthday so atleast I can feel like my feet look attractive. Thanks.

A tender heart

2012-01-09T14:18:00.005-05:00

A friend reminded me today, after I told her yesterday that we had thought about cutting cable, that the new Kardashian's show was waiting for me on my DVR. Quickly the idea to lose the cable and be more noble this year flew out the window. And to think, I'm really not a trashy tv fanatic and I don't read People magazine nor do I follow any popular fashion trends. I think it is just comforting to watch a train wreck waiting to happen on tv and to think that money really doesn't buy happiness. Sure, there are happy moments on the Karsashians (buying a baby grand piano for the fun of it?) but from my perspective I hardly call a 72 day marriage and a family covering the entertainment news 24/7 a peaceful family experience. So somehow watching this show on occasion does something good for me, in our box home with more kids than the old lady in the shoe and not an item in my closet from any of the latest seasons. . .We do have happiness though and it's pretty genuine.

Anyway, I have been writing this weighty blog in my head for a few days now but really I want to go enjoy the quiet on the couch with the disastrous Kardashian sisters. But then I just received a text from a girl close to our family, a favorite babysitter. She is also a nanny for a family of 3 children under the age of 8 and after a long battle with cancer - the mother of 38 just went to be with Jesus. And my heart just broke. I think it's all the "heavy" that has been sitting on me for the last few days and this was the last straw for me to break into a puddle.

Life is just too fragile. Yes, people pass away and that in itself makes life so fragile. Children lose mothers to battles with the ferocious cancer. And then like the story I read today of a 30-something mom of two who has ow been widowed twice in her few decades here. Twice. Again, my heart just felt so full yet so so heavy at the same time. Don't worry - I am not going to share sad story after sad story because there are so many. It is so easy to see the tragedies around us and feel such a heaviness because from that perspective life does seem just so gloomy. Not to mention, the people in our immediate circles that are really hurting....and maybe not even due to cancer or another terminal sickness but because of grieving of their own...grieving human loss and even grieving the disappointment in their own life of the way they thought things should have been.

It's all just so much, especially at one time. Saturday we had the most wonderful date night out with a favorite couple friend of ours that we rarely get to see. In the future I see us being the kind of neighbors that watch each others kids when one needs to run out or having Christmas day dinner together after all of the real "family" has left. After our yummy dinner at Antico pizza on the Westside we did the craziest thing ever.....we went to the movies! I think the last movie we saw together (Brad and I) was We Are Marshall on our 2nd date. Seriously. Movies and little kids who can not yet babysit each other just don't go together one bit. Anyway, they treated us with some movie passes they had and we were off to our first movie in years. We were both so happy to actually be in a theatre, smelling real live movie popcorn and not the Orville pr Popsecret kind -that we didn't care if we were in the Winnie the Pooh movie or Pulp Fiction.

A little bit into the movie my heart just began to hurt. I am admittedly a BABY when it comes to anything over PG material. Not only do I not like it - it literally hurts my stomach. This movie, though I can say was incredibly written and had a wonderful deeper story of love and evil - was the ultimate in disturbing. I spent more than half of the movie with my head down, my ears plugged, humming any happy tune that would come to mind. I was definitely that girl. It wasn't just me - it offended us all but like I said, we were just happy to be out and so we stayed for the whole movie. Needless to say, we got in late and I spent the next 5 hours on the couch wrestling with the shots of horrific images that were bouncing in my head. I sound like such a prude and I really am not (I don't think - I mean, I am admitting to the Kardashian's)....I just somehow have inherited this ultra sensitive radar and for some reason, things that wouldn't effect other people or used to not effect me a bit really really get to me in my old age. I finally got to sleep before 4 and then woke up a few hours later and we headed to church as a family. That is where I realized just how tender my heart had become.

I blame it all on kids. I think I am mature enough to hear about or see just about anything this world could offer. Just like most people over the age of 12 I know, I have good discernment and I can tell reality from fiction easily. But when you are sitting in a movie that literally portrays something that you know happens but had never actually imagined - you just can't help but think of your kids back home, asleep, trusting at their young age that mom and dad will do whatever they can to protect them. We sang a song at church that we have sang alot recently called "this one thing," and it is talking about the one thing that remains is the enduring love of God above all other things. So I wept and sobbed and snorted and cried some more and Brad had to get me tissues and people were staring and it was just lovely I am sure. But it felt so good to let my heart be filled with beautiful words and images of true love on a cross rather than the awful images that had not left my mind since we left the theatre the night before.

The message that day was from the old testament and in short Andy spoke about "the one thing" that matters most to me. Nehemiah in the old testament was building a wall and he was asked to come down from the wall and his response was "I am doing a great work up here and I can not come down." That's just it - I am doing a great work at home with our two boys. I would do everything in my power to protect them for as long as I can from being exposed to the evil that is all over this world and all over our daily lives. I am not unrealistic. I know they will face it but right now, while they are little, it is my job to stay on my "wall", to keep my standards high, to keep the stuff that fills my mind and thus theirs - pure and lovely. I AM doing a great work up here and therefore, I realized I can not come down for anything. Not even for a little entertainment (but maybe for the Kardashian's, right, since they are just soooo far out of reality??)

As we left church I saw a friend that I used to work with who was connected to a ministry that I cant even remember much about now. I said to Brad, It's crazy how my sole purpose has become these two boys (and this little one inside). I used to care so much about such greater seeming things - things that really could impact lots of people at one time and in places all over the world. It's not that I don't care about Africa or the prevalent sex trafficking in Atlanta, I do, but all I have the capacity to do anything about right now is the shaping of the little hearts that have been entrusted to my care. I do not know, a heavier, more intricate, and difficult ministry than that high calling. So, I really just can't come down right now. For anything.

I may be put at the bottom of your blog or friend list after reading this. It certainly isn't entertaining or witty but I couldn't let the moment pass. There just seemed to be too many dark things and heavy stories floating around to let it go by. There is such darkness around us - it is obvious in much of the media that we subject ourselves to, it's in the news, and even more personal it lives and is apparent in the lives of each of us on a daily basis. But I am reminded that the light will always overcome the darkness. This Christmas our church focused on the message of that ever present, never ending, unbeatable, omnipotent light that we have in Christ. This year I pray that there is light all over our home and in our conversations and more so, in our own thoughts and minds....what a powerful place for the light to shine.

Ingredients for a pretty perfect Tuesday

2012-01-04T08:47:00.006-05:00

Yesterday was by far a standout day for me. I would say it was the best day of the year but that doesn't say much. It was truly one of the more perfect days in a very long while. I was ready for the routine to begin again. Christmas and New Years were so pleasant this year but soooo long! I think Brad was ready to get away from the minutia of a day at home with kids and I was kinda ready to have an a.m. in my pajamas with my Skinny caramel latte. Please don't judge me - coffee has done nothing but make the other two babies more.....energetic about life. So the coffee stays pregnant or not. :)
Anyway, we lounged and then headed to our beloved gym that as of the 1st finally has childcare included (in the exorbitant monthly bill)! Wahoo! Last year we spent a small fortune for my daily sanity and because of this we only ended up at the gym a a day or two a week but now....I seriously may shower there daily after a workout as I love the space to get dressed and I love to get to dry my hair with no little people tugging at the chord or milk requests.....and it's included! We also accomplished some of our standard normal-week errands and it felt so good! Yes, the routine of our week is quite intoxicating to me. With little people a routine just makes life a tad easier and obviously more predictable.
And then the real fun began.
I had a scheduled sitter while the boys napped to get my hair cut and get some (very important....like find some boots kind of important) things done. The hair stylist whom I have a slight girl crush on asked if I had dried my hair 2 times since I last had it cut in August. Why, now that you mention it, no. Of course I was requesting a super sleek and sexy hair do that would actually require me knowing where our one brush in the house has been living so she down talked me to just a little trim. Thank goodness! It's already in a pony tail - which was my one request that my new do fit back in a pony tail or else I'd lose my daily accessory to my failing wardrobe.I beg her to make me hip and cute every time I go in and I always come out happy she discouraged me from doing so. I'm a long-haired kind of girl and I've always been!
Which brings me to point #2 and 3. I won't give you all the details that make me just want to squeal at 9am in front of the toddlers. I have always secretly prided myself on being a pretty amazing detective. I like to find all the details out and know which restaurant is opening when and who is hosting the next great something and when there is a private sale or something. Probably the highlight of my year two years ago was being invited to one of my favorite eateries underground private supper club. I didn't go but it didn't matter. And maybe they invited everyone but I felt pretty special. Anyway, I'm veering...come back, honey. Okay, yesterday I scored not one but TWO pairs of boots that I have been tracking for a month now. Both were sold out in stores and online and that was that but yesterday I took home the grand prize. I located BOTH pair in states across the country that had just happened to be returned. Are you sweating with me over this? I know this is so shallow and hey, I may hate the boots when I see them but the point is I found them! I won! Oh, AND, they were both nearly half the original steep price. For stinkin real. I still can't believe my luck. I think it all has to do with the confidence I displayed walking out of the hair salon. Sweet sweet victory followed me the rest of the day as you'll see.....
But now on to the real treat of the day. And luckily this benefits my whole family and not just me. My mouth is watering just thinking over how to describe this little joy that came our way. Actually, this one deserves it's own post.

HOLY HONEYBELL

2012-01-04T08:45:00.000-05:00

Last week, I found this in my stocking. It may have been the only thing but it was worth more than any other trinket that could have been stowed in my wimpy sticking. Well, almost anything.
You see, the honey bells only come around for 2 weeks out of the year and ever since Brad let me in on this most-perfect that gift that one of his business contacts send him every year I have been a changed woman. Now, imagine this year not only has hubby agreed to bring the whole box of them home for us to enjoy but it happens to be another pregant season in our journey. There is one truth about all of my pregnancies - I am a mad woman for citrus! Citrus cooler Gatorade, clementines, orange flavored gum...you name it and I crave it the whole long 10 months. This bakers dozen box of part grapefruit part tangerine is just over the top when it comes to tackling a craving. Yall, they are the juciest most perfectly sweet-perfectly tart creation ever to enter my mouth. I think you can still order them for this year if there are any left. Or you can enjoy these pictures of the little guys enjoying their piece of my first honeybell of the year. I wasn't about to give them one of their own!

You have to wear the bib and they even come with a device to help you puncture the skin and insert a straw if that's your preferred method.

What a sweet ending to our most perfect day!

Christmas detox (and a photo purge)

2011-12-31T08:28:00.013-05:00

I could come at the subject of Christmas 2011 from many different angles. Most of them would make you laugh as you could probably relate to the mounds of endless presents from family members near and far. The presents seriously never stopped. I know the boys are young and so they are the most fun to give to - they are grateful with one toy and they hold onto it for days (and nights - waking me up to siren sounds from the oldest's crib several nights this past week) so they make a "giver" feel good and let's face it - they are happy with a box and they don't need a "big item." My brother wrapped my present in a very large box full of trash and bricks and I can honestly say Brooks had the most fun in that free box. I've actually packed away some of their loot to swap out later for the forgotten toys but so far - if you gave our boys a gift you would be so happy with your purchase - they literally play all day long and beg to stay up later in order to play one last time before bed. Heck, Brooks sleeps with half of his gifts so he would really make you proud.
Brad was even surprised with a new iphone and for a full week now I have nearly lost him to his new love "Siri." I can carry his children so atleast I have that on her...she'll get old soon, I hope! Last week I had the best Christmas present ever as I went to the gym for my favorite morning classes that I normally can't get out the door to with NO kids! Half of a workout is lugging the boys, my belly, and their "things" in for a little class so it was truly my favorite gift to leave the boys home with Brad while I indulged myself a little bit. One such morning, I got back to my car to find what looked like a sweet text from my husband. It read:
"She looks hot. She has a nice body."

I didn't think the worst. I have no reason to but I did want to know what Jennifer Anniston movie he was home watching while texting a guy friend. I texted back "Good. I'm glad you are attracted to her." Later that day he took me through a lengthy demonstration of how Siri is supposed to work when you use the proper pronouns. He had told Siri, his new love, to text his wife "she looks hot and she has a nice body" and she did just that and I was actually very happy that SIri had finally failed him. I quickly moved back into first position and thanked him for the compliment though I knew it was a load of cr#p seeing that I am 20 weeks pregnant and feel like I'm full term. Thanks, hon, love ya, too.

But really what was most true of our Christmas (other than the endless meals we consumed with family) was the peace we felt for the first Christmas in a really long time. The first Christmas married was just shy of a disaster. It was our first Christmas married and neither of us were really ready to "share" Christmas with our new families. Then the last two were well above a disaster trying to travel all over the state to see everyone we loved. We vowed last year to maybe never travel again on Christmas atleast while the kids are young and it was the best decision we have made yet. This year Christmas started early with our (dead) tree up the day after we carved a turkey. With kids the excitement starts just then and my car radio didn't leave B98.5 with the Christmas music until nearly a month later last Sunday. So it was a long, full month with lots of time to see our families and be a family by making our own memories and traditions (umm who else got to see the live nativity on Peachtree sporting a llama as a camel and a man off the street at Joseph? A new tradition for sure!) The thing that I can honestly say rang true of the entire season was the deep sense of gratitude that overtook us this season. This was a long, excruciating year for us after what we thought was already a long, tiring year last year. I remember this time last year saying "let's just start a new year....we are soooo ready for a new year!" And then, BAM, we were hit with more trials this year and at a greater magnitude than I ever thought we would face in all of our marriage. But it's really special for me to think that the year ended during the best season of them all with truly grateful, peaceful hearts.
It was really one of only a few Christmas's for me where I can say deep down I wasn't an ounce concerned about a gift I was getting. It's always easy as a mature adult to say that you dont really need anything and it's not about the gifts anyway but gosh, if I were honest many years I really hope that that one special something finds its way under the tree. I almost feel entitled to one grand treat at the end of the year. This year was so different and so refreshing. The boys helped, too. Whenever someone asked Brooks what he wanted from Santa he would look at them kinda puzzled and I would rephrase "whose birthday is coming up?" to which Brooks exclaimed baby "Dezus!" He totally got that it was Jesus' birthday and didn't really pay attention to the Santa thing. Now, I want a whole bunch of Santa in our house....I think it's magical and I know next year or the next Brooks will care more about the jolly, fat man but it was such a simple joy this year to really talk about the birth of Christ the whole month through. We played with our Fischer Price nativity (thanks to Brad's sweet sister who sent it early) and read the Christmas Story to the boys atleast twice a day. And we loved the way our church really taught the boys about the real gift given this time of year. This really was a sweet Christmas for us and such a different way to start a new year as opposed to many of the years before. More so, after coming through the struggle of insomnia with two little toddlers this year I truly feel deep deep down the gratefulness that I had been pleading for in my prayers for so many years. I learned something - that kind of gratefulness can not be fabricated. It really is learned. This year the Lord gave and take away many things but in the end He gave me a new heart and a new perspective that is the best gift I could ever have imagined.

I hope your Christmas was a time of peace as well! We're looking forward to a new year over here but in a different way than last year. It's not a "get me into the new year as fast as you can because last year is haunting us" type of feeling but rather a "bring it on" type attitude because we saw last year how strong we can become when having to walk through the fire.

Jump jump jump all day long

I just love these newlyweds

Family trip to the zoo
Lucky cousins and Big Daddy and grandma
Several trips to see the pink pig

A must read

2011-12-23T21:25:00.005-05:00

Ive never blogged from a car before but after checking Facebook all day for updates on baby hallie, a baby I'll never know or a family that I've never met, I finally saw a litle update tonight. We just spent a perfect afternoon with my family for Christmas and while soon I want to share the fun of the night- right now this update that I read is what matters in life. What a beautiful
And humble story of this little family. I love these kind of tears that are so heavy but so real and necessary.... Tears of sorrow and of praise.

Read here

This and that

2011-12-21T08:33:00.009-05:00

A LITTLE OF THIS.
My picture quality is poor, poor, poor. I am thinking I'll have to trade in any Christmas presents this year for a camera that captures the moments around here a little better. Unfortunately, I have always been a "live in the moment" kinda girl and I do not put enough thought into the future....like 10 years down the road and these boys are well into girls, and video games, and bikes and want nothing to do with me and any of my Christmas shenanigans and I'm sure I'll wish I had some edible footage of the boys' 100% pure cuteness from their toddler days. Some of the more put together moms I know get their kids pictures taken every 6 months and then even have special outfits for the occasion and then actually do the unthinkable....get the pictures printed and framed and hung. We still have Brooks' newborn pictures adorning our mostly bare walls and I don't think a picture of William exists in the house. Don't remind them of this later please. Last year we had a pass because we had a pass on all of life other than learning to sleep again but now I have no excuse! Okay, maybe I'm pregnant but that is a level playing field for me. Pregnancy is my job! Anyway, maybe in 2012 I'll be a more put together mom. Normal sleeping patterns (if pregnancy sleep is considered normal) make all the difference and any New Years goal seems that much more attainable with a little sleep. Yes, as you can see, I seriously wake up and say "thank you" every single morning. This has truly been the gift that keeps on giving this year and the biggest journey I have ever walked.
So, in the last few spirit filled weeks we have continued to wear corny Christmas attire. Yes, all of us. Brad even borrowed my brothers Cousin Eddie get-up for a party and I was so impressed that he actually wore it! I learned alot about him that night and I was pleasantly surprised with the "dress up" kind of guy I must have married. I hadn't really known it until now. Isn't that the most fun part about marriage when you learn a new little thing about the person you've probably used the restroom in front of and spent a majority of your time with over the years of marriage. I also observed this week that he is more of a little kid at heart than I had thought. In 5 nights we have now watched two of the Toy Story movies, the animated film "Up", and every old school Christmas cartoon you could fathom. Personally, I'd much rather the story of a Disney movie than going to bed after some of the more intense movies we seem to pick up. Here's our never-ending festive attire...And a picture of Brad and I at the Woodfruff Arts Center for our favorite Christmas tradition - the Christmas Carol play. Good thing I got our faces in a photo from this year or I would look back and wonder who Brad was raising these boys with

NOW FOR THAT.
It's funny to me often how things transpire. Ever since a short video (about 2.5 minutes in) of a family we barely knew from our church a few weeks ago we have been praying for the Green family. I was certainly touched by this family's faith during what is probably the hardest season for their little family yet. I had to stop and really think about what the mom, Katie, must be feeling. She has been carrying baby Hallie, whom they discovered early in the pregnancy had Trisomy 13, a chromosomal abnormality that effects every facet of a baby's life. At the time we had just entered the 2nd trimester with our 3rd child, too. Hallie is this couples third girl in just a few years. Many of the similarities were striking and thus really allowed me to try to feel what this sweet mother might be feeling though I know I would never have a clue outside of this type of diagnosis. I've just always thought things that happen in utero like this type of thing - a chromosomal thing - were one of the more tricky and difficult places in our faith. If it were me I know I'd almost want to know that there was something I did wrong to have warranted such a diagnosis but in this case it is truly a matter of chromosomes - the stuff we are made of and what we bring to the table which I think we can all agree, Christian or not, came from our parents and their parents and on and on and on but has nothing to do with my right or wrong doing as a mother.

With each of our own pregnancies Brad and I have decided not to have any of the ultra fine tuned testing that they can now do these days in order to determine your supposed risk for complications whether inside or outside the belly. I certainly think there is great value in knowing something ahead of time (especially in the Green's case) but I guess we just knew deep down that no matter what any test ever told us we would carry the baby for as long as we were given (just as this sweet family has done). Now, if there was something that showed that we were definitely going to be looking into situation like Trysomy 13 or down syndrome we would do whatever possible to know as much as we could about our time frame with the baby. Fortunately, we have just never had to walk that road.

