The little "bug" is now almost a whopping two months old! I am finding myself asking the question every mother has told me I would ask...."Where does the time go?" I have tried my darndest to soak up all the little moments....his saintly little face as he sleeps, his bursts of unconscious crying while he pseudo-sleeps, his obnoxious hiccups precisely 16 minutes after he eats, his first toothless grin, and even the first explosive diaper....yep, I have truly tried to enjoy each and every new thing - knowing that the new things are only going to come more quickly as the weeks go by. But as hard as I may try the past two months still seem like quite a blur probably due to A) Inconsistent sleep patterns and/or B)so many changes all at once combined with the depletion of those lovely pregnancy hormones. Mark this on your calendars though, today I can confidently say that I can stand on my own two feet without a How-to-be-a-mom-guidebook at my side (thank goodness those mothering instincts eventually kick in as the crazy hormones exit stage left), without an extra large glass of highly caffeinated sweet tea in the other hand, without calling my mama at every unusual sound or grunt, and oh yes, without a box of tissues at hand!
Start the chorus! Strike up the band! I have been longing for this day (all the while trying not to wish the days away....hard task, I know.)
Yesterday I took myself on a much needed mini vacation to my parents house. This isn't the house I grew up in but it is the house where memories are stored and peace seems to grow just as easily as my mama's new herb garden in the back yard. Unfortunately the grandparents weren't there to visit with the little guy and me but it actually proved to be a wonderful thing. After some time in the sun (where I (gulp) accidentally sunburnt half of the bug's face - I know, I feel awful about it...) I headed back to my getaway house. I sat cozily in an over sized chair while the little man slept and I read and drank fresh tea and I wrote and I loved. I loved the quiet, I loved feeling that no one knew where I was (not that anyone was wondering), I loved watching the little one sleep, and I loved on myself. I didn't feel any guilt for not being productive or for not exercising before noon. I didn't write a to do list for the afternoon or even plan what I would make for dinner. I didn't answer my phone or feel the need to text anyone. I didn't turn on the computer to see what everyone else was doing. I just sat and enjoyed the sunshine through the window and the little bit of peace I offered myself. As you have read, often I am my own worst enemy but not on this day. On this day my heart started to feel free again. (I'm positive anytime I write such euphoric ideas as
my heart feeling free again you wonder where my heart has been and why I am so insistent on finding it and freeing it and you are probably wishing I would do it already and stop talking about it and just start posting pictures of the baby. It's a slow process. I am getting there but it is slow and gruelling so thank you for your patience while I am under construction.)
And with this freedom came a little bit of long awaited dreaming.
I dreamt of a complete makeover. No hair color changes or liposuction involved - but a full, all out makeover. I dreamt of making over my house. I am not necessarily calling in TLC or anything but I want to make my house a place of joy and serenity for my family. Our condo is pleasant and I will pat myself on the back for the quaint decor all done on a nonexistent budget but I envision something a little more inviting, a little more plump, a little more tasty for my family and our guests. I am excited to even have the energy and desire to dream this because I haven't really cared for many months now about the aura of our home. I want to have the type of home that my husband longs to come home to after a day at the office. I want our back door always to be open as neighborhood kids stop by for some perfectly made chocolate chip cookies. I want to create the kind of home that I don't feel like I need to "getaway" from every 6 weeks or so. It sure is easy when I am home all day to see our condo as a holding cell rather than a revolving door of serenity and happy things. But these type or renovations that I foresee really don't cost much at all....just a little letting go of my pride and opening my heart to love the way God designed me to do. Don't you just know when you walk into a house like the one I am describing that there have been years and years of small ounces of love poured into the relationships that were nurtured in the house. There are also dents and bangs and scrapes from the years of activity and lessons learned. So, naturally, I know this haven can not be created overnight but I want to atleast write down some plans for my home makeover.
1) Greet the husband at the door. Stop when Brad comes home. Stop cooking. Stop straightening. Stop playing with Brooks and greet Brad at the door. Before I was married I thought every women ran to the door when the person she pledged her life to walked through the entryway. Somewhere in between "I do" and "uh oh, I am pregnant" I have replaces this simple joy for much more mundane, less vulnerable tasks. I'll start today.
2) Don't cry over spilled milk. Literally. As you may or may not know (I never knew this before life with a baby) but milk from the breast (can I say that word on a G-rated blog?) is valuable valuable stuff...liquid gold they call it in the hospital. I won't go over the ins and outs of breastfeeding but just trust me - when you have extra - you treat it like fine china! So last week I spilt a whole lot of extra and literally found myself sobbing as I cleaned up the floor. It wasn't the end of the world. Our baby wouldn't starve but for some reason it just had me all in a tizzy. I know that life with a baby and maybe other babies in the future is going to be unpredictable. Things are going to spill. The couch will never be fully clean again. The dog is going to get mud on the floor but it is all okay. A lady told me recently that she now loves looking at the stain on her floor from her daughter experimenting her her makeup one day when she was a toddler. Her toddler is now 18 and she couldn't imagine removing that stain. Things are going to break and they are not always going to be perfect but a comfortable home doesn't care.
3) Use the china and the burn the candles! What a great gift to get a yummy scented candle with three wicks! You know, the big round ones that cost a fortune but warm a room so perfectly. I will stop looking at the candle and start burning it. And the china that so many of you gave us for our lovely commitment of marriage a year and a half ago - it is coming out of the box. A peanut butter and jelly sure looks inviting on a fancy plate and makes anyone feel special.
4)Give away the extra. My closet is a storehouse for a decade of fashion. I just can't part with my miniskirts from college and my first suits purchased for my first job. I'll never wear these items again but I have this thought that one day I will want that one striped shirt that I wore on my first interview and I would be crushed to have thrown it away. Blah blah blah...I have been saying this for years. Brad has offered to take a day off and organize my drawers....it's that bad. And sadly some of this stuff has tags on it. So if I haven't worn it, touched it, or used it in 6 months it is going to someone who will. I know in this economy there are countless stories of people who would value my unused stuff.
And just a few more.....
5) Chocolate chip cookies for any reason....temperature hit 100 degrees today....cookies! An old friend is stopping by to visit....cookies! Baby rolls over.....extra big cookies! I love a warm chocolate chip cookie for any occasion and I can't wait to bring back this old habit.
6)Daddy breakfast on Saturdays! This was actually Brad's idea but because I am such a control freak in the kitchen I have yet to give up my space for Brad's little experiment. Starting this Saturday I am ready to experience your new tradition Brad....bring on the pancakes! (Or Cinnamon Toast Crunch if I had to bet!)
7)Say no to text messages. I confess that this will be hard to break but I am just a little tired of textationships. I want to hear your voice and hear how things are really going for you..My stomach turns a little every time I decide to text someone my sentiments rather than just push the call button. You'll have to help me with this one but I think after a good few days away my fingers and my favorite people will thank me.
8)Be intentional. As I am typing Brooks is starting to wonder where he might eat dinner tonight. I need to go "be" with Brooks. I have certainly perfected the art of feeding, typing, texting and cooking all at once in these last 8 weeks but I am done.....I want to be present with Brooks when he is awake. I want to be present with Brad when he is home. I want to be present when I am writing and therefore, begin to enjoy it the way I used to. Be present, Betsy.
Off to play with the little bug. More to come on my makeover's.......there's alot of work to be done.....
*Firs thing is removing the music from the blog....there's just too much going on...and hopefully the next makeover will be a blog makeover. I just crave something clean and simple. Any suggestions????
