Connect the dots, la la la la

I enjoy watching the details of a story unfold. Whether it is a story I am reading or a story I am watching or even my story I like to see how the main character ends up somewhere by what most would call random circumstance. I call it divine intervention but whatever you call it - it makes a story good. Often in your own story though it is hard to see that any of the previous dots have anything to do with the most current dots.

This morning I received a really cool message from someone whom I wish I could say was a dear friend because I think it could be a rich friendship but he is probably more of a really neat auaintence. Then again - I recall a few insightful/more than aquaintance type conversations and even a sweet Christmas card one year of him and his large family. So if he'd have it - we are friends. Anyway, the message pointed back to a post on the "old blog." If ever I go back to visit the old blog I do so hesitantly. The old blog is full of mishaps and follys and confessions galore. Basically, it was me....wrapped up in all the mess that I found I was over those crucial and favorite 4 years in between college and marriage. I was a little shocked to read that a friend had recently read the old blog just because I thought like me, the old blog was a thing of the past. More so, I've had this growing feeling that I don't write the way I used to. I hope this doesn't sound vain but I used to really enjoy my writing because the words just seemed to vividly describe how I was feeling or what was going on. Lately or in this latest season of life, the words seem to tell more about circumstance than about the "color or smell or flavor" of the circumstance. I don't really know what is different but nonetheless, I loved reading the old blog this morning in trying to find the post that the kind gentelman mentioned. I loved writing then!

But what I read was a little disturbing. It is now late into the 8th year of the new millenium... a full year and then some past the time of the original post. My name has changed, my job title has changed one, two, three, four times! My address changed. I have a four legged friend and a husband but my heart.....this is the hardest part....my heart seems to still be stuck. God has certainly brought insight and perspective in the last 15 months but overall - still stuck. And, the stuckness still relates to my "calling." I am just a hopeless romantic at heart when it comes to our "sweet spot" and I think there is one for everyone. Everyone in every city in every state has a place where they can feel most used and most valuable right? Amid the woes of the economy crumbling I still want to believe that there are vocations out there for every single type of person. The most frustrating thing, still, is I just don't know how I was created to be used. More so, I am still in denial that my five years in the corporate world were all in vain. And that is where I believe in dots. I know my "dots" made during my years at HomeBanc and even the 3 dots I have made since all connect in some way foreign to me. The problem is that I probably want them to connect and make a vivid and clear picture. You know....it was obvious. But the one thing I do know about the next dot is that it has more to do with my inactivity than my success in finding the dot. That's just it for me. I have this strange lurking feeling that God really isn't concerned about my next job title but He is more concerned with the condition of my heart when I get there. He is also more concerned about the fame He can receive from writing a story that didn't seem likely and that you couldn't have guessed the outcome. He want's to get all the kudos and accolades for the journey He has had me on for the last 25 months now. Yes, I know, September of '06 is the first time I recall feeling God's hand in my life. That is when He started reidentifying me and telling me who I really am...not who I think I am. Not a sales girl in a business suit with too many things to do and people to see to notice the people all around me. Not the single socialite just dying to host the next party. Not a daughter who holds on to things from the past but a daughter who is able to love fully because she has been loved fully. And not some girl that spends her whole life waiting to "arrive" but someone who realizes there is really nowhere to arrive to because things are ever changing and God is ever growing us.

I still don't know where the next dot is and someday's I get really frustrated that I am still here, stuck and waiting. But today like in my old post - I am choosing to embrace the here and now. I choose to embrace the meetings I have today. Maybe they really aren't about the product I am selling but more so about a connection with another person that may be a part of the next dot.