Up for air

The only thing I know about serious swimming is the one aqua arobics class I witnessed several years ago when an orthopedist told me my running career of 15 years was over. I pulled out a very unattractive one piece swimsuit and hit the pool with every other senior inside the metro Atlanta area. It was one of the more entertaining hours of my life and I think I was too distraced by the circus in the pool to really understand the countless benefits of exercising under water. I do know, though, that activity done in water is hardly felt by the joints and therefore is extremely kind to your body whether your'e 25 or 75.

When youre in the water - everything feels weighltess.

That's the perfect picture of our lives right now, these 5 B's in a pod, on a Monday in the heat of July.

People often gawk at me when I am in public with 3 humans not yet tall enough to ride the big kid rides and honestly, I welcome it. I just hope that we leave our gawkers with a prettier picture of 3 kids in 3 years than they had imagined! You see, we are a moving circle of chaos right now and I don't say this to just make a joke - this is real life for us right now. At any moment one of us doesn't have a shoe or shoes on and another one of us probably doesn't have on underpants. Usually 2 of us are wearing some sort of breakfast in our hair and to say I don't mind this is an understatement because the smell of syrup smells a whole lot better than a 2 year olds feet after a day of hard play wearing Crocs. Every hour someone has a meltdown and every hour an important item is missing - ie: "bubby" (William's stinky blanket), his glasses, my keys, the baby's pacifier or Brooks' prized toy of the day that he "must" have at all times...you name it, if we need it - it is missing. But really, none of that even phases me when I am this deep in the thick of a young family.

When you are under water, you just dont feel the heaviness of things weighing you down...youre just in it and that's all you know. And this is really the blessing in disguise of having children who will most likely occupy the top three grades of their high school at once. We have never left the toddler or even the baby stage in our last 3+ years enough to know that life beyond diapers and sippy cups and 7pm bedtimes can be a little more freeing....a little less physical work. So when bystanders comment "how do you do it?" often my first thought is "how do I do what?" It's not at all that this (prolonged) season of babyhood doesn't require effort it's just that after awhile you really don't know anything different so your perspective of normal is a little skewed. You just keep kicking and keep pushing the water behind you.

Normal for us is loud car rides and afternoons in the driveway counting rocks passing the time. Normal right now is unfolded heaping piles of laundry and mismatched shoes (I am talking about me here, not the boys!). Normal is a scoop of peanut butter for lunch and a "date night" on the front porch when two of the three kids are asleep just for a change of scenery. Cheers over a big poopoo, and even using the word poopoo are quite usual along with whole days spent in pajamas and doing chores with a "baby on board."
{The sad look was my face after seeing the heaping piles of undone laundry. Sigh...}
Oh, and making a plan to do anything is long gone for now. We literally have to take each day and then look at the waking hours and focus just on what needs to be done that hour - whether it be a meal, a cleaning, a changing, a sleep, or a teaching. What needs to be done this hour? That is what I say to myself throughout the day.

The other reality about being in the thick of it right now is that we just can't even come up for air barely. I don't say that for sympthy, really. It's just our reality and if we choose to focus on our inability to breathe or rest (ie -excotic vacations and long weekends with a book and a cold glass) then we will literally drown but we have to focus on end of the pool and on all of the work that is behind us. I don't wish these days away, I really dont. I look at some of my aunts whom had kids several years before me and I know that many of them would love to squeeze the cheeks of their babbling 2 year old or to sit and snuggle with a newborn. That's not to say they'd go back but you can see it in the eyes of parents in the next stage - there is certainly an innocence and a sweetness that is gone so quickly. So I know that I am to savor each of these moments but honestly, it's a task to try to truly enjoy all the work when youre in the pool, paying the dues. From what I do know about swimming or anything that requires great endurance - you get the best feeling when you look back at what you've done and you think about the distance you have gone.

But here are the little things that bring infinitely more joy than the work that goes into them -
*Overhearing the two big boys as they live their lives together each day and grow closer by the minute. There is nothing on this earth that I have experienced that is more genuine and that fills me with more joy and pride than witnessing these two siblings talk, encourage, giggle and even argue with eachother. So much of it is unrehearsed and unscripted. It is just their little personalities and their innocent views of the world coming to light. And it is absolutely the most fufilling thing I know. It makes each stroke worth it.
*The 30 minutes of absolute silence that happens maybe once a day when all the little people are resting up for an afternoon of chaos. Those quiet minutes are so quiet it is frightening but they are enough to keep me going....atleast until I hear the sweet sound of a green truck pulling in the driveway come late afternoon.
*Hearing your son pray out of the blue for his dad's best friend who just lost his life. I can't type that without turning into a puddle. And I can't wait to see Brooks, William, and Bradford grow into the man that our friend Jay was to everyone he knew. That will make it all worth it.
*Witnessing the fresh smile of a 6 week old who really requires nothing in this world but a little food and alot of sleep. He usually likes to smile for about an hour around 4 am and I actually don't mind it a bit. It gives me enough air to keep going.
*Feeling the weight of a two year olds huge head on your shoulder after a long day. His only request is that we "wock mommy." 5 minutes of rocking your all-boy toddler is enough to get me through to the next special 5 minutes of rocking the next day.
*Seeing the smile on your husband's face as he drives down the drive way to greet all of the people he is responsible for...I know there is also an "Oh my crap, thats alot of people" type of feeling I am sure but I can see the pride beaming from his eyes and it makes it alllll worth it....every last crumb and tear and wet wipe and booger.
*The taste of my sweet tea from McDonalds EVERY SINGLE DAY even after it took 40 minutes to get in the car to get it. WORTH IT!

I am grateful that the Lord gives us the little things to hold onto while we are deep into the minutia of raising children. Being a parent in general is no joke but I know we could have made it a little easier on ourselves having perfectly spaced out our children just as each older one had learned to use the potty. But I also know we would have missed out on this beautiful feeling of utter dependence. I can't imagine being anymore helpless and exhausted than I am right now but oh, what a place to be! I am fully dependent on the Lord's grace to give me the perespective I need to even do this job. I am 110% dependent on Brad of course for his helping hands but mostly for his broad perspective too when I can't see past the hour and the 5th dirty diaper. I do not have what it takes to be this selfless everyday (and every night right now). It's just not in me but I thank God each morning for the little moments He gives me that allow me to know deep down that we are running the race well and one day we will be able to look back at all the work and feel the reward of a job well done.

Here are some tangible "breaths of air" that keep me going: