Awkward blog-woman

Hello my name is ________ _______________ and I don't know how to do normal things anymore. Things as normal as brushing my teeth in the proper hour or talking to a dear friend on the phone. When I am in the grocery store I forget where my usual things are located and often around the house I walk in a circle from the bedroom through the kitchen to the bathroom just to look for the garbage can. I am not exaggerating either. I am coming to grips with my incessant awkwardness but hoping in the back of my mind that this is all just temporary.
And more than ever before I dream of writing. I've written on napkins or in journals or on torn notebook paper and now in a blog since I learned my letters, seriously. I still have my first pink journal with my name painted on the front that I received from the pink elephant in Brandon, Florida when I was maybe 7. I wrote secrets about who my best friends were and how much I liked going to Disney World with my family. In middle school I would keep names that I liked that I would one day plan to name my children. None of them have actually worked because I only named girls in my journal and I don't know how to make girl babies. Then in high school things took a much deeper twist - writing about everything from the tragic death of one of my dear friends to the bliss of young high school love. College was again a different story with a journal a semester dedicated to the "me" that I was discovering I wanted to be. I love looking back at those ramblings and seeing how silly I was about boys but how wise I was about more serious matters of the heart - especially when it came to my faith in God. I love seeing the path He has had me on since my meandering days in Athens. Anyway, I have letters to myself from those days and letters to people that have never been sent all stored on my computer and then after college I did something I never thought I'd do....I began sharing my love of writing and my need to not feel alone in my thoughts with the world wide web - thanks to a dear friend and long term blogger-extraordinaire - Charlsie. I loved that first blog to pieces. It filled a space at the time that nothing else could fill. I truly loved reading over my words and laughing at myself on most occasions. For reasons not fully known I abruptly stopped writing on that blog and I still remember the day I did like the day that my closest friend had just left me high and dry with no way to be contacted. Somehow my exit from the blogging world temporarily led me to a boy that I married and then I found my writing time to be even more on the decline. I had always thought though that when I really found love all I would want to do is write about the joys of love and attraction. I did write a journal for my husband to be during our engagement but some of the entries were more out of duty to myself. Anyway, the same thing with kids - I'd think i'd have bajillions of amazing thoughts to write about - and maybe I do - but of course there is little time and now I am just left feeling awkward.

So, here I sit.... I have about 55 minutes to myself until there is one more dependent to be fed and put to "bed" (which is only about a 3.5hour event right now) and all I want to do is write about motherhood and the fun weekend we had as a family of 4 and how I cry over spilled milk these days and I can't complete a sentence because I am so tired but how the Lord has been so merciful to me in hearing my cries to defeat my insomnia that I had experienced. And I want to write about my favorite recipes and my dreams and what I want to do for my 30th birthday and I want to post cute pictures of the two little boys in my life. But the truth is everything that once seemed normal now just seems awkward. As I write the room around me is spinning because I am so tired and the thoughts keep bouncing around my head with no consistency. I long to sit and write beautifully once again and maybe even move someone or chuckle to myself over my own sillyness but for now - just bare with me.....things are still very un-normal around here and I am still very much lost in this new world. There are certainly moments that have surprised even me - where I pinch myself and hold back the tears because the picture is just too sweet. . . a 75 degree Saturday and a selfless husband throwing the ball with his 15 month old son all the while a newborn snoozes inside the Baby bjourn. Add the smell of hotdogs grilling and the sound of the bulldawgs playing on tv and things are good. Like sooo good and better than I ever knew they could be. You see, I have taken in all of the warnings of how hard this would be. But then there is today where there was literally not one moment to even have a thought about anything other than milk, a diaper, or spit up. And while I tried my best all day to live in the hour and not start to wonder about the future - or when I might ever get to read a book or let alone brush my teeth - today was hard. This is going to be a challenge and my hands are full but I do still know and rest in the truth that this is God's plan for me and it is a good one - no matter how hard.

And that is my awkward situation in a nutshell. I am still in a fog and still trying to wrap my arms around this new life, literally, and my new "life" with two little boys and little free time to......let's say - blog and post cute pictures. I expect that things will be more settled in six weeks or so but until then just ignore much of what I say on here. I'll return but in the mean time we are enjoying this new story and really really craving sleep! Good night, friends!
Your truly,
Awkward in Atlanta