Certain

Contrary to our norm, we are actually kind of enjoying this rained out new years day underneath our own roof and between our own four walls...as small as they sometimes feel.....not that we don't enjoy being in the house but we are usually on the go and rarely home for a whole day. I stayed up late last night. Actually that is quite an understatement kind of like "having two babies under one roof is a challenge" is quite the understatement. I actually didn't fall asleep until when I used to get up to go work out before work and then 58 minutes later a little boy wanted my arms to hold him. But during my awake hours last night I conjured up some big thoughts for the new year. I wrote them down in the journal that seems to now take alot longer to get to the last page than it used to and I sat quietly for the first time in a long while. Like, my heart was quiet and still, too. I didn't fall asleep thinking that today would start off with a parade and end with a cake but I did kind of think I'd feel a little different....a little more energized and peppy after my mid-night power session on the couch alone last night. But then we woke up to a downpour and while the weather shouldn't interfere with any new years resolutions - I guess I had pictured the windows open and the sun shining through in order to kick start the new start. Fortunately, the rain allowed us to stay in our pajamas until well past lunch and even snack time and the routine chores of any other normal non-new years day allowed Brad and I again to appreciate having a companion to make the most out of diapers, bottles, and temper tantrums.

So Brad and I have decided that the New Year for us would start tomorrow - and a half. Meaning, I don't see us jumping into the morning with a whole new game plan but hopefully by mid-day we'll be geared up for our new intentions, our new look (Brad is saying bye-bye to the 3 month old beard), and our new attitude. One thing is for certain for me this year. I want to be certain.

It seems like I have spent much of my first 3 decades questioning my decisions, questioning the way God made me, and sadly in this season, sometimes even questioning the story He has written for me. In this new year and this new decade (as 30 is right around the corner) I want to be certain that I am sure of myself in every way that might look. I want to be confident in the way we raise these two children- not looking to our family or friends or society to dictate how I might mother them. Last night I ready Psalm 86. I would write it out for you but I think it'd do more to look it up. The psalm was so comforting to me. I read it over and over and over and each time a different phrase lingered in my mind. I pray as the psalmist wrote that I have an "undivided heart" this year. That is where my parenting 101 should come from - the psalms, the new testament....a book full of so much wisdom that so often gets overshadowed by the leading Pediatrician or child psychologist of the day. I do believe God made me to be a certain kind of mother to these two little men (right now just a tired mother) and even when at times I feel that deep nudging feeling that I know what is best - I often allow my opinion to be swayed. I don't want to sway. In addition, I want to be certain of my allegiances. It's been something that has always followed me. You see, I love to say yes to you and to everyone else. I love to be everything to everyone and this Christmas we learned the hard way - that we have to take care of our family of 4 before anything else. Our family is our ministry right now. As much as I want to organize the neighborhood supper clubs or train for something grand like a marathon- I am certain of this - that that is not where God has me today. And lastly, I want to act as though I am certain that God has written my story. As easily as I say that so often on this blog, my actions don't always prove that I really believe this refreshing little truth. What a freeing way to live to just accept that God has me as a mom and a wife in a house inside the perimeter and nowhere else....not at a corporate job, not in a big house in the burbs.....and not wondering if I might have children one day. Crazy I know.....I have atleast a moment a day where I literally think, Is this my life? Is this really me? I don't think that because I don't like it - I just don't remember how I got here! I can so easily remember lying awake at night not because my hormones were having a party but because I wondered if God really had someone to be my forever co-pilot?

Anyway, here are a few things that I am certain of this new year.

1) I want to be more grateful. Period.
2) I want to be more graceful towards Brad, the boys, and especially myself.
3) I want to be more prayerful. This sounds all light and airy but there is so much substance to this statement. My hope is that this is the year that I remember for the rest of my life as the year I spent on my knees taking everything...I mean everything to God who knows my best before I can even conceive it.

I can tell you I am already on top of number one - I am soooo grateful for a new year and a fresh start and a renewed spirit and hopefully some sleep (and no more pregnancies for awhile!)