My kind of morning

I probably shouldn't be so honest on this thing this morning. The theme of my next 10 days is "Betsy needs a new job and she needs to find it NOW. " But today, or at least just this morning, I am not letting this week's motto control me. I won't bore you with the nitty gritty of how I actually arrived at the place where this "theme" became appropriate. Let's just say that God is doing something and for one of the first times that I can remember - I haven't a clue what it is. Not a hint. So, for just this morning I decided not to pinch myself and be reminded of the reality that is lurking all around me. Instead I am reading. Instead I am eating Lucky Charms and picking out the marshmallows like I did when I was in middle school (I always blamed it on my brothers though.) Instead I am not turning on my email (yet) and I am not brainstorming the "next thing."

I ordered a book last week that I have been so anxious about since I hit the PLACE ORDER button. You see, for some reason this season of life and by that I don't mean this "married" season of life or this yet again "unemployed" season of life. I just mean this place where I seem to have been for quite some time and it was not derived from any certain happening or event but rather a place mentally and spiritually where I just seem to be watching. Or maybe trying to watch but still wandering how what I am watching has to do with me. It's like I am being steered but I don't even know it and for those of you that know me well - this rarely happens. Well, this "place" has afforded me little time or desire to read. Until last week. Maybe it is just a healthy form of escape? Anyway you have it - I literally have been stalking 1-800-FEDEX until my little brown package arrived yesterday. I even paid the extra dollars (which is not the wisest choice given my employment status) to get my book a few days early. It's not that the particular title of the book has me all giddy...it does, but really it is just the state of mind that reading or writing or listening to Motown music does to me. It does the same thing to you I am sure. It momentarily allows me to be in a still, rich place. Rich with imagination and dreams and lacking any threat of reality. A place of only colorfully shaped marshmallows and no toasted oats.

Brad took Amos to the salon for the day so I am here. Alone. And fully quiet for the first time in a long time. And though every 6th minute the ugly guy on my shoulder starts telling me that the clock is ticking and that I am missing out if I am not thinking, stirring, contacting, engaging, perfecting, emailing or submitting....I continue to ignore his jabs and just turn the pages to my new book. In silence. In splendor. And though I am not sure where God is leading I am just thrilled that He is leading. I haven't a clue where I would turn this ship right now if it were only up to me. I am aware of the strengths that God has put inside of me. I know that I am part of a story and therefore, He will use me. I just can't see where and when and how. For now, I am okay with that. I ran into an old acquaintance last week after a good workout. It has been several years since I had seen her. I am not sure of her belief system and that doesn't matter anyway. She sensed my frustration over my search for my sweet spot. She told me to pray when I got in the car and then continuously for the passion and desire for something specific. Ironically, I had began asking for that a week prior but what a perfect reminder. It is true. God gives me the desires of my heart. Not meaning He gives me the things that I desire but He gives me desires for things. What a relief! I can not seem to stir up any desire out of my own might but yet I am confident that in His time - God will place big heavy lofty dreams on my heart that I just can't shake. I can't wait to be in that place where I lie awake just waiting for the morning so I can straddle my desires and follow them. I can't wait shed tears over the triumphs and challenges that come with putting my heart to something.

I have been reading in 2 Corinthians for quite some time now. Often with intensity but little excitement and sometimes out of habit. This week the words have really come alive to me and not because they are well known. In the 4th chapter it says "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal." Paul reminds me that these troubles (which I feel silly even calling them troubles) are LIGHT and MOMENTARY. Of course it is human nature to evaluate through the lens of what we see and what we know. But there is so much more. These "feelings" (not troubles) are ultimately small and inconsequential but in God's economy they are still ACHIEVING for Him. I can't believe that anything that I am a part of right now is ACHIEVING anything but yet God doesn't work that way. He uses everything for His good. Even little things. And, the 2nd part....how it encourages me. I want to fix my eyes. I want to focus my eyes and not let them move. I want them to be still and not distracted. I want to fix them on the things around me that are unseen yet they are felt. The admiration I have for my brother and for his fight for faith. The joy I have when I watch Brad interact with my dad. The peace I have when I sit with my mom at the pool and just soak in her presence. The excitement I feel when I anticipate a deep conversation with a dear friend. The comfort that I feel knowing that God is showing Himself to so many through the death of my friend Megan. The certainty that comes when God closes one door knowing that He is preparing to open another. Those are the unseen - eternal things. Those are the things that I want my eyes to be so focused on.

So what a better way to spend this morning than to praise God for this unknown place.