A little substance

I've been sort of whiny the last week and it is so annoying. You know when you catch yourself just throwing fits over things not going your way or life not being as easy as you had thought...or worse, not as easy as your neighbor's life or your coworkers life...yuck! I feel like a toddler just waiting for someone to listen to my cries and do something to shut me up. The timing is off too. A few weeks ago I "for real" dumped out all of the "this should make you sleep" medicine and just decided to face the music. The music was not pretty for several days as no doctor would ever recommend just stopping a medicine cold turkey but more so I had no idea that I would ever actually sleep. But how was I to know if the insomnia was any better without taking away the thing that had given me some sleep (and a host of many other unwanted things.) Well, just like a baby, after the 3rd sleepless night I fell beautifully asleep for the first time in the likes of a year! If you've been tracking with me you are probably wondering - did you turn flips in bed the next morning? Did you tell everyone you met the next day that YOU SLEPT! I mean, this sleep thing had taken over my life this year...you'd think a step in the right direction would have me throwing parties and writing books! And while I am ecstatic over my new skill - I, like a toddler, took the toy that was given me and then looked and saw a newer toy and wanted that one too. Brad is good for me in this case because he reminds me that this is a lesson in baby steps. You don't sleep one night after a year of a mess and then head off to the mountains with 8 other adults and try to sleep in a scratchy bed with two kids in your room and get a "normal" night of sleep....which is just what I did and thus, came home all whiny over the things that aren't "right" and upset that unlike everyone else I didn't really get a vacation because when let's be honest - a mom is rarely "off" no matter how far away you go. Whine, whine, whine....yuck yuck yuck!

Luckily, every Tuesday I get to be a part of the best thing in Atlanta. Seriously, this isn't a commercial for another "self help" book or online program but an honest account from a real live mom. No matter the sour attitude that I take with me when I walk in the door to my Mom-to-Mom bible study every Tuesday at Church of the Apostles I always come out feeling a little less alone, alot more supported, and surprisingly energized like no exercise or cup of coffee or even day off could give me. Today we were talking about the gift of inspiring your children. The author in our book writes about letting creation "wow us" and thus cause us to beg of our children to "come and look" out the window at what God has displayed. Well, here I was this weekend in the middle of the Georgia mountains, with the changing leaves among us, and the most perfect weather and I just couldn't get outside of my own needs enough to see what was around me. I wish I would have let the setting over the weekend minister to me because I so needed it. Oddly enough, Brooks was obsessed with the "mou'nains" as he called them and he didn't ever want to come inside the cabin. Which is just how he is at home - taking joy in picking the bark off the trees in the front yard and pointing out each different color of leaf in our driveway.

Oh to have the faith and perspective of a child. Yes, they are needy and demanding but they can easily be moved and excited by the passing of a butterfly even in the midst of a temper tantrum. I on the other hand can't even see past my own sin and selfishness so often and therefore I miss so much of the beautiful stuff - the stuff that can actually snap you outside of yourself and allow you to see the great big world out there and the miraculous things that are still being done everyday by a God that sees everything....even my little tiny cries for attention. On the way home from our trip I was analyzing the whole weekend because isn't that what most of us do once we leave a large family gathering? Anyway, Brad said, "Look behind you. Look out the window." I kept talking and over analyzing my disappointment of course. "No, really, stop talking and look outside. Yes, life is heavy and hectic right now and yes we just walked through the hardest year of our lives but look at the sun behind the clouds and the mountains...That's what it's really all about." I finally stopped and looked behind me and atleast for a little while I was quieted. I was thankful for the scenery for sure, but more thankful for someone to pull me out of the muck and when I just want to sit and play in it for days.

So my mom's group today was so fitting. After talking today in our group someone said something that I hope I believe. "It seems that the mom's that "get it" and apparently embrace their time as a stay at home mom are the ones that have surrendered to themselves and understand that the daily, mundane sacrifices of being a mother are what makes greatness. If I could just know that changing a diaper and wiping a nose is just a small part of a great work that I am doing and see it as that then certainly I will not be as concerned about me and my little whiny needs....and hence more able to actually see the bigger, prettier things around me." {Maybe a little paraphrased.} There really is joy to be found in the minutia of being a mom and it isn't just the moment that all the babies are sound asleep. We may not be thanked or praised or appreciated for years to come but enough have gone before me to tell me that there is no greater joy than "laying down one's life for a friend {a child in my case}" and truly experiencing real sacrifice.