Good early morning. It was so dark so late this morning and I was so happy in my bed. I have been a little less motivated these days for anything and a little less interested in getting out in the new cold weather. So I afforded myself a little couch time under the covers while I start my new book before the day really begins. It's not the same as the dark bed but it's inviting all the same. Before I dove in to the 300 pages I was looking over some often checked websites and I found this piece of refreshing, encouraging "literature" if you will. In the midst of a job that suits me or that I can suit - this was assuring. I am "working" right now but just maybe not for a monetary income. Nonetheless, we are always working at something. Read on.......
Hard Work
Posted 15 hours ago
Dr. Feelgood and I were invited for a weekend away. It was refreshing to sit by the sea and read, and to walk along the pounding surf under a starry sky. We worked at our golf game, trying to correct that annoying, recurring, swing flaw, and we gladly worked for our dinner, cracking giant crab claws and peeling fresh-caught shrimp.
Now, there is work….and then there is work. Working to get the succulent meat out of a crab claw yields instant gratification. And the process is fun – sitting around the table with garden tool utensils, laughing at each other, sharing a meal that tasted oh-so fine. No one minds working for such reward. However, the golf work does not yield such quick return for the effort. After two days of repeating errors, on my to-do list is to schedule a lesson – or a series of lessons. And then I will need to practice and practice. Golf is work. Up to this point, it has been fun to get out in nature, to be with people I love, and just to hope I can move the ball forward without holding up play (a major annoyance to men). But I am getting tired of a lingering high score and working at it is the only thing that will bring it down.
Last week, I went back to visit Whitefield Academy where I worked before Megan became ill. Work was a joy for me, probably not a passion, but a meaningful experience where I learned so much and grew in my faith. I loved going there daily and working with creative, caring colleagues. I had projects to accomplish and worked hard to see them through. I was challenged and rewarded. Rewarded with an income, yes, but rewarded by feeling that what I was doing had meaning and purpose in the lives of others. My work, like the crab claws, made me feel good.
Megan loved her work. She poured her short time as a teacher into creative lessons in her classroom. She used a lot of her own money for snacks and special activities. Once she made a birthday cake for her student and delivered it to her home because she was sick. She was passionate about the little lives she was touching and had wonderful, lively stories about so many of them. But she also worked at her friendships, her family, and her faith. She was always busy - joyfully working at her work, and loving the process. Even the day after she died, September 13th, she was busy being honored as a bridesmaid - all the way from Heaven!
So what exactly is work? Is it just what we do for money? Is it what we do with our time to yield some kind of reward? Is it what we have to do when we are not having fun? Is work a passion of our heart’s dreams or is work an effort to simply accomplish a task? Maybe the task is not the Monday To-Do List, or of our own choosing, but rather a way of life – like working through a series of Chemo treatments, or working to live with a chronic disease or disability. Maybe work is the task of forgiveness or loving someone unconditionally. Maybe work is grieving a loss.
Right now I do not like my job – this work that I did not choose. Grieving is hard. It hurts. There is no consistency in the process. I WANT LIFE THE WAY IT WAS! I want Megan to call me on the phone for our daily chat about nothing. I want her to snatch Dr. Feelgood’s wallet and make him play the wallet game where she takes out a card and he has to guess which one she took. I want her to take a road trip to visit Blair on her birthday this week or make Owen some brownies. I want someone that I cannot have ever again in this life – someone I loved.
And so we must work at accepting this loss - the grief process. We are finding our way day by day - it is called stumbling and just allowing the tears to fall – often at surprising times. Time with the Lord in the morning is what comforts and teaches and provides a sense of assurance in the midst of great sadness. To be able to rise every day and read verses from scripture gives me strength to move through the next 24 hours and then I start again. It is enough. God alone is enough. Here are just a few:
Colossians 3:23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart as working for the Lord, not man…it is the Lord you are serving.
Psalm 32:8 I will instruct you and train you in the way you shall go. I will counsel you with my eye.
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.