Until yesterday. Yesterday was the big anatomy ultrasound for this baby. We had an appointment at a specialist's office which makes me feel so confident going to one of the top doctor's office at one of the top hospitals for delivering babies in the country.
While I hadn't said much about it I was a little antsy over this appointment. We had decided not to find out the sex of this baby so it wasn't over that lingering question. It was because of the gobs of medicines that I was taking night after night the first several weeks of this baby's life in order to fight insomnia. We didn't find out we were pregnant until about 7 weeks so there were 7 solid weeks of chemicals that I didn't want in my body let alone a growing fetus. After a lengthy ultrasound with multiple pictures of the baby's heart and kidneys as I guess those are two of the main indicators of a problem the ultrasound tech left the room and the waiting began and it lasted for what felt like forever. Brad paced as usual and I laughed at him while secretly praying that I could be ready for any news.
Our news was not terrible. We won't need to make any decisions like the Green's did in this situation. But the report wasn't spotless either which leaves a chance for something to be discovered when this sweet life joins our family in May. Since my husband is an adopted math guy (former forestry major and tree expert) he assured me after running some numbers of al my risks that he calculates our chance is less than 3% that our plans for this baby's life could look very different come May (though the doctor said 20%....3? 20? close, right??). I am certainly not one to focus on the minute chance that is out there and I am so elated that we stand on the other side of the ratios. But it had me thinking alot yesterday about chances.
The chance of us getting pregnant on the IUD was less than 1%. But here I sit as pregnant (and plump) as I can be having put all my hope in that little miracle uterine device. And my faith in a God that prepares a path for me and knows my days is more solid than it has ever been because of this (very small) chance we took. My life and my outlook changed the moment I saw that pregnancy test in late September. More so, the chances of the nurse at my OB not doing the routine pregnancy urine test the day I came in for a check up are probably even lower. Yesterday I thanked her for her mistake and I think she almost slapped me. Had we known then that I was pregnant I would have certainly thrown out the medicine and this long wait until this big ultrasound wouldn't have been so heavy for me - thinking all along that I could have caused harm to this unborn child. But God knew every single detail of this story. I don't have time to go back to how God made me and put together my story with Brad but I can see how intricately we "fit" and it's not because of some insane romantic feelings we share (though they exist) but because we really are a team - even waiting for the news of our 3rd born child. And He knew the moment we found out we were pregnant with our 2nd child that it would set me and my body into a very lengthy and exhausting search for something....for sleep, for acceptance of my role as my mom, for normalcy, for a truly grateful heart, for an answer?? But that search and the long wait now ending with a baby as an answer has taken my faith to places I could never have imagined....even in my volunteering multiple times a week, small group leading, mission trip leading, super duper prayerful days with time galore to read and write and just listen....I didn't understand my faith like I do now. He has used this entire journey - every single ounce of it to put me in a state of awe.
And He knows the way the story will go in May of next year. I am surprised that I don't have any part of me that wants to go do all the tests we can to see if we can determine something. There's nothing wrong with doing all those tests but there is also nothing we could do. I have more trust in the "chances" of what might happen because I feel completely submerged in a ocean of grace and mercy after coming through this most tremendous and tiring year. That doesn't mean the outcome will necessarily be the prettiest but neither was insomnia. Neither was getting pregnant 3 times within 3 years - or atleast that's what I had thought. I wouldn't be in this place today were it not for those two large, unexpected detours - kids and chronic sickness - in my story. I know now, that in all things, good and bad, God can work in breath taking ways for the good....for the GOOD....of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes.

Please continue to pray for the Green family as little Hallie lives her 3rd unexpected day!

Pregnant thoughts about chil'rens

2011-12-15T13:16:00.008-05:00

I was admittedly in denial the last time I was pregnant and I don't say that lightly. It wasn't just "Oh, I forget I am pregnant sometimes." It was more like "I can't believe I am really having a baby," as I was laying in a bed 7cm dilated at the baby factory up the hill. I just hadn't wrapped my head around the fact that I was a mother in the first place to be {already} having another child. Quite humorous how God works, huh? Just in case I wasn't secure in my role with one thing to take care of for the rest of my life - there was another. And now I am "PG" for the 3rd time around and I am finally thrilled to say I not only accept but embrace and adore my role as a mother. Third times a charm, right? So of course when I talk to neighbors or strangers or whomever that says they aren't "ready" to have kids I have to sort of chuckle because like most big events in life - you'll never actually be ready. It takes going through the experience itself to develop whatever it is that you think you need to be "ready." And for me, I've had to walk through it twice to finally say I am more "ready" than I could be though I know that even this child, and this birth, and this new life will be different than anything I have prepared for the first two times around.

Which kind of brings me to my next thought. This one stirs something in me so deep. Among the multitude of counselors and psychologists that I dated last year during that awful year in our lives I remember one such counselor asking me questions about my choices about (or against) birth control. She told me that I have a very deep value for life. That sounds really hokey and counselor-like but I got what she was saying. I guess I just really take it seriously that I have the ability to not only create life but also to give life to those close to me. Before I was of the child baring stage I was most deeply satisfied when I felt like I could offer something of value...real personal value to someone. Though I still get the same joy when that takes place now it's kind of different and much more grand. It's the gift I have been given to literally give life to a baby. Last week I told Brad I thought 5 or 6 kidaroos would be great. He spit his food out and turned pale. Now that we have just gotten over the "hump" of the first year of a baby's life I can start to see the forest through the trees. This whole game...the passing of a life....the stacking of years FLIES by! I have to make myself look at pictures from just 2 short years ago when Brooks was an immobile, drooling 14 lb little guy. Now, 20+ pounds later and a whole dictionary of words and I can not recall one single thing about his baby-hood. It really does fly - just like your great great aunt always told you. I don't need 3 more little ones right in a row like these 3 babies but I embrace the idea of a whole bunch of little lives to impact (and to be impacted by) running all over my house one day.

I know I am biased because I know nothing different right now but I feel I've finally been let in on the greatest secret and gift of all time....children! I've had alot of fun seasons in my short 30 years and many that Brad still likes to token as my "glory days." We've all been in those seasons or maybe you are there now. But as I type, still unshowered, dressed in my typical workout clothes, and having just eaten the crusts of the peanut butter and jelly's the boys ate (or threw) for lunch - I can honestly say these are my glory days! I feel selfish at times to get to enjoy such fabulous, authentic, yet free entertainment. Atleast 4 times a day as a mom you find yourself laughing out of true comedic exploration from the mouth of a toddler or laughing at yourself for ever thinking something might go seamlessly as it once did before kids entered. Like Monday when I came in the living room after almost 40 minutes of a peculiar silence to find Brooks having opened 11 of the 14 presents I had just wrapped during his nap. I had no words. His face was too innocent and just too sweet to even tell him he was wrong. We rewrapped the presents and told him he had to wait until Jesus' birthday. So now everyday, all day he asks me if it can please be Jesus' birthday. And last night I came down the stairs to go to a party and William clapped like I was a hot air balloon and Brooks told me I looked like a princess. Hello???? You just can't pay for that stuff and you can't fabricate it. There are definitely really really hard times and they, too, happen daily. There are hours that turn into days where all I feel like is one overrun babysitter and nothing the boys do or say can snap me out of it when it's one of those days. But the unevoked, unfabricated, simple purity that is experienced while babysitting" these little people truly is what makes these of all years - truly my glory days.

So, if you stuck with me through all the sap on motherhood here are a few pictures to woo you and a few lighter thoughts from the brain of a pregnant woman.
-Now that I am relearning how to sleep again (with the exception of a few rough nights like last week) I have remembered that I am a stomach sleeper! I loooove to put my hands under my head and under my pillow and feel like a little girl again as I drift off. I think there is money to be made on a product that allows a PG woman to sleep on her tummy for longer than the first trimester??
-Dreams, dreams, glorious dreams. Atleast the crazy dreams assure me that I am sleeping but goodness, if you can put dolphins, a storm at sea, a boyfriend from 7th grade, and a dunkin donut all in one dream - it's got to be stirred from the hormones!
-I deplore (is that a word) maternity clothes. I have never bought too many but the few things I did buy have been lent to my other expectant friends and now I am left with not a thing for this belly to wear. I just hate to ask for anyone to buy me maternity clothes for Christmas but as Brad reminded me the other day - I am always pregnant and therefore maternity clothes would actually be a wise investment. Thanks, honey.
-I will be half way through with this gig come the 1st of the year. What? Half way? I realized this the other day and also realized these could be my last 5 months in a long long while (unless we break the odds again and conceive under the 3 forms of birth control I am being forced to use (which is highly likely)) to enjoy the freedoms of pregnancy.....the 2nd helpings, the laziness in the mornings, the half hearted workouts, the more womanly figure up top if you know what I mean, and the desserts! I am never one to go crazy during a pregnancy or nursing period because let's face it - that would mean craziness would prevail (25 of our 49 months married have been spent PG) but this time around....just in case it is the last one for awhile - I am taking full advantage of the caloric needs for a body to grow a baby!
-Brooks asked Santa for a baby "dister". Uh oh. I hope he won't blame Santa when another boy part pops out in May. We won't find out for certain this time if the little person is a boy or girl until the birth but I am quite certain that boys are all we do. And how cute....I have always thought a mom of 3 girls or 3 boys was just the most edible thing but I just never thought I'd be that mom.
-I really really really want a margarita. A whole one with a straw and salt and an umbrella. And margaritas aren't normally my thing but I really really just want a margarita.
-Brad and I are already starting to think about how to celebrate our 5th year anniversary next October. We will also be celebrating 4 years of pregnancy and 3 kids and the anticipation that I will be a normal-non pregnant-sleeping wife come next year! Any suggestions? I Crazy! I really want to go skiing out west since skiing has been one thing that has been restricted since we went on this baby marathon. Ahhh.....I can't wait!

I hope I didn't scare anyone today....

Why can't I open all "da p'esents, mama?"

The great, the bad, and the plain ugly

2011-12-09T07:53:00.006-05:00

THE GREAT
I don't need any words to show you the good around here. It's real good like I said last week. Happy toddlers and lots of seasonal things to do as a family. These truly are the moments to live for and the ones that get you through the not so great ones below.
Happiness in a candy cane from Santa!
We take nightly drives to look at lights. This is a house around the corner and there are 127 blow inflatable Christmas items. Holy power bill!
Last weekend we went to the Christmas parade downtown. We rode the "choochoo" there (MARTA) and the boys loved the bands and the floats. Great family tradition in the making!
We wrestle in bed. I love to come around the corner and hear these two laughing at each other. I stand by my stance no matter how much havoc it has wreaked on my body - that two kiddos close together is wonderful!
We love church during Jesus' birthday season. Brooks loves pointing out the characters to a nativity whenever he sees them. He also loves singing songs at Waumba land at our church. Who doesn't take pictures of their boys in the parking lot after church?
We make Christmas cookies almost daily!(and mommy eats them all)
We go to our favorite neighborhood park even when it's silly cold.

THE BAD
Hand. Foot. Mouth. Ewwwww! The oldest has complained of his "teef" hurting all week and finally Tuesday I figured it out. He had hand foot mouth disease which sounds as bad as it is....little sores on the hands, feet, and the worst - in the mouth. Poor guy. He has eaten milkshakes and oatmeal for 5 days now and he won't talk because it hurts so bad. At first the quiet was really (really) nice but after a morning of the silent treatment I really missed his innocent questions and comical observations. But dont worry - he has made sounds.....lots and lots of whining! I have prayed that his sores would heal quickly and that the little little guy would miraculously escape this sickness. Not to mention, yesterday I did see that on top of the sores he is getting his big ole two year molars in the back of his mouth. Sign me up for a root canal instead. I can't imagine the discomfort! Hopefully this weekend his spirits will perk up and he'll talk to us again. Just pathetic......
But...a popsicle for breakfast isn't soo bad, right?

THE VERY VERY UGLY
Even though this one is just nasty on the scale of nastiness - it doesnt overshadow the joy of the first one. Yes folks, the inescapable, despicable, torturing insomnia! I won't talk long on this because I on't want to give it that much credit in our lives. The hard part is that the nightmare of this past year is so recent so one night off and all of the old weighty emotions come flooding back pretty quickly. Im on night 4 now of less then 3 hours of sleep a night. The good thing is a body can actually function (though pretty wearily) on that little sleep. The bad thing is there is truly no reason for it and I spend 98% of my brain power during the day and night trying to figure out the cause and there just isn't one that I have found. I am tempted to call all the doctors again today but I also recall the anxiety that a flurry of doctors can cause on a person not sleeping well. Last night was the worst and I think I finally dozed off to the 2nd round of Christmas vacation somewhere after 5 this morning. I know that for the majority of the last 10 weeks I have enjoyed sweet sleep again so the worry isn't there (yet) but I can honestly say that the hardest thing I may ever have to do - is somehow convince myself to just accept this situation and not try to fix it. I exercised hard yesterday, got outside, relaxed before bedtime, didn't fall asleep on the couch, didn't drink caffeine after noon....you name it....but somehow the moment I lay down my body and mind turns on like I am going on the night shift or something. I am more than grateful that I don't also have the mess of medicines mixed in this ugly, ugly thing so that is the thought I will try my best to hold on to today. God knows my mess and though I may never be "healed" I know He won't leave me. And I do believe that He can make beautiful things out of even the ugliest of situations. My strength comes only from you today, Lord. And a little morning coffee. :)

Legitimately happy

2011-11-29T13:13:00.004-05:00

I feel girlish, silly even, to say that sweet little statement above. If I've learned anything in my mere 3 decades it is that happiness isn't the ultimate goal in life and it certainly never comes how I might have expected. Many authors these days are all about the secret to happiness and unfolding it in 300 quite monotonous pages. This is especially true if you are a Christian author because of all people shouldn't your typical Christian be the happiest of all? We've got God and Jesus and all of the angels and special powers on our side, right?

Well, as I experienced first hand this past year and a half my faith and my happiness are not directly related though I found that once I finally got the first one the second one came with a little more ease. I've given myself alot of grace from that last year. I wasn't a good friend to anyone. I feel if anything that I "took" a whole lot from everyone...prayers, meals, sympathy, consoling, and whatever else and I really had nothing to give to anyone. I certainly was not a good wife but luckily I married a very understanding person and our marriage has truly flourished from that awful year and the nights of sobbing, the missed work days, and even from the lack of sleep. I was okay at the mom thing but that was only because the boys weren't necessary old enough to know better and whatever I did have to give seemed to go to them. I know I wasn't a good sister or daughter or servant but certainly not a "good Christian" if you can be one. For the first time I was truly faced with something that money, time, a doctor, a medicine, a vacation, a massage, a special visit from a special friend, a prayer meeting with hands laid on my head and everything couldn't fix. Of course I couldn't see it then but I am starting to see now as each day gets a little brighter than that place...that place with no answers tied on the top of the package in a pretty bow...that that is right where God had me.

Many mornings now I wake up - which is so beautiful to say - and I try hard to recall what it used to feel like...how long the days were but how much longer each night was alone and awake. Once I start to visualize what it looked like I have to stop because my heart starts racing. Then sometimes during the day I will try to remember the days with the two active boys looking at me so edibly, so affectionately and I remember feeling like there was no light in my eyes to look back at them. I felt dirty and ungrateful. No matter how bad things were I had these boys and Brad and shouldn't that fix everything? It made everything not as dark but as I said, there was no answer to the place I was in last year....it was one messy, twisted, complicated, sticky, unknown mess with no bow on top.

But today I know I couldn't feel the Christmas music on the radio the way I do now. I couldn't enjoy the meaningless conversation with a stranger at the park. I couldn't take in the quiet of the afternoon nap like I get to do today if I hadn't truly walked through the valley that I walked through last year. Everything now seems so much bigger and grander than it ever did before and even before this past year. A quick kiss from Brad as he leaves the door stays with me throughout the day. Hearing Brooks pray at night lingers in my head for hours where before I smiled a crooked smile and knew I was missing the whole blessing though hearing it for myself. The cold air today feels that much colder and the smell of the Christmas candle burning in the kitchen runs throughout my veins and it's like I can feel it all over me the way I used to feel what I described as a current going through me all day and night to keep me going. Yuck yuck yuck.

Lastnight Brad came home in the rain and dark. It was a Monday and a Monday after a long, great weekend of giving thanks. It was just set up to not be a pleasant environment when he walked in the door. To his surprise, everything was kinda perfect. Yall know I am not one to brag about how leave-it-to-beaver-ish my home is because often, it may look reeeaaallly good on the blog or facebook but yall know it isn't always that lovely - that magazine worthy. Last night it was. Yes, the fire was going, the tree lit, the house straight, dinner was simmering, and the boys were giggling at each other from their chairs and their squeals when daddy walked in the door could have melted the hardest of hearts. That was all nice and yes, very perfect, but it wasn't what Brad felt and what I had felt the whole day. It was something bigger, deeper, wider, grander, and more sincere then a candle that would fade and holiday music that will end in another month. It was the inner sense of peace that almost always can only come after having walked through a valley and having come out on the other side. And I am not even saying - having come out "healed" because who know what is in store - but having come out with your hands fully open, surrendering to a God who, fortunately, knows what is best. Even if His best is another pregnancy and another little one under one roof. It's this - having surrendered to wanting the bow on top of everything. I used to think there was a reason and an answer for everything and certainly if there was going to be struggle than there was going to be an overwhelming reason for that struggle. This whole thing proved me wrong and taught me the most valuable lesson...that not everything can be explained - atleast not immediately. We have to get to a place where we are okay with that and that is where that "trust in the Lord" thing comes in play in a real way. Real trust....the hard kind...is where the genuine happiness is hidden.

"I'm so happy," I told Brad as he walked in the kitchen. I haven't said that in so long. Actually, I may have said that but I haven't felt that in so long. Not only do I feel favored as anyone would who had been through so much and felt so rescued but I feel so lucky to have had such a horrific experience and to be able to truly "feel" now. Sadness, grief, joy, sympathy, exuberance, humility, hot, cold, music, pain, thankfulness, sorrow, shock, gratitude...I can finally feel it all for the first time in many years.

And I finally get that thing I have been telling people since I started going to church. I finally know what that "peace that passes all understanding" feels like and honestly, it has a little to do with the fact that things are better, yes, but more to do with the fact that I had to finally let go of alot of things I was holding onto in order to receive this legitimate peace.

Pin this

2011-11-20T15:15:00.007-05:00

I stayed away from Pinterest for a long time. I mean, I got an account and let it sit there just knowing I didn't need one more thing to distract me in a world that wants me so badly to be distracted. More so, I just didn't want to add to anything that would make me "want" anything more. Isn't there enough of that already? Anyway, a few weeks ago I cracked for a second and found a recipe that I was looking for for apple crisp. It was delicious and I had fun following through on my desire....going to the store, taking the time to cook and not skimping on any of the ingredients. If you happen to have found me on pinterest I am sorry because I am not going to be the originator of any brilliant thoughts but rather a copier. That's the stage of life I am in and I'm okay with that. I know maybe that is what half of the idea is - some people create things and some people just "pin" them and hope to one day create or obtain them.
Well today I was a little turned off. Or alot. If you just hit the "explore" button and explore everything being pinned 75% of the photos were of a few ridiculously blessed in the bosom type women with hip bones that stick out. And then always there was some young teen or 20-something posting the picture and labeling it her "motivation." One of these such pictures even had 20+ things you could do to get this skinny - anywhere from making yourself a snack and then throwing it away just to feel some will power, to chewing on ice when you get hungry. Geez. This just made me sad for so many females out there who constantly, I mean constantly are wanting to look like something else. I don't know if it was marriage or motherhood but I hope it was before when I finally learned to love the me that god created - every curve and dimple.
Okay, I just needed to rant a bit.
But - I also want to just pin pictures of the boys on pinterest and I know if I did I would really lose all popularity. I mean pictures of cute clothes or yummy cookies are enticing and I love love love the fresh ideas for a home makeover and I can't wait to one day have our own home and hope to implement many of the things I have seen but as a mom or a dad - do you not just think your own kiddos are the most pinnable thing out there? I feel the same about your kids too or your Wheaten terrier dog as well because obviously they are my 2nd favorite thing (shout out to Amos!)...I really do. To me the sweetest, cutest, most desirable things on the planet are the expressions and smiles of innocent little folks. So, here, you can pin this and that may be all I have to add to "pinterest" or facebook of the like for several years. I know my creative brain will come back to life soon enough but right now I am happy living life through the eyes of a toddler.
(Now if only I had beautifully taken pictures to post here but alas - I am still using the iphone for all of our memory making!)

He may hate me for that one later.

And this is the tree at our neighborhood park. Ahhhh...fall how I love thee most!

The long but beautiful story of the miracle baby

2011-11-17T10:09:00.001-05:00

The morning of Saturday, September 24th started just like most mornings over the last 14 months. I got out of my “bed” which had become the couch just before 6 after fighting through another night of not falling asleep. I mean- not sleeping whatsoever even after swallowing a little pill the night before that was supposedly one of the most effective and potent medications prescribed for insomnia. This most recent chapter in our long battle with insomnia had really torn me apart. Granted, I was finding sleep every few nights which was far greater than some of the weeks spent in this nightmare but it wasn’t for certain and the anticipation, anxiety, and genuine fear that now existed around something seemingly so natural had robbed me of the little joy I might feel after even a little sleep. I had seen 13 doctors and tried 12 different medicines over the past year+ all with little success. We had literally turned to everything possible to try to take a stab at this disease or symptom or whatever the doctor wanted to call it and that “constant search” was stealing me and my family of just a normal life with two little ones.....which should be trying enough alone. We spent our savings on every type of therapy and doctor that had been mentioned to us. More so, we had fallen on our knees so many times and really for the likes of a solid year we had heard no real answers. But the more we tried to find an answer or some relief the bigger the problem became.

The last doctor seemed to be a God send as he really understood the problem and he was realistic about the progress I could make. He didn’t promise me sleep in 11.5 weeks as one holistic doctor had told me if only I were to buy in to a whole regime of natural supplements. He hadn’t told me just to wait it out until my hormones from the two back-to-back pregnancies leveled out. He affirmed me that my burden was heavy and that it was barely understood and that it would take a very long time to get to the bottom of it because I had made it so big by even trying to solve it so relentlessly. Though I had finally found a doctor that most seemed to “get it” I still felt very alone. I knew I wasn’t facing a life threatening cancer but in my own way this had become my cancer. No one can truly comfort you when they aren’t in it....experiencing the emotion, the deflation, and the exhaustion for themselves. I had come to a place where it seemed there was truly no answer. The week prior I had just emailed a trusted group of friends whom have walked this journey with me as best as they could during this year. I had asked for wisdom or prayer or anything as my new doctor was wanting to add a 2nd medicine to the the already powerful 1st medicine that wasn’t working. I had delivered my first child naturally for no real good reason at the time. I just felt deep down that I was supposed to do it. After that experience I could see this whole mentality transforming the way I had always thought about my health. But then the very next year everything at my core was challenged as I went through medicine bottle after medicine bottle to find any relief. It literally brought me a little lower each night as I shut my eyes and swallowed a pill and hoped not even for sleep but for the ability to relax and let go.

