A year ago today

A long yet fast year ago today one of my most favorite women in the world made a quick and surprising flee to heaven and the void in my heart and so many others can never be filled. I remember that afternoon like it just happened yesterday as well as the events that would follow. As anyone who has lost someone close to them can attest the first weeks and months to follow are quite a blur and the loss doesn't really set in right away. It's when her birthday comes around that flashes of her many birthday's spent among her loves, her daughters, pop into my head. Or that first Sunday a few weeks later where I would have literally done anything to sit around her dinner table and enjoy her company and her pound cake. She would cook all Saturday night and all day Sunday and then often quietly serve anyone that chose to show up. Now I get it - she knew she was blessed and she was taking it all in. She understood the true gems in this life - family and relationships. Then, of course, her favorite holiday came around this past Christmas and the lack of her presence was felt deeply by everyone. Yes, she was always known for her radical gift giving to her huge family (and any boyfriend or girlfriend that was brought around more than once) but it was really just her that we missed. She was one of those women that may not have made a fuss when she walked in a room but you always knew she was there and she made the atmosphere better - more welcoming, vibrant, and peaceful.

But then there was that other side of her that I miss more than anything. I can laugh about this now but often after a large family event we would talk about who got to "meet" Mawmaw. Though she may have seemed quiet she knew how to tell a story and she loved sharing her life with even the newest stranger. What a rare quality these days when so often it takes years and years to really know someone. I love that many of my friends at my wedding surely complimented me about the perfect October farm setting but there was more talk over the breakfast conversations had with my Mawmaw the morning after the wedding. You couldn't have met Mawmaw, learned her name, and not heard about her family - namely her 7 daughters. It's funny - I remember every second of her at events like those - a wedding, following the birth of one of my babies, or one of her daughter's 50th birthday parties. She knew how to celebrate life and like I said before - she really knew what mattered most and I see that now. I knew it when she was alive but I didn't appreciate it the way I do now - and it didn't change me until this past year when I would think back about this special Mawmaw-like-presence that I so craved.

Unfortunately, isn't that how it often goes...we think we know how much we value a person but it's not really until their chair is empty that we recognize the richness of their presence? This year I have taken in so many treasures that I wouldn't have had I not this unique space left open in my heart. She really was just an easy person but I would never call her simple. There was alot to her but her character really came through her actions - not just some empty words. She loved others exceptionally and without obligation. She didn't require much. And as you would assume with 7 daughters, 16 grandkids, and a bunch more great grandkids she was quite a mother to many. 3 weeks ago as were quietly enjoying our stay at Northside hospital after the birth of our 3rd son I had one of those moments where I literally craved my Mawmaw's presence. If there was anyone who would champion a woman having a whole lot of kids and even having them back to back to back it was her! Even though she had experienced many births of her own and of her own grandchildren she always made me feel like I was let in on her secret through the birth of my own children. I loved getting to share that secret with her. So it was such an honor for us to get to use her middle name in naming our newest little boy. I love getting to call our little boy by my sweet grandmother's middle name as many knew her as Mary John. It makes me smile every time I talk to him knowing the life and legacy behind his name.

And then there are the things this year that just made me laugh as if she was sitting in the kitchen with me over a cup of coffee. I can't hear Randy Travis and not picture my 70+ year old grandma in her cowboy hat and dancing boots. That woman was never shy of a dance floor and really there isn't a country song that doesnt make me think of her. Then a few months ago I decided to try to make one of her cakes with some of the very utensils that stocked her tiny but inviting kitchen. I literally laughed myself to tears at what would have embarrassed her to say was a mock up of her cake. She could make the most perfect cake at 2am with her eyes closed. What I would have done this year to really know what she meant by half of her loose directions in her recipes that were compiled into a family cook book several years ago. I now know that her "2 cups" is really about 3 cups of flour if you use her measuring standards!

I do not believe that the years will get any easier especially as we continue to encounter many of her most favorite things- Christmas, birthdays, Memorial day cookouts and new births. But I do believe we'll continue to get to know Mawmaw even more as the marks she left on so many begin to shine through even the things we do and the way we treat other people and the way we learn to treasure the most important things like she did - relationships and family.

Thank you, Mawmaw, for continuing to teach me so much and mold me into the selfless servant and mother that I hope to be.