Amen

My heart is so full just 12 hours after I felt the most broken I may have ever felt. Last night seemed worse than any of the past 30 for some reason. I think I had put alot of hope into a doctors appointment that I went to yesterday and when, in the eerily peaceful hours of the night I was still eyes wide open - I sort of lost my hope. For one of the first times that I can remember I pleaded with God to show me His presence in the midst of this place. The very next sentence I asked for His mercy today when I knew I would be utterly exhausted but still have the four precious eyes below that would look to me for their joy. I don't even recall the quietness of the night as I sit here now, full, because today He has shown me his mercy.


For what can either be called a blessing or a scary-phenomenon I have yet to really really feel the heaviness that my body usually feels after a terrible night of no sleep. We actually ventured to the gym this morning because I was feeling so good. Small mercy on any other day but a big one today.

Then after we stayed out way passed nap time because we were all enjoying the weather and sunshine today both boys surprisginly went down for a late nap. On a normal day, I would be swaying with one baby and acting as a bumper pad to the other one who would be throwing his head against the wall. Small mercy on any other day but a big one today.

And then, as if I couldn't feel any more "seen" by God I put my pandora radio on the Need To Breathe station and I can't tell you how perfectly refreshing each song has been to my tired soul. Sheryl Crow sings a song that I love, especially over a glass of wine by the fire. Today an artist I had never heard of recovered the song, I shall Believe. His name is Matt Brouwer I think and I know nothing of him but he was another instrument to my peaceful heart today. For some reason these words spoke to every ounce of me like they never had before.

Come to me now
And lay Your hands over me
Will You find me tonight
Say it will be alright
And I will believe

Broken in two
I know You're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe

That not everything Is gonna be
The way you think it ought to be
It seems like everytime I try and make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly You won't give up on me
And I shall believe

Open the door
And show me Your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like You
And You hold the key

Never again will I turn away from You
I'm so heavy tonight
But Your love is alright
And I do believe


I can now not only say but prove that I do believe that God has this in His hand. I am so thankful for the usually small glimpses of grace that today have laid the foundation of my faith.

Everyone's least favorite friend (and daughter, and wife, and mother)

It's the insomniac.

I would like to be a stand up comedian in the wee hours of the night and crack jokes about the crazy insomniac. Yesterday I asked Brad when we get back to normal if he would like to do insomnia with me? He said we've already been doing that. I was referring to "insanity" the 60 day workout craze that has hit households everywhere.

Yesterday morning I had coffee with some other mom's with two under two. Poor ladies. Two of them have baby-babies and are still waking in the night to feed a little person. I have true sympathy for them because that is a hard season of life and the exhaustion level is unfathomable - especially with another mini-tornado at home to entertain. Of course, it was obvious they were shy to complain of any lack of sleep because of the insomniac across the table. Really though, the cool thing about insomnia is I don't get tired so I really do have oodles and oodles of sympathy for my new mommy friends who are having sleep disturbances with a waking newborn.

Further, you can tell on the phone each day with my husband or highly tolerant mother that they don't want to ask the normal question at the beginning of a phone conversation. "How are you?" Unfortunately, for the insomniac that just begs for a play by play of how unsettling your last 10 hours were while the rest of the world slept.

Anyway, I have been very real with this "dilemma" since it began for one purpose only. Yes, maybe someone somewhere can relate and will have an encouraging word or two but that isn't the reason for my transparency. I believe in full disclosure because deep down I am certain that this valley will be someone else's valley one day soon. Or maybe it won't be the same exact disfunction but it will be one that will rock someone's world the way this has rocked ours this last season. I've always had a hard time with the scripture that refer to "delighting in trials." That may be for you but for me I just don't find myself delighting in hardship, knowing that it is bringing about something greater. But I can honestly say this time that I am confident that God will use my story in a way that is much bigger and much more impactful than I could have imagined...and by that time hopefully I won't even remember what it feels like to have forgotten how to sleep.

So, to those of you who have to see me fairly often - thank you for asking the dreaded question even though you know the answer won't be pretty. Thank you, too, for your prayers. I feel them - especially in the wee wee hours of the morning when my body wants to be doing jumping jacks in a snow storm. I look forward to sharing stories of redemption and healing very very soon.

On Hold, part 2

I reread yesterdays blog late last night. Like I normally do, I never fully proofread a post before it posts. I have always been like this like even with research papers. I would just know that the work I did was good and that at the time I wrote the words I adequately expressed what I was trying to say. Yesterday, though, I should have proofread. While the details were pretty accurate and the list pretty daunting the general idea came across all wrong. I went to bed with beautiful sentences in my head in order to refute the cynicism that was apparent in the post from yesterday but I woke up with mush so here a few pictures for my argument against my argument.
While my list of things left undone for a few years looked pretty long and daunting to those of you thinking you one day might like to actually procreate (you've probably already left my blog if you are of that category) I also get to experience some pretty amazing moments full of discovery and pure innocence. Just to start... Monday morning I came in from brushing my teeth to this...I marvel at the determination and imagination of a toddler. I am not sure his order to this madness but he preceded to stack every condiment from the refrigerator and then place each item back, three times over. Who needs Fisher Price when you have a fully stocked fridge?

