Wednesday night Brad and I stayed up way too late watching the last 8 contestants on So You Think You Can Dance (SYTYCD).
Then I leaped into our bedroom into a full split. It was beautiful. I twisted my knee.
Yesterday I spent half of my wee-early morning hours (benefit of not being able to sleep) downloading music that makes me dance. You know, all of the songs from Dirty Dancing and Chris Brown's latest "Forever." You can not help but pump your arms and hop on your toes to his song.
Last night Brad and I tempted to do do something we used to do.....NOT watch tv and instead play scrabble. We had a grand time. I won. I won real bad. Confession: I had SYTYCD in the background. I just can't help it. I am addicted to dancing these days. Both in the physical and spiritual way. I know, you normally wouldn't think of dancing in any context especially if you grew up Baptist but let me carry on....you may catch a glimpse.....
And, I almost forgot... also last night, pre-Scrabble slash SYTHYD, Brad and I went on a leisurely run if you will. He ran. Amos pouted because Brad made him wear his new harness while running. I danced. I leaped over the bushes and spun onto Peachtree street my hands pumping in the air. Yep, you saw me. No shame. After about 4 minutes on our "run" I was spent and I had only danced through "Forever" one time. Needless to say, I enjoyed the run with my boys but in my head I was just dancing down the street. I was letting my mind dream and desire and twirl without stopping it to pull it back to reality. Don't misunderstand...it's not that reality is something I am trying to escape but my normal conscious state doesn't give me too much room to fall or messup. This is certainly an exhausting way to live! Hence my need to let my mind dance and leap and fall and bounce and spin shamelessly and without restriction.
Well, it's Friday and after getting some work done this morning and making some moves on the "I NEED A NEW JOB" front I decided that I would let Friday dance all over me. "Friday, have your way with me," I said this morning, and she has! A dear friend and I sat for several hours this morning as I think God just danced about us. We talked of our Identities.....or the one's we have claimed for so many years.... and of the valley's we both seem to be feeling in this journey called life. We sipped yummy coffee and we didn't look at the time. We thanked Our Creator for even this time where He seems to be mute as it relates to our careers and our passions. She read me a poem of T.S. Elliot's. I have to find it to paste it here for you. It was the perfect reminder that God is dancing over us, celebrating and rejoicing even as we are being refined and still.
After the perfect time with my friend I went off to the gym for a workout of sorts. It included me, my ipod, my new dancing songs and a mirror. Use your imagination but just know it ended with me.....feeling fully free.....fully alive.....fully loved...and fully energized and pooped. There is just something about dancing for me that truly strips away my inhibitions (this may not be a good thing) and strips away the walls that seem to guard my ego and my pride. As I have always said in these blogs....when I am dancing throughout the house during the day - I know God is alive in me and I know it is going to be a good day!
Some of my soul searching lately has allowed me to go back and write some stories of things that I did in my childhood. Many of the stories tell of my entrepreneurial spirit....always selling something whether it is a "By-Order-Only-Puffy-Painted-sweatshirt" or a week at kids camp in my basement. In my Tampa days my neighbor Allison and I would put on shows in our front yard to the entire Dirty Dancing soundtrack. Our poor parents! We would charge $2 for neighbors to come see our show. It consisted mostly of strip teasing and a few leaps.....of course our Innocense didn't know at the time that this is what we were doing....and charging for it! Allison and I always lead the crew while the other neighborhood kids and our siblings followed behind us. Remember, I have never claim to be attention starved. So, I was 7 and I always had the finale where I started in my bathing suit and a tutu (but some how I always lost the tutu mid dance) and I would dance with really no set routine until my tape player ran out of batteries. Poor neighbors! Thinking back I can't imagine the torture that my parents and their friends had to endure every other weekend but I am grateful they let me do my thing. As you can tell, I love to re-imagine this story in my recent years. I think there is a ton of truth to looking to your early years for things that inspire you.
