07.08.09

We had our first real date tonight. Brooks entertained mama-Nise and Uncle Carter while Brad and I hit up a few of our favorite pre-baby hotspots....the mall to people watch, the Frosty Caboose - an ice cream Paradise and Haven, a local favorite restaurant. We talked about a beach trip in the fall and how the bulldawgs might look this season. Brad bought me a little treat to wear during the hot summer days and we held hands and strolled through the stores like there was nothing at all abnormal about our date. But as you know....even an hour without an infant now seems abnormal but it is so refreshing!

With little Brooks being just that - so little - it is easy to revert to pre-baby thinking. I hate to admit that you can forget about your baby but if I am out doing normal, everyday things and Brooks happens to be asleep or with Brad or mama - I quickly forget that the whole birth thing ever happened. I only have a little of the tummy left to remind me that my belly was once occupied and there aren't yet toys to trip over as I am wondering about the condo doing normal things. Sometimes I'll even start to feel guilty that my pajamas are still on and it's almost lunch time...forgetting that I only had 5.5 hours of broken up sleep the night before. Or more so, I'll feel like I should have had the house cleaned and any chores complete before the afternoon begins.....forgetting that there is a dependent little human needing my attention throughout the day. And so it continues....the lack of grace that I was able to extend to myself before Brooks still inflicts guilt on me now. Yuck yuck yuck! I want so badly to feel like I "just had a baby" and thus give myself a little bit of a break to not be two steps ahead. It's funny how our personalities are just that - OUR personalities. As much as I try - I can't change me overnight. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and forget to do anything productive and maybe even leave everything a mess including myself - and then not think twice about it! I would need heavy sedation to be able to do this though....no way to "will" myself to not care.

But my prayer for myself and other new mamas or really, for anyone going through big changes - RELAX! I pray that I can rest in knowing that I am fulfilling the purposes God has given me right now just by loving on Brooks and changing his diaper. That seems a little too easy for me but I know that it is the most important thing that I can do right now. I wrote in my journal last week that I want to "be fully present with Brooks." It is easy to multi-task while I am tending to Brooks. I decided last week that if he was awake and we were spending time together that I would be fully present - not on the phone, not answering emails and not flipping the television. I know if there are ever other kids in the future this may not be a reality but today Brooks is my only concern and I want to give him all of my attention even though he may not even know better. Like I said, since it is easy to forget that I am actually a mom now because the baby doesn't respond to much more than his own gas - it is just as easy to think that my time with him doesn't really matter. It does though. It is my purpose today to love him fully and give him all of my attention when we are playing together throughout the day.

I was reading this morning a short verse from Proverbs. How fitting. In their hearts human beings plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps. I know that these steps have been made just for me at just this time and I am so grateful that my own plans don't always work out.....who knows where I'd be!

I love date nights! My head seems a little clearer and my heart a little more relaxed after.......