1 Corinthians 4:16-18 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
I believe that each of us are all serving the Lord through our work, that he will not only instruct and train, but will watch over us with his eye; I trust that I do not always understand things, but that our path will be directed; I will not lose heart, but will expect renewal day by day, trusting that our troubles are somehow in some unseen way working to some glorious eternity.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Welcomed rain
There couldn't be a more perfect day for a drenching in the Atlanta area. I am happily off work today so I have no need to get out in the mess and we just need a good soaking. Amos has been watching the rain all morning. Occasionally as it picks up he barks at it. His bark almost startles himself as it is so rare to hear a noise from him. He is so entertaining though. You would think he is protecting his family from intruders or something but, no, he doesn't do that.....he kisses anyone that walks through our door.
So the forecast calls for rain all day today thanks to our neighbor Alabama. Therefore, I am on the couch doing alot of something I never do....nothing. I used to feel guilty when I wasn't busy. Luckily marriage has lessened my guilt as it seems okay to do nothing if it is with someone else. But today I feel no guilt. The doors are open. The rains incessant pounding on the sidewalk is really refreshing - and much more enjoyable than the usual sound of the constant traffic. The only unfortunate thing is I finally finished my epic novel, The Thornbirds, last night. I wasn't really thrilled with the last 100 pages. I am not sure why someone would have wanted to right a 700 page novel and write the ending just so drearily. I am a hopeless romantic and would rather see the love at the end than the lesson learned. Love pervades all things, right? I guess I will pick up Brad's latest read, When Crickets Cry. We ran into some dear friends from college who also happened to be the pastor and his wife from church in Athens. Both of them were raving about this book. Brad immediately had to buy it. Funny - if I recommend a book (as I did this same book a year ago) Brad seems interested for a second but feels no pressure to actually read it. Oh, but run into some old friends and you would have thought Brad wouldn't sleep or eat until he had the thing in his hand. I am happy for him though as he really dove into the book and had a great week on the beach reading it. So, I will pick it up too now. And, I'll sit here all day with my dog barking and the rain falling under my down comforter on the smelly couch and I will read and do nothing and I will not feel an ounce of guilt.
Enjoy the rainy Friday!
So the forecast calls for rain all day today thanks to our neighbor Alabama. Therefore, I am on the couch doing alot of something I never do....nothing. I used to feel guilty when I wasn't busy. Luckily marriage has lessened my guilt as it seems okay to do nothing if it is with someone else. But today I feel no guilt. The doors are open. The rains incessant pounding on the sidewalk is really refreshing - and much more enjoyable than the usual sound of the constant traffic. The only unfortunate thing is I finally finished my epic novel, The Thornbirds, last night. I wasn't really thrilled with the last 100 pages. I am not sure why someone would have wanted to right a 700 page novel and write the ending just so drearily. I am a hopeless romantic and would rather see the love at the end than the lesson learned. Love pervades all things, right? I guess I will pick up Brad's latest read, When Crickets Cry. We ran into some dear friends from college who also happened to be the pastor and his wife from church in Athens. Both of them were raving about this book. Brad immediately had to buy it. Funny - if I recommend a book (as I did this same book a year ago) Brad seems interested for a second but feels no pressure to actually read it. Oh, but run into some old friends and you would have thought Brad wouldn't sleep or eat until he had the thing in his hand. I am happy for him though as he really dove into the book and had a great week on the beach reading it. So, I will pick it up too now. And, I'll sit here all day with my dog barking and the rain falling under my down comforter on the smelly couch and I will read and do nothing and I will not feel an ounce of guilt.
Enjoy the rainy Friday!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Family
I have a very large family. Both sides of the family are their own separate overgrown oak tree of relatives. Since Brad and I have been married we have ran into a second cousin or great aunt in the most random places and I am sure he must think that we all couldn't really be family. You see, in South Georgia where my boy is from he has Aunt So-and-So and Uncle So-and-So that aren't necessarily an aunt by blood though certainly by definition. I love that too! But as you could imagine he is constantly asking my if Cousin Joe is really related to me or just a real close family friend. I love being a part of a great big and a fairly local family at that.