It's funny because it seems I have been through countless personality tests in my corporate years and often an exercise will ask what it is that I wanted to be as a child. I wanted to dance in the Walt Disney world parades...that's all. Ask my mom. Anyway, I never really gave that answer in the corporate world because it seemed a little silly. But now, at the inquisitive and reflective age of 27 I think there is some truth to my child hood dreams. Dancing.... even the not-so-good dancing that I do makes me the most happy. God, I hope you see me dancing around the house and around my favorite Brookhaven places today and I hope that You are pleased. More so, I hope you feel how my heart dances when I think of You and all that You are to me. I adore You. Thank You for giving me a reason to dance this week. Thank you for allowing me to feel joy and energy even in this valley. Thank you for dancing over me today.
Happy Friday!
P.S. - I am in love with Amos dog! He thinks I am a little crazy when I kick ball chain my way into the kitchen to get his water but really, I think he feels my happiness and is happy too. I love Mr Amos, "The famous dog!"
Friday, July 25, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
My kind of morning
I probably shouldn't be so honest on this thing this morning. The theme of my next 10 days is "Betsy needs a new job and she needs to find it NOW. " But today, or at least just this morning, I am not letting this week's motto control me. I won't bore you with the nitty gritty of how I actually arrived at the place where this "theme" became appropriate. Let's just say that God is doing something and for one of the first times that I can remember - I haven't a clue what it is. Not a hint. So, for just this morning I decided not to pinch myself and be reminded of the reality that is lurking all around me. Instead I am reading. Instead I am eating Lucky Charms and picking out the marshmallows like I did when I was in middle school (I always blamed it on my brothers though.) Instead I am not turning on my email (yet) and I am not brainstorming the "next thing."
I ordered a book last week that I have been so anxious about since I hit the PLACE ORDER button. You see, for some reason this season of life and by that I don't mean this "married" season of life or this yet again "unemployed" season of life. I just mean this place where I seem to have been for quite some time and it was not derived from any certain happening or event but rather a place mentally and spiritually where I just seem to be watching. Or maybe trying to watch but still wandering how what I am watching has to do with me. It's like I am being steered but I don't even know it and for those of you that know me well - this rarely happens. Well, this "place" has afforded me little time or desire to read. Until last week. Maybe it is just a healthy form of escape? Anyway you have it - I literally have been stalking 1-800-FEDEX until my little brown package arrived yesterday. I even paid the extra dollars (which is not the wisest choice given my employment status) to get my book a few days early. It's not that the particular title of the book has me all giddy...it does, but really it is just the state of mind that reading or writing or listening to Motown music does to me. It does the same thing to you I am sure. It momentarily allows me to be in a still, rich place. Rich with imagination and dreams and lacking any threat of reality. A place of only colorfully shaped marshmallows and no toasted oats.
Brad took Amos to the salon for the day so I am here. Alone. And fully quiet for the first time in a long time. And though every 6th minute the ugly guy on my shoulder starts telling me that the clock is ticking and that I am missing out if I am not thinking, stirring, contacting, engaging, perfecting, emailing or submitting....I continue to ignore his jabs and just turn the pages to my new book. In silence. In splendor. And though I am not sure where God is leading I am just thrilled that He is leading. I haven't a clue where I would turn this ship right now if it were only up to me. I am aware of the strengths that God has put inside of me. I know that I am part of a story and therefore, He will use me. I just can't see where and when and how. For now, I am okay with that. I ran into an old acquaintance last week after a good workout. It has been several years since I had seen her. I am not sure of her belief system and that doesn't matter anyway. She sensed my frustration over my search for my sweet spot. She told me to pray when I got in the car and then continuously for the passion and desire for something specific. Ironically, I had began asking for that a week prior but what a perfect reminder. It is true. God gives me the desires of my heart. Not meaning He gives me the things that I desire but He gives me desires for things. What a relief! I can not seem to stir up any desire out of my own might but yet I am confident that in His time - God will place big heavy lofty dreams on my heart that I just can't shake. I can't wait to be in that place where I lie awake just waiting for the morning so I can straddle my desires and follow them. I can't wait shed tears over the triumphs and challenges that come with putting my heart to something.
