It's truly not me

I'll probably lose the other half of my readers with the post and receive even fewer phone calls next week but I'll take the consequences. I know fewer and fewer posts have been flooded with colorful pictures of lively babies. That's unfortunate because that is what is happening over here - color and vibrancy....if you focus on the two blessings on unstable legs. Thank God for those little hands and feet. I would have been in a weird hospital months ago had I not those boys to take care of me everyday. They make me laugh even after I've spent 7-10 hours tossing on a couch just hoping to atleast have my brain shut off for an hour on any given night. They keep my mind busy when it wants to go through every possible conceivable option again as to why sleep has become so unnatural to me. Mostly, they give me a hope each day that one day I will feel well enough to be the mom I want to be for them. Though a majority of the doctors I have seen would blame what has happened to my sleep on some deficiency in my body due to 2 back to back pregnancies - I just laugh that suggestion off. God knew what He was doing when he gave me two little people to help pull me through the hardest year of my life. Because of them I can not ultimately lose hope.

Well, because of them and that other thing called grace. I get grace this year. I have had seasons in the past where I really "felt" grace. I felt like I was feeling things I didn't deserve to feel....acceptance, love, and forgiveness despite what I had to offer. There was so much of me that needed worked on in the beginning of marriage. I was (and still am unfortunately) critical of the silliest things. I can better recognize my critical spirit but it's still there. Yet I felt so undeserving of someones unconditional love despite my ickyness. If grace is getting something that you don't earn or buy or even deserve then I have been covered in it these first years of marriage. Grace will break you when you finally accept it....in a really good way.

But in this season of life I can say that God's grace and strength have kept me going. I don't say that in a hokey-Baptist kinda way. Like, in a very real way. Every morning after I struggled the night away in the living room I wonder how I might begin to even care for a young child and every morning now for a year rather my eyes haven't closed or I'd experienced a miraculous 5.5 hours of medicated sleep God has given me enough to make the most of the day with the boys. I've yet to really lose my patience. It did happen once in the car last week when everyone was upset and I just figured I had more reason to be upset than anyone so I plugged my ears and screamed as loud as I possibly could. The crying in the back stopped and then my heart was flooded with shame. The boys looked very vulnerable and shocked. I spent the rest of the afternoon apologizing profusely and crying anytime either of their big eyes looked up to me for guidance. But other than that I am amazed how I much patience has come out of me during this journey - it is truly not me but grace.

And while a headache ensues each night of sleeplessness, somehow I have been able to accept those and the aching eyes that come and still get the boys and I out for an activity. Of course, after I've spent the night awake in the house the only thing I want the next day is to be out of the house but the thought of getting out with two dependent human beings often makes me want to crawl in a ball on the floor and just shut down. But we do always get out of the house and we have even had some pretty fun days....learning about bugs and how to swim in a pool and how to play in a fountain. I'm so grateful for the energy that is truly not my own. While much of this year has been a blur I do feel like I have been able to enjoy their milestones and create an inseparable bond with them. That is truly not my own strength, but again, God's.

Most of all, God has been the glue in this family - especially our marriage. If a marriage can not only survive but thrive through unexpected moves, pregnancies, and job changes...all in less than 4 years then I am confident we can withstand a multitude of stresses to come. This "thing" has changed our perspective eternally. We have truly suffered together this year. My heart aches as B leaves each morning with a look on his face of helplessness. He knows he can't fix this illness. He knows he has to leave me with the two boys and he knows my heart breaks again each morning after a bad night. But I think he trusts that it is truly not me pulling through this time. We have both witnessed the strong hand of the Lord who salvages each day and gives us a hope that maybe the next day I'll feel a little better.

I was reading in a book I read every morning a few days ago. The entry for June 27th was writing about Ephesians 3:16 where it says "with power through his Spirit in {my} inner being." The commentary then says "And the strength He gives is continuous, for He is a source of power I cannot exhaust."

I am so grateful that even when my power has "pooped out" there is nothing that can come my way - no matter how "chronic" it may be - that can exhaust His power. God's grace has given us joy, hope, laughter, and relaxation this year when I wouldn't have deemed that possible. What a real blessing. Now were off to make the most of this day with energy that is truly not my own.