Pregnant thoughts about chil'rens

I was admittedly in denial the last time I was pregnant and I don't say that lightly. It wasn't just "Oh, I forget I am pregnant sometimes." It was more like "I can't believe I am really having a baby," as I was laying in a bed 7cm dilated at the baby factory up the hill. I just hadn't wrapped my head around the fact that I was a mother in the first place to be {already} having another child. Quite humorous how God works, huh? Just in case I wasn't secure in my role with one thing to take care of for the rest of my life - there was another. And now I am "PG" for the 3rd time around and I am finally thrilled to say I not only accept but embrace and adore my role as a mother. Third times a charm, right? So of course when I talk to neighbors or strangers or whomever that says they aren't "ready" to have kids I have to sort of chuckle because like most big events in life - you'll never actually be ready. It takes going through the experience itself to develop whatever it is that you think you need to be "ready." And for me, I've had to walk through it twice to finally say I am more "ready" than I could be though I know that even this child, and this birth, and this new life will be different than anything I have prepared for the first two times around.

Which kind of brings me to my next thought. This one stirs something in me so deep. Among the multitude of counselors and psychologists that I dated last year during that awful year in our lives I remember one such counselor asking me questions about my choices about (or against) birth control. She told me that I have a very deep value for life. That sounds really hokey and counselor-like but I got what she was saying. I guess I just really take it seriously that I have the ability to not only create life but also to give life to those close to me. Before I was of the child baring stage I was most deeply satisfied when I felt like I could offer something of value...real personal value to someone. Though I still get the same joy when that takes place now it's kind of different and much more grand. It's the gift I have been given to literally give life to a baby. Last week I told Brad I thought 5 or 6 kidaroos would be great. He spit his food out and turned pale. Now that we have just gotten over the "hump" of the first year of a baby's life I can start to see the forest through the trees. This whole game...the passing of a life....the stacking of years FLIES by! I have to make myself look at pictures from just 2 short years ago when Brooks was an immobile, drooling 14 lb little guy. Now, 20+ pounds later and a whole dictionary of words and I can not recall one single thing about his baby-hood. It really does fly - just like your great great aunt always told you. I don't need 3 more little ones right in a row like these 3 babies but I embrace the idea of a whole bunch of little lives to impact (and to be impacted by) running all over my house one day.

I know I am biased because I know nothing different right now but I feel I've finally been let in on the greatest secret and gift of all time....children! I've had alot of fun seasons in my short 30 years and many that Brad still likes to token as my "glory days." We've all been in those seasons or maybe you are there now. But as I type, still unshowered, dressed in my typical workout clothes, and having just eaten the crusts of the peanut butter and jelly's the boys ate (or threw) for lunch - I can honestly say these are my glory days! I feel selfish at times to get to enjoy such fabulous, authentic, yet free entertainment. Atleast 4 times a day as a mom you find yourself laughing out of true comedic exploration from the mouth of a toddler or laughing at yourself for ever thinking something might go seamlessly as it once did before kids entered. Like Monday when I came in the living room after almost 40 minutes of a peculiar silence to find Brooks having opened 11 of the 14 presents I had just wrapped during his nap. I had no words. His face was too innocent and just too sweet to even tell him he was wrong. We rewrapped the presents and told him he had to wait until Jesus' birthday. So now everyday, all day he asks me if it can please be Jesus' birthday. And last night I came down the stairs to go to a party and William clapped like I was a hot air balloon and Brooks told me I looked like a princess. Hello???? You just can't pay for that stuff and you can't fabricate it. There are definitely really really hard times and they, too, happen daily. There are hours that turn into days where all I feel like is one overrun babysitter and nothing the boys do or say can snap me out of it when it's one of those days. But the unevoked, unfabricated, simple purity that is experienced while babysitting" these little people truly is what makes these of all years - truly my glory days.

So, if you stuck with me through all the sap on motherhood here are a few pictures to woo you and a few lighter thoughts from the brain of a pregnant woman.
-Now that I am relearning how to sleep again (with the exception of a few rough nights like last week) I have remembered that I am a stomach sleeper! I loooove to put my hands under my head and under my pillow and feel like a little girl again as I drift off. I think there is money to be made on a product that allows a PG woman to sleep on her tummy for longer than the first trimester??
-Dreams, dreams, glorious dreams. Atleast the crazy dreams assure me that I am sleeping but goodness, if you can put dolphins, a storm at sea, a boyfriend from 7th grade, and a dunkin donut all in one dream - it's got to be stirred from the hormones!
-I deplore (is that a word) maternity clothes. I have never bought too many but the few things I did buy have been lent to my other expectant friends and now I am left with not a thing for this belly to wear. I just hate to ask for anyone to buy me maternity clothes for Christmas but as Brad reminded me the other day - I am always pregnant and therefore maternity clothes would actually be a wise investment. Thanks, honey.
-I will be half way through with this gig come the 1st of the year. What? Half way? I realized this the other day and also realized these could be my last 5 months in a long long while (unless we break the odds again and conceive under the 3 forms of birth control I am being forced to use (which is highly likely)) to enjoy the freedoms of pregnancy.....the 2nd helpings, the laziness in the mornings, the half hearted workouts, the more womanly figure up top if you know what I mean, and the desserts! I am never one to go crazy during a pregnancy or nursing period because let's face it - that would mean craziness would prevail (25 of our 49 months married have been spent PG) but this time around....just in case it is the last one for awhile - I am taking full advantage of the caloric needs for a body to grow a baby!
-Brooks asked Santa for a baby "dister". Uh oh. I hope he won't blame Santa when another boy part pops out in May. We won't find out for certain this time if the little person is a boy or girl until the birth but I am quite certain that boys are all we do. And how cute....I have always thought a mom of 3 girls or 3 boys was just the most edible thing but I just never thought I'd be that mom.
-I really really really want a margarita. A whole one with a straw and salt and an umbrella. And margaritas aren't normally my thing but I really really just want a margarita.
-Brad and I are already starting to think about how to celebrate our 5th year anniversary next October. We will also be celebrating 4 years of pregnancy and 3 kids and the anticipation that I will be a normal-non pregnant-sleeping wife come next year! Any suggestions? I Crazy! I really want to go skiing out west since skiing has been one thing that has been restricted since we went on this baby marathon. Ahhh.....I can't wait!

I hope I didn't scare anyone today....




Why can't I open all "da p'esents, mama?"