4am already??? HELP!

My sweet email reminding me kindly that I am pregnant just arrived. Gosh, I had almost forgotten. It tells me today that in the 34th week the alien in my stomach with a constant hip in my rib cage and foot on my bladder is now the size of "your average cantaloupe." Why, thank you Babycenter for the perfect picture of the little guy. I think they have their melon's mixed up because I am sure "watermelon" is the better term. Officially this week this thing has taken over my life. My sleep cuts short nightly around 4am with the first punch to the ribs. Then after a few "stop drop and rolls" in the belly he settles. I turn sides and he wakes up again and starts playing kickball to my bladder. After the third night of this I finally got out of bed last night and moved to the couch. Sweet Amos followed me into the other room and laid at my feet just wondering what I was up to at the odd hour. Falling back asleep isn't an option. Once I am a week the endless "To-Get-Done" list swarms my head. Learn how to breathe, address thank you notes, find a pediatrician, remember to breathe (literally. Can Babycenter send me an email reminder about this too? I need it right now), locate Cadbury milk chocolate eggs that are left over from Easter because they are my favorite and they are seasonal (this is truly what the line on the list reads). Now, I know this sounds ludicrous but truly at 4:43am this morning I was scouring the internet to find a way to order them. It's not that I am even craving them at the wee hours.... It is more that I become OBSESSED with taking care of things and this seemed like a thing I could actually tackle. Other things to note that make their way onto the margins of my list: finish BabyWise book, find a "push" present for Brad (he deserves one too right?), clean base boards in the condo, buy a mattress for the babys crib (this one is essential and Brad says needs to take priority), paint toes and keep them pretty and painted just in case (a girls gotta have pretty toes if that is what you get to look at during the laboring hours, right?), go to lunch with girls (as if I won't get to do anything at all once baby arrives.....), take Amos to dog park, clean out t-shirt drawer, make sure car seat clips in car easily (you can't leave the hospital unless you have done this first) and the list goes on and on and never ever seems to get any shorter no matter the piddling around town I do during the day. All the while, 3pm comes and I am a zombie! We are now operating on 5.5 hours in the last two nights together and really, I fear going to sleep tonight foreseeing that this pattern has just begun. I shouldn't be surprised....Babycenter's email today told me to expect fatigue. Thank you again. I am glad I have some cyber friend in this with me reminding me just how lovely all of these feelings are and when they will be coming.

So maybe that sounded like a pity party. It isn't. I am just sooo tired that I can't think straight and I know it is only going to get worse from here. Atleast in a month or so I'll have a buddy to stare at me in the middle of the night when other people think sleep is best. And I know then that I will have forgotten about all of these crazy pregnancy phases. I know then that the joy of seeing a real life that grew inside of me is just going to blow me away. Really, It seems like I am preparing for someone to break my heart - and that in itself is exhausting. This little thing that kicks and hiccups and punches and has me staring at the ceiling at nights is going to absolutely rob me of any pride or selfishness that lives in my body. He is going to truly break my heart into little bitty baby pieces for the good. Any "wall" I may have been maintaining is sure to be shattered as I watch the innocence and dependence of this little boy stare up at me with deep, wondering eyes. Maybe that is my problem right now.....I am rebelling against this foreseen "heartbreak." I am trying with all my might to be tough and to go-go-go and to do-do-do before baby comes and sweeps me off my feet. And just as I resist the apparent changes God continues to push things out of my heart to make room for a little 7lb(we hope) bundle of boy. My priorities seem to be shifting whether or not I like it one bit. My body is not my own and I can finally no longer fight that and as sure as I try to with a workout or a fast walk the baby wins and hits me with a body slam to the bladder. So, yes, I sound confused. I am wildly crazy about the little guy already and I just know that his coming is going to totally change me and the way I see anything...forever. And though ultimately I welcome these changes.....of course there is a little of me that is just fighting and fighting until the exhaustion sets in and I just can't fight anymore. I am taking a nap - or maybe just staring at the ceiling but nonetheless, the "to-do" list can wait. My baby and my body needs a break.