I have been reading in 2 Corinthians for quite some time now. Often with intensity but little excitement and sometimes out of habit. This week the words have really come alive to me and not because they are well known. In the 4th chapter it says "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal." Paul reminds me that these troubles (which I feel silly even calling them troubles) are LIGHT and MOMENTARY. Of course it is human nature to evaluate through the lens of what we see and what we know. But there is so much more. These "feelings" (not troubles) are ultimately small and inconsequential but in God's economy they are still ACHIEVING for Him. I can't believe that anything that I am a part of right now is ACHIEVING anything but yet God doesn't work that way. He uses everything for His good. Even little things. And, the 2nd part....how it encourages me. I want to fix my eyes. I want to focus my eyes and not let them move. I want them to be still and not distracted. I want to fix them on the things around me that are unseen yet they are felt. The admiration I have for my brother and for his fight for faith. The joy I have when I watch Brad interact with my dad. The peace I have when I sit with my mom at the pool and just soak in her presence. The excitement I feel when I anticipate a deep conversation with a dear friend. The comfort that I feel knowing that God is showing Himself to so many through the death of my friend Megan. The certainty that comes when God closes one door knowing that He is preparing to open another. Those are the unseen - eternal things. Those are the things that I want my eyes to be so focused on.
So what a better way to spend this morning than to praise God for this unknown place.
I ordered a book last week that I have been so anxious about since I hit the PLACE ORDER button. You see, for some reason this season of life and by that I don't mean this "married" season of life or this yet again "unemployed" season of life. I just mean this place where I seem to have been for quite some time and it was not derived from any certain happening or event but rather a place mentally and spiritually where I just seem to be watching. Or maybe trying to watch but still wandering how what I am watching has to do with me. It's like I am being steered but I don't even know it and for those of you that know me well - this rarely happens. Well, this "place" has afforded me little time or desire to read. Until last week. Maybe it is just a healthy form of escape? Anyway you have it - I literally have been stalking 1-800-FEDEX until my little brown package arrived yesterday. I even paid the extra dollars (which is not the wisest choice given my employment status) to get my book a few days early. It's not that the particular title of the book has me all giddy...it does, but really it is just the state of mind that reading or writing or listening to Motown music does to me. It does the same thing to you I am sure. It momentarily allows me to be in a still, rich place. Rich with imagination and dreams and lacking any threat of reality. A place of only colorfully shaped marshmallows and no toasted oats.
Brad took Amos to the salon for the day so I am here. Alone. And fully quiet for the first time in a long time. And though every 6th minute the ugly guy on my shoulder starts telling me that the clock is ticking and that I am missing out if I am not thinking, stirring, contacting, engaging, perfecting, emailing or submitting....I continue to ignore his jabs and just turn the pages to my new book. In silence. In splendor. And though I am not sure where God is leading I am just thrilled that He is leading. I haven't a clue where I would turn this ship right now if it were only up to me. I am aware of the strengths that God has put inside of me. I know that I am part of a story and therefore, He will use me. I just can't see where and when and how. For now, I am okay with that. I ran into an old acquaintance last week after a good workout. It has been several years since I had seen her. I am not sure of her belief system and that doesn't matter anyway. She sensed my frustration over my search for my sweet spot. She told me to pray when I got in the car and then continuously for the passion and desire for something specific. Ironically, I had began asking for that a week prior but what a perfect reminder. It is true. God gives me the desires of my heart. Not meaning He gives me the things that I desire but He gives me desires for things. What a relief! I can not seem to stir up any desire out of my own might but yet I am confident that in His time - God will place big heavy lofty dreams on my heart that I just can't shake. I can't wait to be in that place where I lie awake just waiting for the morning so I can straddle my desires and follow them. I can't wait shed tears over the triumphs and challenges that come with putting my heart to something.
