The same but different

Let's see where this goes. I lost a year of my life and I really want it back. Last week I was taking my 1153rd turbokick exercise class at my second home. I'm not obsessed but close to it and I don't mind it one bit. I stand in the same corner of the group fitness room and wear about the same clothes - sometimes clean, often not with remnants of a baby at home. My belly is as far out as it was this time last year and I was 2 months more expecting (I had been hoping that part wasn't true about a second pregnancy). After class a co-fanatic of mine asked me when I was due and without thought I said late May. I left the class a few minutes early - as always - and found my car after 8 minutes of searching like I always have to do. I punched in the code, put my hands on the wheel and as the sun burst through the windshield I realized what I had just said.

Oh yes, it's 2010 - almost one year after Brooks' May birthday and for some reason it just all feels the same but I know it's very different. Basically, I've misplaced the most magical yet challenging year of my life and now I am wanting it all back - the sleepless nights in the beginning, the days at the hospital, the first real smile, even the news of a potential move....I just don't want to have lost so many short lived but rich chapters.

When I look back at pictures from us bringing Brooks home from Northside to meet his brother, Amos or from his first swim at the pool last summer when he was barely two months - it seems like chapters and chapters have been written and I've lost them all somewhere unknown. But then when I find myself doing the same things that I was doing last year - I mean, the exact same things - I often don't think any of the "in-between" ever happened. The "in-between" includes a new human life and a stint in another city! Pretty big things to lose in my book.

Anyway, in the words of the famed Aerosmith, I don't want to close my eyes....I don't want to miss a thing from here on out. I've listened to moms for 20 years now as they pinched my cheeks and told me I was growing up too soon and their words went right in and right out - kinda like this past year. Did I think I would actually be able to stop time in a particular season just to savor every last drop of it? I did! Tonight Brooks allowed me some extended snuggle time before bed and I felt so special and so adored and for those 10 minutes I allowed myself to not think about the next life that is growing or worry about any of the things that aren't just right for the moment. I embraced his baby drool on my chin and rubbed his sweet little shoulders as he curled up to me on his belly. I often miss these little joys because I allow illegitimate guilt (I'll explain) and often just exhaustion rob me of the most perfect moments this side of heaven.

I hope a few of you out there can relate - whether "kids" or other types of relationships are your subject - I often look at Brooks and I feel the silllyest guilt that a baby brother is on the way. It sounds silly even as I type it yet I feel it often. I'll picture Brooks wondering about, discovering the world around him while I am tied to a newborn baby that needs me literally for everything for a little while. I know there are advantages to having two kiddie-poos close in age and I know more so, the tiring months that are to come but what I think most about is how quickly our time is coming to a close with just one child and how soon our attention will have to be split. Brad's so good for me. He reminds me that Brooks would be more upset in the long run if my selfishness resulted in him never having another sibling. He says he'd be bored of me soon enough anyway and need a companion.

It's always seemed obvious because never do you meet a mother who openly prefers one child over the other but I really do question how I will be able to love any other child the way I love Brooks. He is my buddy and he has been through a very challenging year with me - the whole time just offering his healing toothless grin and fat-belly laugh for my comfort. Please tell me your heart just gets bigger with each child, each difficulty, each year, each triumph and each failure? I have always believed that God gives us just what we need and nothing more for any situation. He gives us the grace, the love, and the tenacity for anything life throws at us.....therefore, maybe I should just enjoy today - with our one child and not miss it - and when it's needed, know that He will give me what I need for another little blessing.