This is the 5th night in a row that the little mango (though today "they" say he is the size of a large mango - 1 pound to be exact) inside won't stop dancing. During the day it comforts me to feel him jiggling. I know he is happy and nourished. It's at night when I just want to punch him! Don't call in help...I wouldn't really. More than his upper cuts and "roger-rabbit" moves are the hormones that have me stirring all night long. So tonight I didn't even attempt sleep. Amos is snoring in the corner and if I wanted to embarrass sweet sleeping Brad I'd tell you about his slight "hard breathing" habits he has picked up - but I won't embarrass him. But me - wide awake. Wondering about my brothers and what they are doing? Do they feel too young to be uncles? Does my sister know how much I love her? I didn't tell her today. Will Obama rid America of capitalism? Surely there are people that will stop this. Does Amos like the flavor of his overpriced organic food? Is it really organic? And finally - tonight I wonder if the myth about heartburn during pregnancy equalling a head of hair is true because if that is so we have a woolly mammoth on our hands!
Why in the world am I not sleeping these days? I go to bed not tired and on lucky nights I do eventually fall into weird dreams - never what feels like restful sleep - only to be awakened at 3:13am for a few hours of hair raising questions. What would it feel like to ride a rapid in a river with no raft? Seriously, that was last night's. I atleast wish I woke up with an insatiable craving because I'd be fine heading over to Publix for a fix. No cravings. No pickles and ice cream just non-stop questioning. Am I really going to be a mom? I don't even feel like a wife yet. I hate folding clothes. I don't feel like a hard worker or phenomenal employee. Today I worked four different jobs with four different incomes but I still had time for two walks with Amos and some downtime in between. I should write a book - I know......"How to make money and stay fit in a down economy." Boring. I certainly don't feel like a mother - not a bit, yet. Nor do I feel like I am able to really excel at anything right now....just average at a whole lot of things. It's hard feeling like a daughter when I am about to have a child of my own. So I feel like one confused and over-educated mall worker just looking to meet a new friend who might have a word or two of insight. I think I drive my co-workers nuts. I talk to everyone about everything every single opportunity and I always have to mention that there is a baby onboard. Maybe I am just trying it out.....like if I talk about it now it will seep into my psyche and one day I'll sleep and wake up and feel ready!
As I said.....I certainly don't feel like a mom. My mama would literally do anything for her children. Did this come natural to her? I would love to want to do anything for anybody but when it comes down to it ugly things like pride and such get in the way. Mama is a busy lady but whenever you call you'd think she was waiting for the ringer to go off and she just happened to know the right answer to any question. I mean who ever concluded that a Reece's peanut butter cup and a Coke cured every illness! I don't know those things. Brad asked me recently when a woman learns those "mom" type things when he overheard me asking mama how to bake chicken in the same coversation as how to un-stink the laundry that I stank up by forgetting about it for 3 days. I said - you just know. So, God tonight, please help me just to know that things will work out. Help me to trust that You will make me adequate and that you will expand my heart to love two men and an Amos. What if my heart won't go that big? Or is that just natural. And because this seems to lurk around every corner throughout my day - help me to know that You know and that is all that matters. You know whether there is a career you have for me that will allow me to be a mom, too. You know whether I am needed to just fully love and dote on an infant all day long. You know where we should live and if we should buy a house and how the market will do to maintain Brad's job. I am not one to worry but I sure am one to plan and in this season I do know that God is just not letting me plan. Hence the restless hours at night I am sure. Okay, go to bed. Trust God. Listen to the furry dog and the sweet husband snore and rest. This is a season of rest if I would just stop fighting it......
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