So that Saturday in September changed my life, my faith, and my story for good. It was half time of the Georgia game and I had come home from a morning out away from the boys and Brad. I had had a weird conversation with a random stranger that morning that had me thinking. She was sadly talking about a friend whom wished she had aborted one of her twins because the one was having development trouble. They were 10 weeks old. My heart was broken for this woman somewhere in Atlanta and I drove home just praying that God would change that mother’s heart and comfort her in a way she had never known. Though I was in the middle of the heaviest trial I had ever faced I had seen my two little boys as the gifts that God gave me in the storm. They were truly my only hope and the one thing that kept me going each day. I knew I couldn’t just fall apart no matter how tired, frustrated, or hurt I was with them watching.
This conversation had me thinking about my own recent decisions. We had our first two boys 14 months apart and I had said ever since the youngest’s birth last year that I would do it again if only I was feeling better. But to eliminate any possibility for the most selfless thing to happen in the middle of what felt like the most selfish season of my life...battling for my health and sanity...I went “all the way” and had the IUD put in a few months prior. I don’t really know what I thought about it, I just knew that there was no way we could be surprised again with a baby when I was a mess and my family was barely treading water. The IUD is reportedly 99.999% effective so short of abstinence I was feeling pretty confident.

Anyway, the whole day the random woman’s comments sat with me. When I came home briefly that Saturday I went to change my clothes, use the restroom, and you know...take a pregnancy test. It wasn’t possible that I was pregnant but I just had to see the little thing say “No” because all I could think about was the heavy cocktail of medication my doctor’s had me on for the past several months. What if a doctor were to ask me to abort a child because of the harm I could have caused from medicine? I don’t know why I kept thinking this...I just wanted to understand this woman’s friends’ heart. How could she ever think that abortion would have been the better option?
I came stumbling down the stairs from our bathroom and asked Brad “why does this thing say I am pregnant? I can’t be pregnant. It’s not possible?” Brad asked if I ever really had the IUD put in, sort of jokingly. He then came over to see what I was seeing and he, too, was a little baffled. It wasn’t clearly a “yes” but it wasn’t fully a “no.” So he did as I never thought he would do and left the Georgia game to go to the drugstore. $20 later and with the top of the line test in hand, the one that can’t be misread - it says either pregnant or not pregnant - we tested again. Inside I was thinking the worst. Not even that I was pregnant but that maybe I had some weird cancer or tumor as I had always thought and for some reason this test was showing positive. I mean, I had the IUD in...the birth control that is 99.999% effective. More so, there was no way God or the stork or anyone could think that a baby, right now, would be a good idea. It would truly be the last straw.

Well, the handy-mac-daddy pregnancy test took 2 minutes and just before the game came back on the little test read PREGNANT.

I wish I could say that the rest of the afternoon was all giggles and screams and hugs. It was so much the opposite that I almost wish not to recall the details. Let’s put it this way - I was petrified of what this meant. I couldn’t even think that the word “PREGNANT” meant a baby or anything else. All I could think is that somebody messed up. Ashamedly, it was the most selfish feeling I had ever felt. Why would a God that I believe in and have waited patiently for a whole year to save me have allowed this to happen? What would I do with the new medicine that I was 4 weeks into and against all recommendations I was not supposed to just stop, cold-turkey? Brad tried to bring joy to the situation and talked about the 3rd child that would join us and how we had wanted them close together anyway. He said atleast they would be 22 months apart which seems like icing compared to 14. He was very sweet and genuine but honestly all I felt was pity. He wasn’t the one not sleeping. He wasn’t the one in a knot of turmoil and intense anxiety over having to take a medicine that wasn’t even working. And he wasn’t the one now carrying a child. How could I give anything to a baby when I felt like the worst version of myself? My mom always says I don’t get angry easily but I was angry. I was angry with God for my new predicament and I literally felt absolutely helpless for the first time through the whole thing.

That night after trying not to think about the obvious - Brad and I had to decide what to do with my medicine. It was clear to him. I was pregnant. The medicine is strongly discouraged during pregnancy so that was that. To be honest, I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up for many weeks and only then when there was another solution for my sleep situation. Clearly, he didn’t understand the place I was in but I am grateful for his wisdom and foresight especially in the crucial times.

We prayed together that night that God would pick us up when we were at the bottom and that He would protect this new life from the harmful things that had been in my body. He went upstairs that night around 11. I gave him a half crooked smile and told him I would see him in the morning as I took my usual position on the couch. And I wept like I never knew I could. I didn’t know that I wouldn’t take the medicine. I really didn’t know what I would do. It felt like time had stopped and it was just me and my couch and my medicine and the big fact that I didn’t know how to sleep on medicine, let alone throwing it all away. Rebound insomnia was a sure thing -there was no way I could escape that.
That night was one of the loneliest places I had ever been. Somewhere after 3 I finally fell asleep for a few hours. Brad woke up early on that Sunday to come check on me and as he walked down the stairs I looked over and just cried and laughed and melted at the love that had bombarded my heart in those two hours of sleep.

God, my Healer, changed my heart, my perspective, and my story for good that long night. That Sunday morning I knew that God had sent the impossible as an answer to my problem. I had actually slept for a few hours which was a few more than I had the night before on medicine. More than that, the fear, extreme anxiety, and, worry were gone. Completely. The Lord had truly sent a child to deliver us from the worst year of our lives and though it was highly unlikely to get pregnant - that is just what I was, pregnant and free for the first time of the dark cloud that had been over me.
The next two nights I slept a tad bit more but I never really thought about the sleep. I just knew my prayer for an answer had come and my spirits were completely different. On the 4th night I fell asleep, in my own bed, and awakened 7 hours later for the first time since before William’s birth. Each night that was farther away from the medicine and the commotion caused over the medicine was a little better. And then about 10 days later the beautiful pregnancy hormones kicked in and I started sleeping like I never had before. 2 hour naps everyday while the boys napped and falling asleep on the couch at night at 8:30...that kinda sleep! And each day I was more and more humbled over the love that God had shown me through this miracle baby.

We celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary in October and Brad commented on the way home that it was the 1st date in months that we didn’t talk about sleep or doctors or the latest person I had spoken to whom had had a similar experience. It was so refreshing. Like I said, the sleep is nice but it was never really the sleep that I wanted back so desperately. It was the peace of mind. The race from doctor to doctor to therapist to the pharmacy to any book on sleep or anxiety to the acupuncturist to the internet had absolutely robbed me of my joy. I had felt like if I didn’t find the solution no one would because my situation seemed to baffle everyone I met. I had never experienced anxiety and I didn’t seem depressed..... My blood sugar, hormone and any other level always seemed just fine so I was always sent on my way....to figure it out on my own. I finally had my peace of mind back and I felt alive again. I had claimed this whole year that God would do something big with my story. I knew it deep down but I had started to think that insomnia would just be my cross to bare. And who knows...maybe it is? But I can honestly say with confidence now that God has done something with every night I spent alone, in fear, and burdened over the turn of events.
The speaker of my bible study for mom’s spoke at our first meeting this fall about being “seen” by God. I wrote this on my paper and scratched it out that day. I knew God was with me and He wasn’t going to let me die over my lack of sleep but I surely didn’t feel “seen” by anyone.

But can you imagine how “seen” I felt that first morning after actually falling asleep without having to swallow anything? And to have felt like myself again for the first time through a very very long season of sadness?

Our miracle baby will join us sometime around mid-May. I still sleep better than I did before but as we are now in the 2nd trimester the new found energy burst has helped me feel better but has also left me awake at night. My attitude about the lack of sleep is completely different and I know it is just a process of retraining my brain and body how to sleep even if I am not drooling on the couch at 8pm the way I was those first beautiful weeks of pregnancy. More so, the one goal that I had told my last doctor - that I wanted to be able to sleep without medicine has been fulfilled and the lack of anxiety that comes with that is overwhelming. My peace of mind is so much better.

Of course on this end I wouldn’t trade one tear, one sleepless night, one heart-wrenching conversation, or one pleading prayer for this surprising news. We are so excited about this new, beautiful addition to our family! What an unexpected answer to prayer for us.

The other side of being a SAHM

2011-11-16T08:08:00.004-05:00

Stay at home mom's: a lunch-time restaurateur's worst nightmare and a Groupon/LIvingSocial/Daily deal site's grandest dream come true.

There are so many aspects of being the domestic CEO of our household that are just blissful but I know you rarely hear those parts. It's unfortunately much easier at the end of a long, snotty day to amuse readers with the fumbles of the day involving little ones. But there are so many treasures of my job that I take for granted but will have a hard time doing with out should I ever take my efforts back to Corporate America.
As always, in no specific order:
1) Easing into the morning. I have 4 robes and I alternate them every few days. I have a great pair of rugged slippers and those are used every morning. Whether or not I choose coffee in the morning I make it just to smell it and hold it and sometimes the coffee, robe, and slippers are still in use come 10:30. I watch the money-maker of the house scurry out of bed at the sound of his (hideous) alarm and within 20 minutes the lights are pulling out of the driveway. I don't envy this part of his day as I do his private and alone time on the office potty. I love taking our time with everything in the morning. Actually, the more time I take - the better - the less time to entertain before a 1pm nap!
2)Choosing if/when I'll shower. I know, most people have to start their day with a shower but for us stay-at-homers a shower is almost a hassle. I don't think I've been able to dry my hair in 2.5 years now and a wet head is never comfortable all day. Therefore, I often "choose" not to shower and rather just "rinse off" as rapidly as possible before the dog ends up in the toilet by the youngest one.
3) Chick-fil-a get's it's own line item in a budget. Whether it's picking up lunch to take to the park or terrorizing the playground on an afternoon when naps just didn't happen Chick fila is the place to go. And I know they are good to all of their peeps but hello.....if you are not a mother have you ever watched the red carpet rolled out for the crazy mom's of multiples at lunch time? I'd argue it's better than a 5 star restaurant without the shame of leaving the thrown food on the floor.
4) During the summer it is a part of the job description of a mom to explore every new yogurt shop in town. I am a sucker for a build your own yogurt so I do very well at this part of my job. All in the name of entrainment!
5) Not always having dinner ready is okay and I feel zero guilt chatting at the park with the neighborhood moms up until supper time. Dont get Me wrong, I actually like cooking when there is time to think about a menu, shop at a store without two people that eat everything before you leave and steal balloons, and then cooking without someone holding on to your ankle and another eating dishwasher soap. I really do. But under the above circumstances cooking becomes a painful experiment often ending in dry chicken dish, microwaved rice, and then a bowl of cheerios later to make up for the terrible experience at dinner. One day in my life as a wife I will embrace cooking dinner again but not now and I don't feel guilty.
6) Afternoon naps. I used to feel like I had to clean or read beautiful literature to not let my mind go to mush and do other noble things while the boys napped but thanks to my year of guilt free living since having two under two - I unabashedly and quite happily enjoy my own nap time with some trashy Bravo television show in the background and an occasional HGTV or FOOD network show - all things that ultimately will up my value as a wife and mom....... one day just not now.
7) A little exercise is built in. Yall know me - I am slightly anal about getting to work out everyday but along with my guilt free year I've had to take on a new attitude about exercise. Unfortunately, my figure knows it and I officially feel like a "mom" and not a young, nanny at the park who just couldn't have her own kids because she looks to dang good. Atleast at the end of the day I just dont feel like a lazy blob after doing almost everything for two humans. Seriously, if you add the caloric burn from picking up 100+ pieces of toys 4 times a day plus the burn from carrying 70+ lbs up and down the 14 stairs in our house added to the work of getting folks in and out of a car 6 times a day you just wouldn't feel bad either about a little tv in the middle of the day either.
8) Embarrassing the boys the way my mom used to do while dancing in the car or in a store. I didn't know you could embarrass a 2.5 year old but last night I did and it was so worth it. Brooks has a way with his big, expressive eyes anyway so doing anything to warrant an unusual expression is fabulous entertainment. I'll never forget my mom dancing and singing while dropping us off somewhere in HIGH SCHOOL and just feeling the burn in my cheeks. Secretly, my heart swarmed because I loved watching my mom have fun! She'd roller skate down our street when I was younger and I, too, secretly can't wait to roller skate down our street and give the boys a good laugh in front of their friends.
9) Speaking of roller skating or hoola hooping or galloping like a horse....who wouldn't love to do all the above in a 5 minute window just to get a rise out of your little ones. And then to get to watch them mimic anything you do....good times! Last night we put on our rain boots and went to find puddles to jump in and it was perfectly within the scope of my job as a mom.
10) ANd of course there is the obvious - witnessing the most heart-melting, tummy turning moments that only happen every so often and can never be repeated or relived. The boys recognizing eachother in a crowd and squealing with joy to run to each other, a little one laying his head on your shoulder in the middle of a conversation with a friend just to feel like he is close to me, watching two boys mimic the lion cubs at the zoo that were wrestling/playing, hearing the new words come out of a toddlers mouth like his latest "I need a baby dister (sister)" ...whoa....what?, and then getting to witness the beautiful thing that was just brought to my attention as I type - the 15 month old eating the tip off of a pink and green marker. Precious. I WOULD NOT MISS THESE MID MORNING AND MID DAY HAPPENINGS FOR ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY!

That's just us

2011-11-13T09:28:00.006-05:00

I was exceptionally whiny this week and I know it was irritating to those blessed people who get to live with me. It was one of my favorite weeks of the year - the week leading up to the Georgia vs Auburn football game. I know this seems extreme and maybe a little exaggerated but I'm telling no lies. I LOVE this rivalry. Or love-hate this rivalry but I love the energy that swarms around the game every year. I can remember travelling down 85 many times, once in my friends conversion van singing 90's rap songs with her older brothers. Another time I just remember never being so cold in my entire life but the Bulldawgs won so nothing mattered. Years ago when I was free as a bird and just freshly making commission checks we put on what I still think was the grandest tailgate before the game that ever existed. The next year Georgia banned this kind of tailgating from North Campus and I like to think it was because of our 4 foot tall speakers and gobs of people all smashed under two tents. Ahhhh the days! Not so high on the memory charts was mine and Brad's first football game after we came home from our honeymoon. Let's just say we ended up at a restaurant talking over this whole marriage and expectation thing. Nonetheless, it was a memory and it adds to the intense feeling I have over this fun week. When you live in Atlanta almost everyone either went to Georgia or ~~couldn't get in and~~ went to Auburn. The schools are oddly similar though both will claim that their respective towns are that much more charming, inviting, and picturesque than the other.
So this week I was just in a sour mood. I can say for the first time in my 2.5 years of being a full time mom that I wanted to be fired. The boys didn't love the whole time change thing and though they still slept just fine, they, too, were just in stinky moods every morning. This didn't help my already growing desire to be fired for atleast the weekend. There is this one thing as a mom that I think is what makes the whole gig as hard as it is and it is that there are no weekends, no vacations, and no Veterans days off. A Tuesday morning looks like a Saturday morning and while many of them are fun and entertaining and do not involve a tie and a morning meeting - they are all the same. I hope you don't hear me complaining....just stating the truths. And occasionally this reality makes me a little whiny. I just want one morning to feel like a "day off." I don't even want to sleep later - just wake up and eat my eggs the way I used to and watch the today show and drink my coffee slowly.
This week the modern conveniences of social media just made me even more sour. As gameday approached I watched everyone announce how they would be spending their tailgating hours in my favorite city and I think I considered at one point just checking them into Children's for a day for an unexplainable cold and coming back the next day to get them. I know, that's bad. I unabashedly begged my husband to find a way, any way, to get us to Athens for the weekend because my soul just needed it. I needed to sit in a folding chair under a magnolia tree with warm clothes on and eat chicken fingers and potato chips for hours on end with no thought of a diaper or a green nose. But come Saturday morning the crowds were travelling north on 85 and we were watching Cat in the Hat and cleaning up syrup.....just like any other Saturday morning. But this is why I like my marriage partner. At 945 I mentioned the not-so-blissful idea of packing up the kiddos and heading to Athens. Yes, we had no tickets in hand, our boys both had nasty green noses, I only logged a few hours of sleep the night before, it was freeeeeezing that morning and, conveniently, Brad had taken a few Tylenol- PM's at 8am that morning. But after some quick showers to ponder this idea and packing up anything that could be needed in a crisis with two toddlers amid a sea of drunken tailgaters - we were on the road.
I offered to drive since I was dealing with a walking zombie for atleast the next 6 hours while the "PM" effects wore off. !0 minutes into the trip and all of the males in the car were snoozing and I was as happy as I had expected I would be driving the back roads to my favorite place on earth. About 20 minutes out my patient woke up. I said, "Brad, we are either going to be singing from the rooftops that we loaded our toddlers up on a whim and headed to one of the biggest party scenes we could imagine on a cold fall day OR we would hate ourselves the whole way home and wonder as we do many times why we didn't just make our lives more easy and stay home?" And Brad said, perfectly, "That's just who we are, Betsy. We say we should make our lives easier and cut out all of the travel and babysitters and obscure commitments but that's not us." And that is what I love about us. While life with kids has certainly changed every aspect of our lives, even down to when I can eat my eggs and if we ever shower, it hasn't fully taken the wind out of our sail. I love just "rolling with it" and enjoying life with kids in tow.
Obviously that last sentence answered my question. The afternoon went perfectly and I was in heaven. I loved watching the game-goers and feeling young again. I loved being with my family and running into so many old friends and I loved watching the boys throw a football on North Campus and shout "Go Dawgs" to people passing by. Life now isn't about wishing it was the way it was years ago but embracing it with a a diaper bag in tow. I will say both Brad and I walked through the piles of grills and radios and bourbon bottles on north campus saying "I never ever thought I'd be pushing a double stroller through campus!" And that is why I love us!
The boys tacking eachother at the tailgate.

Ringing the game day bell with Nise and Big.

If mama is happy, everybody is happy!

The boys

2011-11-04T08:36:00.009-04:00

My intentions when I first started this blog were to be able to update our family out of town about our whereabouts and happenings. Enter two babies and all of a sudden you would think this would just be a collage of pictures or a "baby book" of sorts but instead my insides got all mushy and I tend to spend more than half of my time writing about bigger life issues....patience, sin, happiness, trials, you know...all of the stuff you probably don't come here to read. And since I acclaim to be no profound writer or have any bigger insights on this journey than the rest of you today I will stick to the "baby book" type thing. I've said it many times on here but the days are sometimes excruciatingly long and the years are bitterly short. Technically, we no longer have a baby in the house but two-toddling-toddlers. So, here is a mini update atleast for my memory years down the road. Speaking of memory - are any other moms out there seriously worried about when the supposed "mom brain" goes away. I thought it was just during pregnancy but I can't remember anything. I cant remember what we did last week and I can't remember dates Brad and I went on 4 years ago. Which always makes for a pleasant evening when the conversation goes, "Babe, do you remember when we went to Jacksonville on a plane together?" Me: "I've never flown to Jacksonville. Never." Oooppss.....mommy brain?? Please tell me it isn't just me?

Anyway, since the boys seem to be polar opposites of each other I'll do this how I probably never should and compare them. Bring on the sibling rivalry, right?
* William is a walking disaster and Brooks is scared of his own shadow. Hence the 4 bruises on William's face right now and the notion from Brad that we shouldn't leave the house in fear that DFACS will take me.

Sweet, sweet, sweet. And where was W? In the fireplace!
*Brooks could sit and figure out a Rubik cube for 2 hours without making a peep. William has the attention span of a small flea. Yesterday when the rain started I pulled out the paints and the leftover pumpkins. Before I had even put Brooks in his chair William had thrown his pumpkin and wiggled himself half way out of the chair.

William would NEVER Sit this still. Hence his baby mullet.
*William would not follow me or delight me so much as to try to mimic me if I gave him a whole tub of Breyers. Brooks will repeat words I said 4 weeks ago. This could be just a factor of age rather than personality but I think there is a little of the latter in there, too. Here we are "exercising" last night.

*Brooks has an obsession with shoes and clothes right now and has become quite picky when it comes to what he wears. William belongs in a nudist colony. I came into his room this week during what was supposed to be a nap and he had unsnapped his drawers and taken off his diaper and peed all over himself. Brooks is 14 months older and has never even noticed how to take off his diaper.
Excuse my poor editing job.
*Speaking of shoes Brooks is going to have the foot of his uncle Carter...a humble size 14. William on the other hand can't wear shoes because his feet are too thick. Not too wide or long but too thick!
*The oldest is a little fixated with television or anything with a picture. He loves to sit and look at slide shows of our 1000's of pictures on the computer and point out all of the people he knows. William hasn't glanced in the way of the tv not even once. Hopefully this means he will be brilliant???
*Brooks hoards and hides. William throws and destroys. Example - after a night of light trick or treating Brooks literally had to sleep with his candy and because it was cute we let him the first night and then have paid for it the last two nights. William launches anything given to him even if it is his most favorite thing as soon as he gets it in his hand. Luckily we really do think we have a future bulldawg on our hands!

