Desperate

{Skip to the post below for pictures and light hearted reading material. Skip to here to look at the shoes I am loving these days. Skip to here to see what looks sooo yummy to me right this second. Skip to here for some laughs.}

Editor's note: This will be brief and a little too honest.
I am worn down. I am really really worn down and maybe even falling apart at the seams. These last 16 days have truly been one of the hardest seasons I have walked through because in the end, I have been stripped of any inkling of control that I once maintained. And though this is refreshing overall - it is surely exhausting during the process. This baby, but more so, this bothersome mind of mine has kept me awake for nights in a row. And not just, I'm awake off and on but like, I see every hour and literally do not find any rest. I have an entire new appreciation for people who deal with insomnia on a regular basis and I pray with everything in me that the delivery of this baby also delivers me from this lack of sleep. I'm not thinking about anything at 2, 3 and 6 am - just thinking about how desperately I want to sleep which as I have learned only makes it worse. I think that before this two week episode of pre-labor signs I always thought I could control my sleep and the way my body felt- go to bed when I want and wake up (for most of my life with no alarm) when needed, exercise when I needed some energy and rest if I needed that more......Clearly, I have been proven so wrong.

The baby is not here. I promise you would know and so would the rest of the internet because that is how news travels these days. I will never again (though I never have) ask a very pregnant woman why her baby has not come yet. I know it sounds crazy but I have felt so defeated this week when asked this question as if I have had something to do with this upcoming birthday. Once again, maybe somewhere deep down I did think I could control this monumental date. Well, I'm getting my first wish...that this baby would stay put for as long as possible so that I could enjoy our firstborn for that much longer. Yes, God, I concede, I can not control or "will" this baby's timing and the fact that he hasn't come yet doesn't mean you love me any less or have forgotten about me. It's crazy but at times this week I have honestly thought - "ummm, someone up there forgot I was pregnant!"
So, yes, I am extremely desperate for physical and mental rest but I am more desperate for surrender and that is just what I think I did last night in the quiet of the night with just the street light following me as I paced around. God, I cried out to You surrendering the details and the timing of this birth to You. Brad pleaded with You as well to give me the rest I need and to carry us through these final days. And as desperate as I am for just a few hours of rest and a little peace for my mind - I was so grateful last night to have a companion to fight for me in the middle of the night. I was reminded that even this birth has greater impact and purpose than what I can even see. These last few weeks have certainly brought our family together in a way that nothing else has yet to have the power to do. I may be delirious today. My eyes may throb incessantly. My entire body may ache and be ready for relief but I am so assured of the Lord's plan for this baby in our family.
Thank you, for tracking with us and for the phone calls and emails of concern. I am so grateful and I apologize for my lack of response but my most alert time these days is between midnight and 6am and I don't think yall love me that much for a surprise phone call!
****
As of now, there is an induction scheduled for Monday. I am also very hesitant to commit to this and not because of the reality that induction brings but because it really goes against all of my previous convictions. This is for a whole separate blog post that I am sure you will want to skip over again but once again, this pregnancy has forced me to let go of any slight ounce of control that I thought I once had over this new life. Goodness, could I be anymore vulnerable right now?

The little B man will be filling in while I am away. He is sure to bring you much more entertaining material. Some topics he has mentioned to me this week are 1) How cool it is to throw things in the diaper genie and make your mom find them. Stinky! 2) What babies really think when we turn on that obnoxiously loud sound machine 3) How to roam around the house quietly and not make a sound when your mom calls you in order to then send her into premature labor from the sudden increased blood pressure, and, lastly, 4) Why everything looks like a "duck" to a one year old. Cool stuff.....be sure to check in while I'm away.