I have been reading in 2 Corinthians for quite some time now. Often with intensity but little excitement and sometimes out of habit. This week the words have really come alive to me and not because they are well known. In the 4th chapter it says "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal." Paul reminds me that these troubles (which I feel silly even calling them troubles) are LIGHT and MOMENTARY. Of course it is human nature to evaluate through the lens of what we see and what we know. But there is so much more. These "feelings" (not troubles) are ultimately small and inconsequential but in God's economy they are still ACHIEVING for Him. I can't believe that anything that I am a part of right now is ACHIEVING anything but yet God doesn't work that way. He uses everything for His good. Even little things. And, the 2nd part....how it encourages me. I want to fix my eyes. I want to focus my eyes and not let them move. I want them to be still and not distracted. I want to fix them on the things around me that are unseen yet they are felt. The admiration I have for my brother and for his fight for faith. The joy I have when I watch Brad interact with my dad. The peace I have when I sit with my mom at the pool and just soak in her presence. The excitement I feel when I anticipate a deep conversation with a dear friend. The comfort that I feel knowing that God is showing Himself to so many through the death of my friend Megan. The certainty that comes when God closes one door knowing that He is preparing to open another. Those are the unseen - eternal things. Those are the things that I want my eyes to be so focused on.
So what a better way to spend this morning than to praise God for this unknown place.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Lonely
My whole fam sans the Doctor is in Europe this week. I miss talking to my mama and texting with sweet Mary because that is what she does. They are eating gelato and yummy pasta and seeing amazing sites and eachother and I am here, home, alone, with a sleeping dog. Come home soon, family!!!! Why is it that a ring on my finger means I don't get invited? Brad and I would have been great traveling partners. Anyway, I miss my family tremendously and have since confirmed that I probably wouldn't do well living too far away. I atleast need to have unlimited phone access for my own sanity. Here is my family. Tear tear.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
We love summer thunderstorms
I have always been quite a fan of the rain. In highschool I liked to sit on the back screened porch in the rocking swing and listen to the rain. Then, I'd like to walk outside after it subsided to smell everything. Everything after a quick hard rain smells fresh and inviting. Then in college I had several spots that the rain and I most liked to meet. One being upper tentalow 7 at Camp Greystone. After a filling lunch we would head to the mailroom to pick up any surprises in our mail box. I received a letter a day that summer. I love letters. Once Fran, my co-counselor and now dear friend, and I passed out the mail for the day we took our spot atop our bed/closet for the summer (everything you could imagine was stored underneath) and we were greeted by the clapping sound on the tin roof. I don't know how and I don't question it but every day that summer it started to rain as soon as I lay my head down. Naps just haven't been the same since. The next summer the rain turned to thunder and lightning as "The Bohemians" sat on our 2nd floor porch facing the battery in Charleston. Granted, we were 2 miles from the water but we still got to see some of the best storms you could imagine. There are more I am sure but these are the most memorable. The ones I can still feel and smell.
And lately that smell is all too familiar. Last week as Brad and I were visiting Charleston for our first vacation since the honeymoon we shared two of my most favorite storms. The first was one of those that starts brewing right after lunch. It builds fury over the hot afternoon hours and every time you step outside you feel that it is about to let loose. This one held off until my favorite hour of the day - 5pm. I sat with the girls in the living room listening to the thunder and watching the encroaching darkness. Brad was on the golf course during this one but he tells me it was invigorating all the same. Then on our 3 hours too long ride home we spent half of the trip driving half the speed limit to make it through the storms that seemed to be following us all the way home. But once we reached Atlanta after 9m you would not imagine the color of the freshly showered sky! Brad and I did something we hadn't done in along time and it felt good. We turned off the radio and just rode quietly. Then we prayed out loud. Trust me, as weird this may seem you would have done the same thing. You couldn't help but thank someone up there after this particular storm and the sunset that transpired.
Then this week we took the famous dog to Chastain Park. As soon as we tell Amos that he gets to go to the "park" (you have to say it in a high pitched voice) his tail starts flying back and forth ferociously. He LOVES the "park." We had a cozy little walk, ran into an old friend, enjoyed the conversation. We walked ourselves as far away from the car as we could possibly get when the thunder began to roar. We sped up. Then the rain began to fall. It pounded on my back and drenched my shoes. It was perfect! Amos was certainly confused as he loves water but hadn't experienced it pouring from the sky relentlessly. We thought to speed up as the lightning was coming closer but I think the excitement took over both of us and decided just to walk back....taking our time...enjoying the smell of the rain that had been building the last few hours. What a reminder of my lack of control. What a refreshing feeling to feel and smell the bigness of our Creator just showering on us...literally.