But...they are sooo sweet to each other. I'll say it again - I think the most rewarding part of procreating is watching the little people under you interact with each other. They look for each other when they are apart, they give sloppy kisses to each other at night, Brooks always says thank you for his brother in his prayers at night without prompting, and it is truly the best and most rewarding part of being a mom! Oh, and get this, last weekend we had a babysitter who said Brooks was sitting on the sofa with William and he was rubbing his hair to one side like I do and then playing with his "piggies." That makes a mama proud. And yesterday when I came to pick them up from wee-school Brooks had wondered into William's class and was holding him on the floor (or wrestling...not sure) when I came in to get them. I'm so grateful for this early bond they have created. Trust me, they have their moments, too, atleast daily but the sweet times erase all the knocking over, stealing, and screaming. We looooove having two boys!!!

Things that just make me smile lately

2011-11-03T12:59:00.004-04:00

Some of these are kinda weird and I think probably just specific to this stage of life we are in currently. I'm sure in a few years some of these things won't quite blow my skirt up the same way but for now it really is some of the littlest things that bring me that real, gut-felt, authentic joy.
1) Obsessively vacuuming every single piece of food or leaf out of my mom-car. I bought this car not as a mom car but as a "I just got my first big commission check and I kinda like the chrome on this thing in a weird way" kinda car. Now 6 years later the car never new a day without a goldfish crammed in it's seat belt pockets or a credit card erroneously stuck in it's cd compartment. Sad.
2)Thursday's. Both boys are at school for the morning and I don't have another commitment. The 2.5 hours alone is seriously overwhelming. I love going to the bathroom by myself and turning on Katy Perry or Sara Baraeilles Pandora really really loud and cleaning the house. I hope this doesn't always excite me so much.
3) Hearing Brooks put sentences and thoughts together. Yesterday he asked where dad was and I said work to which he exclaimed, "EVERYBODY is at work! Nise is at work, Big is at work, Mary Lauren is at work, Carter is at work, Grandma is at work, Sutton (his friend) is at work, EVERYBODY is at work but you ma-ma." Very observant little one. One day I hope he sees the "work" in my day.
4) Living across the street from some of the coolest neighbors we'll probably ever have. As you know we are house searching and one thing I always ask for is neighbors like we have now or an empty house next door where they can move. They aren't just "can I borrow some eggs and a cup of milk" kinda neighbors. They truly love us, it is obvious, and we feel the same about them. You can't choose your family and you can't even choose your neighbors but in this case we got neighbors that are a little closer than family. I love having front yard parties everyday and drive way cocktail hours after the kids have gone down.
5) $1 half sweet/half unsweet with lemon iced-teas from Mickey D's. I don't think this will ever change.
6) Country music. Brad and I go in phases with this one but right now we are hooked. I think it always makes life seem a little less hectic.
7) William's open mouth kisses that he dishes out to whomever/whenever/wherever. Yummy.
8) One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. Read it.
9) Having nothing to do and nowhere to go for the next several weekends. Ahhhhh. I've become such a home body.
10) My husband's beard that he started before "No Shave November." Something about a little stubble....
11) Online boot shopping and putting every pair I even have a second thought about in my shopping bag knowing Ill probably never buy any but there is just something about online "shopping"
12) Eating lunches out. Sorry, husband. It's true. Being home all day among syrup and smashed macaroni and cheese and spilled apple juice just makes for a very serious urge to eat something un-kiddie like. I think I have picked up lunch 4 out of 5 weekdays for the past 6 weeks and that one day that I do eat at home just makes the urge even stronger. And I feel a little justified???
13) HGTV
14) A swept and blown off front porch and yard. I LOVE the fall colors in our yard right now but I LOVE them even more in a pile on the road. Hint hint hint....
15) Christmas decorations already at Target today
16) Speaking of Target. I think random Target trips must lead to a high number of divorce. Brad doesn't really ask anymore because I can always make everything seem like a "need" but I am the biggest Target $1 aisle sucker around and I can never spend less than $50 even if I only went for deodorant.
17) Modern Family. Like everyone else....who doesn't love Cam and Mitchell to pieces?
18) On Demand Exercises TV. As a pretty avid exerciser I never thought I would have a favorite tv workout but my friend turned me onto Pauline Nordine's Butt Bible and it is the real deal. She's pretty comical, too, so it makes it go by faster. And if your 2 year old catches you and tries to mimic you by doing pelvic thrusts on the floor it's even better entertainment.
19) Watching William, the transformer, toddle his way around the house or the park or the store. I LOVE the curiosity at this age and he has no reservations about anything so he'll try to figure out pine cones or a bumble bee no matter how bad it hurts.
20) The hidden Halloween candy that seems so hidden to everyone else but me.
21) Iphone pictures of the boys on Halloween. And, oh, Anna Kournikova.

22) Even better pictures (Thanks to Jenny) of our trip to Jacksonville for the bulldawg WIN! More to come (thanks to Amanda).....

Patience, ewwwww

2011-11-01T13:40:00.003-04:00

Why is waiting so hard? I know the obvious reasons but as a spiritual person, and someone who believes and has seen in the past that everything just sort of works our the way it should, and always better than I'd hoped, the answer should be even more obvious. Waiting creates deep desire that often comes from outside of ourselves because really if it were up to us we'd make everything happen right when we had the initial desire.

I've been sleeping pretty consistently lately and the answer to this year long problem has totally blown my socks off. There is more to come on that later but the point is that - had I started sleeping like normal a week after this insomnia began 16 months ago I wouldn't have nearly the depth and understanding that I do now. This test of patience was one I know will stay with me always. I am not sure how I got through this last year looking back on it and everyday I just beg and plead that I am protected from it again. But who knows??? If so much good came from this extensive trial than why would I resist that type of reward?

Though we haven't talked about it much on here we've also been enduring a grueling season of waiting in another major aspect of our life at home. It's just that - our home. We have been waiting for almost 6 months now for a home to move to with just a tad more space and a place that we can finally call ours. Luckily, because of our moves over the last few years, we have ended up in rental situations. This was such a blessing for us and an odd answer to a prayer for us early on in our marriage. Luckily now, because of this "fate" we haven't been stuck under a mortgage of a home that we can not sell in a city that we aren't even residing. But of course on this end we would do anything to finally, after 4 years of marriage, 3 houses, and 2 kids to feel "settled" if that really exists. I really can't remember a month in the last 4 years that we haven't been looking at houses on the market that we would potentially buy so it seems like the search is truly never ending. Then recently we put in two offers on two separate houses and both fell through even after being the first people to see the houses and offering above the list price. Our hearts were truly broken the 2nd time when we found out that our offer was out bid. So, now, 2 months later we are still here, waiting as patiently as we can for a door to open....in November of all terrible months to find a house! Ironically, the thing that has fueled my patience with our house search is the battle with insomnia. We did finally receive an answer and it was in a very unexpected form but I am so thankful that God did answer us...no matter how late the answer seemed. I am assured that the answer to our first house will come, too, when least expected but perfectly in God's time. A few Sunday's ago at our church the message was about when God is late. I know there are 2999 other people sitting in the auditorium when I am there but that day it was just me, Andy's words, and a special sense of Gods presence. The whole message reminded me of our past year with insomnia and now our year that continues with the ephemeral house search.

But then yesterday this whole patience thing surprised me in the best way. Brad and I didn't get to talk yesterday morning which I know is probably normal for many but usually we have touched base about the bruises the boys have endured from the morning and the broken object count for the day by lunch time. After a long weekend away in Jacksonville (for a very patiently awaited WIN for the Bulldawgs!) I just figured big-daddy-Warbucks was catching up on work from the days he was out. He came home for lunch (which is something I do love about our house now....he is so close) and I knew the moment he walked in he had news. I wasn't sure if it was good or bad but I knew there was news. Instead of spending the morning slammed as I had thought he had been in an office with several men, much senior than him, receiving accolades and a little promotion. Goodness, it always happens just like that....out of the blue....and after Brad has begged me to be patient with his career path. Isn't it hard as a wife? You want the most for your spouse and of course we see them as the best workers they could be so I had thought that this jump into management had been long overdo months ago but I was so thankful that this news happened not on my own clock. I prayed back in March that Brad would see progress in his job and that he would feel valued and respected. Many times I would hassle him to "talk to his boss" and he always reminded me it wasn't just that easy. You'd think I'd been out of corporate America for decades but it's really only been 3 years. It's just the whole "patience" thing at it's best.....working in me right where I need to be worked on. In this area Brad's patience certainly paid off and I know it was worth the wait.

I truly think patience is learned and not just something we are born with but I believe more that it is a virtue and the more we are able to grasp the true gift of patience - the more our patience will be rewarded. Or atleast the reward feels bigger.

Now the one thing that I have no patience with whatsoever is Halloween candy. 5 paragraphs later and I have eaten some Reese's pieces and a small pack of skittles! PLEASE COME TAKE THIS FROM ME RIGHT NOW! I can't wait for this I NEED SAVING NOW!

lazy Monday's

2011-10-24T10:03:00.003-04:00

Contrary to what I used to believe - the weekends are absolutely exhausting in this season of life! Most of the tiredness comes from fun, outdoor activities with the boys so it is all worth it but I think every Sunday evening I get a little mopey knowing that the week starts the next day and I am seemingly more tired than I was come a Friday afternoon. But the full weekends make way for a L-A-Z-Y Monday...like "I never knew one could be this lazy" kind of lazy. We've all been up for three hours and except for the person that goes to a big boy job everyday we are all still in pajamas and I couldn't even tell you where some clean socks are for the boys anyway....that kinda lazy. Everyone still smells like syrup and waffles, too....that kind of lazy. I have come to look forward to this slow start to the week and I couldn't remember what it feels like to actually accomplish something on a Monday - but I welcome that. While we may not be dressed and we may not step out of the house until 4pm we have been "productive" in side these 4 walls.......crawling through tunnels, baking pumpkin seeds, building forts, and "learning" from PBS all morning. I'll take this Monday any day!

Here are some of our weekend pics. Nothing exceptionally "tiring" but as Brad and I summed up last night - to get someone out of bed, make breakfast, change a diaper, clean up breakfast, get another little one up, change some clothes, change another diaper, clean up another breakfast, change anther's clothes, wipe a nose, change a diaper, feed some snacks, lug 60 lbs up the stairs for naps, walk up and down the stairs 6 times to deliver blankets, cups and what not for proper napping, get 60lbs out of bed and down stairs, change a diaper, give a snack, change another diaper, clean a snack, get a snack, fill a cup, change a diaper, feed two messy boys dinner, change clothes, attempt a bath, lug 60lbs out of the bath, change a diaper, change another diaper, do the pajama thing, fill up sippy cups, read 8 books, lug the pounds up the stairs, come back three times to threaten to sleep, oops change another diaper, and put to bed again.......All on top of anything you might need to do for yourself just makes one tired thinking about it. Bring on a nap today!

Heaven on earth

2011-10-19T14:50:00.004-04:00

Anyone, Tiger fan or orange and blue wearing maniac alike, who gets a real taste of The Promise Land, aka Athens, comes away a believer....maybe not in the football but surely in the charismatic little city 60 miles east. I got the privilege of growing up sitting on Vince Dooley's knee and learning about the Mayflower and the Varsity from even a wee age so really it was no question at all where I would spend those 4 wondrous years of higher education. I used to laugh when my dad and mom would walk down Broad street and talk about the bar they used to go to after football games or the diner they went to for breakfast on a Sunday. They really dated themselves! Of course, for me, now more than 10 years have past since I first called Athens home and, I, too, find myself reminiscing about Joes (freshman) bar and, yes, the downtown Roly Poly that has now been taken over.

Last weekend we were invited to a dear couple friend's home just outside of Athens. This would be the gathering that several college friends (many of whom I hung out with in college but admittedly it wasn't until I married "in" that I really got a taste of this neat bunch of friends.) Brad and I ate at our favorite, Five Star Day, on the way into town and then met the others to let the 11 little kids run around on North Campus. I can say I never imagined when I was there as an undergrad that I'd one day have two little boys climbing the magnolia trees and running through the beautiful grounds of North Campus - but it was so relaxing to watch them explore a place that is so dear to us. After wearing the little ones out we went back to our newly-turned Athens resident friends' house for a lazy afternoon of football and swinging on a porch swing in the perfect fall weather. The pictures below are obviously (finally) not from my iphone camera!..... And they speak for themselves. Last weekend in our favorite town was truly the most refreshing, relaxing, and rejuvenating weekend we have had in a long time! We are thankful for a group of friends all aiming to raise their families in a similar way and all in love with this perfect little city. See y'all next year!

A little cheese for the 4th

2011-10-13T09:20:00.006-04:00

My most favorite day of my 3 decades was this day 4 years ago. The setting, the weather, the people, the atmosphere....everything was more than I could have ever hoped. I remember standing outside the lighted tent nearly half way through the party just saying to Brad - "we have to take this all in. It's so perfect." And then hours before as we walked through the ceremony of marriage with with of our dearest friends and pastors, Gary Purdy, Brad had said the same thing to me - "Take this all in. It's so perfect." You can even hear on the wedding video a few tears from both of us as the music was playing during communion and then Brad saying, "God is here, Betsy." Ahhhh...I LOVE rewatching the video of our ceremony. I don't have video of the gigantic party but I don't care - no video could have captured it anyway but I do have video of the most beautiful wedding ceremony every done. I know, I am biased. God's presence was there that day and while there have been many trials these last four years, some that seem too big to ever hurdle - we both have known no matter what that God was there and He had us together in order to do our lives together. That, to me, is the most solid promise I know and it withstands any grand trip or fabulous house or beautiful wedding dress. That is the kind of beauty that I want in my life - a promise that no matter what takes us up or down God had us going up and down together.

This last picture just makes me happy. I can remember thinking during these fun pictures "I've never had so much fun in all my life! Pinch me!" {Pictures courtesy of Kerie Cleveland Photography}
Anyway, there is a popular country song out right now and I may or may not play it on repeat a few times a day. Originally one of my favorite artists, Dave Barnes, recorded the song. This is exactly how I feel on this 4th anniversary. You're my most favorite thing, Brad! {And I loved finding surprises in my car this morning and throughout the house. :) }

A little substance

2011-10-11T14:11:00.004-04:00

I've been sort of whiny the last week and it is so annoying. You know when you catch yourself just throwing fits over things not going your way or life not being as easy as you had thought...or worse, not as easy as your neighbor's life or your coworkers life...yuck! I feel like a toddler just waiting for someone to listen to my cries and do something to shut me up. The timing is off too. A few weeks ago I "for real" dumped out all of the "this should make you sleep" medicine and just decided to face the music. The music was not pretty for several days as no doctor would ever recommend just stopping a medicine cold turkey but more so I had no idea that I would ever actually sleep. But how was I to know if the insomnia was any better without taking away the thing that had given me some sleep (and a host of many other unwanted things.) Well, just like a baby, after the 3rd sleepless night I fell beautifully asleep for the first time in the likes of a year! If you've been tracking with me you are probably wondering - did you turn flips in bed the next morning? Did you tell everyone you met the next day that YOU SLEPT! I mean, this sleep thing had taken over my life this year...you'd think a step in the right direction would have me throwing parties and writing books! And while I am ecstatic over my new skill - I, like a toddler, took the toy that was given me and then looked and saw a newer toy and wanted that one too. Brad is good for me in this case because he reminds me that this is a lesson in baby steps. You don't sleep one night after a year of a mess and then head off to the mountains with 8 other adults and try to sleep in a scratchy bed with two kids in your room and get a "normal" night of sleep....which is just what I did and thus, came home all whiny over the things that aren't "right" and upset that unlike everyone else I didn't really get a vacation because when let's be honest - a mom is rarely "off" no matter how far away you go. Whine, whine, whine....yuck yuck yuck!

Luckily, every Tuesday I get to be a part of the best thing in Atlanta. Seriously, this isn't a commercial for another "self help" book or online program but an honest account from a real live mom. No matter the sour attitude that I take with me when I walk in the door to my Mom-to-Mom bible study every Tuesday at Church of the Apostles I always come out feeling a little less alone, alot more supported, and surprisingly energized like no exercise or cup of coffee or even day off could give me. Today we were talking about the gift of inspiring your children. The author in our book writes about letting creation "wow us" and thus cause us to beg of our children to "come and look" out the window at what God has displayed. Well, here I was this weekend in the middle of the Georgia mountains, with the changing leaves among us, and the most perfect weather and I just couldn't get outside of my own needs enough to see what was around me. I wish I would have let the setting over the weekend minister to me because I so needed it. Oddly enough, Brooks was obsessed with the "mou'nains" as he called them and he didn't ever want to come inside the cabin. Which is just how he is at home - taking joy in picking the bark off the trees in the front yard and pointing out each different color of leaf in our driveway.

Oh to have the faith and perspective of a child. Yes, they are needy and demanding but they can easily be moved and excited by the passing of a butterfly even in the midst of a temper tantrum. I on the other hand can't even see past my own sin and selfishness so often and therefore I miss so much of the beautiful stuff - the stuff that can actually snap you outside of yourself and allow you to see the great big world out there and the miraculous things that are still being done everyday by a God that sees everything....even my little tiny cries for attention. On the way home from our trip I was analyzing the whole weekend because isn't that what most of us do once we leave a large family gathering? Anyway, Brad said, "Look behind you. Look out the window." I kept talking and over analyzing my disappointment of course. "No, really, stop talking and look outside. Yes, life is heavy and hectic right now and yes we just walked through the hardest year of our lives but look at the sun behind the clouds and the mountains...That's what it's really all about." I finally stopped and looked behind me and atleast for a little while I was quieted. I was thankful for the scenery for sure, but more thankful for someone to pull me out of the muck and when I just want to sit and play in it for days.

So my mom's group today was so fitting. After talking today in our group someone said something that I hope I believe. "It seems that the mom's that "get it" and apparently embrace their time as a stay at home mom are the ones that have surrendered to themselves and understand that the daily, mundane sacrifices of being a mother are what makes greatness. If I could just know that changing a diaper and wiping a nose is just a small part of a great work that I am doing and see it as that then certainly I will not be as concerned about me and my little whiny needs....and hence more able to actually see the bigger, prettier things around me." {Maybe a little paraphrased.} There really is joy to be found in the minutia of being a mom and it isn't just the moment that all the babies are sound asleep. We may not be thanked or praised or appreciated for years to come but enough have gone before me to tell me that there is no greater joy than "laying down one's life for a friend {a child in my case}" and truly experiencing real sacrifice.

The first fall Saturday

2011-10-05T09:30:00.003-04:00

And because for some insane reason William is asleep and B is occupied I am going to post our pictures to our first pumpkin patch. We didn't do any cool matching outfits, nor did we even pack a diaper because it was a last minute decision to head North to find something fallish to do on this last perfectly cool fall Saturday. The boys were drooling over all of the boy things to do - tractors to ride, pumpkins to smash, animals to chase, and fried pies to devour. Because we drove the 30 miles to get to Berry Patch Farms we did buy a few baby pumpkins and one medium sized one for the porch but it is hard to overpay for a pumpkin when the grocery has them for like $6 right now. Luckily the boys didn't get that the reason you go to the pumpkin patch is to pick out a pumpkin....they thought it was to sit on every pumpkin and possibly smash it to pieces. Boys....

Toddler friends

2011-10-05T08:29:00.009-04:00

First steps and first words are certainly thrilling in the development of little people. You grab your camera and try to jot down the date and just how many words or steps were made. But honestly, those milestones end up getting a little trumped by the next thing...running through the yard and spontaneously asking a question of me like the little guy had been talking all his life. For me it's the relational developments that really have me addicted to these toddler years. I know it's biased but I think multiple children are their own unique blessing - to watch a little one interact with his own brother, whether in a concerned manner or acting out of his own selfishness - it really beats any first step or first word. The boys are at the most amazing age. William is probably a little too young normally to care about another person about his size but because he has a brother he is much more attentive to people his own age. I remember watching Brooks at the same age and wondering if he would ever notice another child? It makes "playdates" really seem like just "adult dates" while the little people play next to eachother but not with eachother. Of course now Brooks is at the age to actually enjoy not only his brother but other people his size. Yes, a child on his/her own is a wonder in itself but a child discovering his relationship with other people and how to interact in the world around him is truly the coolest thing to witness. Recently Brooks has had lots of play time with his "friends." Here is a picture of B and his friend, "big William", at the zoo. They were a little more fascinated with eachother this day than the flamingos and lions.

He spent a whole day this week with his friend since birth and here are a few pictures of them playing and getting ready for bed. I love their expressions.

But of course it is the brotherly love or frustration that is the sweetest for sure....but I'm not sure if B quite knows how to "love" William without smothering him....but I do think William will show B some of his own "love" very soon and in this case the smaller man may win!

Boys will be boys

2011-09-25T08:57:00.008-04:00

They like trucks.

They're cute.

They climb.

They wrestle.

They flirt with pretty girls.

They jump off ledges.

But they love their mama's most.

September 20th! What?