Last week while I did the thing that I say I'll never do again, the little man started to mimic the doctor right in front of his face....gloves and all. And while that sounds cute and funny to the observer, it truly is fascinating to watch a little human as his mind is churning and putting the pieces together.


And though many days our house feels like it shrinks over night or else the brightly colored toys expand, the joy that swells that house when these little people giggle is overwhelming. This is the kind of entertainment that can not be bought or recreated.


But then to get to see Mr.mini-me and mr. mini-Brad begin to interact with each other that just takes the cake. There is not an item on the list below that I would have checked off to trade for the sweetness of two brothers coming to understand that they are in this thing together.....as crazy and messy as it often may be.

I'll take the overflowing list of things on hold for many more years as I truly know these years will be past us soon and I will truly wish I had not been preoccupied with the right pillows for my bed.

On Hold

There will be nothing earth shattering about this post to many of you. In fact, even if you have yet to have children of your own you probably have experienced even more so the holding pattern that has become the life of your friends with kids. I used to think that this trait was a "choice" rather than a given and in that case I was going to certainly not put the rest of the world and the rest of my life on hold while I was occupied raising babies. And though I went into a little cocoon for a very short while when the oldest was born I don't think it lasted longer than 2 weeks and as I had hoped it didn't stop me from doing much that I wanted to do. With one fairly portable little man - he was just a cute accessory to my already pretty fashionable life. I had definitely had my days that seemed like revolved around no one else but the baby but trust me, I didn't lose any sleep over it and I made up for any loss of activity the next day.

Now that we have added another child to the tax return my perspective has done an about face....completely. I honestly can't list one thing except for the boys that seems to be growing, getting bigger or more advanced, or changing so quickly. Everything...I mean every thing is on hold for these short years and not at all by choice but by design.

Brad and I have made attempt after attempt to stick to a budget. This January we've done better than ever before but seriously, the last thing on my mind in these days is our net worth at the end of the day. This drives Brad crazy so luckily he is left to worry and dream about this but for me - the budget is on hold.

What about personal maintenance? Oh y'all.. I know I should because it is good for me but I can't remember the last time I cut my hair or swallowed a vitamin! I force myself to drink water all day hoping that it will wash away all of my bad habits and lack of personal maintenance. I have two gift certificates for a manicure and pedicure and I think about them every single day. When the stars align I vow to actually cash in on these sweet gifts but for now my toes remain colorless and my nails have yet to grow the way a real lady would approve. One of these days......

Those are just a few examples but in lieu of sounding cynical or negative I'll end with a list. Dear items on my list, I know I'll get back to you one day soon and I promise it wasn't because of lack of desire that I have had to leave you on the side for awhile. For now, there just isn't much more of me to give but I know these babies won't be babies forever so I am okay having to wait awhile to get back to "me."
*house decor
*pilates license
*organizing my closet
*joining a couples small group again
*Christmas thank you notes! (embarrassing! And this is from the queen of thank you notes!)
*dear friendships (Luckily my dearest peeps understand this)
*Girls trips
*travel
*A real exercise routine
*A truly clean car
*A list of books dying to be read not having to do with growth spurts and sleep disorders!
*Emails from friends asking for favors rather small or large
*Party planning
*Saving
*Purchasing nice furniture
*redoing our bedroom to feel more inviting
*buying a home
*keeping up with birthday's and sending cards the way I used to
*learning about new music.....Brad and I share a love for this but sadly the last concert we attended was 3 years ago!
*going to the movies
*really finding a new church home (though this is a priority)
*cleaning out my sock drawer and donating all unused items in our house to a ministry
*getting involved with high school ministry again
*sleeping through the night
*reading a few Psalms and a Proverb a day (I've started this 3 times now)
*yes, putting my WEDDING pictures into albums and having a few pictures framed
*not kidding, ORDERING birth certificates for my two children (I had to confess this)
*weekly date nights
*and of course, writing daily the way I would like

But....as I've said, I know these days are long but the years are short and soon enough I'll get back to my unfinished projects and I'll be wishing I was cleaning up cars from the corner and wiping spit up off the couch. Thanks for giving me a few years off, sweet friends!

Cool or slightly dorky?

You choose.