The forecast doesn't even have to call for a thunderstorm anymore. It is pretty typical that on an Atlanta-warm summer day the clouds will start to darken about 3:30 and by 6:30 the flood gates will open. They never last too long but long enough to be reminded of their origination and long enough to feel good about the day! How refreshing!
Bring on the storms today! I can't wait for the afternoon.
And lately that smell is all too familiar. Last week as Brad and I were visiting Charleston for our first vacation since the honeymoon we shared two of my most favorite storms. The first was one of those that starts brewing right after lunch. It builds fury over the hot afternoon hours and every time you step outside you feel that it is about to let loose. This one held off until my favorite hour of the day - 5pm. I sat with the girls in the living room listening to the thunder and watching the encroaching darkness. Brad was on the golf course during this one but he tells me it was invigorating all the same. Then on our 3 hours too long ride home we spent half of the trip driving half the speed limit to make it through the storms that seemed to be following us all the way home. But once we reached Atlanta after 9m you would not imagine the color of the freshly showered sky! Brad and I did something we hadn't done in along time and it felt good. We turned off the radio and just rode quietly. Then we prayed out loud. Trust me, as weird this may seem you would have done the same thing. You couldn't help but thank someone up there after this particular storm and the sunset that transpired.
Then this week we took the famous dog to Chastain Park. As soon as we tell Amos that he gets to go to the "park" (you have to say it in a high pitched voice) his tail starts flying back and forth ferociously. He LOVES the "park." We had a cozy little walk, ran into an old friend, enjoyed the conversation. We walked ourselves as far away from the car as we could possibly get when the thunder began to roar. We sped up. Then the rain began to fall. It pounded on my back and drenched my shoes. It was perfect! Amos was certainly confused as he loves water but hadn't experienced it pouring from the sky relentlessly. We thought to speed up as the lightning was coming closer but I think the excitement took over both of us and decided just to walk back....taking our time...enjoying the smell of the rain that had been building the last few hours. What a reminder of my lack of control. What a refreshing feeling to feel and smell the bigness of our Creator just showering on us...literally.
The forecast doesn't even have to call for a thunderstorm anymore. It is pretty typical that on an Atlanta-warm summer day the clouds will start to darken about 3:30 and by 6:30 the flood gates will open. They never last too long but long enough to be reminded of their origination and long enough to feel good about the day! How refreshing!
Bring on the storms today! I can't wait for the afternoon.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
P.S.
Amos really really misses his best friend Briscoe. He is crying and sad and won't talk to us or even look at us. Briscoe come to see Amos! Revive my dog.
Ultimately, it's our decision
I can't resist posting what I am about to post (below) today. I saw one of those movies this weekend that always does it to me. I try to act unaffected and cool around Brad. As if I can watch 120 minutes of gory violence and dirty words but I just can't. I never could and I guess I never will. And finally maybe I am okay to admit that. My heart has been bought at a high price and I pray daily that it would be protected from the darkness in the world. My heart has the ability to see good in most things and for that reason my heart is what brings me life but it is also what can truly let me down when it is surprised by all the yucky stuff that this world does have to offer. So I come away from a movie like "Wanted" and all I can see is hurting and sickness and death all around me. I couldn't sleep last night. I was in the middle of those recurring nightmares where all of the worst stuff you have heard or seen lately plays out. And this is why I can't go to movies. Yes, I fall asleep on Brad's shoulder, too, but namely it is because my heart is so affected. It literally hurts afterwards. I sat on the couch with Brad after just thinking up every terrible thing that might happen this week. Brad offered to leave after 10 minutes because he knows me better than I know myself. He knows my heart is fragile. I thought I could handle. I couldn't. There was a 5 year old boy in the theatre and that is what kills me. Had Brad not made me walk right out I would have asked the father why he thought his little son should see that. I would have offered to babysit next time.
Anyway, I wake up today after a sleepless night ready to expose my eyes and ears to beautiful things to sort of wash out the guns, blood, and profanity. After spending some time journaling I read my email and my first email update was from Megan's mom.