2011-09-20T14:35:00.004-04:00

Did anyone notice the mysterious blog that vanished last week? There may be a prize if you did. It was one of those days where I wrote my heart out and then several hours later felt waaaay too exposed so I retraced the mountain of words and emotions. You'd think I was a little flaky if you didn't know me. Or maybe you do think I am pretty flaky, and I might agree. :)
Bottom line - God gave me some sleep for about 2 straight weeks and the floodgates opened....all of a sudden I could see so many things that were so blurry before. I know I am in one of those places in life where you notice that your very core is starting to change...like maybe you won't always be the person you've always been and maybe some change or sanctification is a really good thing. That was the gist of the mysterious post now lost in blog land. At the end of that post I promised a video of tweedle-dee and tweedle-dum. I don't have a video yet but two edible pictures of the boys this morning. Though they are both smiling in their respective pictures in the cushiony chair - don't think there wasn't some hair yanking and tears to just get in the chair. By the way, have I ever mentioned....I HAVE GOT TO GET A REAL CAMERA!!!

P.S. - How are we 10 days out from my favorite month? Where did the summer go? I don't know what to do with this time whirling by so quickly. My babies will be kissing girls soon!

Wee "school"

2011-09-12T08:53:00.004-04:00

I. LOVE. FALL.
For many reasons I love this season. I was married in the fall on the perfect fall day. I love new beginnings. The colors make me giddy. Layering clothing is my favorite. But most of all.....we can get outside again after a HOT summer AND the boys have wee school for a few hours a week. We're not talking Ivy leagues here....just a few hours of free babysitting but they LOVE it and I enjoy every minute of me time in the car and out and about. If I see another 90 degree temp in the September forecast I may fall apart because we are in "fall" mindset over here and my joy will not be thwarted!

You have to write about it or you'll cry your eyes out

2011-09-07T15:27:00.003-04:00

The event that you are about to read really happened and it happened just moments ago. While there are far more serious things that have probably happened in your day - this just made me want to ball up on the floor and cry my eyes out. But you'll be happy to know - I called a BFF and laughed about it instead and maybe said a four letter word or two.
It started yesterday when I made the biweekly trip to the local Costco to fetch a rotisserie chicken. Have you ever lived in a super kid friendly neighborhood where every stay at home mom and DINK (dual income no kids) wife hits the local Costco at the same time to snatch one of the limited rotisserie chickens? I didn't know there was a race for such a commodity until I few weeks ago when I found this magical $4.99 chicken to be the thing that solved most of my on the fly dinner needs. That very day I almost got in a hair pulling fight with what had to be a soccer mom of 3 over the last rotisserie chicken in the case. I'll carry on - yesterday I got the first little guy off the rotisserie and managed to leave the gigantic grocery store with only one other item. That calls for a congratulations right there! So, I was set to then go to the local Publix: aka The neighborhood afternoon playgroup but alas, the two boys weren't going to have anymore shopping so I went home defeated. I had set out in my mind to make my rendition of Souper Jenny's chicken tortilla soup. Haven't you, too, been craving some spicy and thick soup these last few days with the autumn-like weather? I came home with just my chicken and some blueberries and two very fussy babies. I threw together the worst dinner I've ever made for the king of our house and the little guy's and then I went out to meet a friend for dinner. But you better believe I went to bed knowing that today I would make it to the grocery store to get the other items needed for my soup and tonight's dinner would be a delightful soup and cornbread on the porch surrounded by the cool temperatures.

I should have known when my submarine sized grocery cart wouldn't fit into the ladies room at the local Wal-Mart that the trip was going to be off the Richter scales. But - I remained positive, stuffed the mouths with cookies and preceded on my quest for my beloved chicken soup. Then I'll leave out the middle of the day because it was just not fun. Everything sort of went wrong but I knew at the end of the day I could comfort myself with my comfort food of choice. So while the boys "un-napped" in their cribs I chopped and sliced and stewed away. Nearly two hours later I was ready for the chicken that I had spent 45 minutes picking apart and chopping to the perfect soup-sized pieces. The forces did not align for this to happen. Usually I could blame the next thing on the dog. Poor Amos gets all the blame usually but not this time. This time it was me. I don't know where my head has gone this year (or maybe I do but I still can't believe that sleep and medicine and babies could really zap my brain the way it has) but my brain is gone! I literally walked over to the poopy diapered trash and dumped the entire freshly chopped chicken in the trash. Then I came back the soup and looked at it and realized what I had just done with the chicken that was supposed to be swimming with the carrots and peppers.

Yes, this won't stop the world from carrying on and there is no real human loss just a whole bunch of pride and more so, "cool". It's like I walked over to the trash and through any patience I had in the poopy trash because after my little mistake I literally wanted to end my day in a ball in tears. You know the end of the story though. I took a deep breath and paced the kitchen for minutes retracing my 10 stupid steps to the poopy trash and then I just fell out laughing. There's an old Indigo girls song I remember and she said "You have to laugh at yourself or you'll cry your eyes out if not." So true, so true, my friends. Off to Costco for the 3rd time in 3 days.....I will not be defeated. Not today.

The long weekend

2011-09-06T13:31:00.004-04:00

Since I've labored recently I felt quite deserving to soak up this Labor Day weekend. As usual, our family of 4 (and 2 runny noses) was on the go this weekend. The 3rd time we were packing up the car with the bottom half of the house for yet another 4+ hour getaway we both looked at each other and just laughed. We always are able to convince ourselves that the time as a family out of the house is worth the "pack up" but I am sure when we are finally settled into our own home we will look at our more mobile days as pure -nutso! But for now, we love seeing friends and other little ones, but more so doing things as a family!

This weekend consisted of (in no grand order) football, hamburgers, an elephant, an afternoon with grandma, more hamburgers, cotton candy for the first time, Dierks Bentley on repeat, a sweet grandma's birthday, maybe a milkshake, several late night movies after the boys were down, little cleaning, naps during thunderstorms, a little 1 year old walking, some finger paint, lots of "spills", and a whole bunch of wetwipes - wiping noses and other things that need wiped! It sort of goes without fail that if it's a long weekend - one or both of the boys won't feel well. Then what follows is a guessing game all weekend as to whether we should tough it out or chase down any doctor on call at the ER. We opted for the 1st this time and I am hoping by tomorrow that we are glad we did. Despite the little colds in the little people we had an enjoyable weekend together....one of the first in a really long time! Here are a few iphone pictures to follow. {I vow to have a camera by 2012!}

Sanctify

2011-08-31T11:04:00.004-04:00

I didn't know much about mothering before entering this stage but I surely didn't know that sanctification came with the package. Sure, you get alot of repenting and forgiveness in marriage and the bi-product is always so sweet but I just didn't think "babysitting" little minds and hearts especially in these young years could dig so deep at my character. This week for some reason every "icky" part of me that may hide in my subconscious...you know the envy, or selfishness, or ungratefulness that just sits and grows moldy in the deepest part of you while you think you are just doing everyday life - well, it has surfaced. I can't say that I haven't asked for it though. I have pleaded nightly as I lay awake just praying for every little thing that comes to mind (and hoping it will result in some boring prayers that put me to sleep!) that God would show me all of Him through this process of sleeplessness. It's true - I will not come out of this year without having had my character and heart totally realigned. There have been too many things in my adult life that I have just gotten away with but that have sat festering...causing my heart a little more havoc each day/year that I let them go by. I know I am being hard but I really believe that behaviors and thoughts that aren't pure can cause serious damage on the inside. There are people in my life that I claim to have forgiven but really I haven't fully covered those people in a forgiving and forgetful grace....the kind that doesn't even see the past or expect the worst in the future. Or for instance the many times that my pride has caused me to shut my mouth in my marriage when my heart wanted praise and encouragement to flow. Pride is a sneaky thing and causes us to do the very thing we know we don't want to do. Yuck yuck yuck.

Anyway, somehow this week my two little boys have helped me see some of these things that lie so deep that many others would never see. I am reading yet another book called "Loving the little Years." As a mom, this book will make you feel like a saint and like you aren't crazy! The author has 5 kids under 5 and she says she didn't write the book because it is easy being a mom but because it isn't. This hit me:
"I remember a time when I used to be much godlier. It was sometime in junior high and my room was clean. It must have been beautiful weather outside because the lighting was very nice in my room where I was reading my Bible every day and feeling really good. It was quite clear to me that my sanctification was progressing very well. As the feeling wore off, I remember looking back to that time as a high point. That was really living the Christian life." (From Chapter 2: In the Rock Tumbler) {I hope you sense her sarcasm.}
The boys have helped me see this week that really living the life that I've always thought I was living means something so much harder than I ever knew. It means giving up myself to my children - not out of obligation but out of desire. I have selflessly given to them for 2+ years now but I admit, many times it's out of a motherly "duty" not necessarily a selfless desire to mold and guide their hearts and their development. It was Monday when the oldest little boy again said to me "mommy, you sad?" This time I wasn't at all sad - just being a mom on a normal afternoon - lazily laying on the floor as they played with eachother and about 7 trucks. I know this is a very very small example but it hurt my heart to think that the boys often see my lack luster outlook because they are the ones that are with me most....on the floor - all the while wondering if I'll every really selflessly embrace this time with their impressionable hearts. Would you be honest enough to admit that "the little years" aren't the most gratifying? But a friend texted me this last night and it made sense - I had said that I don't feel like I am mothering (and aging) very gracefully to which she said, "yes, but hopefully the end product will be graceful." And that is the point. Whether you are spending your mornings in an office or a hospital or a school or on the floor with little people - the investment isn't always the most graceful thing but hopefully the heart you are putting into your day will result in a beautifully graceful outcome.

Yes, oddly, I am grateful that the boys have a way with getting at the little things lodged deep in my heart. I never thought a toddler and a baby could make me think so much about the person I am.....the things that come out of my mouth....and the "me" that is behind the mom. I am more grateful today though that I know a real Grace that covers all of my inadequacies and even my selfishness. It covers it all and that is why in the end the product even has a shot at being graceful, valuable, and beautiful.

To grandmother's house we go

2011-08-29T14:45:00.004-04:00

Last Friday a miracle fell on our lap and it goes by the name of GRANDMA and BIGDADDY! The boys and I met my in-laws in South Georgia to make the (unfair) swap. Two babbling, mischevious little boys for a weekend with no car seats and sippy cups. I'm not kidding yall...we even drove Brad's car everywhere this past weekend so there was no thought about our sweet little children because even though I don't have a "swagger-wagon" yet my car screams "I'm an old woman and I live in a shoe and have too many kids that I don't know what to do!"

I'd like to report that we slept in late and laid around drinking coffee and listening to good no-kiddo music but we were bad and we didn't do anything we should have done! Instead we cleaned every corner of the house and tried to get ours lives in order after what has been a pretty crazy year. The purging felt so good. The floors felt so good, too, clean and crumb free for atleast two days. For the first time in a long while we both loved our house. It felt like a 6 BR mansion without wet wipes and stuffed animals lying around. Sure enough, as soon as the kids and all of their 27 cars and 4 blankets and endless cups and spoons came back in the door - the house felt like old times...a little cramped (but certainly a tad cleaner!)

Perhaps the most relaxing part of our staycation without kids was riding in the car all-by-myself. I admit, I used to waste alot of time before kids....running in and out of stores with a "necessity" mind set when really I was just curious to check out the latest inventory. More so, I was wasteful with my energy. I think I used to exercise about twice a day - once in the am and then always a walk with Brad at night. Looking back, that seems a little silly to have spent so much time on myself. But this weekend I went right back to my old ways - knowing it was only a weekend that I would have to walk, do some yoga, take a long shower, and exercise until I couldn't move anymore. And then afterwards I just drove and drove and soaked up the eery quiet in the car.

The boys came home yesterday afternoon and trust me - they did not miss us for one second. They were coddled, entertained, and well fed and we are so grateful that they have someone to spoil them! I know that my sweet in-laws enjoyed the boys being with them just as much as we enjoyed the time away and that is what makes it all worth it - it's mutually beneficial! Here are some pictures my sister in law took from the boys first field trip (without mom and dad.) Do we think this could happen every month? (Hint Hint)

How normal feels

2011-08-23T17:52:00.006-04:00

For the past few weeks I have been up before the rest of the house and I am addicted to this routine! I am addicted to the quiet. I am addicted to the morning sun peeping through the tall trees in our backyard as I sit on the back porch with a little coffee. I won't lie - I am addicted to the sleep and consequently, the normalcy that follows the rest of the day. Usually William is already stirring but he must know I am long overdo for some "me" time so he usually babbles pretty softly until I come in to wake him up with a big, "gooood morning, William!" You have to hear Brooks mimic this phrase because it is pretty addictive, too.
Yes, those first few hours of any day (after my few minutes of serenity) where little people are involved are pretty crazy...syrup smeared in the oddest of places, clothes thrown on - usually still dirty or on backwards, and, certainly a few tears and a tantrum in the mix. But I don't mind the tornado start to the day if............I...have...actually...slept!!!!! And for the past few weeks I have actually slept almost like a normal person. I may still call the couch my home just because I hate to keep anyone else awake that may not be so good at being awake but with the exception of about one night a week I have slept like I used to...like normal! Granted, I am sleeping with a small swallow of a pill that has become my "frenemy" but for the time being I am okay with that. I know, I know - you've read of several times on here that I threw out anything chemical - including any multi vitamin or carbonated beverage and I am not ashamed in any way that I have again had to rely on a medicine for what should come un-chemically. It's actually a pretty neat place to be for me. Out of control and truly at a place of gratitude for something to allow me to enjoy my kids during the day, cook dinner for my family at night, and relax once this children are down....things that have come with a fight the last 8 months. So for now, I thank God each night that He created something to help me in this (hopefully) short season of life. For 8 months even medicine wouldn't touch my insomnia and so I am thrilled to have a short period of normalcy with the help of a little pill....and some yoga! There are some pretty annoying day time side effects that come with this freedom but nothing a little exercise and my daily half sweet, half unsweet tea from Micky D's can't cure.
With my newfound normalcy, I have welcomed all the little nuisances that used to distract me and I have craved the monotonous minutia of a day in the life of a stay at home mom with two little boys. Ahhhhh.....I could certainly get used to this!

I am not sure where this path will lead but my hands are open to whatever it may be. I am so full today from the gift of sleep....and with that - a seemingly boring but enjoyable day! The boys are keeping me on my toes these days.....take a look.....

This will be like the game Memory. Here are the captions, now you find the picture! Hey, look at me, I'm at the spa! Colored fun at the Music class for William's birthday. Cheeks! Hi, brother, I WILL be nice to you! When you're around a girl all day - you think high heels are cool! Fun at the doctor's office. A birthday full of all of my favorite meals. That's why we buy blueberries at Costco. I don't care what the chair says, I am sitting here!

.

On turning one

2011-08-15T19:53:00.007-04:00

I really can't go there. Not today. Today I have enjoyed snuggling with a the baby. Today I have enjoyed calling my baby, "my baby." Today we have sipped every drop out of the bottle just so I could hold him a little longer. It's not that tomorrow the baby will be any different than he was today but as I just saw happen - a one year old grows out of the "baby" and into the "toddling" within a flash. And today I want to let the baby linger a little longer. So here are some pictures from the year. Unfortunately, I never once got my act together to do the cute posed monthly photos I did with Brooks and I don't even have a decent camera right now to take a decent photo....but when your subject looks like this - it doesn't matter!

Up for air

2011-08-11T14:24:00.003-04:00

We are 5 days away from what has become a huge milestone in our house. It's not the kind of huge you would expect. Many of my dearest friends self-admittedly go a little over the top for a one year old birthday party. I did the same with our first born and though I want to be able to snuggle up on our over sized leather sofa in 10 years and look through beaten photo albums of the boys' young years and not have to explain why our 2nd shot at a first birthday was largely toned down compared to the 1st - I also realized this time around what is most important....and that is a peaceful home, void of any unnecessary stress.

That makes it sound like some cupcakes, balloons, and a handful of barely walking babies is stressful. It isn't but in this stage of life - anything out of our routine seems to take yet another hour of sleep from my already low bank of zzzz's. Therefore, I feel like I finally learned the art of boredom this summer and I have a feeling when our sleep/wake patterns return around here and thus ushering in the list of possible activities and to-do's with two babies - my new art will slowly go away. And I don't think I want that to happen.

I've practically written a book this summer of journal entries. I have always been a pretty consistent writer. I don't write the way I want to just yet but deep down I say that when I actually have more time I'll think more about the way the words come out - rather than just letting them storm the screen with their own personality. I've also read just about as much as I've written - half of which twice because it seems under little sleep you have to read things atleast twice to even remember if you were reading the Wall Street Journal or the newest-mindless Emily Giffin novel. Often, instead of a trip to a friends house for afternoon play I've found myself so engrossed in a book that I literally forget that the 2 year old can't really supervise the 1 year old. Oops. So, in a way this prolonged season has allowed me some time that I would normally have filled with more photo-worthy type things but I am so glad I've had a year now to catch up on things I desperately love.

More so, this year has allowed me ample time to think and pray. Almost too much time. I often think my learned ability to function on a naps-worth of sleep a night has been detrimental in more than just the obvious ways. That little "let-down" time allows my mind just enough time to recharge thus giving me more energy to think and attempt to pray my way out. Some one recently told me that had I spent more nights without even shutting my eyes once then maybe I wouldn't have the energy to think, ponder, research, and seemingly reason my way into the next season.

But this week has again given me something new. A breath of fresh air. I know not to presume that a few good nights signifies the end but I also know that I have to find enough hope in those few good nights to see me through to the next one. For the first time in 8 months I have done the most normal thing known to man - fallen asleep. It sounds so good to write that - "fallen" as opposed to "coerced through medication" or "fought my way"......I have FALLEN asleep - and in a relatively short amount of time. And while that news is the most refreshing thing I have experienced in my 30 years - the next line is even more refreshing. I sort of don't care. Not, like "I don't care" with a little cynicism attached but like - it's not the most important thing to me - kind of not caring. In the middle of one of htese recent nights I wrote in my journal

"If I come out of this battle and don't have all of Jesus then the whole thing has been in vain. God, do not relent until I have it all.

That is what became clear and most important to me this week. If this year doesn't change me at a character level then I'll take another year. Seriously. If the first words off of my lips in the presence of my children and my husband are anything less than true, good, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy - then the job is not done. I finally came to a place this week where I know that I want Jesus more than I want to sleep. Luckily, the few nights of somewhat normal sleep this week have allowed me to see that. It feels so good to come up for air but it feels even better to see land in the distance when I come up from the water.

The biggest milestone that we will celebrate next week with our newly turned one year old will not necessarily be his birth but the new life that was stirred in our home as a result of his birth. I am so grateful that this year has started to change me for the good.

Our favorite time of the day

2011-08-09T07:42:00.004-04:00

9 times out of 10 Brad puts Brooks to bed while I put the little man down but in the last few weeks I've had a few more nights as a solo parent. The best part is getting to put the toddler to bed. He puts his cup down and then comes by the bed to say his prayers. Each night he adds in something different, like last night literally going through every name he has ever known and saying thank you. Admittedly, I was a little pushy in this video with him being thankful for Jesus but here is a little taste of the night time routine with our toddler. There is nothing on this earth that is more heart-filling than hearing him talk, but more importantly pray.

The video is in the dark so you can't see anything but you can hear him....and his pushy mother.

When my words won't come out that pretty

2011-08-04T12:57:00.003-04:00

I'll post with pictures. I know my insomnia is only temporary but these memories are forever. Thank you, sweet boys, for making me smile every day. Every hour. I'm so grateful that your innocence (and age) allows you to only see the joy that I have with you both rather than the tension from the long nights. These smiles are better than any therapy for any illness on the market...

Thoughts on motherhood - the early years

2011-07-28T20:46:00.005-04:00

I've written this post in my head four times today and each time it was diifferent all depending on the amount of food on the floor at that time. The 3rd blog in my head came immediatly after I had a "screamout" as a dear friend just called it over the phone. You know....when you join the high pitched octaves roaring through the house and then you apologize for the rest of the night for acting like the very two year old you were "nerved" with? Please tell me you know. I can say I've only done this twice {yet} so please don't think anything too negative about me. The good news is it really does help you to feel a little better in those 10 seconds when everything stops except my own (dulled down) whine. Luckily, the three of us (because the big boy is at the Braves game) ended the night on high notes and full tummys. Who doesn't use ice cream as bribery and a source of forgiveness after dissappointing behavior in front of your kids?

Anyway, the gist of the blog went like this.....My life right now is slightly lonely. I fear saying that because I have a few very dear friends - like sister type friends - that could probably argue their loneliness isn't even comparable as they wait for Mr. Right to snatch them up but it is true.... It's just a differnt type of lonely that I've ever known. Brad always reminds me that I have on average 2-3 instances a day that I am surrounded by other moms with little kids but as I experienced today as two of my favorite friends came over to "catch up" and play......there is no real conversation when there are 6 people under 3 feet tall roaming around and certainly little time to feel known.

Trust me, I'm not whining - but making note of the state of the house right now. As a mom of young ones you spend 95% of the day talking but not necessarily being heard. Unfortunately when my husband finally gets home I am so done with talking that I'd rather sit in silence and give my mouth a break. Now, I know so many of yall read these little weekly anecdotes and updates on this blog and I know most of yall never comment and I'm okay with that - but today I might need a little "AMEN!" Yes, the daily life of a stay at home mom is entertaining and I do not think there is a more touching thing in the world than listening to your 2 year old tell you "where Jesus lives" or watching a blue eyed 1 year old heart throb smile at you as you walk in to get him from a nap. But that doesn't mean that this lifestyle is all loliipops and bubbles. This. Is. Hard. Stuff.

