My picture quality is poor, poor, poor. I am thinking I'll have to trade in any Christmas presents this year for a camera that captures the moments around here a little better. Unfortunately, I have always been a "live in the moment" kinda girl and I do not put enough thought into the future....like 10 years down the road and these boys are well into girls, and video games, and bikes and want nothing to do with me and any of my Christmas shenanigans and I'm sure I'll wish I had some edible footage of the boys' 100% pure cuteness from their toddler days. Some of the more put together moms I know get their kids pictures taken every 6 months and then even have special outfits for the occasion and then actually do the unthinkable....get the pictures printed and framed and hung. We still have Brooks' newborn pictures adorning our mostly bare walls and I don't think a picture of William exists in the house. Don't remind them of this later please. Last year we had a pass because we had a pass on all of life other than learning to sleep again but now I have no excuse! Okay, maybe I'm pregnant but that is a level playing field for me. Pregnancy is my job! Anyway, maybe in 2012 I'll be a more put together mom. Normal sleeping patterns (if pregnancy sleep is considered normal) make all the difference and any New Years goal seems that much more attainable with a little sleep. Yes, as you can see, I seriously wake up and say "thank you" every single morning. This has truly been the gift that keeps on giving this year and the biggest journey I have ever walked.
So, in the last few spirit filled weeks we have continued to wear corny Christmas attire. Yes, all of us. Brad even borrowed my brothers Cousin Eddie get-up for a party and I was so impressed that he actually wore it! I learned alot about him that night and I was pleasantly surprised with the "dress up" kind of guy I must have married. I hadn't really known it until now. Isn't that the most fun part about marriage when you learn a new little thing about the person you've probably used the restroom in front of and spent a majority of your time with over the years of marriage. I also observed this week that he is more of a little kid at heart than I had thought. In 5 nights we have now watched two of the Toy Story movies, the animated film "Up", and every old school Christmas cartoon you could fathom. Personally, I'd much rather the story of a Disney movie than going to bed after some of the more intense movies we seem to pick up. Here's our never-ending festive attire...And a picture of Brad and I at the Woodfruff Arts Center for our favorite Christmas tradition - the Christmas Carol play. Good thing I got our faces in a photo from this year or I would look back and wonder who Brad was raising these boys with
NOW FOR THAT.
It's funny to me often how things transpire. Ever since a short video (about 2.5 minutes in) of a family we barely knew from our church a few weeks ago we have been praying for the Green family. I was certainly touched by this family's faith during what is probably the hardest season for their little family yet. I had to stop and really think about what the mom, Katie, must be feeling. She has been carrying baby Hallie, whom they discovered early in the pregnancy had Trisomy 13, a chromosomal abnormality that effects every facet of a baby's life. At the time we had just entered the 2nd trimester with our 3rd child, too. Hallie is this couples third girl in just a few years. Many of the similarities were striking and thus really allowed me to try to feel what this sweet mother might be feeling though I know I would never have a clue outside of this type of diagnosis. I've just always thought things that happen in utero like this type of thing - a chromosomal thing - were one of the more tricky and difficult places in our faith. If it were me I know I'd almost want to know that there was something I did wrong to have warranted such a diagnosis but in this case it is truly a matter of chromosomes - the stuff we are made of and what we bring to the table which I think we can all agree, Christian or not, came from our parents and their parents and on and on and on but has nothing to do with my right or wrong doing as a mother.
With each of our own pregnancies Brad and I have decided not to have any of the ultra fine tuned testing that they can now do these days in order to determine your supposed risk for complications whether inside or outside the belly. I certainly think there is great value in knowing something ahead of time (especially in the Green's case) but I guess we just knew deep down that no matter what any test ever told us we would carry the baby for as long as we were given (just as this sweet family has done). Now, if there was something that showed that we were definitely going to be looking into situation like Trysomy 13 or down syndrome we would do whatever possible to know as much as we could about our time frame with the baby. Fortunately, we have just never had to walk that road.
Until yesterday. Yesterday was the big anatomy ultrasound for this baby. We had an appointment at a specialist's office which makes me feel so confident going to one of the top doctor's office at one of the top hospitals for delivering babies in the country.
While I hadn't said much about it I was a little antsy over this appointment. We had decided not to find out the sex of this baby so it wasn't over that lingering question. It was because of the gobs of medicines that I was taking night after night the first several weeks of this baby's life in order to fight insomnia. We didn't find out we were pregnant until about 7 weeks so there were 7 solid weeks of chemicals that I didn't want in my body let alone a growing fetus. After a lengthy ultrasound with multiple pictures of the baby's heart and kidneys as I guess those are two of the main indicators of a problem the ultrasound tech left the room and the waiting began and it lasted for what felt like forever. Brad paced as usual and I laughed at him while secretly praying that I could be ready for any news.
Our news was not terrible. We won't need to make any decisions like the Green's did in this situation. But the report wasn't spotless either which leaves a chance for something to be discovered when this sweet life joins our family in May. Since my husband is an adopted math guy (former forestry major and tree expert) he assured me after running some numbers of al my risks that he calculates our chance is less than 3% that our plans for this baby's life could look very different come May (though the doctor said 20%....3? 20? close, right??). I am certainly not one to focus on the minute chance that is out there and I am so elated that we stand on the other side of the ratios. But it had me thinking alot yesterday about chances.
The chance of us getting pregnant on the IUD was less than 1%. But here I sit as pregnant (and plump) as I can be having put all my hope in that little miracle uterine device. And my faith in a God that prepares a path for me and knows my days is more solid than it has ever been because of this (very small) chance we took. My life and my outlook changed the moment I saw that pregnancy test in late September. More so, the chances of the nurse at my OB not doing the routine pregnancy urine test the day I came in for a check up are probably even lower. Yesterday I thanked her for her mistake and I think she almost slapped me. Had we known then that I was pregnant I would have certainly thrown out the medicine and this long wait until this big ultrasound wouldn't have been so heavy for me - thinking all along that I could have caused harm to this unborn child. But God knew every single detail of this story. I don't have time to go back to how God made me and put together my story with Brad but I can see how intricately we "fit" and it's not because of some insane romantic feelings we share (though they exist) but because we really are a team - even waiting for the news of our 3rd born child. And He knew the moment we found out we were pregnant with our 2nd child that it would set me and my body into a very lengthy and exhausting search for something....for sleep, for acceptance of my role as my mom, for normalcy, for a truly grateful heart, for an answer?? But that search and the long wait now ending with a baby as an answer has taken my faith to places I could never have imagined....even in my volunteering multiple times a week, small group leading, mission trip leading, super duper prayerful days with time galore to read and write and just listen....I didn't understand my faith like I do now. He has used this entire journey - every single ounce of it to put me in a state of awe.
And He knows the way the story will go in May of next year. I am surprised that I don't have any part of me that wants to go do all the tests we can to see if we can determine something. There's nothing wrong with doing all those tests but there is also nothing we could do. I have more trust in the "chances" of what might happen because I feel completely submerged in a ocean of grace and mercy after coming through this most tremendous and tiring year. That doesn't mean the outcome will necessarily be the prettiest but neither was insomnia. Neither was getting pregnant 3 times within 3 years - or atleast that's what I had thought. I wouldn't be in this place today were it not for those two large, unexpected detours - kids and chronic sickness - in my story. I know now, that in all things, good and bad, God can work in breath taking ways for the good....for the GOOD....of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes.
Please continue to pray for the Green family as little Hallie lives her 3rd unexpected day!
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