Desperate

{Skip to the post below for pictures and light hearted reading material. Skip to here to look at the shoes I am loving these days. Skip to here to see what looks sooo yummy to me right this second. Skip to here for some laughs.}

Editor's note: This will be brief and a little too honest.
I am worn down. I am really really worn down and maybe even falling apart at the seams. These last 16 days have truly been one of the hardest seasons I have walked through because in the end, I have been stripped of any inkling of control that I once maintained. And though this is refreshing overall - it is surely exhausting during the process. This baby, but more so, this bothersome mind of mine has kept me awake for nights in a row. And not just, I'm awake off and on but like, I see every hour and literally do not find any rest. I have an entire new appreciation for people who deal with insomnia on a regular basis and I pray with everything in me that the delivery of this baby also delivers me from this lack of sleep. I'm not thinking about anything at 2, 3 and 6 am - just thinking about how desperately I want to sleep which as I have learned only makes it worse. I think that before this two week episode of pre-labor signs I always thought I could control my sleep and the way my body felt- go to bed when I want and wake up (for most of my life with no alarm) when needed, exercise when I needed some energy and rest if I needed that more......Clearly, I have been proven so wrong.

The baby is not here. I promise you would know and so would the rest of the internet because that is how news travels these days. I will never again (though I never have) ask a very pregnant woman why her baby has not come yet. I know it sounds crazy but I have felt so defeated this week when asked this question as if I have had something to do with this upcoming birthday. Once again, maybe somewhere deep down I did think I could control this monumental date. Well, I'm getting my first wish...that this baby would stay put for as long as possible so that I could enjoy our firstborn for that much longer. Yes, God, I concede, I can not control or "will" this baby's timing and the fact that he hasn't come yet doesn't mean you love me any less or have forgotten about me. It's crazy but at times this week I have honestly thought - "ummm, someone up there forgot I was pregnant!"
So, yes, I am extremely desperate for physical and mental rest but I am more desperate for surrender and that is just what I think I did last night in the quiet of the night with just the street light following me as I paced around. God, I cried out to You surrendering the details and the timing of this birth to You. Brad pleaded with You as well to give me the rest I need and to carry us through these final days. And as desperate as I am for just a few hours of rest and a little peace for my mind - I was so grateful last night to have a companion to fight for me in the middle of the night. I was reminded that even this birth has greater impact and purpose than what I can even see. These last few weeks have certainly brought our family together in a way that nothing else has yet to have the power to do. I may be delirious today. My eyes may throb incessantly. My entire body may ache and be ready for relief but I am so assured of the Lord's plan for this baby in our family.
Thank you, for tracking with us and for the phone calls and emails of concern. I am so grateful and I apologize for my lack of response but my most alert time these days is between midnight and 6am and I don't think yall love me that much for a surprise phone call!
****
As of now, there is an induction scheduled for Monday. I am also very hesitant to commit to this and not because of the reality that induction brings but because it really goes against all of my previous convictions. This is for a whole separate blog post that I am sure you will want to skip over again but once again, this pregnancy has forced me to let go of any slight ounce of control that I thought I once had over this new life. Goodness, could I be anymore vulnerable right now?

The little B man will be filling in while I am away. He is sure to bring you much more entertaining material. Some topics he has mentioned to me this week are 1) How cool it is to throw things in the diaper genie and make your mom find them. Stinky! 2) What babies really think when we turn on that obnoxiously loud sound machine 3) How to roam around the house quietly and not make a sound when your mom calls you in order to then send her into premature labor from the sudden increased blood pressure, and, lastly, 4) Why everything looks like a "duck" to a one year old. Cool stuff.....be sure to check in while I'm away.

Why you read the blog anyway

I know it has nothing to do with the creative ability of the author and though I wish it were due to the warm fuzzies you feel all day after you click away to the next blog - I know that isn't the truth either (atleast not recently.) So, here you go, a few of the big brother to be....
Sidenote: Big brother! I can't even type the letters without losing it. How can this little baby be a big brother to a person that is even more of a baby? Please help me to continue to savor each step with this sweet boy and not get too caught up in the day to day "care" that is required for two under two! Please please please.