But I know these are the years that will shape the woman I am becoming. True, I didn't know humans were able to be this selfless. And I'm not tooting my own horn either. Any mother, especially one who has stepped aside from a career in order to wipe the mouths and bottoms of babies - knows that there is just no option....you have to be selfless even if it isn't done {always} with the best of intentions. I also didn't know people could be this exhasuted and still do normal things - like pay bills or fold laundry. No wonder my running shorts ended up in the freezer yesterday! But I also didn't know I could feel this proud either. So, yes, the days are hard and they are a little lonely right now but I know this is just a season and I know soon I will be begging for some "lonely" time in a few years when the talking really doesn't stop. I am sure a "screamout" won't work in those days as I'll have a little more explaining to do.......

Sincerely,
Slightly lonely in the ATL (but knowing it's only temporary.....)
****
To pass our afternoon time today we went to throw pennies in the fountain at Perimeter Mall. For real.
I'm getting pretty desperate aren't I? Monday we went to story time at Barnes and Noble, yesterday we went to the library and then to the Hippo Hopp which is basically a warehouse where kids can somehwat safely run around. Monday we did another trip to Ikea to pass the minutes. It's funny because I saw many of the same women at each of these places this week....mom's like m just trying to stay out of the heat and stay alive! Needless to say, I can' t promise that one of us didn't end up in the fountain today. And it wasn't on accident......ha! I do love these little boys and their non-stop-adventures.

But look who I caught trying to hold hands on the way home after nearly throwing each other in the mall fountain moments before? Precious.

A few firsts from the weekend

2011-07-25T13:19:00.004-04:00

We are coming off of one of my favorite weekends to date - the wedding weekend of my little brother. I learned that if I want to learn how to go back to sleep I just need to stay out like I'm 22 two nights in a row and maybe dance like the world is ending for the majority of those hours awake. Y'all, I can happily say for the first time in months I was tired yesterday....like sleepy tired - not just wired and exhausted like usual. If I could act like I just graduated college at night and then get my mommy face on during the days I think I could beat this thing! This was one of the FIRST times in two plus years that I really enjoyed myself. I didn't call home to check on the boys who were in the best hands with their South Georgia grandparents. And I actually didn't really think about them and I am okay with that. I don't think they thought much of me either for the 48 hours we were gone so I just let go and enjoyed being with my whole entire family in our favorite college town....Athens! Brad and I drove home in silence and not because of any silly tiff but because we both just wanted to take in every last minute of quiet. We decided we need an overnight break about every 6 weeks without the little people in order to really rejuvenate. Hold us to it!

But as much as the weekend away was so much fun - it was a treat to come home to two excited little boys. They were both in their chairs when we walked in eating one of about 5 dozen peaches my in-laws brought straight from Peach county, Ga! With full mouths and sticky hands they both squealed when we walked in the door. I will have to say that that was such a joy for me. I may not have missed them but that moment certainly reminded me of the fun that I do miss out on while I am away.

This morning I noticed William's FIRST tooth. Yes, he is 3 weeks shy of being one and he just cut his first tooth. I secretly think his timing is perfect as someone has been protecting me from the little sleep I do get by not allowing a baby's teething habits to interfere with my few hours. You can barely see the little thing but if you get anywhere near his mouth he will remind you that it is there. He has a bite for a little guy!
And then yesterday I caught Brooks' FIRST business conversation on the phone. This was completely unscripted or rehearsed and maybe the best laugh we've had in awhile.

11 things about the 11 month old

2011-07-18T12:45:00.003-04:00

1) He is G-O-O-F-Y! Often he looks like he just swallowed a fly which I find amusing. If its not that face then he has his "I am analyzing you" face which sharply turns into shrieking laughter. His expressions are pretty obvious....nothing mysterious about him.
2) He will eat a pork chop if I let him. I don't know another human that would sit and consume food for so much time straight. No breaks or he gets a little feisty. I've turned to cucumbers, lemons, and celery so he can atleast get his fix for food without the calories.
3)He adores his big brother and even if that same big brother just ripped a car out of his hands and had pushed him backwards he still crawl/chases him all over the house.
4)He falls down every single day. I don't care if I never sat him down he would still find a way to bang his head on a tree or something. I want what his head is made of because it is durable!
5)He can wear anything from a 6 month onsie with his name on it (thanks to Emilie) or an 18 month Kissie Kissie outfit (my favorite!) His belly needs a bigger size but his horizontally challenged legs need the 6 month stuff.
6)He is a speed crawler and even swifter on a set of stairs. Awesome.
7)He is standing for a minute or so at a time and then falls to his padded bottom to get to the next place. I have a feeling he will be taking those first steps soon and I am not ready for it one bit!
8)He is easy going and a delightful baby. God knew we would need a "pass" this go around since we would have other big things to face. Thank you!
9)He STILL doesn't even have the peep of a tooth. But he'll still take the pork chop if I let him.
10)He has had a few shy moments lately where he will lay his head on my shoulder when a stranger is talking to him. I secretly love it.
11)He is the perfect piece to our family. He is my buddy, he is Brooks best friend, and he adds the perfect quirky dynamic to our foursome. Though I am hopeful that him turning one will bring about a little relief in our daily lives (maybe more sleep? maybe one less thing to carry around?) I still don't want to let the "baby" go. He seems 6 months younger than B did at this time and I think unless it is for legal reasons I will still call him my baby. He certainly makes having babies a joy!

One month to go.....

Thank goodness for an iphone!

2011-07-13T08:32:00.003-04:00

Or I wouldn't have a memory of these boys in these young days. Everything happens so quickly and as expected - as soon as I grab any sort of camera or camera-phone the moment has gone and someone is upset. Luckily, I can sneak in a few photos throughout the day with these two-on-the-move-nonstop-tornados that I call my children. Here are a few lately....
{The caption under most of these would read "uh oh"}

I surely thought

2011-07-11T12:41:00.003-04:00

People died after this little sleep.
But I guess they don't. So, here we are. We made a trip to the library today. If I thought insomnia was scary - talk about a real live library! Thanks to amazon.com and Barnes and Noble I hadn't stepped into one of these since high school. Dewey decimal system, anybody? Anybody? We also made a trip to Target and I even let Brooks navigate the aisles himself. There are many things that just don't matter when you're tired and "perfect behavior" isn't one of them.

I feel like we are just floating through this summer, making the most of the scorching hot days all the while waiting on a miracle or Jesus to come back. Seriously, those are about my only two options when it comes to getting back to sleep. I am having so much fun with the boys as we explore every free and kid friendly activity in the city. And I really do believe that one day I'll be enjoying the lazy days of summer with a little more rest under my belt. Oh, I just can't wait for that day!

Throughout our fun little morning activities I have to repeat things in my head so my mind doesn't wonder to the dark side....sleep centers, psychophysiological insomnia, sleep spindles, and cognitive behavioral therapy...oh my! Instead, I have been thinking through this verse and really focusing on each word and what types of things that come to mind when I picture the word. I don't know what you may be going through right now but I can imagine so much of our stress these days is exacerbated by our ability to focus on the worst outcome. Try thinking through these words and as hokey as this sounds-imagine swallowing them. Did I lose you? Really, it helps really "take in" the sweeter things in life.

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. What comes to mind for you?

Excuse me while I get a little dramatic

2011-07-08T13:13:00.005-04:00

Wednesday marked a very big day in my timeline. The day before I had had the epiphany that I had been waiting for for a year now. The timing was odd and completely unexpected. Which is how I know it had nothing to do with me but all to do with a living God who knows me and has been there each long night holding my hand.

I guess it went how most pivitol moments in one's life seem to go. There was nothing unusual about the afternoon and it wasn't even what I would call rock bottom. I think I have hit that multiple times over the last half year and each time I thought, surely, the next day would be a whole new day...on a path to recovery. But like I would never have expected, something spoke to me on a normal Tuesday...like really spoke to me and I fully believe it will be the climax of this long saga over sleep.

I was walking with the boys and I got this feeling that I should follow my gut and get rid of every medicine bottle in my house. I've had this thought everyday but it never carried enough force to allow me to take the next step. It's not about the medicine as I fully believe God is the author of medicine and many people dear to me have been helped with medicine. It was about trust - a trust that I had never quite known. I had been listening to a sermon from my church on my ipod and Andy Stanley was talking about how smart society has become. We think we have figured out God, he was saying. I am paraphrasing but he was talking about infertility and how we have figured out how to mimic conception and now many children are born because of this discovery. He wasn't against modern technology he was just stating that it has caused us to not think so highly about God. If we can figure out how he does things then he doesn't seem that big anyway, right? This resonated with me at a level that only one other theory has in my life. That's another story for another day. This whole time I have wanted to have a real encounter with this God I talk about all the time. I didn't want to just report that I had found a medicine to wash it all away even though that isn't a bad option, too. I just really knew that God wanted to show off with me. This one belief had made every minute that I am awake at night and every minute that I have felt like a zero during the day worth it.

So Tuesday I literally threw away the 17 medicine bottles that had been floating around my house. Many of them had never been opened and most of them had only one less tablet. That was all it took with each one to push me closer and closer to true despair. There is nothing like losing your pride, trusting some doctors, hoping in a medicine, and then having it only exacerbate the problem and make you feel worse the next morning to deteriorate one's hope.

I didn't throw out the medicine knowing that I would sleep that night. I just knew I didn't care anymore about sleep. I have said this all along but I finally felt it - and it felt like no other physical or emotional feeling I have ever felt. I was feeling completely dependent on someone else for my every need. If I didn't sleep - God would give me the strength to handle the day. If I never got better - it was for a reason. And just like I thought - I didn't sleep great that night but I slept for 4 hours on my own for the first time this calendar year. The next night I got 4 more and then last night I got 5 under me. It doesn't matter......my mind feels so clear. I feel like myself again. I was dancing in the kitchen this morning to nothing better than the Wiggles while the boys ate oatmeal. This in itself is a huge feat. It has been months since I've caught myself dancing subcouciously or even humming to a song. I had been too preoccupied with finding a solution. Luckily the solution found me.

I don't expect the next several weeks and months to be all "and they lived happily ever after.....her and her big God." I really don't. Each night is still hard and I literally have to prepare myself for bed time like I am going into war. Earplugs - check. A fresh book that I won't finish in the night - check. Curtains fully closed - got it. The whole scene is pretty entertaining. But I am confident that each day that I get further and further away from having 15 different chemicals lingering in my body and each day that I give more and more of my fear over to the Lord I will begin to feel recovered. This sounds so crazy - but I can actually taste the night that I get back into our king sized bed at the same time with Brad and I fall asleep while he is praying like I used to. Believe it or not - our first two dates I spent asleep on his shoulder in a movie theater! I'm not sure why he asked me out again but obviously there was something about the old-relaxed me. She'll be back...I can picture it now.

I don't even know that this is how the story ends - she threw out her medicine bottles and was saved!Afterall, I don't take medicine for a headache but that doesn't mean I don't get them everyday. And like I said, this isn't about the decision to go drug-free in my fight for my life back - it is a decision about my genuine faith in our God. And thankfully, just as I made the decision to hand it all over - He had already made the decision to help me. It is all about timing and a year of waiting may have been all He needed.

I know this sounds needy, but please continue to encourage me and be excited with me when I get 3 hours of sleep. I have known this whole time that I was supposed to be pretty vulnerable with this whole battle and therefore I have been...even on the most public of places. This may sound arrogant but I feel like this journey has been a group-thing and I literally would not have made it out of January had I not the support of so many friends, family, and strangers alike. I hope you feel the power of your prayers because they have been heard...

I can't wait to fully enjoy the first weekend in many months with my three boys. I have been waiting to be able to say that...

William: Definition

2011-07-06T21:26:00.007-04:00

*My camera is still broken so iphone photos are all we have of the monsters! Sorry...

Under the picture posted a few days ago there didn't necessarily need to be any caption. Like I said, enough said. But in the rare case that his sly smile made you think that he was an angel from the sky - I thought I might do a little correcting. My favorite thing about having children yet isn't hearing them say my name or tell my they "wuv me 'dis much" or watching them run down the driveway like it's the most fun thing one could ever do....no, it is far better. It is watching them interact with each other. I know I am bias but I am so grateful to have more than one child. I couldn't imagine never seeing my child be a sibling to someone. My most prized moments come when B-man rubs W's head and says "it's otay, budder" after he had "unintentionally" knocked him down. Or hearing the nursery workers at the gym tell me that B comforted W while I was away. But then I also get to see the way W looks at B as if he is the biggest, coolest, most fun boy in the world. W chases B all around the house and he squeals when he even gets near him. Oh, and then B will run into W's room after a morning nap exclaiming "Good mornin budder!!" I love it!

Anyway, lately as I have watched the two interact it has become clear to me how entirely different they are from eachother. I always refer to them as a unit ... the boys...but in these last few weeks the little-fat-man as we call him (he's okay with it....trust me) has taken on a life of his own and he will let everyone know about it! Goodness, I am going to love (and be challenged by) this boys spirit!

So here is a definition of William, our plump little fireball....
Determined
Feisty
Dramatic
Quick
Vivacious
Fearless
Wiggly
Confident
Boisterous
Happy

But he has a soft side and in the last few weeks when we first go somewhere in public he will lay his little head on my shoulder as if he is wanting someone to think he is shy {scratch that - his head is huuuge but it is still sweet.} Of course, seconds later he is wiggling out of my hands to go find the nearest wire or hammer or piece of glass. I had it easy the first go round....B was interested in books and trees! Help me!

A really really fabulous day

2011-07-05T20:37:00.002-04:00

I woke up this morning (which implies I fell asleep) and I knew this was truly "my" day. It was the first morning I have started off sans a headache in the "J" months. And the lack of aching in my head lasted the whole day! I just did a cartwheel at that news. Yall, I honestly didn't know it felt soooo good to not have pain behind the eyes and around the top of my neck all day! Brad left our staycation house for work this morning and the boys and I enjoyed a life of luxury in someone else's home the whole day!

After a lazy morning we came home to a picnic in the backyard and then while the boys napped I did the unthinkable - NOTHING! Seriously, I floated in the pool while reading my latest mindless novel for nearly 2 hours drinking and Anry-Palmer until we had some company over to swim. I spent half of the morning talking to myself, or God, rather, just thanking Him for one really good-normal kind of day. I think I logged over 6 hours of sleep last night and though I may have had to swallow a pill to get that - it was worth it!

I really think God gave me this day to give me enough hope to get to the next really good day. I am so thankful for this glimpse of our reality....the boys are really very fun right now. They are always saying something new or doing something for the first time. My camera is broken right now and that was truly the worst part of today....not being able to capture the first time Brooks jumped in the pool and swam by himself (or with flotation assistance I mean) and the way William cackled this afternoon when Brad walked in the door. These days are so rich, each one of them. I know that I am missing so much by spending so many of my days exhausted and preoccupied with the "S" word so it was such a treat today to get to snuggle with the boys and tell them over and over how much fun they are to me.

My heart is stuffed to the max right now with gratitude and joy. I think I might hold my breath and keep it all in so it won't go away. It just feels too good to feel normal.....

It's truly not me

2011-07-01T09:04:00.003-04:00

I'll probably lose the other half of my readers with the post and receive even fewer phone calls next week but I'll take the consequences. I know fewer and fewer posts have been flooded with colorful pictures of lively babies. That's unfortunate because that is what is happening over here - color and vibrancy....if you focus on the two blessings on unstable legs. Thank God for those little hands and feet. I would have been in a weird hospital months ago had I not those boys to take care of me everyday. They make me laugh even after I've spent 7-10 hours tossing on a couch just hoping to atleast have my brain shut off for an hour on any given night. They keep my mind busy when it wants to go through every possible conceivable option again as to why sleep has become so unnatural to me. Mostly, they give me a hope each day that one day I will feel well enough to be the mom I want to be for them. Though a majority of the doctors I have seen would blame what has happened to my sleep on some deficiency in my body due to 2 back to back pregnancies - I just laugh that suggestion off. God knew what He was doing when he gave me two little people to help pull me through the hardest year of my life. Because of them I can not ultimately lose hope.

Well, because of them and that other thing called grace. I get grace this year. I have had seasons in the past where I really "felt" grace. I felt like I was feeling things I didn't deserve to feel....acceptance, love, and forgiveness despite what I had to offer. There was so much of me that needed worked on in the beginning of marriage. I was (and still am unfortunately) critical of the silliest things. I can better recognize my critical spirit but it's still there. Yet I felt so undeserving of someones unconditional love despite my ickyness. If grace is getting something that you don't earn or buy or even deserve then I have been covered in it these first years of marriage. Grace will break you when you finally accept it....in a really good way.

But in this season of life I can say that God's grace and strength have kept me going. I don't say that in a hokey-Baptist kinda way. Like, in a very real way. Every morning after I struggled the night away in the living room I wonder how I might begin to even care for a young child and every morning now for a year rather my eyes haven't closed or I'd experienced a miraculous 5.5 hours of medicated sleep God has given me enough to make the most of the day with the boys. I've yet to really lose my patience. It did happen once in the car last week when everyone was upset and I just figured I had more reason to be upset than anyone so I plugged my ears and screamed as loud as I possibly could. The crying in the back stopped and then my heart was flooded with shame. The boys looked very vulnerable and shocked. I spent the rest of the afternoon apologizing profusely and crying anytime either of their big eyes looked up to me for guidance. But other than that I am amazed how I much patience has come out of me during this journey - it is truly not me but grace.

And while a headache ensues each night of sleeplessness, somehow I have been able to accept those and the aching eyes that come and still get the boys and I out for an activity. Of course, after I've spent the night awake in the house the only thing I want the next day is to be out of the house but the thought of getting out with two dependent human beings often makes me want to crawl in a ball on the floor and just shut down. But we do always get out of the house and we have even had some pretty fun days....learning about bugs and how to swim in a pool and how to play in a fountain. I'm so grateful for the energy that is truly not my own. While much of this year has been a blur I do feel like I have been able to enjoy their milestones and create an inseparable bond with them. That is truly not my own strength, but again, God's.

Most of all, God has been the glue in this family - especially our marriage. If a marriage can not only survive but thrive through unexpected moves, pregnancies, and job changes...all in less than 4 years then I am confident we can withstand a multitude of stresses to come. This "thing" has changed our perspective eternally. We have truly suffered together this year. My heart aches as B leaves each morning with a look on his face of helplessness. He knows he can't fix this illness. He knows he has to leave me with the two boys and he knows my heart breaks again each morning after a bad night. But I think he trusts that it is truly not me pulling through this time. We have both witnessed the strong hand of the Lord who salvages each day and gives us a hope that maybe the next day I'll feel a little better.

I was reading in a book I read every morning a few days ago. The entry for June 27th was writing about Ephesians 3:16 where it says "with power through his Spirit in {my} inner being." The commentary then says "And the strength He gives is continuous, for He is a source of power I cannot exhaust."

I am so grateful that even when my power has "pooped out" there is nothing that can come my way - no matter how "chronic" it may be - that can exhaust His power. God's grace has given us joy, hope, laughter, and relaxation this year when I wouldn't have deemed that possible. What a real blessing. Now were off to make the most of this day with energy that is truly not my own.

Enough said

2011-06-28T17:01:00.003-04:00

Our usual

2011-06-27T13:28:00.004-04:00

This is a small account in a ~~day~~ ~~morning~~ hour of the house-O'babies. After I started narrating the beginning of the day I figured an hour was plenty. If you've had little ones at home but they are now grown you will enjoy remembering the typical morning. If you don't have kids yet you will sip your latte at work and relish in the quiet lunch you just had your desk and not be so bothered by your annoying coworker. And because there are most likely more than 60 entries - meaning more than 1 per minute I decided to leave out actual times but just imagine....there isn't a nano-second in between entries unless I have locked myself in the bathroom to attempt to go to the potty alone for 32 seconds. I have this down to an art.

"Bye, honey, have a good day. Enjoy your lunch at Chops today." Door Shuts. Let the fun begin...... {B=older boy, W=younger boy}
Mommy, I need oatmeal, mommy.
Clean up stacking toys from the morning - all 10 of them - thinking "if I just hide them, they won't be found again"
Wipe spit up from W's front side.
Re-hide wires under tv stand for the 3rd time already.
W crawls to the wires anyway.
Mommy, I need oatmeal, mommy.
While preceding to put himself in his chair B spills the entire Costco size container of blueberries.
W crawls to scavenge any runaway blueberries, pulling tv wires with him.
Oh, then he spits up again.
Fasten B in the chair so he won't step on anymore blueberries.
Amos eats atleast a pint.
W eats the other pint now on the floor.
Who cares? Blueberries are a super food.
Eww...with the blueberry W eats a leaf.
Spit up.
Mommy, I need oatmeal, mommy.
Oh yeah, oatmeal. That's right!
Dang it! I burnt the steel cut oatmeal. Why did I think I needed steal cut oatmeal anyway? Organic living can come later.
Who burns oatmeal?
I turn to walk into the kitchen and slide on said spit up. Aren't they supposed to grow out of spitting up by now?
Pull out the 24th wet wipe of the morning. Seriously, I counted. I've never felt such a love/hate towards a product before...
Wipe up spit up and place W in his chair to eat for the 3rd time. Eating is merely entertainment at this point.
Mommy, I need oatmeal. Mommy.
Mommy, I need milk, mommy.
Hey, buddy, can you not say "mommy" at the beginning and end of each phrase?
I turn to finally get the oatmeal and squash 3 blueberries. Thankful for wet wipes this time.
I actually get the oatmeal and remember the milk.
Mommy, I need blue cup, mommy.
Dang it, why did I teach him his colors?
No, B, use the green cup it's fine.
Mommy, green cup dirty, mommy.
Oh, right, I took the green cup from you last night and told you it was dirty. How did you remember that?
Crying ensues from W. If he could he would be saying, FEED ME. FEED ME.
Blueberries will have to do. Here comes pint number two!
Mommy, I need "bwuberries", mommy.
Sure thing. I can do that.
Mommy, I need "seben" bwuberries.
Why did I teach him how to count? I swear kids are easier when they are not so smart!
And by the way, you don't"need" anything...you "want" it, B.
Phone rings.
I check the fridge for my phone.
No lie.
Ironically, that is where I left it.
W wiggles his feet more ferociously expecting something more than blueberries asap.
I find a leftover chicken finger from yesterday's lunch. Chicken for breakfast? Perfect.
Mommy, I need Bernstain Bears, Mommy.
Again, bro, you don't need anything....