Well, yesterday my great big family gathered to celebrate the life of my granddad. As family's of four and six trickled into the funeral home my heart kept growing more full. Family family everywhere. The family alone is about 70 strong not to add my mom's side of the family that showed up to show their support as well. As the hugs were extended and the cheeks pinched I couldn't help but boast of the love in the room. Love certainly for my granddad and the thorough life he lived. Love, too, that extended to my dad and his siblings as well as my great aunts and uncles - granddads siblings. But there was a big love for my sweet Nana.
You see granddad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's seven+ years ago. I hate to think that I may have been too swallowed up in college life to really understand the magnitude of this disease at it's onset. And that's the trick of it...it's one of those things that slowly but ever so surely evolves. Nonetheless, Nana never once left my granddad's side. She literally became an earthly extension of him - protecting him physically, protecting his mind, protecting his heart by still speaking kindly to him and treating him with dignity despite the seemingly shameful turns the disease took. Four weekends ago he took some sharp, fatal turns for the worse. Nana didn't crumble. She has acted stoically and genuinely in response to the turn of events. And this is unconditional love. I have written of this term often. I have experienced it in small ways through marriage. I tell my mom of her unconditional love in any card I send to her. She is selfless to the core. But my sweet Nana has truly written the definition.
Though I know and feel the pain of loss at this time I also feel joy for my Nana. I can't imagine the peace she must feel knowing as she has said over and over "she has ran the race" and she has certainly ran this race with poise, a smile, and persistence. I just pray she feels the adoration of Our Heavenly Father smiling upon her. She has truly been a walking, breathing example of selfless, unending, agape type love....even when it means getting your hands dirty in the middle of an ugly disease. And I know I am not the only one in my great big family to see this. God, I am grateful for Your presence amid this loss. I am grateful for the way You have used my Nana's hands and hearts to truly be the hands, feet, and heart of Jesus.
2 Timothy 4:7-8
7I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith:
8Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing.
Well, yesterday my great big family gathered to celebrate the life of my granddad. As family's of four and six trickled into the funeral home my heart kept growing more full. Family family everywhere. The family alone is about 70 strong not to add my mom's side of the family that showed up to show their support as well. As the hugs were extended and the cheeks pinched I couldn't help but boast of the love in the room. Love certainly for my granddad and the thorough life he lived. Love, too, that extended to my dad and his siblings as well as my great aunts and uncles - granddads siblings. But there was a big love for my sweet Nana.
You see granddad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's seven+ years ago. I hate to think that I may have been too swallowed up in college life to really understand the magnitude of this disease at it's onset. And that's the trick of it...it's one of those things that slowly but ever so surely evolves. Nonetheless, Nana never once left my granddad's side. She literally became an earthly extension of him - protecting him physically, protecting his mind, protecting his heart by still speaking kindly to him and treating him with dignity despite the seemingly shameful turns the disease took. Four weekends ago he took some sharp, fatal turns for the worse. Nana didn't crumble. She has acted stoically and genuinely in response to the turn of events. And this is unconditional love. I have written of this term often. I have experienced it in small ways through marriage. I tell my mom of her unconditional love in any card I send to her. She is selfless to the core. But my sweet Nana has truly written the definition.
Though I know and feel the pain of loss at this time I also feel joy for my Nana. I can't imagine the peace she must feel knowing as she has said over and over "she has ran the race" and she has certainly ran this race with poise, a smile, and persistence. I just pray she feels the adoration of Our Heavenly Father smiling upon her. She has truly been a walking, breathing example of selfless, unending, agape type love....even when it means getting your hands dirty in the middle of an ugly disease. And I know I am not the only one in my great big family to see this. God, I am grateful for Your presence amid this loss. I am grateful for the way You have used my Nana's hands and hearts to truly be the hands, feet, and heart of Jesus.
