My heart is so full just 12 hours after I felt the most broken I may have ever felt. Last night seemed worse than any of the past 30 for some reason. I think I had put alot of hope into a doctors appointment that I went to yesterday and when, in the eerily peaceful hours of the night I was still eyes wide open - I sort of lost my hope. For one of the first times that I can remember I pleaded with God to show me His presence in the midst of this place. The very next sentence I asked for His mercy today when I knew I would be utterly exhausted but still have the four precious eyes below that would look to me for their joy. I don't even recall the quietness of the night as I sit here now, full, because today He has shown me his mercy.
For what can either be called a blessing or a scary-phenomenon I have yet to really really feel the heaviness that my body usually feels after a terrible night of no sleep. We actually ventured to the gym this morning because I was feeling so good. Small mercy on any other day but a big one today.
Then after we stayed out way passed nap time because we were all enjoying the weather and sunshine today both boys surprisginly went down for a late nap. On a normal day, I would be swaying with one baby and acting as a bumper pad to the other one who would be throwing his head against the wall. Small mercy on any other day but a big one today.
And then, as if I couldn't feel any more "seen" by God I put my pandora radio on the Need To Breathe station and I can't tell you how perfectly refreshing each song has been to my tired soul. Sheryl Crow sings a song that I love, especially over a glass of wine by the fire. Today an artist I had never heard of recovered the song, I shall Believe. His name is Matt Brouwer I think and I know nothing of him but he was another instrument to my peaceful heart today. For some reason these words spoke to every ounce of me like they never had before.
Come to me now
And lay Your hands over me
Will You find me tonight
Say it will be alright
And I will believe
Broken in two
I know You're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe
That not everything Is gonna be
The way you think it ought to be
It seems like everytime I try and make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
Open the door
And show me Your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like You
And You hold the key
Never again will I turn away from You
I'm so heavy tonight
But Your love is alright
And I do believe
I can now not only say but prove that I do believe that God has this in His hand. I am so thankful for the usually small glimpses of grace that today have laid the foundation of my faith.
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