I feel so selfish to even talk about the impact that her updates have made on me personally. Here, her daughter is slowly leaving this world day by day and somehow amid the sorrow I feel for her and her family and dear friends, my heart is able to be restored. It is able to see and feel beauty again. Every single time.
Their family is truly right in the center of what most would say is a tragedy and I know for a long time it may look that way to many but I can not fathom the redemption that has come to so many just by being exposed to this one family's perspective. It's like God is making this story beautiful and perfect right before our very eyes. Today's entry from Megan's mom was bold. But just like the rest of the world is bold....bold with violence....bold with criticism....bold with greed....I am so thankful that someone chooses to be this bold with the most liberating and redeeming truth that is out there. There is no other single decision in this world that will bring you more joy, more freedom, more wealth, more fame, more peace, and more beauty than this.
47 June 30, 2008 at 10:25 PM EDT
June 30, 2008
A year ago yesterday Mike and I took Megan to Emory to meet with her doctor and hear the findings of all the testing that was done. And they did everything known possible – as he said “it was as though a war team hit her”. Megan looked beautiful that day, wearing a brown top and brown and pink skirt and new brown flats. She was invited to go with an assistant while our doctor gave us the confirmed findings that none of us wanted to hear. The diagnosis of CJD was correct except for her age and that just did not make sense. It would be two months later when more blood would be sent to Cleveland confirming that it was in fact, a particular, extremely rare variant that did affect younger people – one in 150 billion. Jim gave us the facts in a soft, matter of fact way that said, “Don’t interrupt - just let me get this out before I fall on the floor and cry.” Neither Mike nor I cried which I think a little odd. We asked stupid questions and went through the motions of pretending alertness when all alarms were shattering our hearts and piercing our brains with information too painful to take in. So we left and went to Murphy’s , Megan’s favorite restaurant, and tried to pretend normal.
Today, one year later, Megan still looks beautiful, just sleepy. Her brown eyes seem to be looking at something beyond our walls. She has slipped away but oh, so gradually and refined and gentle. I can confidently say that we are grateful for a year with Megan and wonder at God’s plan.
Much of my wondering is done when I walk and today my power walk with Bodey, our black lab, turned into a Power walk with God. Even though it was short, I returned home fresh and strong, feeling like I needed to say a few specific things to honor God before my weekly care pages come to an end. You see, a friend reminded me that she is always hearing of new people reading Megan’s Update. What started as a convenient way to tell family and friends about Megan has turned into something that seems to have a mind of its own. I said “But there is not much new news about Megan and what I write about is not a new story. It is an old, familiar story of pain and suffering with a theme weaving through our lives in miraculous ways, always returning to the Cross of Christ”. And as so many wait and watch for Megan to leave this life, I think she would want all who are watching her to know in their own heart and mind without a shadow of doubt that they too have received the gift of salvation and have a place in Heaven reserved with their name on it. It is often called “the invitation”.
I remember something called The Four Spiritual Laws that I learned growing up. Just as there are physical laws that govern the world, there are spiritual laws that govern our relationship with God. I am confident Megan understood and abided by these principles. I will just list them and you can find the references – many are so familiar.
Law 1 – God loves us and offers a wonderful plan for our life. John 3:16, John 10:10
Law 2 – Man is sinful and separate even though we were originally created to be in a loving relationship with God. Romans 3:23, Romans 6:23
Law 3 – Jesus Christ is God’s provision for man’s sin. He died, rose, and is the only way to God. Romans 5:8, 1 Corinthians 15:3-5, John 14:6
Law 4 – We must individually receive Christ as Lord of our lives – it is not by lottery or committee. It is done by an act of the heart’s will to trust in a prayer of faith. John 1:12, Ephesians 2:8-9, John 3:1-8, Revelation 3:20
Interestingly, Megan’s last journal entry was based on the first law – trusting God for his plan because it was good. And I believe that if she were to pray today it would be a prayer that many would come to know for themselves her Lord and Savior and that He has a plan and it is always good.
She would have wanted you to know the source of her joy. And then it would be your decision.
Anyway, I wake up today after a sleepless night ready to expose my eyes and ears to beautiful things to sort of wash out the guns, blood, and profanity. After spending some time journaling I read my email and my first email update was from Megan's mom.