Hey, yes, I'm ready for my mom to have this baby, too, and be fun again. I'll call you when it happens. Okay? Bye.

My favorite face that my mom just doesn't understand.
Playing with my favorite "Too-too" train.
A picture of my mom at 39 weeks pregnant.
Just kidding! She considered posting it and then realized there was no angle that portrayed anything but big, pudgy, and uncomfortable!

Still here

Here are a few not-so-tall tales from our weekend. I'll be brief (or maybe not since I literally have NOTHING else to do but deliver a person to the world. Literally, there are no more frivolous things I can put on a to-do list at this point. I've brushed the dogs' teeth, wiped down the window sills, and, rewashed every piece of newborn clothing just to keep the Dreft smell fresh on the laundry. Therefore, I will pass this precious time that I could be growing a newborn outside of the womb and getting back to some kind of normal by comically looking at the weekends' adventures.)

Let's just say this.....we would have made a great sitcom this weekend.

Saturday we had made no plans because we all had the same premonition - that we would be lounging at Northside hospital enjoying an Einstein bagel (because we both can't wait for someone to bring us Einsteins in the morning....just like our experience with the first born. Yes, it's the little things!) Because we weren't at the hospital and we weren't having a baby we tried to act as if everything was as normal as it should have been. We finally made it to our vacation home, aka - my parents house - in Marietta, Before heading to the pool we put B down for a nap in his crib in their house. He has it better over there than he does in his own house, mind you. We shut the door and went away as usual, knowing that after 15 minutes of baby babble we could expect a good/long afternoon nap. Brad and I headed to the back porch to soak in the sun we were missing while we left B to (hopefully) sleep. I'll admit - we let 30 minutes go by before we went to make sure the little guy was asleep only to find we were locked outside. All the while, I had been counting contractions on the back patio and joking with my laid back husband about how humorous it would be if labor finally began when we were now 40 minutes away and in bathing suits. Panic set in and though I was trying to act calm, my legs were shaking, my heart was racing, and for some reason the contractions seemed to come stronger. Brad starts stating the obvious....my parents are an hour away, they aren't answering their phone, our keys are in the house, all the while Brooks could be swinging from the curtains (luckily, that was our one peace of mind - that we knew he was in the crib and though he may not be happy he couldn't get anywhere!) Of course the 95 degree heat added to the (now laughable) moment. Anyway, mom finally called us back and asked if we had tried a credit card to get into the door - it's now been 45 minutes and for some reason the good ole' fashion robbery trick hadn't crossed our minds. My parents house may have a super duper alarm and seem impossible to enter to the average intruder but give Brad a credit card and we are professional burglars! In one swipe we were in the door and bolting up the stairs to see the little man talking from his crib. I have never wanted to see my baby's face so bad in my life! I am so thankful for those plastic cards that usually just get me in trouble!