2 Timothy 4:7-8
7I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith:
8Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing.
Monday, October 20, 2008
A few from our week in Seaside
Brad and his attempt to beat my perfect handstand below....
Anniversary dinner! Where did the year go?
Thursday, October 16, 2008
A juicy book on the beach
Brad was determined for this post title to be true as we packed for a week at the beach last week. You see, nearly a year ago we were going through the same hurried task of packing for a trip. This time it was to St. Lucia for a week of honeying the moon and we were preparing for days away in a manner that would become the norm. We need to leave the house by 7am. Therefore, we'll set our clocks early, oh 5:30amish, and that will be plenty of time to wash dirty socks, find passports, and make sure our toiletries are in plastic baggies. As you can imagine, this was a nightmare. I hate to remember it that way as it turned out to be such a sweet time but getting ourselves to the airport that chilly Monday morning was a disaster. As we were heading out the door I looked sheepishly at Mr. Brad and asked if he had seen my book that I had been saving to read for our week on the Caribbean beaches sipping fruity concoctions. Since I had only been his wife for a mere 30+ hours it seems he was more eager than normal to find the little treasure of literature. We tore my recently delivered boxes apart, ripped open every box in storage, scurried through any drawer we could find and to much avail, nothing. Brad assured me that we would just buy the popular book when we got to the airport. " It will be everywhere," he assured me. Fast forward - Brad and I race to the airport in record speed only to find the longest most confusing security line ever known to Hartsfield Jackson. Fastfoward some more - Delta mixed up some things just to make this story good and Brad wasn't even booked on the flight...the one flight to St. Lucia for the week. Needless to say, the book was everywhere but there wasn't a moment to grab one in our plight to make it to our plane to paradise.
Day two in St. Lucia. We are sitting happily in two shaded lounge chairs on the beach in between the Piton mountains, overlooking the indescribable blue water. Brad has discovered his drink of the week - the Piton beer and I - a pina colada type of bliss. Brad looks over at his new wife to see the shared joy on her face only to find her hidden behind the over sized restaurant menu from the resort. I didn't have my much anticipated book to read so I figured I would study the food. Meals are typically my favorite part of any normal day at home or any extra special day on a honeymoon. As tasty and tempting as they were the reading only lasted for a mere 12 minutes. Now I sit. 5.5 days left in heaven and not a thing to read to whisk my mind away. About midway through the day I decided to check out the resorts library. Surely the many American tourists before us had left a plethora of books behind and since this particular one was on Oprah's summer reading list (not why I bought it) it was sure to show up smelling like suntan lotion and a spilled daiquiri. Well, that wa wishful thinking. The most recent book on the island was The Pelican Brief which if I recall correctly was something in the mid-90's. I conceded. I would have no book all week and I would survive. And I did. I survived very well. I read every tourist pamplet provided and knew the prices of every item on every menu and though I would like to believe I kept my angst to myself - Brad assures me that I did not. Welcome to marriage, honey! So now whenever we get to retell stories of our divine week on the island - the story usually starts with the quest for the lost book and Brad dolling out advise to always make wifey (that's what they say in St. Lucia) happy. The end.
Luckily, on our second of week long excursions Brad heeded his own advise. I was literally craving a green book I had seen when Brad decided to pack up half of my things earlier this year in the condo and store them. I remember seeing a way-to-thick-to-read book in the box. It was one I was given as a gift in college and much to my shame, I began it and for no reason I never even tried to finish it but I do remember liking it. Lets' just add... life has been messy lately. I'll spare you of the details because I am at the beach and things are happy but things have just been messy between alot of things.......jobs, sickness in my family, dreams, plans, the usual....So all I could foresee last week as we were packing was my toes in the white sand and my head stuck in the middle of a big fat book. The kind that invites you right into the middle of the plot and leaves you there all day prompting you to keep turning the pages....all 691 of them. So as we were trying to get out the door Sunday sweet Mr. Brad unloaded 16 boxes from our one storage closet. We dug through half of them until we found the thing I had been imagining the thick green book....the ticket to escape for a week.