Let's end there. It's only been 10 minutes. I have heard my name 32 times. Again, I counted. And by then end of the hour I had picked up the stacking blocks 4 times and the basket of socks 5 times. You would think after this hour is repeated every single morning I would learn that I just shouldn't pick up until nap time. But I am a stubborn learner and somehow I have seemed to make the small task of feeding two growing boys a healthy breakfast much more complicated than it should be.

But....it is all worth it when B chases W around the house while pushing a dump truck. He giggles incessantly, thinking W was merely made for his entertainment. All the while W has picked up this new goofy tongue thing so his tongue hangs down to his chin as he motor-crawls around the house chasing B. He babbles and sings "da da" and for the next 10 minutes I sit and watch as the two learn about each other and their world through silly play. Then I realize I still don't have any pants on and it's now nearly 10am but nothing matters when youre home with babes. Nothing but their innocence and development and the way they look at you when they think you have all of the answers. Except why your phone was in the refrigerator.

Stats

2011-06-22T12:57:00.005-04:00

Y'all, it is bizzz-eee over here and it's the kind of busy I don't mind hanging around. Though I always like a full calendar and atleast something on my agenda each day I really do not like to run myself and the babies into the ground with activities, doctor's appointment's, and the like. Luckily, this hot summer we really have very little "to do." We didn't sign up for summer camp. yes, I said summer camp. I had no reason, really. I just didn't get around to it but I do think it is funny that I would have considered camp for my 2 year old! More so, we have done most of our travelling (though I am hoping for a girls trip to Charleston or Savannah, hint hint coastal friends) and we really have nothing to do but to grow up and to get ready for a wedding next month.

Speaking of growing - that is where we have been busy. Not-so-little-anymore-William started crawling right around his 10 month birthday and it so entertaining. He is fear-less! I've said it before but I love watching it play out....Brooks is cautious and reserved while William goes straight for the wires and the cliff! We were really able to "house-proof" the baby with Brooks but I have already started baby-proofing the house for the chubby man on four wheels now.

We are grateful for this new stage though as it allows William to sustain his ever increasing appetite. The other night I made a casserole - the good kind, gooey and full of cream and fat! I rarely do it that way but I was needing some comfort food. I fed William probably a cup and then left for the night with Mr. B in charge. I called him 20 minutes into my trip for some reason and he said he was feeding William casserole and that he had eaten half the pan. "I already fed Willy-B," I exclaimed! This was the first time I really felt guilty about his caloric intake. He will eat anything in front of him and he won't stop himself. My brother, who is a doctor, says he is fine with him being a little plump until he turns two but I am afraid at this rate he'll be on a tv show in 10 years. Luckily the crawling has to be doing something for the food consumption. My new motto for Willy-B is "calories in =calories out," so we just make him crawl all over the house chasing after us if he wants to be held. {Not really but sort of :) }

He also sings "da, da' da" all day long even if I insist that the right words are "ma, ma, ma." Everyone is bias towards the cuteness of their own child and I get it for sure. With this little guy though we just keep quiet because we just know he is that stinkin adorable. I mean Brooks makes us laugh and his eyes light up a room and he certainly had his cute pre-one moments but W doesn't even try and you can't help but munch on his cheeks when you pick him up. Oh, and smiles.....he owns them. I know the babies have caused some commotion with my hormones but every smile and belly laugh makes it all worth it. God surely knows what he is doing when he plops you in the hardest stage of life you'll ever face but gives you a chubby baby (and a toddling-toddler) to entertain you. Often people offer to take the boys for a few hours or even days and while the break is needed and nice - I just don't like not having them around. They have made this year battling insomnia a happy year to remember. As I sit here with less than two hours of sleep under my belt I can't believe I can say that - but it is true. What a treat - and challenge it is to have young children!

But as cute as they are awake, they both happen to be sleeping right now and I need to go try to take care of this sleep deficit as much as I can. Happy official summer!

Brooks in his cowboy boots that he is OBSESSED with! He wore them in honor of my cowboy boot wearing grandma!
And all of my boys helping me grocery shop. They are as helpful as they look...

Not so normal

2011-06-20T13:49:00.003-04:00

My grandmother passed away last week as many of you saw on the blog. Nothing has really felt normal since and I don't know when it will. It's true - all of the praying and meditation and vitamins in a day can't prepare you for the death of a loved one. Especially, an unexpected death. I know it is pretty not-cool to talk about death on a blog full of pictures of smiling children but I think there is a sweetness in her passing that I am clinging to right now and I couldn't miss writing about it.

My Mawmaw, my mother's mom, and a mom to six other daughters, was self-less. This had to be written with a hyphen for the emphasis.....she cared most about others - not about her self. She literally lived to make other people smile. Last Friday my mama wanted me to take the boys to Mawmaw's pool to swim but as they often do, the boys naps thwarted any of our plans. Of course today I despise that I let the naps of my babies interfere with the last time I could have spent with my grandmother. I now have an answer to one of my biggest regrets. I had just literally been too busy and too exhausted lately to make the effort to visit anyone - even the long overdo dentist, and in this season of life I had sort of thought that the rest of life would wait for me to catch up. You know, wait for me to get back to normal sleep and wait for me to feel good again. And for a long while life seemed to be just standing still for me. I had just told Brad that I felt like my feet were in quick sand and I was watching as friends and family around me graduated, got engaged, started a business, or even more close to home - were healed from an ailing sickness. All the while, life wasn't waiting for me as I had thought. My grandmother, for one, was experiencing the joy she had created through her many grandchildren and through pleasing the people around her despite how she may have felt on the inside. She made three cakes last Wednesday on the day that will now be put on the other end of her hash mark. She literally squeezed every ounce of life and joy out of each day and she lived like it may be her last....even on a seemingly normal Wednesday.

If for some reason my day was today I would be appalled at the things I left behind that day....certainly not cakes! Anyway, there is a sweetness about her life that is all around me right now and it is so refreshing amidst such loss.

There is a for sale sign in our front yard right now. I have yet another doctor appointment tonight - number 14. Our boys are only getting farther away from being babies and there are letters I want to write and things I need to do in order to take care of my family tomorrow but for right now I just want to enjoy the sweetness. Mawmaw's passing has allowed me to be okay with life passing me by. I feel as if time has stopped for everyone who knew her and we will all just catch up sometime down the road....but that's okay. Now is the time to remember and to store away the lingering taste of her chocolate pound cake and the beautiful memories of her last months on earth among so many friends and family.

I am grateful for this "not so normal" time. I am thankful to really feel sadness for my mother and her sisters and for all of us whom grieve the loss of her earthly life. Life sometimes seems too much about the things to get done during the day and while alot of that is just the reality of having two young ones - I don't want to live that way. It's too frustrating to live that way. Nothing will ever be fully done but there will always be invaluable conversations and embraces that we have all been a part of each day....none of which were part of a to-do list. I am just so glad that I have enough of those to keep my mind drifting from one memory to the next during this time.

And I am grateful, too, for smiles like the one below. Life is a full circle. My mawmaw in her 70's knew just how to make a little child smile. I think she got it. She knew there was a richness to life and it wasn't found in doing a certain amount of things each day but more about enjoying enough people each day and relishing in the smile of a little child or even a grown daughter. Our boys are lucky to have four grandparents to make the same impact that my Mawmaw made on me. Life really is a circle....with a cloud of "sweetness" around it if we can slow down enough to take it all in.

My sweet Mawmaw

2011-06-15T17:43:00.003-04:00

I don't know all of the details but my grandmother has gone to kiss her groom that passed away many years ago. My heart is broken for my mother and her six sisters and the huge family that she leaves behind. What a legacy this woman has made! I know God will make all things new and that He will comfort us all in our time of need....espceially her seven daughters.

Here is a post I wrote about her years ago. I miss her cooking, crazy stories, and her smile already. . .
***

Sunday night's at Mawmaw's

baby bro found himself a perty little wife

2011-06-13T13:34:00.005-04:00

And they're gonna have a pretty sweet life. And really cute kids. One day.
Unfortunately, for them and us, they have spent too many a dinner times with our family of four to not want children for an unreasonably long time. My lifestyle in the past has caused people to want to run long distances or to live a little more "unscheduled" but never have I caused such a dramatic conclusion. No kids!

Anyway, last night Brad and I left the monsters with an ~~insane~~ saint-like babysitter right during the 3 hardest hours of a little person's day - a bath, a dinner, and an attempt at bed. We travelled across town for the first of the festivities for the wedding. There have been some bachelor/ette type parties before now but ironically both Brad and I were given "passes" to not attend. I never before knew how OLD thirty seemed until I appeared to out dated for a bachelorette party! {I'm just kidding, little bro and sis-to-be......we both know it would have been so fun and comfortable to sit around and talk about your honeymoon rompings with your turning-grey-haired-sister and brother in law. So fun!} So last night was our first wedding activity and it was so perfect! {Except for the fact that I didn't remember until we pulled up that it was a couples-fiesta-shower and I had told Brad to dress in his finest. Forgive, honey? Please?} My littlest brother and sister in law to be have some pretty cute friends and for a few hours I was back in the middle of "how can I find a job that I actually like" and "where do I actually meet girls in a big city" type of conversations that I hadn't been privy to in many years.....and I loved it! I can't wait for the big day in July! Not only will this be the most fun wedding I have ever attended because that is just how they are....it will also be such a thrill to have another girl in our family and a little bit more complete family dynamic. I am so grateful to have something other than baby milestones and food intolerances to keep up with for a few months.

And for some reason now the tears have started to fall. I thought I'd make it another paragraph but oh well! I just love a good marriage. I know my brother has what it takes to make it just that. He is compassionate yet energetic. Agressive yet he certainly has a soft side. He is the person you want to show up to the party with because he is that much fun but also the person you want to sit with over a long lunch because there is a deep side, too. More so, he is the person you will want to marry because he will have the most outrageous videos shown and stories told at his rehearsal dinner. I can't wait!

Cheers to summer weddings and my big family getting even bigger! Party pictures to come {hint hint - mom!} because they are a cute couple and you'll want to see them!

Marriage retreat 2011

2011-06-06T09:26:00.006-04:00

Just the word "retreat" makes me a little uneasy. 3 weeks after we were married in 2007 I thought it would be a grand idea to go on this women's retreat. You know, as if after 3 weeks of marriage I would be ready to get away and pick apart all of the ins and outs of marriage and my change in identity and my role as a wife and such. I was pretty much miserable. I broke every rule and not only turned on my cell phone as instructed not do but I skipped half of the planned activities to talk to my recent groom.

Last week I did not know what to think about 5 days away from the little boys. I didn't know, either, that I had forgotten how to really unwind but I had...completely. So after a full 48 hours of straightening our vacation home in Key Largo and trying desperately to suck down the best pina colada I had ever had just to maybe help the tension...I finally was able to let go and feel what it feels like to be only responsible for myself.

Thanks to the grandparents in our life we were able to hop a plane and a bus and a train and Marta and a golf cart (it took us 7 modes of transportation just to get to where we were going) we were on our way to what turned out to be a much needed marriage "retreat" for the two of us. We had the type of conversations that only happen B.K. because when you are W.K. (with kiddos) the conversation doesn't get farther than who's diaper was changed last. We rode the golf cart all over the island, took two hours to work out each day, stayed out for dinner past 7:30, and even sat and watched the stars over a bridge over the water each night.

The funny thing is that after two days of being wound so tight I couldn't even giggle, I finally let down, and then 48 hours later I was ready to come home....back to runny noses and bottles to clean because, honestly, I have come accustomed to the consistency of my life. I could certainly afford myself a little more personal time throughout the week but for two years (and the last 9 months especially) I have grown to enjoy the busyness of the day and the inability to think beyond the hour. I know I won't be like this forever - I don't think anyone could but for now, for some reason, I am a little addicted to the 90 mile pace and lack of time to "retreat." Plus, being away showed me just how infectious the giggles of little boys can be. When we left last week I said I didn't know if I would miss the voice of our two year old...constantly asking the same silly question over and over and over and over. I'll admit, the first two days I welcomed the quiet but after 48 hours I realized that I don't really like quiet right now. A quiet house will come again in many years and by that time I know I'll long for these sweet, toddler days again.

I guess that is what vacation is about though....realizing that life at home is pretty sweet!

We didn't get too many photos because we didn't take bags anywhere! I think this was half the fun - not having to carry 4 things just to go to dinner at night. But here are the very few that we took - obviously on self timer!
Window seat to Miami...what a pretty flight!
We did alot of this....nothing in the shade by the pools and ocean.
I seriously wet my pants laughing at the comedian of the bunch as we ran out of juice in the cart on our sunset cruise over the bridge.
Movie night on the island. We were the youngest of the crowd by 50 years.

This is about as good as you get with the wind, a broken camera, and no one in sight to snap a photo. I love how our memories these days are more about the actual memory and not about looking like superstars!
{Seriously needing to invest in a real camera before our good years are over!}

Checking out

2011-05-31T18:54:00.001-04:00

I am checking out for a little while and I couldn't be more thrilled. I need a few days and I hope it doesn't turn into a few weeks. Juicy pictures of yummy babies to come when I return!

One thought and lots of pictures

2011-05-24T09:14:00.008-04:00

Yesterday in the midst of my tiredness Mr.B posed a question that has been brewing inside of me for awhile but in not as eloquent a fashion. This is why I am so grateful for husbands. Really, when I can't see the forest through the trees - he sees it clearly.

If my sleep trouble were never to get any better could I still praise God and honor Him with my attitude/actions inspite of my insomnia?
I've let that one marinade for 24 hours now and something in me has been stirred.
***
Who can scoot under the couch the quickest?
A little family birthday party for the two year old...

The 2nd generation playgrouper's during the last minute picnic birthday at the park.
It's my party and I'll sit if I want to.

Little William just happy to be included in the festivities
And my personal favorite...William already trying to attack his bigger brother. Sweet.

It's my child's birthday and I have chronic insomnia

2011-05-23T08:53:00.007-04:00

Those aren't necessarily the two phrases you might enter in your google bar on any given Monday morning, I know. It also isn't the most captivating subject were I trying to woo an audience and build a brand. The word "chronic" anyway is just ugly. As I have done on here for years now though, I have kept it as close to reality as I can get. This topic has been brewing in my head since 1:51a.m. this morning when maybe all but one of you were doing exactly what you should be doing at that time. Unfortunately, as a result of these last 5 months my body has no clue what it should do at any given time so writing a blog in my head rather than thinking of sugar plums was just fine for me. I remember the B.C. (Before this Craziness) times when I would awaken in the middle of the night and I was so happy to still have several hours to get to go back to sleep. I would do alot of things for that feeling today....just to have my body rise and fall during the day and night as it should.
But don't worry, this isn't entirely a post about my story. There is a light at the end.
Our first born child is really two today. Even though we have been celebrating for a week - today is his actual birthday and ironically, the least hyped up day of all....a muffin for breakfast and yet another wear of his dirty "TWO" birthday shirt. We will meet up with friends at the park in a little bit for an impromptu picnic to celebrate the precious boy with as little effort as possible. Luckily, children this age are so easily pleased so he will be thrilled to get to run around and eat a peanut butter and jelly (apple jelly of course). Yesterday of all the grand gifts his family gifted him with - my sister-in-law-to-be walked in with a shiny box with a balloon attached. Of course the star shaped balloon was the hit of the whole afternoon. She is a teacher and I swear teachers just know kids inside and out. I have never been a teacher and never even pretended to be when I was little so my present to our little boy was a mesh of little things that I thought he might enjoy at some point. A balloon certainly would have been easier!
Anyway, the only single thing that I know how to do amid this ongoing storm is to focus on the day at hand and not a day more or less. I could drive myself crazy....and I have many times...trying to figure out what the next month will look like - or better yet, the next week. Will I be back on medication in order to do what so naturally comes to everyone else I know? Will I have found the answer I am looking for...the science behind why either my mind or my body on any given night will not turn off? Will I be listening compassionately to another new mom that, too, is experiencing out of her control type things over a cup of coffee? Or maybe, will this all be old news and I will not even be able to conceive of not falling asleep before 2am? But I can't go there everyday. It doesn't do anything. I would have told you three months ago that I had had enough and I couldn't go any farther and then somehow, I've gone farther. While in many ways I am better - I am sort of still where I was 5 months ago to this day....tired and wired and really really confused. Heartbroken at times. The God that I know doesn't want me to miss my sons birthday because I was so consumed by my own health. So of course I have had to ask myself so many times, who is the God that I know and do I really know Him? I've been extremely hard on myself during all of this. I will blame myself at 2:03 in the morning for not believing enough that I can be healed. If I only prayed longer or "harder"(whatever that means), I will think. If I were only more positive during the day. If only I would stop telling people that I am not feeling well. But I know at my very core that there is nothing more I can do and this is not my fault. It is not my lack of faith that has me here. My faith is probably much grander than I even know. If you strip away all of the layers - I really believe that this period of suffering is going to change my marriage, change the mom that I am going to be, and even change my immediate family's intimacy with each other. There is nothing that tears down hard walls of the heart like a sobbing 30 year old right before her son's birthday party. I am pretty sure I am the sister-in-law that is not being fought over to sit next to at the family cookout because that means the never ending question will have to be asked but I do think in the end my family will all be grateful for the whole journey. I know it is bigger than myself.

So here is the light you've been waiting for. I KNOW GOD WILL HEAL ME WHEN HE IS READY. Now that I am 9 months into this (with a 3month respite while I was nursing William) I can clearly see that this isn't something a warm bath, a glass of milk, an antidepressant, or even a psychiatrist can fix. I can't pray my way out, I can't pay my way out, and I can't will myself out. This has nothing to do with me or medicine or surrender. I have done all of that atleast three times over. This is God's sovereign will for me and He knows better. He knows that this short period (in the grand scheme of things) of (light in comparison) suffering WILL BRING HIM GLORY AND WILL BRING ME CLOSER TO HIM. Do the caps scare you? I have to KNOW these things and claim them daily and then not think about tomorrow or how this story will end. While I don't want to miss the sweet years with my boys I can know with certainty that the God who has started a good work in me will finish it out to completion (Philippians 1:6). I have written this verse several times in my 3 decades - on binders at school, in journals, on note cards but this experience has brought energy into each word. The only thing I can hope in is God who knows me, knows my exhaustion, and knows that this isn't all happening in vain.....it has purpose.

Sweet Birthday boy, I am grateful to have your life to celebrate today. Your smile and your contagious giggle give me daily relief from this season of confusion. You (and William and your daddy of course) afford me more joy than any sleepless night can steal. I promise I am doing everything in my power to feel better for you. The best medicine so far has been being your mom and focusing on that grand task and nothing more. The rest will come......

We love you, Mr. Two year old! Here is a little clip of "big" interviewing you before your big birthday party.

Practicing for TWO

2011-05-20T13:41:00.003-04:00

As you can see, we don't do birthday's lightly around here. I decided next year we will celebrate the biggest boy's birthday the weekend before and the little boy's May birthday the week after....but for this year we are just burning both ends of the candle and soaring into 30 and TWO!
Brooks made cupcakes to celebrate himself on his last day at school. Smart boy, isn't he?
Here he is with his two teachers this year, Mrs. Anne, and Mrs. Stacey. What a blessing they have been to us! They love this little boy so well and he is going to miss them (not as much as i will) this summer.

And here is Mr. Happy after his birthday party at school! Now on to a day without kiddos to continue to celebrate Brad tomorrow and then a family birthday for Brooks on Sunday and finishing off with a picnic on Monday with friends at the neighborhood park. Pictures to come I am sure! We hope you feel celebrated even if isn't your special birthday!
Hopefully I'll catch him singing Happy Birthday to himself...it's delicious!

There's a sticker on your back, birthday boy!

2011-05-19T10:01:00.003-04:00

I love suspense. Not in the gory, loud movie at night kind of way but more so in the "my husband is playing golf all day for his birthday and little does he know that someone placed a sticker on his back announcing that it was his birthday" kinda way. I just chuckle-snorted as I wrote that. I have no clue what the birthday boy's response will be when someone brings my surprise to light as he is practice swinging for his firs shot at PDC.