Saturday night we did the unthinkable when you are 39 weeks pregnant. We were offered to go see the Braves play the Cubs with some new friends. We had been wanting a date night and we had both been hoping to see a Braves game before the baby arrived and I needed to try the spicy food trick so this allowed us to check yet three more things off our list (no wonder the baby hasn't come yet....the list never goes away!) Mom offered B to spend the night (and promised she wouldn't lock him in the house alone like we did) so we were off without the little guy and with some major adrenaline! Brad wore jeans and a long sleeve shirt. I love him to pieces so this is why I add this unnecessary detail. Who, but my fashionable husband wears their football tailgate gear to a summer Braves game? Also, he had lost his iphone earlier that day and he had the jitters all the way to downtown Atlanta. I didn't know someone could have such cell phone withdrawal but he certainly proved me wrong. Anyway, we ate tons of our favorite spicy food at Taqueria Del Sol and then headed to the Ted where we decided that we would name this boy Hank or Ted if labor should begin that night.
Of course while we were sitting in traffic to park this stubborn (yet lovable) little guy started acting up like he hadn't before. My legs began shaking and I was really loopy and unable to focus. So of course I began thinking the worst....woman delivers baby in back of new friends 4Runner on Capitol Avenue. Woman delivers baby in the parking lot at the Braves game while eating boiled peanuts and doing the tomahawk chop. But really what was worse for me because of my personality was - woman embarrasses herself in front of her new fun friends as she apparently pees in her pants on the way to the braves game (don't you think "water breaking" could easily be construed as wetting my pants?)
The power of the stork was with us once again as we made it to our prime parking spot (valet I might add) and headed into the stadium only 5 innings late. During our walk to our seat I was looking for any trusting person that I might need to grab to deliver my baby while also calculating the quickest and least embarrassing exit for when I would be waddle-running out of there in the next hour as I was the most sure I had been that things were happening in the womb.
I spent 3 innings pacing the hallway of the Diamond level, counting contractions and smiling at the passer byer's who looked at me as if i had stolen something. I tried to make as many friends as possible just in case I burst into crazy-birthing-woman mode and needed some consoling. But alas, we left the game early - wtih me still convinced that this was it.....this was the night - and we made it home with no story, no baby, and only a little embarrassment from the drama I had caused.

So yesterday, I won't lie. I was a little perturbed. In lieu of focusing on the negative, I will just skip to today and assure you that today is better. We've located Brad's beloved 2nd wife - the iphone - it slept on my parents porch over night in the rain. Awesome. I got the most sleep I've had in a week and I almost feel a little hungover from the excess Z's. Oh, and I was awakened mid slumber by the man who sleeps with me (but isn't allowed to touch me ever again) because he claims I was screaming in my sleep. Thank you, Ambien.

Can we please just get on with this little shin-dig, Mr. Stork? We both feel like so much is on hold as we all anxiously await this event. I am ready to see this little boy and love on him like he so deserves! He sure has been pushed around and sat on (literally) for 10 months now and I am sure he knows our words towards him aren't always filled with excitement and joy. I just want him to get here already so I can assure him that he is supposed to be here at this perfect time because thankfully, we know and believe God is the author of our stories.

And that is how I will conclude. God, I am so very thankful that you know this little man's birth date and that you know the exact role he will have in our family and on this earth. This has been a long road for us but I have felt You pull me to my knees in order to slowly open my fingers to Your perfect story for me. I am ashamed at my constant desire to rip the paintbrush from your hands and paint this segment of the picture but I am so grateful that You don't let me have my way. It is humbling to think that You knew exactly what You were doing 10 months ago and You knew the end result would be a more humbled, less controlling, more pliable woman with a heart that belongs to You (and a body that belongs to Northside hospital.)

A list

This may be my most favorite list I have ever created - tied closely with my running list of things I want in case anyone ever wants to know what I want....... selfless, huh?
I salivated for an hour this morning as I walked around the neighborhood by myself dreaming up this most perfect list. Allow me to indulge myself for a few short minutes without any guilt because none of these items benefit anyone but me.

