Ultimately, it's our decision

I can't resist posting what I am about to post (below) today. I saw one of those movies this weekend that always does it to me. I try to act unaffected and cool around Brad. As if I can watch 120 minutes of gory violence and dirty words but I just can't. I never could and I guess I never will. And finally maybe I am okay to admit that. My heart has been bought at a high price and I pray daily that it would be protected from the darkness in the world. My heart has the ability to see good in most things and for that reason my heart is what brings me life but it is also what can truly let me down when it is surprised by all the yucky stuff that this world does have to offer. So I come away from a movie like "Wanted" and all I can see is hurting and sickness and death all around me. I couldn't sleep last night. I was in the middle of those recurring nightmares where all of the worst stuff you have heard or seen lately plays out. And this is why I can't go to movies. Yes, I fall asleep on Brad's shoulder, too, but namely it is because my heart is so affected. It literally hurts afterwards. I sat on the couch with Brad after just thinking up every terrible thing that might happen this week. Brad offered to leave after 10 minutes because he knows me better than I know myself. He knows my heart is fragile. I thought I could handle. I couldn't. There was a 5 year old boy in the theatre and that is what kills me. Had Brad not made me walk right out I would have asked the father why he thought his little son should see that. I would have offered to babysit next time.

Anyway, I wake up today after a sleepless night ready to expose my eyes and ears to beautiful things to sort of wash out the guns, blood, and profanity. After spending some time journaling I read my email and my first email update was from Megan's mom.
I feel so selfish to even talk about the impact that her updates have made on me personally. Here, her daughter is slowly leaving this world day by day and somehow amid the sorrow I feel for her and her family and dear friends, my heart is able to be restored. It is able to see and feel beauty again. Every single time.
Their family is truly right in the center of what most would say is a tragedy and I know for a long time it may look that way to many but I can not fathom the redemption that has come to so many just by being exposed to this one family's perspective. It's like God is making this story beautiful and perfect right before our very eyes. Today's entry from Megan's mom was bold. But just like the rest of the world is bold....bold with violence....bold with criticism....bold with greed....I am so thankful that someone chooses to be this bold with the most liberating and redeeming truth that is out there. There is no other single decision in this world that will bring you more joy, more freedom, more wealth, more fame, more peace, and more beauty than this.

47 June 30, 2008 at 10:25 PM EDT
June 30, 2008

A year ago yesterday Mike and I took Megan to Emory to meet with her doctor and hear the findings of all the testing that was done. And they did everything known possible – as he said “it was as though a war team hit her”. Megan looked beautiful that day, wearing a brown top and brown and pink skirt and new brown flats. She was invited to go with an assistant while our doctor gave us the confirmed findings that none of us wanted to hear. The diagnosis of CJD was correct except for her age and that just did not make sense. It would be two months later when more blood would be sent to Cleveland confirming that it was in fact, a particular, extremely rare variant that did affect younger people – one in 150 billion. Jim gave us the facts in a soft, matter of fact way that said, “Don’t interrupt - just let me get this out before I fall on the floor and cry.” Neither Mike nor I cried which I think a little odd. We asked stupid questions and went through the motions of pretending alertness when all alarms were shattering our hearts and piercing our brains with information too painful to take in. So we left and went to Murphy’s , Megan’s favorite restaurant, and tried to pretend normal.

Today, one year later, Megan still looks beautiful, just sleepy. Her brown eyes seem to be looking at something beyond our walls. She has slipped away but oh, so gradually and refined and gentle. I can confidently say that we are grateful for a year with Megan and wonder at God’s plan.

Much of my wondering is done when I walk and today my power walk with Bodey, our black lab, turned into a Power walk with God. Even though it was short, I returned home fresh and strong, feeling like I needed to say a few specific things to honor God before my weekly care pages come to an end. You see, a friend reminded me that she is always hearing of new people reading Megan’s Update. What started as a convenient way to tell family and friends about Megan has turned into something that seems to have a mind of its own. I said “But there is not much new news about Megan and what I write about is not a new story. It is an old, familiar story of pain and suffering with a theme weaving through our lives in miraculous ways, always returning to the Cross of Christ”. And as so many wait and watch for Megan to leave this life, I think she would want all who are watching her to know in their own heart and mind without a shadow of doubt that they too have received the gift of salvation and have a place in Heaven reserved with their name on it. It is often called “the invitation”.
I remember something called The Four Spiritual Laws that I learned growing up. Just as there are physical laws that govern the world, there are spiritual laws that govern our relationship with God. I am confident Megan understood and abided by these principles. I will just list them and you can find the references – many are so familiar.

Law 1 – God loves us and offers a wonderful plan for our life. John 3:16, John 10:10

Law 2 – Man is sinful and separate even though we were originally created to be in a loving relationship with God. Romans 3:23, Romans 6:23

Law 3 – Jesus Christ is God’s provision for man’s sin. He died, rose, and is the only way to God. Romans 5:8, 1 Corinthians 15:3-5, John 14:6

Law 4 – We must individually receive Christ as Lord of our lives – it is not by lottery or committee. It is done by an act of the heart’s will to trust in a prayer of faith. John 1:12, Ephesians 2:8-9, John 3:1-8, Revelation 3:20

Interestingly, Megan’s last journal entry was based on the first law – trusting God for his plan because it was good. And I believe that if she were to pray today it would be a prayer that many would come to know for themselves her Lord and Savior and that He has a plan and it is always good.

She would have wanted you to know the source of her joy. And then it would be your decision.