What do you think?
a) He will have tingles all over his body as he feels the love sent through a sticker straight from me to him on his special day?
B) He will turn pink in the face and use all of his energy and focus just trying to remain cool and calm while inside burning with fury at my joke.

I really have no clue as I have yet to purposefully and publicly embarrass my husband, especially on his birthday. As you know - I am a birthday kinda girl. It's not at all that I like the attention or the party or the present but I do really appreciate the thought that those closest to me put into making a birthday special. ANd while I don't think Brad is wired the same way I secretly think anyone loves being made a fuss over on their own birthday.....and especially the birthday that sends you into MIDDLE AGE! Maybe a sticker on your back declaring that it is your birthday and that your wife loves you isn't the fuss that many would appreciate but when you have limited resources and two mini-me's restricting your ability to say, fly to the Caribbean on a minutes notice, a sticker will do.

So we want to wish our either giddy with joy or raged with fury father and husband a very happy THIRTIETH BIRTHDAY! How much do we love you? Let us count the ways.... (In no specific order....just as they come...)
1) You have the prettiest, longest eye lashes and you gave them to our boys and I covet them.
2) You drive a truck.
3) You bring the drama factor in the house down to a good average. You are easy and low key and peaceful. You are needed for those reasons.
4) Your faith is simple and beautiful. You understand your need for a Savior and that your life is purposeful.
5) You are from South Georgia. I always wanted to be a part of a real South Georgia boy's life but didn't know it would really happen.
6) You love being outside and you see beauty in everything.
7) You make pretty babies.
8) You are the kind of father every kid needs. You get excited over little things, you like to wrestle, you tell our boys you are proud of them, and you enjoy teaching and training them - not just commanding that they respect you.
9) You like good music.
10) You are the most selfless person I have ever met. You constantly put me and the boys above any of your needs.
11) Your work ethic is to be praised. You set your mind to something and you do it.
12) You will do something with me even if it isn't your favorite thing to do just to be able to spend time with me.
13) You have a good sense of fashion.
14) You treat your mama and sister like they are queens which is why I knew I could marry you.
15) You make a V-neck t-shirt look good and I DESPISE V-neck t-shirts.
16) You are good at anything you try whether it is golf, politics, or tennis. You are versatile.
17) Ambidextrous. How cool.
18) Red hair. Even cooler.
19) You put up with me. (And my 9 months of sleepless nights now. Basically you are a saint.)
20) Your edgy and you will try new things.
21) You aren't bound by other people's opinions.
22) You are self made. Everything that has come your way has been by your own determination....not the hand of anyone else.
23) You make friends easily.
24) You can do a mean handstand in the front yard.
25) What other South Ga boy roller blades?
26) You like to travel with me.
27) You do not judge other people for their differences but rather you are fascinated by them.
28) You love the Lord above anything else.
29) You're Hot.
30) You are my very best friend and the one person that has seen me at my worse but you still love me the same.

We are the lucky ones, birthday boy! We hope you are enjoying your big day on the golf course. And I hope your golf buddies are a little easy on you knowing that it is your birthday via my secretly placed birthday sticker!!!

Mr. Potato Head

2011-05-17T09:18:00.008-04:00

My dad got it right this time. He calls William a stomach with eyes....kinda like the Mr. Potato head that Brooks like to torture in between torturing his brother and his stuffed animals. Oh and Amos (he is certainly the victim in all of this.)
Yesterday we went to the pediatrician, aka: My Biggest Cheerleader, for William's ~~Biggest Loser weigh in~~ well visit. The best news is that the little potato is right in line with every other potato out there - round and dominating when it comes to ~~head~~ brain size. Of course every nurse at every appointment, pulls out the same joke about the "brains in there," to which I mildly smile and ask for reassurance that the rest of his body may one day catch up??
Which reminds me of a crude scenario I encountered earlier this month during a routine 2 year old-Sunday (read: I should be more appropriate day) birthday party. Several non-dad dudes and one recently named dad were having a normal conversation (normal in our world) about the massive head on William. I was holding the potato head and overhearing the comments about how they wouldn't want to get in a fight with him and how they never knew a baby's head could be so large. I am not sure what pushed me to say what I said and I am further not sure why I am exclaiming now from the rooftops what I so absurdly said. It wouldn't have been so cruel had it been like a mom's playgroup or something but these dudes just wanted to maintain their coolness at a baby's birthday party and not necessarily have to talk about babies and other gooey subjects like where they came from.
"Hey, that head your'e referring to had to come out of somewhere." {Silence. Squeamish giggles and then the dudes walk away to find the nearest/quickest Miller Light.}
Anyway, it is true, William has the largest head he can have on the charts and one of the shorter bodies but like the nurses say - we'll just call it brains in there. Fortunately, because his head is so big it makes his precious little fat rolls just seem not so overcoming. And as any mother would say about their own child - I think he is just precious and perfect in every way...I love the way his wrists look like they were screwed on and I love the way his legs look in a short-all outfit. Both my mom and I agree that he should not be picked up unless he is kissed a minimum of 6 times. It's a must when you are that yummy!

So overall William is doing great at 9 months. Here are just a few notes for the baby book:
-Wears 9 month to 12 month clothing. It's crazy to have a baby that actually wears the size that matches his age. I thought all the baby clothes makers were smoking something when labeling the clothes for size until now.
-Likes to eat.
-Understatement: Would eat beef stroganoff if I let him. {Not that I have ever made that but it sounds pretty advanced when it comes to food.}
-Still adores watching his brother which is truly the best part about having these babies so close together. William doesn't need a toy - he just needs his brother.
-Sleeps like a champ. Thank you, God! Sleeps at night about 7pm-7:30am and takes 2-2 hour naps a day. Thank you, God, too, for naps!
-Has just started showing a little separation anxiety and I won't lie - I kinda like it.....
-He still likes to be held. I'll never forget that first day after we so easily sent him to the nursery at the hospital and the nurse came back to tell me that the night went great but "that baby wants to be held....all the time."
-His top two teeth are starting to show. I was a little concerned about this. i thought babes always got the bottom two first? I think this is going to be our defy-the-norm kinda boy!
-He is reckless as a 9 month old can be and has little reservation. This is so fun to watch his personality come alive. Brooks is certainly our cautious/ reserved child so far - he wouldn't run into a situation without first calculating it but not William. It doesn't matter how he has to get to what he wants or what peril may come his way - he is going for it! I love this about him.
-And luckily, he is a little more of a snuggler. He actually has a blanket that makes him shriek when I give it to him in his bed. Until now Brooks has needed no "lovey" or "bear" - just a cup of water for comfort at night. But of course as he has seen William take to an object for comfort so Brooks has now followed suit. I'm not kidding - our nap times include two bears, a stuffed dog named Turbo, George the monkey, AND TWO pillows! I'll have to catch a photo because it is pretty hilarious....Brooks trying to make it to bed with all of his things. Oh, and a car for good measure.

William's latest moves - scooting backwards under anything, smiling as usual, and serving as his brother's entertainment. We love you, little William. {Can we start raising a fund for a new camera so I will stop using the iphone camera? Sorry for the picture quality. I am not sure how I would capture half of their lives if I had to go find a good camera anyway!}

I NEED birthday cake

2011-05-16T09:30:00.006-04:00

Some of the best entertainment on a normal day comes from the mouth of a juvenile. It certainly brings me a sense of pride when I teach the soon-to-be-2-year-old a new song or a portion of the ABC's and then he repeats his new found lesson throughout the day. I never really played teacher growing up. I was more of the office or business kind - always making up a way to make a dollar off of some of my treasured crap. Puff painted sweat shirts anyone? And I don't think I have an ounce of teacher-type-patience in me so therefore, I am thankful for school. If his growth were left up to me alone right now I think he would know alot about useless things like Bethenny Frankel, circadian rhythm, and how many sit ups it takes to burn off a bag of m$m's. So it is always an eye opener when I hear the little goober spouting off real live sentences that mean something and I knooooowww he didn't hear them from me!

His latest is his greatest. He needs everything now. No longer does he want a piece of candy, he neeeeeds it. He says it with such conviction that I find myself giving in 9 times out of 10. Yesterday we were at a 2 year old birthday party. "Mommy, I need birthday cake." I was enjoying conversation with some grown ups and so I immediately gave him the object of his affection. Well, he got his manipulation from me I think because no sooner than his tongue had faded back to a non-icing color had he implored to the softy of the family, "daddy, I neeeeeed birthday cake." Two days ago I found myself correcting him everytime he needed something so desperately. I tried to convince him that he just wanted it and the two were different. I said, Brooks, mama needs you to learn how to use the potty. Mama needs a vacation. Mama needs to stop eating M&M's all day everyday. On the other hand Brooks wants birthday cake weeks before his actual birthday and Brooks wants to go outside to play in my car - he doesn't need to. Get it, Mister? To which he responded, I need daddy.

The little man is off at "school" right now and I admit, I am a little remorseful this week. It was just months ago that I dropped him off and cried the whole three hours in the parking lot because I felt so terrible leaving him in the hands of someone else. It took him almost two months to actually like "school." And now when I pick him up he is usually laying on the bean bag chair on the floor with his legs crossed and propped on the table as is he Mr. BMOC. He gets that cool-arrogance from my other half I am sure. I have one more week to say he is one year old. I loved having a one year old. I know each stage carries it's own burdens and joys but I think one is fascinating. I never knew how humbling it would be to watch a little person that somehow you created (well, God created, but you know what I mean) as he learns about the simplest things. Brooks gets joy in picking the bark off of a tree. Oh, for that kind of child like faith to take over my mind! One to two years for me is really the most fun I have ever had....and to think I haven't even felt my best this year? I can't imagine watching William as he explores the trees and animals and, oh....steak (for real, I think he is ready for a steak or a burrito!)in this next year. Here's to expecting that I will feel even better this 2nd time around...I may have sensory overload if that's the case!

I need to clean up the house but I want to watch the Today show and enjoy my last week of Brooks' getting ~~entertainment~~ educated.

Pinch me!

2011-05-10T17:01:00.006-04:00

The last few weeks as a mom of two has been quite {ahem} fun. I've started to feel better and while I know I still have a little ways to go the slight change in my energy and increase in sleep has totally transformed my attitude! I can once again attest that sleep makes all the difference in the world!
Ever since the temperature here has started up the incline I have started to pull out entertainment for two babies from nowhere! Brooks favorite new playground is inside my car so I will park the car in the shade and let his little imagination go! We have also been having a pic nic in the front yard everyday for lunch. Our front yard has a very slight hill and it is without fail that William reaches for a runaway grape and he rolls three circles down the hill. He is in a funny stage. He really just wants to run with Brooks but he has yet mastered how to move anywhere but backwards. I am glad he is taking his time crawling as I am not ready to have two on the move. I think his lack of moving symbolizes this last little season of "babies" for me for awhile and once he is on all fours the bottles are put away soon after and we are in full on toddler mode. I can't really allow myself to think of those days because I truly can't picture them. I am running low on the entertainment ideas as it is - with two we may be turning to make up and cleaning...two things I know! Sorry daddy!
Yesterday we visited the airport park and Brooks saw a girl on the swing set from his class. Watch out dad's of little girls! This boy knows how to woo the ladies. He sat right next to her on the stairs and maybe reached his hand over to her pocket. My friend caught the action below. If you ask me he is looking pretty rough....can we say haircut please? And maybe a bandaid or two?
Then today after a kick-my-tail-workuot-because-I-only-have-a-few-weeks-until-Key Largo (Yes, KEY LARGO!) the boys and I had another picnic full of fruit thrown everywhere and mac and cheese stuck to our blanket but who cares....then we hit the slide. I've concluded that anything I once considered kinda redneck is no longer with two boys around. I will do ANYTHING for good entertainment! {And a shot of a little boys bottom

I have had many more of those "pinch me" moments lately with the boys. For the most part William eats or watches Brooks with amazement. I love catching him just grinning so big as he watches Brooks play with cars or run around like a madman. William is so ready to be right next to Brooks' every step and it truly is beautiful to watch. And Brooks floors me everyday. Last week he started turning around on the rug in the playroom exclaiming "Asses, asses, fall down." Of course I came running to wonder where he had learned his new word {surely not me} and then I saw him on the ground and realized he must have picked up ring around the rosy at school. Watching a child learn about the world around him is truly one of the most humbling things I could ever imagine. Brooks loves to mimick his dad in every way, too. Whether it's riding high in "daddy's truck" or looking up at the trees on the porch...he is a daddy's boy! (Unless he gets hurt and of course he couldn't scream "mama" louder!) Anyway, pinch me. I know these itty-bitty days are flying past us and I know I will only have pictures (and the blog) to remind me of their innocence and their trust as babies. I am grateful to get to shape these two boys in whatever way I can. What a chore! In the mean time, I need some good summer entertainment ideas before I pull out the make up!

{Can you tell I'm a little more mushy when I get a few hours of sleep?}

Thank you, Al

2011-05-06T08:37:00.005-04:00

You know you have been out of corporate America or employed by a toddler too long when __________________________________.

There could be alot of really juicy answers for this one but today I have only the Today show to thank for my response.

Yes, it is when you can vividly remember Al Roker making mint juleps on the Today show for the last four years before the Kentucky Derby.

This year the marketing has worked. I'm going to find my one silver tumbler with beads around the top and then heading to the grocery store. Could I find Princess Beatrice's look alike head piece somewhere inside the Perimeter to wear as my Derby hat?

Or maybe this one if I didn't want such a statement????

Still haven't recovered

2011-05-05T09:14:00.002-04:00

I don't get too easily worked up over things that I should get worked up over. But don't worry - I get worked up over everything else. Last week among a perfectly swell Friday I got pretty worked up and this time it really mattered.

I'm not sure where the boundary of information should stop when it comes to our internet community but I just think this needs to be said in case any of you naive mothers like myself need to hear it.

Brooks and I were vacuuming the upstairs in our vacuuming attire which for him is a diaper. Don't tell Mr. B but I bought Brooks his own vacuum cleaner for $3 at a garage sale and I will let you decide if he likes it or not. It has wheels and makes noise....

Well, as I normally don't do - I bolted down the stairs when I heard the littlest man crying and in the 60 seconds that I was away our lives could have changed forever. Fortunately, we just have a shattered 100 pound mirror and nothing else. This is the same mirror that I told my mom Brooks never had noticed in his playtime. Last Friday he noticed it and I propose he decided to act like his mama and ferociously vacuum - knocking into everything along the way.

When I say there were 100 ways for this accident to have severely injured or worse killed our child I am not lying. And there was one way for the whole incident to only result in a shattered mirror and a mama's "cool" and nothing more - there was only one way.

I haven't stopped replaying the thunderous sound of the mirror sliding down the stairs in my head. Then I hear the sweet voice of our almost two year old saying, "mama, mirror bonk head." Our little ones' only recollection of this monstrous event was that the mirror happened to slightly bonk his head. Can you hear my sigh of relief just then as I relived that one minute.

Literally, I can not stop thanking God for protecting my child. The night before I had had another poor night of sleep and I think I had spent the whole morning thinking about my issues....the things that really don't matter when there are little people under your roof. When I saw the mirror at the bottom of the stairs and saw our child, unscathed, at the top, I instantly felt my heart explode. I truly believe there were angels protecting him from the peril that his mom had so easily looked past. To say I was worked up the rest of the day is an understatement. I can't stop thinking about the good that came from that seemingly disastrous morning. A few less hours of sleep a night just doesn't matter. Nor will my life change if I don't get to work out one day or if the laundry doesn't get folded. My life would change if one of my boys were hurt - especially because of my own negligence. Life can change in an instant but I am so grateful that it didn't change in that instant. Thank you, God.

I admit - I had just as much fun

2011-05-03T13:50:00.005-04:00

Our clan has been pretty adventurous lately and I am feeling pretty good about our mischief. We've been very spontaneous with our activities which is a word I didn't think I would hear as a mom with two little boys. Much of our fun has been kid centered but I may have caught Mr. Brad with even bigger smiles along the way. And maybe I like stirring up "kid-friendly-fun" knowing that I, too, will feel like a little girl at a fair with a funnel cake!
Like mother like son. This boy loves a car nap after a day outside!
The boys may have been a little more intrigued by MARTA than we were this past weekend.

I spy someone round and plump who loves a good picnic at the park!

Trucks aren't just for dads...
Popsicles aren't just for moms...
Trees (or tree spotting as in this photo) aren't just for little boys (I did marry a boy that majored in Forestry!)
And sometimes mama and baby may ride without a seatbelt (No scrutiny please - this was to pull out of a parking spot)

Lesson #531 - Check before you leave

2011-04-26T19:53:00.002-04:00

Every few months I get it together enough to go back through the oodles of iphone photos and snap and shoot photos stored away in digital land on our computer. I used to love to rush to Eckerd to go get my pictures developed right after a trip in college to the beach or to a date weekend away. I would immediately put them in their own album and forget about the trip and the picture by the time the next event had come up. Needless to say, like every other sorority girl-pre-facebook days, I have a billion photo albums of things I'll probably never care to look at with the exception to a few really good trips or really good summers.

Anyway, one thing that is constantly on my to-do list is to print photos of the boys and to put them into albums according to the year. Of course I was great the first go round but unfortunately, number two barely makes the headlines enough (because of the toddler who is into everything) to get a photo taken of him.

I digress.....today was one of those days and during the boys nap I uploaded 59 pictures since New Years to a local drug stores photo lab. Tonight I swung by the store on the way home from a take-out dinner to pick up my photos. I buzzed in, paid the tall man, and left with my pack of photos in hand. 9 times out of 10 I rummage through the pictures while on site in order to throw out any shots that didn't process correctly. Today I didn't. I was hungry and in a hurry and exhausted.

I came home and luckily ate my dinner first. We quickly put the house in some kind or order and I raced to the sun room to put the last four months of our lives in an album.

Or not.

The End.

What do you think is the moral of the story? Please choose below.

A) Never send 59 half nude poses of yourself on your couch and your barstool to a local drug store to be processed without knowing there could be a slight chance that your photos are placed in the package of a now-scarred mother of two rather than the package with your name on it.

B) Never leave said drug store without first checking to see that there are 59 pictures of your smiling babies rather than some poor Atlanta-womans' hiney and such spattered all over your pictures.

True Story.

Toddlers, plastic eggs, marshmallows, and a good Good Friday

2011-04-22T13:51:00.003-04:00

Mama here. But barely. I just took the most painful, exhausting, insane, make-me-want-to-curse-even-on-Good Friday, workout class at my gym that a body could ever endure and by endure I mean - leave alive but drooling, nauseous, dizzy, and crawling to my car. And to think I may actually go back next week?

You see, I had a baby EIGHT months ago and stopped nursing nearly THREE months ago but I still leisurely eat chocolate and monkey bread (that I just HAD to make for the boys...who know exactly what monkey bread is - not!) like I'm feeding two or more people everyday. News flash: you had a baby EIGHT months ago which is closer to a year than I like to thin which means it is well past the window where a new mom can eat whatever/whenever she wants. But since I don't see my caloric intake declining any time soon (hello Milk Chocolate mini cadbury eggs!!! and a new Publix around the corner with gazillions of samples) I decided I would actually try to get back into burning some of those calories that were so fun to eat but now so miserable to burn off.

Anywho, I am happy to be back at the gym because that means I am closer to being back to my old self again - and not over ridden with wacky hormones and other crazy sicknesses. Praise God! Really, all week, all day, everyday all I can do is repeat "thank you, God," as I start to feel more normal more and more each day. And then I sit and think how it ever felt to not feel good? I can't imagine that for so many weeks and months my body and my mind just didn't work right. What a perfect week to start feeling better, too. Easter week is my favorite week of the year. I say it every year but I always feel a newness with this week. I feel forgiven, free, and renewed - and usually the weather seems to be at it's perfect spring peak. I am excited to get to spend this weekend with all of my siblings for Easter! I never thought there would be a day where we went so long in between seeing each other but with marriages and careers that day has come. What a treat to get to see everyone this weekend! Yet another reason to be thankful......

With my new found energy this week I decided to throw together a little mini easter egg hunt for Brooks and all of his women. Literally. The boy knows how to woo the ladies - invite them over for some monkey bread and marshmallow stuffed Easter Eggs! An Easter Egg hunt with 1-2 year olds is quite humorous. You can tell the kids have no clue why their mommy's are shouting and pointing and jumping all over the yard. And the more the commotion - the more confused they seem! On precious little girlfriend of Brooks' hadn't even had a practice round and she literally ran the whole yard over taking 80% of the eggs! If Brad were around I think he would approve of Caroline for Brooks' first date to prom - confident and quick on her feet! The other girls and Brooks caught on once they realized one amazing mother had stuffed her eggs with bunny shaped marshmallows! Anyway, I didn't get a video of the chaos but it was such a delight to watch the little people figure out their love/hate of the plastic little eggs.

We're off to Good Friday Service at our church tonight. Every year this service is one of my favorites and I don't think anyone has ever left with a dry eye. Today this service I know will be all the more powerful as I am confident that this was the week that the Lord brought me out of a long fog. My heart is so full. My belly is too, thanks to the monkey bread. Enjoy this beautiful Easter weekend!
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Yet the Lord LONGS to be gracious to {me}. Therefore, he rises up to show {me} compassion. For he is a god of justice. Blessed are those who WAIT on the Lord.
Isaiah 30:18
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