THINGS I WILL DO WHEN I AM NOT PREGNANT:
1) Toss the newborn to husband as I cross the threshold of our house and jump right on our soft bed ON MY STOMACH!
2) Wear my beloved tall shoes again everyday - everywhere! I haven't given them up because of comfort and my lack of balance but rather because I can't get around my stomach to strap them on.
3) Become an alcoholic.
4) I'm kidding about the above but for someone who doesn't normally drink I sure do crave the burn of a beer or margarita whenever I am carrying another human under my shirt.
5) Finish a work out.
6) Buy short shorts to wear even though summer time is almost over (and assuming the cellulite on the back of my legs has disappeared)
7) Slow dance with my husband. Slow dancing just isn't slow dancing when you are two feet away from your sweetie.
8) Train to run a half marathon or some other physical challenge that allows me to achieve some goals along the way.
9) THROW AWAY THE TUMS!
10) Take pictures of myself again
11) Sleep alone. I think this may be the only solution to my pregnancy ailment that I seem to come down with every year.
12) Just to reiterate......I will stay away from the older boy in my house! I will try my hardest not to even smell the clean smell on his neck in the morning that I so love because even that closeness would probably get me pregnant.
13) I won't ask for back rubs.
14) I WILL eat sushi the day after birth, a turkey sandwich the next day, a bowl of feta cheese for dinner that night (all followed by a beer) and to top it off - I'll enjoy a double shot espresso each morning from Starbucks. And I won't feel any guilt (because it's not like I've necessarily cut these things out during pregnancy....I just feel bad about my destruction the rest of the day and the guilt isn't worth the indulgence) Oh, I can't wait!
15) I will sleep like a baby. I know many of you are wanting to correct me on this one. Go ahead......but this pregnancy has proved to me that I am not good at being pregnant and sleeping. I would much rather 2-3 hard hours of intermittent sleep for 8-12 weeks than no sleep at all!
16) I will sing "head, shoulders, knees, and toes" with Brooks and actually do the motions successfully.
17) I WILL PLAN A GIRLS TRIP AWAY WITH NO BABIES. We will giggle, drink wine, dance if we want to, sleep late, eat yummy food, lounge in our pajamas, watch movies, and talk about celebrities and shoes. I am so excited to feel like a girl again and not just a breeder.
18) I will go on date nights with my husband (though not get too close) at a later hour than 5pm knowing that I may not actually be tired at 7:30pm.
19) I'll actually be able to do the downward dog in pilates.
20) I WILL WATCH MY THREE BOYS AND ENJOY THE BEAUTIFUL STORY THE LORD HAS WRITTEN FOR ME AND ENJOY THE PRECIOUS MOMENTS THAT HE HAS GIVEN TO US.....all without burping, itching, crying, eating tums, running to the bathroom, and waddling from place to place.

Soon enough, my friends.....soon enough!

And, I quote....

Gosh, I like having babies. It's so relaxing. I am sitting here in a recliner watching my baby on a monitor and I'm not at work. This is great. Let's do this. I am ready to have a baby.
-The husband while at the doctor this morning for what would end up being a very delightful "date" only to find out the baby is comfortable for a little while longer - despite the worst pains I've ever known

And a bit earlier...

I should be like a professional husband to pregnant women. {I then give a funny look from across the table where the baby was being monitored} I mean, not because I am good or anything {he looks at me to refute this statement} but because I can read that monitor well. Look, here comes a small contraction.

I love that I married a funny guy. There's nothing like shaking the monitor off my belly laughing at his cute confidence this morning on our surprise trip to the doctor!

Tick-tock, tick-tock

Every aspect of our days these days seems to revolve around the progression of the clock. I seriously abhor living under this self-induced pressure.
This weekend I enjoyed a total of 3 hours of sleep in 3 days. The clock seemed to follow me through out the night reminding me of the sleep I was foregoing in lieu of.....well, nothing! And more so, reminding me of the few hours left until the B-man would be wanting to play. Eventually Sunday night I turned my phone off and covered the clocks with tape and I did get a few more hours of sleep that night! (Praise the laundry! Yes, I said laundry.....last night I texted a friend and told her to wait in the "laundry's timing"....aka - the Lord's.) Really, were there no clock to remind me of what I should have been doing I probably could have enjoyed a book or a bath (for the 4th time) or a warm glass of milk as so many people including my doctor suggested but, unfortunately, when the clock says 3:37am for the 3rd night in a row and my little brain still hadn't shut down - there was nothing on this planet that I would have enjoyed - not even my favorite meal of crab cakes on a remote island with someone massaging my back and singing me Norah Jones. Nothing.