And that is just what I have done. Meggie Cleary from The Thornbirds has become my closest friend. Luckily for Brad he, too, found a book - a non self-help book - that he could dive into. And that is just what we have done this week in Seaside for our anniversary. We've eaten fried shrimps, drank fine beers, watched the sun for exactly when it dips behind the ocean line, walked the quiet Seaside and Watercolor streets at night and read. Mostly, we have read. This is what I call vacation. Vacate anything usual and customary and enjoy the story of a juicy book and the tastes of not-so-normal food. We may not have learned all the lessons to be learned in the first year of marriage but we learned some big ones. Get away occasionally, just the two of you, and don't try to fix or solve anything. Just be still and enjoy the very day that has been given to you. I'm just happy these days have been spent in the sand.
Day two in St. Lucia. We are sitting happily in two shaded lounge chairs on the beach in between the Piton mountains, overlooking the indescribable blue water. Brad has discovered his drink of the week - the Piton beer and I - a pina colada type of bliss. Brad looks over at his new wife to see the shared joy on her face only to find her hidden behind the over sized restaurant menu from the resort. I didn't have my much anticipated book to read so I figured I would study the food. Meals are typically my favorite part of any normal day at home or any extra special day on a honeymoon. As tasty and tempting as they were the reading only lasted for a mere 12 minutes. Now I sit. 5.5 days left in heaven and not a thing to read to whisk my mind away. About midway through the day I decided to check out the resorts library. Surely the many American tourists before us had left a plethora of books behind and since this particular one was on Oprah's summer reading list (not why I bought it) it was sure to show up smelling like suntan lotion and a spilled daiquiri. Well, that wa wishful thinking. The most recent book on the island was The Pelican Brief which if I recall correctly was something in the mid-90's. I conceded. I would have no book all week and I would survive. And I did. I survived very well. I read every tourist pamplet provided and knew the prices of every item on every menu and though I would like to believe I kept my angst to myself - Brad assures me that I did not. Welcome to marriage, honey! So now whenever we get to retell stories of our divine week on the island - the story usually starts with the quest for the lost book and Brad dolling out advise to always make wifey (that's what they say in St. Lucia) happy. The end.
Luckily, on our second of week long excursions Brad heeded his own advise. I was literally craving a green book I had seen when Brad decided to pack up half of my things earlier this year in the condo and store them. I remember seeing a way-to-thick-to-read book in the box. It was one I was given as a gift in college and much to my shame, I began it and for no reason I never even tried to finish it but I do remember liking it. Lets' just add... life has been messy lately. I'll spare you of the details because I am at the beach and things are happy but things have just been messy between alot of things.......jobs, sickness in my family, dreams, plans, the usual....So all I could foresee last week as we were packing was my toes in the white sand and my head stuck in the middle of a big fat book. The kind that invites you right into the middle of the plot and leaves you there all day prompting you to keep turning the pages....all 691 of them. So as we were trying to get out the door Sunday sweet Mr. Brad unloaded 16 boxes from our one storage closet. We dug through half of them until we found the thing I had been imagining the thick green book....the ticket to escape for a week.
And that is just what I have done. Meggie Cleary from The Thornbirds has become my closest friend. Luckily for Brad he, too, found a book - a non self-help book - that he could dive into. And that is just what we have done this week in Seaside for our anniversary. We've eaten fried shrimps, drank fine beers, watched the sun for exactly when it dips behind the ocean line, walked the quiet Seaside and Watercolor streets at night and read. Mostly, we have read. This is what I call vacation. Vacate anything usual and customary and enjoy the story of a juicy book and the tastes of not-so-normal food. We may not have learned all the lessons to be learned in the first year of marriage but we learned some big ones. Get away occasionally, just the two of you, and don't try to fix or solve anything. Just be still and enjoy the very day that has been given to you. I'm just happy these days have been spent in the sand.
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