Up for air

We are 5 days away from what has become a huge milestone in our house. It's not the kind of huge you would expect. Many of my dearest friends self-admittedly go a little over the top for a one year old birthday party. I did the same with our first born and though I want to be able to snuggle up on our over sized leather sofa in 10 years and look through beaten photo albums of the boys' young years and not have to explain why our 2nd shot at a first birthday was largely toned down compared to the 1st - I also realized this time around what is most important....and that is a peaceful home, void of any unnecessary stress.

That makes it sound like some cupcakes, balloons, and a handful of barely walking babies is stressful. It isn't but in this stage of life - anything out of our routine seems to take yet another hour of sleep from my already low bank of zzzz's. Therefore, I feel like I finally learned the art of boredom this summer and I have a feeling when our sleep/wake patterns return around here and thus ushering in the list of possible activities and to-do's with two babies - my new art will slowly go away. And I don't think I want that to happen.

I've practically written a book this summer of journal entries. I have always been a pretty consistent writer. I don't write the way I want to just yet but deep down I say that when I actually have more time I'll think more about the way the words come out - rather than just letting them storm the screen with their own personality. I've also read just about as much as I've written - half of which twice because it seems under little sleep you have to read things atleast twice to even remember if you were reading the Wall Street Journal or the newest-mindless Emily Giffin novel. Often, instead of a trip to a friends house for afternoon play I've found myself so engrossed in a book that I literally forget that the 2 year old can't really supervise the 1 year old. Oops. So, in a way this prolonged season has allowed me some time that I would normally have filled with more photo-worthy type things but I am so glad I've had a year now to catch up on things I desperately love.

More so, this year has allowed me ample time to think and pray. Almost too much time. I often think my learned ability to function on a naps-worth of sleep a night has been detrimental in more than just the obvious ways. That little "let-down" time allows my mind just enough time to recharge thus giving me more energy to think and attempt to pray my way out. Some one recently told me that had I spent more nights without even shutting my eyes once then maybe I wouldn't have the energy to think, ponder, research, and seemingly reason my way into the next season.

But this week has again given me something new. A breath of fresh air. I know not to presume that a few good nights signifies the end but I also know that I have to find enough hope in those few good nights to see me through to the next one. For the first time in 8 months I have done the most normal thing known to man - fallen asleep. It sounds so good to write that - "fallen" as opposed to "coerced through medication" or "fought my way"......I have FALLEN asleep - and in a relatively short amount of time. And while that news is the most refreshing thing I have experienced in my 30 years - the next line is even more refreshing. I sort of don't care. Not, like "I don't care" with a little cynicism attached but like - it's not the most important thing to me - kind of not caring. In the middle of one of htese recent nights I wrote in my journal

"If I come out of this battle and don't have all of Jesus then the whole thing has been in vain. God, do not relent until I have it all.

That is what became clear and most important to me this week. If this year doesn't change me at a character level then I'll take another year. Seriously. If the first words off of my lips in the presence of my children and my husband are anything less than true, good, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy - then the job is not done. I finally came to a place this week where I know that I want Jesus more than I want to sleep. Luckily, the few nights of somewhat normal sleep this week have allowed me to see that. It feels so good to come up for air but it feels even better to see land in the distance when I come up from the water.

The biggest milestone that we will celebrate next week with our newly turned one year old will not necessarily be his birth but the new life that was stirred in our home as a result of his birth. I am so grateful that this year has started to change me for the good.