For the firs time in my life

I am speechless.

I have written a blog each day since last Thursday and I have yet to publish one of them. None of them seem right and most of them seem a little too honest and not enough filtered for my blog world. Especially following the best blog of my life posted by my husband last Thursday. Really, that is why I haven't posted. I didn't want to move the title further down the page and further away from reality. But I also don't want to fade into nothingness and die a slow blog death so I am making myself write something but I'll admit - it's the hardest it's ever been. Mostly for the sake of documentation I want to be able to adequately communicate just what our world is like right now. I haven't even taken the wrapping off either baby book, nor have I framed a picture of either of our boys in over a year so I know this is my last hope. I guess I am a little weary of writing because I know that what we are feeling right now is only temporary. I know that soon enough we will find energy, rest, and strength again but for right now - we have been really knocked down in the sand. Writing that truthful statement brings me much joy, too, though, as I know that I know that I know that that is when I am able to cling to the Lord the most - probably like you - when I am at the bottom....or close to it.

So, here's my meek attempt to make a little something of the last 10 days and the big-bad-30th birthday:

Let's just say you could have shoved a bag of marshmallows in my mouth last Thursday when I opened my home page on our computer and saw a blog post, ironically and unprecedentedly NOT written by me. I actually noticed the title but it didn't register that I hadn't written the post until about 30 minutes later after I had actually brushed my teeth. That's a surprise in itself. {Gross}. I cried on the spot and called my mama as every good girl does when their husband does a really good thing. I'm not kidding, the surprise alone was worth more than a trip to Bora Bora. I have never in my now thirty (gross} years been surprised. I even had a slight suspicion of our engagement and while it was still magical - I hated that I had a suspicion. I really didn't care if we even went anywhere - the surprise alone was truly the most wonderful gift I have ever received. Though I'd love to give you gushy details about our amazing get away the kidderoos come first and so do their ear infections. So, that's "1" for an ear infection and "0" for the "getaway" column. But....no worries - we are hoping to take our overnight getaway this weekend and I hope that we are going to our beloved Classic city an hour to the east....but we'll see...

The surprises didn't end there. On the day of my actual birth my mom and I went to enjoy a day together while Brad managed the little people. As we sat at a favorite lunch spot I looked up and saw what I had thought were two of my oldest friends (not by age), the Charleston Bohemians - Fran and Ashley - walk around the corner. I looked back down at my phone and then back up to realize the surprises were only getting better! What a thrill to have squealed like a little girl as soon as I saw their sweet faces and it clicked that this was actually real and not some crazy post-melatonin type dream. The people next to us certainly choked on their chicken salad with my explosion but I didn't care.....I had been surprised in the best kind of way....again! The birthday story could have and should have ended there but my mom and husband were not going to let this monumental birthday getaway without an adequate Betsy-kind of party. I'm talking disco ball, a fully transformed porch with heating lamps, a tv, and all and a specialty birthday concoction just for the night. My mom sure knows how to throw a party and with the help of the most hard working husband I know - I felt truly celebrated and energized for my new decade.

That energy may have only lasted a day but it did feel so good to have some time away from the little people in order to dream about my 30's. I don't believe that that is my real age but I guess it may be a year that has to grow on me. It was the first time this past weekend that the response to how old I was turning was "wow, you don't seem that old" rather than "gosh, you are such a baby!" I'm okay with that though. I am more certain than any other year that there will be a peace that I claim in my heart that I have never felt before. I have spent too much of the end of my twenties fighting the things that were happening out of my control. After losing that battle I know I am finally ready to thrive in my lack of control and rest in God's good and perfect story for my life.

Let's end there. That all sounds pretty rosy and that is how I want to remember my 30th birthday. The other stuff is silly, little stuff that seems to take all the joy out of the big stuff like birthday surprises and new decades.

Insert deep breath here. I can finally hit "Publish post." Thank you to my sweet mama, my selfless husband, my dear Nana, my siblings, my inlaws, and my sweet friends for giving me so many happy moments this past weekend. It is true, I love a good birthday and this was certainly one of them. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Here's to looking up and not at the dirty diaper on the floor or the mess of 4 loads of laundry and colorful Fisher Price toys in front of me.