Sanctify

I didn't know much about mothering before entering this stage but I surely didn't know that sanctification came with the package. Sure, you get alot of repenting and forgiveness in marriage and the bi-product is always so sweet but I just didn't think "babysitting" little minds and hearts especially in these young years could dig so deep at my character. This week for some reason every "icky" part of me that may hide in my subconscious...you know the envy, or selfishness, or ungratefulness that just sits and grows moldy in the deepest part of you while you think you are just doing everyday life - well, it has surfaced. I can't say that I haven't asked for it though. I have pleaded nightly as I lay awake just praying for every little thing that comes to mind (and hoping it will result in some boring prayers that put me to sleep!) that God would show me all of Him through this process of sleeplessness. It's true - I will not come out of this year without having had my character and heart totally realigned. There have been too many things in my adult life that I have just gotten away with but that have sat festering...causing my heart a little more havoc each day/year that I let them go by. I know I am being hard but I really believe that behaviors and thoughts that aren't pure can cause serious damage on the inside. There are people in my life that I claim to have forgiven but really I haven't fully covered those people in a forgiving and forgetful grace....the kind that doesn't even see the past or expect the worst in the future. Or for instance the many times that my pride has caused me to shut my mouth in my marriage when my heart wanted praise and encouragement to flow. Pride is a sneaky thing and causes us to do the very thing we know we don't want to do. Yuck yuck yuck.

Anyway, somehow this week my two little boys have helped me see some of these things that lie so deep that many others would never see. I am reading yet another book called "Loving the little Years." As a mom, this book will make you feel like a saint and like you aren't crazy! The author has 5 kids under 5 and she says she didn't write the book because it is easy being a mom but because it isn't. This hit me:
"I remember a time when I used to be much godlier. It was sometime in junior high and my room was clean. It must have been beautiful weather outside because the lighting was very nice in my room where I was reading my Bible every day and feeling really good. It was quite clear to me that my sanctification was progressing very well. As the feeling wore off, I remember looking back to that time as a high point. That was really living the Christian life." (From Chapter 2: In the Rock Tumbler) {I hope you sense her sarcasm.}
The boys have helped me see this week that really living the life that I've always thought I was living means something so much harder than I ever knew. It means giving up myself to my children - not out of obligation but out of desire. I have selflessly given to them for 2+ years now but I admit, many times it's out of a motherly "duty" not necessarily a selfless desire to mold and guide their hearts and their development. It was Monday when the oldest little boy again said to me "mommy, you sad?" This time I wasn't at all sad - just being a mom on a normal afternoon - lazily laying on the floor as they played with eachother and about 7 trucks. I know this is a very very small example but it hurt my heart to think that the boys often see my lack luster outlook because they are the ones that are with me most....on the floor - all the while wondering if I'll every really selflessly embrace this time with their impressionable hearts. Would you be honest enough to admit that "the little years" aren't the most gratifying? But a friend texted me this last night and it made sense - I had said that I don't feel like I am mothering (and aging) very gracefully to which she said, "yes, but hopefully the end product will be graceful." And that is the point. Whether you are spending your mornings in an office or a hospital or a school or on the floor with little people - the investment isn't always the most graceful thing but hopefully the heart you are putting into your day will result in a beautifully graceful outcome.

Yes, oddly, I am grateful that the boys have a way with getting at the little things lodged deep in my heart. I never thought a toddler and a baby could make me think so much about the person I am.....the things that come out of my mouth....and the "me" that is behind the mom. I am more grateful today though that I know a real Grace that covers all of my inadequacies and even my selfishness. It covers it all and that is why in the end the product even has a shot at being graceful, valuable, and beautiful.