The word alone makes me want to - don't you agree? Today I found myself on one of my memorable, solitary walks where everything starts to fit together in my head. It only happens when I least expect it but when I most need it and it almost always ends in some long overdue heavy tears on the pavement. I know I have funny thoughts thunk about me (I know thunk isn't really a word too) now in Athens, Atlanta, and on our Island called Hope.
Who's the brown haired girl that waves her arms like a chicken (to work my shoulder muscles...killing two birds with one stone)
while walking like there's a bomb glued to her backside (I like to have blisters when I'm done) that seems to have big alligator tears streaming down her face or a boisterous song on her lips (don't you agree that you always sound great blaring a song when out running with head phones on?) I am sure that is what they would all say. Fortunately, I am not phased. My best thinking and feeling usually happens on these monumental walks and afterwards I can truly remember change coming about and life seeming a little lighter.
Well, today, on the island I walked my usual (though not-so-usual since I've taken an exercise sabbatical for no apparent reason) flat route around the corner to the waters edge. I love the street along the waters edge. It's perfect, really. The homes are magnificent enough to make you dream but not overdone. They all look inviting and they certainly look like whatever goes on inside or on the lazy front porches is complete lollipops and lemonade on a sunny day! But I love the street before the waters edge more. The expansive oak trees line both sides of the street and they bend to meet each other at just the right point to where the afternoon-sun peeps through to make its presence known. This street is peaceful and though it seems like only blissful things happen there too, it's a little more quiet and reserved lemonade and Popsicle's on a slow Sunday rather than a bustling summer day. Anyway, as I was walking down my most favorite street and my second most favorite street on our island all the thoughts began to come out of me. They were busting out of my shoes and out from under my gloves and hat. My heart began to swell and all of a sudden I just wanted to sit on the lazy street with some paper and jot them all down before they ran and jumped in the water. They were the thoughts and feelings I had been missing for some time now and I was just so elated that they were back. I think you would agree but do you ever feel like your emotions around something aren't quite what you'd expect? This is probably just my personality but I am more disturbed by lack of feeling rather than negative feelings. I would rather just feel something than feel nothing especially when big things seem to be taking place.
Now that I have had a few hours to try to sort through them and make them all come together nicely with a pretty bow I can share a few. Had I had that piece of paper (or worse - the blog!) you would have quickly clicked to your next All-American family to check on their pretty happiness and most recent adventures to grandmas house. So here are a few thoughts nice and neat.
First, there is alot to be said for community. At times I hate this word because I think it is often overused especially in the Christian circles I tend to find myself. But whether you call it community or relationships or friends or whatever - I think we were all made in the image of God for just that....community (relationships). Luckily, just because we moved 278 miles away we didn't lose our relationships but you would probably agree - it often feels like we are all alone. I have always thought of myself as a free bird - able to be lifted and plopped down anywhere to bloom. But I've also thought of myself as an athlete and that's obviously a wrong assumption. I am having a hard time blooming here. I don't think this is news to anyone. I am giving it my best shot - well, the best that I've got right now - but this circumstance is just one of those that has truly tested my faith and character. And goodness, on my marathon walk today I realized for certain that both have really been absent in this season. If character is what you do when no one is looking than you would really be worried. Brooks and I often don't move off the living room floor until 2:30 on any given weekday. We watch HGTV and long for creativity and we play with toys and long to be back home where everything is easier and there are more friends to play with our toys. I would like to tell you that I am putting together scrapbooks and writing letters and thank you notes and most importantly reading How to Be an Amazing/Generous/Selfless/Awesome Person type books but as helpless as I may be right now - that is one thing I am not; a liar. Unfortunately, I've spent way too much time wondering what in the world God was doing by bringing us here? Fortunately, I do know the answer to that question even if I spend much of my day looking for a better answer. I know that God lead us here for a reason. His reason may not have anything even to do with us. It may have to do with someone at Brad's work or a new mother around the corner or even less pretty - a stranger (gasp) but I do know He brought us here to fulfill a purpose and because of that truth I should act as though I were here on purpose and not by some large mistake. Nonetheless, I miss our Atlanta community. I miss being known. I miss the accountability that could come over a cup of coffee.
Lord, I do pray if you keep us here that we will continue to find that similar community here. More so, help us to trust You whether or not we can see what you are up to.
And then there is this other not so pretty thought about selfishness. What a horrid word? We have all come across someone (or may even live with someone (not me...whew!)) who just owns the word selfish. Selfishness is one of those things you can't spot in the mirror though. Today as the moss hung from the trees and the wind turned my nose red I really had this terrible "aha" moment about my yucky selfishness in this season of life. Yesterday I read a d
instant friends blog whom I haven't caught up with lately. She and her friends had arranged a yard sale where they gave away all of the items to people in need.
Live simply so others can simply live, they said. Maybe on any other given day the
video and post wouldn't have had so much of an effect but luckily yesterday it did. Also, this weekend I learned of a friends' sister's sudden passing. She was 18 and had a huge heart for the Lord. Why am I talking about such sad things on this blog that is supposed to be about our family updates? Because as I hope you already know and remember everyday - every single day matters. If we truly see each day as a gift from the Lord than how can I squander anymore days thinking about myself and my contentment here in Savannah? There is so much more at stake and from what I have learned from past seasons - each day is so much more meaningful when you don't sit around thinking about yourself. I am so grateful my heart was reawakened yesterday to the bigger story....to God's huge story for HIs kingdom on this earth. I am just grateful that I get to play a tiny part in that story but I know I can't truly be in His story if I am so concerned about my next chapter.
Lastly, I have never been one for resolutions. I wish I was that kind of girl. I've read all the books on how setting goals and writing them down actually almost guarantees that you'll actually meet them. My thinking has just always been a little too short term for long term goals. Needless to say, yesterday on my powerful power walk I decided that change had to happen and it had to start right away. Life is all about perspective and luckily I get to choose my perspective whether or not I get to choose the circumstances. I was listening to a
Mat Kearney song on my last stretch towards the house and the sun had just started to dip behind the massive oak trees. Once again, I heard the Lord speak to my heart. The words of the song "Renaissance" say
I can be the wall when you fall down
Find me on the rocks when you break down
I heard it in the song when you call out
But I got to say now it's got to changeYesterday I found You on the road when I was looking for freedom from my lonelliness. I found You in the trees when I was searching for answers. And I found You in the glare of the sun on the water when I just wanted to find purpose. And luckily, I was convinced that things have to change and luckily, too, I can resolve to do that right away. I know my Heavenly Father, the Ultimate Healer has been longing for me to come around.
Let the heart of those who seek the LORD be glad.
Seek the LORD and His strength; Seek His face continually.
