I know You gave the world your only son for us
To know Your name and live within the Savior's love
And you took my place
Knowing He'd be crucified
Cause You love, you love
A people undeserving.
-To know Your name, Hillsong United
This is how I feel. Undeserving.
Even though the lyrics above are pretty intense my feelings of gratitude range from pretty severe to pretty shallow. Right now - I am grateful that the most expensive gas station in Atlanta saved a few gallons of gas for me this morning. I happily paid the $4.39 that I usually drive by without looking on the way to the $3.79 a gallon gas station in the next zip code. It makes sense to use a gallon to save a few bucks, right?? No. It doesn't make sense but it surely makes me feel like I beat the system. Not today though. On the way home from the early a.m. workout I pulled right up to that famous Buckhead gas station that usually rapes it's Buckhead Betty's with a smile...over gas I mean. And though Brad and I try not to fill up there when we can avoid it we do walk there daily to get my dose of gatorade or diet sprite marked a good 30% above any grocery store drink. That makes sense too.
I am grateful for the Last Resort Grill in Athens and I feel undeserving to have partaken in such an amazing 3 course dinner on Saturday as my Bulldawgs were being humiliated....all for a whopping 33 dollars. Not only do I feel undeserving, I feel guilty. Brad and I couldn't get 3 beers plus tip in Atlanta for that price. We even took two pieces of Cecilia Villaveces cake home to savor over the weekend. I am gratfeul that the husband didn't get upset that I ate the white fluffy icing off the entire piece of coconut cake that I didn't deserve. Unfortunately, I think he expected it.
I don't deserve to have someone truly accept me just the way I am...with no revisions. He accepts my attempt to control things that I obviously have no business controlling. He listens to every phone call of tears or weariness nearly every single work day. And somehow he never seems to get tired of me calling. He already knows my imperfections but he doesn't hold them against me. I certainly don't deserve this type of grace. This tangible grace that tastes and feels so good. And this is the big one....he listens to every one of my daily ailments and doesn't downplay them. For someone who is rarely sick and never broken a bone or spent a day in a hospital - I have more aches and pains in places I never knew could hurt. Sometimes I'll even let him know about my hangnail that is driving me insane throughout the day as if his listening might just make it a little better. Bottom line Brad is a saint and I don't deserve an ounce of his acceptance but I guess that is the beauty of a "Covenant relationship," much like the relationship we have with a God who is present daily. We live under a covenant of unconditional acceptance despite our selfishness or worse, our self-centerdness. We are in a binding covenant through Christ's death. Yesterday morning we walked into church late during the song above. I am pretty good at feeling undeserving. It is part of my personality or upbringing or some mixed up view of reality....that I have to earn everything. And while I guess this is reality, this isn't how God works. I can't bring anything to the table. I truly have nothing to offer but yet so much to receive and there is truly nothing I can do to earn God's favor. I don't always get that everyday. Or I may get it in the morning when I wake up but by lunch I have to have cleaned the house, or gone out of my way for someone , or made huge progress to feel worthy of even enjoying the afternoon. This certainly isn't a freeing place to be. So, yesterday I just hummed those words all day long. Not only am I undeserving of so much in my life. God loves that I am undeserving and loves to give to those who finally realize they don't deserve an ounce of grace but can have every bit of it.
One thing I do deserve right now is a nap. I was awake all night and up at 5am to do insane things. Why do people excercise in the dark? I am addicted but I just don't understand why. Luckily, I am still semi-unemployed and I will enjoy a nap that I have earned.
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