This all started when the doctor started the baby clock last week. Before Wednesday I was not ready for a baby and I had no reason to believe the baby was ready for me. I went to the doctor as I mentioned in a previous post feeling like a rockstar - with no worry in the world. I would have been fine not knowing (or not having the confirmation because I can't deny a baby is about to come out) that my body was getting ready for a baby sooner than I had thought. The doctor said all the signs were there and he would predict sooner than later. I still have two weeks to go but ever since that horrific doctors appointment the whole world seems to be antsy for this baby to come out or so it seems. I know everyone doesn't revolve around this baby's schedule but I promise, everyone close to us is watching the clock, too. My mom is nesting as if she is about to go into labor. Her house has been cleaned 3 times in a week I think and no one lives there to mess it up! Brooks has started putting away his toys for some weird reason and I don't think it's because he is that sweet or smart. He must know he is about to have to share for the rest of his life in our house and he is being overly protective with his things. Amos cleans the floor hourly for us whether or not there is a crumb on the ground and he doesn't want to move off his couch for anything - that could be the heat but I too, think he overheard the news of last Wednesday and is ready to "do this" as Brad says.

Admittedly, he didn't say he thought the baby would come the next day -he just didn't think I'd make my due date but nonetheless, everyone has been scurrying. You would have thought I was possessed the way I was straightening and disinfecting this past Saturday. Brad eventually took B and said he'd back later with no destination in sight...he just knew I'd start picking at him and cleaning behind his ears if he didn't make the exit. I finally gave up on having everything clean and ready and after one good night of sleep last night I have sort of forgotten about the baby's birthday - I know he'll come when he is ready and I know it will be the perfect time. In the mean time, I have enjoyed taking B on our last few dates together where it is just us....and I think he has enjoyed it, too. He has been treated to some fancy (non cereal bar (the usual)) lunches. Thanks, dad, for your hard work so B and I can enjoy some fancy lunches together. It's worth it....I promise!

And then there's the B-man and his non-clock. He doesn't care about the time in the least. Yesterday I finally shut my eyes and actually fell asleep for maybe 3 minutes in the afternoon when he decided it was time to play with mom. Oh little buddy, don't you know your mom is soooooooo tired? I love our dates together these days more than anything but I do need a little R&R after 5 hours of straight play. And again today after tricking me into thinking he was ready for one long nap after a lunch play date with his best buds - John Quincy and Whit - he sang his fight song from his crib (which, if you recall sounds like the fog horn in the background of the world cup) for nearly 40 minutes before I conceded and waived the white flag. I promise he is the best indicator of labor because he knows things are about to change and before that change happens he wants his face time with mom and dad! The funny thing is that if I ask him if he is ready for a nap he walks to the stairs, goes to his room, turns on his sound machine and stares at me like I am the slow poke waddling up the stairs with a basketball in my dress. Then I put him down and he talks from his bed as if he is telling me that it is not really time for a nap because - as he has assured me - he has no concept of time and would rather me not have him revolving around a clock. Atleast he is good entertainment.......

So, we are waiting. It's August 3rd and ideally I would love an even numbered birthday. Not because there are even numbers anywhere in my life....my birth date, address, and phone number are all quite the opposite BUT for some reason it is in my head that this baby will start his life with a pretty number - like 8/6/10. How soothing? Or 8/8/10? How memorable. Now, 8/9/10 could be cool but I would bet the hospital would be full of crazies that day who have happened to "schedule" their induction or have pushed themselves to the hospital begging for a cool birthday for their beloved child. I'd rather stay away from the hospital on a day like that.

And thankfully, I truly am at rest today. After what i would classify as the three loneliest, worst nights of my life - I have found a calm that I haven't felt in awhile. My heart is at ease knowing that my moments with Brooks only are dwindling and that soon everything will change -for the better of course. Now, if everyone else around me could just settle down a little bit and stop asking me to have the baby around their schedule than I might really settle down and that is just when I'm sure something will happen.
*****
P.S. - Who is this Braxton Hick man anyway? He sure does drag this game out an for unnecessary amount of time.
*****
While the clock is ticking here is how we've been passing the time....
Watching dad as he drives away in the morning and then looking out the window all day for him to come home.
Eating Yoforia yogurt and mochi every-single-night.(Go ahead, think to yourself - man, she is about to deliver twins! I've been told that many times lately. Nothing I can do about the balloon body shape at this point but soak it up!
Rotting our teeth all in the name of some quiet (lack of the fog horn sound) in the car.