I feel so selfish to even talk about the impact that her updates have made on me personally. Here, her daughter is slowly leaving this world day by day and somehow amid the sorrow I feel for her and her family and dear friends, my heart is able to be restored. It is able to see and feel beauty again. Every single time.
Their family is truly right in the center of what most would say is a tragedy and I know for a long time it may look that way to many but I can not fathom the redemption that has come to so many just by being exposed to this one family's perspective. It's like God is making this story beautiful and perfect right before our very eyes. Today's entry from Megan's mom was bold. But just like the rest of the world is bold....bold with violence....bold with criticism....bold with greed....I am so thankful that someone chooses to be this bold with the most liberating and redeeming truth that is out there. There is no other single decision in this world that will bring you more joy, more freedom, more wealth, more fame, more peace, and more beauty than this.
47 June 30, 2008 at 10:25 PM EDT
June 30, 2008
A year ago yesterday Mike and I took Megan to Emory to meet with her doctor and hear the findings of all the testing that was done. And they did everything known possible – as he said “it was as though a war team hit her”. Megan looked beautiful that day, wearing a brown top and brown and pink skirt and new brown flats. She was invited to go with an assistant while our doctor gave us the confirmed findings that none of us wanted to hear. The diagnosis of CJD was correct except for her age and that just did not make sense. It would be two months later when more blood would be sent to Cleveland confirming that it was in fact, a particular, extremely rare variant that did affect younger people – one in 150 billion. Jim gave us the facts in a soft, matter of fact way that said, “Don’t interrupt - just let me get this out before I fall on the floor and cry.” Neither Mike nor I cried which I think a little odd. We asked stupid questions and went through the motions of pretending alertness when all alarms were shattering our hearts and piercing our brains with information too painful to take in. So we left and went to Murphy’s , Megan’s favorite restaurant, and tried to pretend normal.
Today, one year later, Megan still looks beautiful, just sleepy. Her brown eyes seem to be looking at something beyond our walls. She has slipped away but oh, so gradually and refined and gentle. I can confidently say that we are grateful for a year with Megan and wonder at God’s plan.
Much of my wondering is done when I walk and today my power walk with Bodey, our black lab, turned into a Power walk with God. Even though it was short, I returned home fresh and strong, feeling like I needed to say a few specific things to honor God before my weekly care pages come to an end. You see, a friend reminded me that she is always hearing of new people reading Megan’s Update. What started as a convenient way to tell family and friends about Megan has turned into something that seems to have a mind of its own. I said “But there is not much new news about Megan and what I write about is not a new story. It is an old, familiar story of pain and suffering with a theme weaving through our lives in miraculous ways, always returning to the Cross of Christ”. And as so many wait and watch for Megan to leave this life, I think she would want all who are watching her to know in their own heart and mind without a shadow of doubt that they too have received the gift of salvation and have a place in Heaven reserved with their name on it. It is often called “the invitation”.
I remember something called The Four Spiritual Laws that I learned growing up. Just as there are physical laws that govern the world, there are spiritual laws that govern our relationship with God. I am confident Megan understood and abided by these principles. I will just list them and you can find the references – many are so familiar.
Law 1 – God loves us and offers a wonderful plan for our life. John 3:16, John 10:10
Law 2 – Man is sinful and separate even though we were originally created to be in a loving relationship with God. Romans 3:23, Romans 6:23
Law 3 – Jesus Christ is God’s provision for man’s sin. He died, rose, and is the only way to God. Romans 5:8, 1 Corinthians 15:3-5, John 14:6
Law 4 – We must individually receive Christ as Lord of our lives – it is not by lottery or committee. It is done by an act of the heart’s will to trust in a prayer of faith. John 1:12, Ephesians 2:8-9, John 3:1-8, Revelation 3:20
Interestingly, Megan’s last journal entry was based on the first law – trusting God for his plan because it was good. And I believe that if she were to pray today it would be a prayer that many would come to know for themselves her Lord and Savior and that He has a plan and it is always good.
She would have wanted you to know the source of her joy. And then it would be your decision.
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