I have loved my iphone ever since my techo-dorky husband gifted me with it weeks after the birth of William. Every mom needs an iphone I am convinced and if you would like to use me to convince your sig other of the same then I will be happy to be your cheerleader. We use it as a camera, sound machine, ABC learner, list creator just to name a few. One feature I don't love but use because I love a good calendar is the calendar. I love to look at the month and see little dots on days that we have things planned. For me, an outing a day is a necessity in this game with young children and as much hassle as it is to even start the car I am always glad I made the effort.

Anyway, last week I looked up the month of January and there were only 3 dots for the WHOLE month. One, you could guess was my 30th birthday last weekend because you know.....I might need to remember that is my actual birthday since I've only talked about it for maybe 4 months now. The second dot was a reminder that my bible study starts back next Tuesday and I couldn't be more ready! The last dot is by far the most important but maybe the most embarrassing. You can decide. Is it cool or slightly dorky that this entry is on my calendar for next Tuesday....in ALL CAPS.

Tuesday, January 25th.
MOE'S BROOKHAVEN GRAND OPENING. FREE BURRITO.

No lie.

You choose.

Baby giggles

Lastnight I crashed an outdoor concert that a neighbor of mine was hosting for over 100 young adults in his back yard. An angelic voice lifted beautiful words above our rooftops for nearly 3 hours and I enjoyed about half of it - uninvited of course. The get-together was mostly made up of 25-35 year old singles who I assume attend my church here in Atlanta because I'm pretty sure it is rated the best place to meet other singles. I'm sure 4 years ago I would have been right up in the middle of the crowd, singing, and thinking more in depth about my role in the world...all the while hoping someone somewhat cute was standing next to me thinking that I was cute, too. In the middle of the concert the host placed some questions on the projector screen mostly having to do with our purpose especially as it relates to relationships and our career. Though that part of my story has been answered - the questions sat with me for the rest of the night and through today. Here I was, in my pajamas, having slept no more than 3 hours the night before, and having to have snuck away from my "job" in order to even bombard the little gathering. I couldn't have come from a more different "career" but nonetheless, I was really hit with the crappy way I have treated my job lately and I am so glad last night was the night that helped me realize this.

I've based the value of my work day on the length of time in the afternoon that both boys happen to be asleep together. I should have learned 5 months ago that this was the worst measure out there and that most often, I would lose. Even worse though, I have truly wished that the next 4 months would go by, and that the sun would come back out, and that the temperatures would warm back up, and that the boys would grow out of the stages they are in now - tantrums, short naps, and unnecessary crying. Though I hadn't thought much about being a mom before I became one I did know I didn't want to be "that" mom, the one that constantly boasted of how impossible her day was in between diapers, bottles, fusses, messes, and tears. That's the same mom that can only answer how her day has been based on the amount of work she has had to do revolving the little people. And guess what....lately, I have become that mom. Everytime I feel myself "going there" I taste it and it tastes terrible.

So thankfully last night was so good for me. I woke up today, still not too rested, but my heart had rested and my outlook on my day job was much better. We enjoyed getting out of the house this morning no matter how un-put together I looked or how many items I had to grab to even get out the door. We made our rounds to the gym, the pediatrician, and the store and then we hit up the neighborhood play group this afternoon. It was fun. Like, really fun. Brooks was laughing so hard in teh grocery cart at Publix that people were coming around the aisle to look into the commotion. There was nothing abnormally funny but to him it was slap-your-mama kinda funny and to me it was so so cute. Then at the pediatrician I had William in the baby carrier on my front and though I looked like a woman whose life you would not envy - I was so proud to have had nearly 50 pounds of "boy" to carry around in order to make the appointment. (Yes, the pediatrician is in our "rounds" these days as we've made 3 trips in 10 days!) Anyway, things were really good today and not that they were any different than yesterday but I was able to enjoy our "normal" and not wish away the hours or count the minutes until Brad walked through the door. And then just as it should be, my little heart lesson ended perfectly today at playgroup. All of the kids are several years older than Brooks. They are all precious and mostly sweet but I couldnt help but notice the innocence of my 20 month old. He tried his best to play cars with the older boys and then he made it his job to to quietly sit and devour some goldfish at a kids table while the other kids ran through the house like tornados. All the while, sweet William was just happy being in the room and being aknowleged occassionally. It's not that they were amazingly sweet babies today - it's just that their age is sweet. They may be fully hands on and I may be physically exhausted each day but they can't yet do for themselves and there was something so refreshing about that today. I actually saw their dependence on me as an asset and not a thing to wish away.

I left the playgroup just wanting to go home and play with my babies and soak up their bright eyed wonder. I know every mom with older children will say that I should enjoy these days because they fly by and I always politely nod my head but today it actually hit me....this stage IS only temporary and while I normally say that to "get through" the day - today I saw it the other way around. It is temporary and never again will I get to hear these edible giggles from the little people in my house.....so innocent...so trusting.....so satisfying.