Two things to say

And they are producing the opposite effects, simultaneously.

*First, I have unzipped the back of my cute brown-Audrey Hepburn type dress to allow my rib cage to expand. I have gotten out of my chair every ten minutes to stand up and let my diaphragm lengthen. I have counted to ten. I have thought or attempted to think the loveliest of thougts. I've tried to forget about the trauma my lungs have began experiencing over the last 24 hours because I hear if you don't focus on whatever is afflicting you - it will go away. I would steal your inhaler from you if I knew it were in your purse. I dont know where else to turn. I can not seem to catch my breath today.
For any of the Terrace girls or my mother you know this predicament frequents my breathing patterns about twice a year. You know, too, why it happens. Supposedly I do too but every single time without fail I explain to yall my complicataions and ask for you to go along with my self-diagnosed growing asthma problems. But in the back of my mind the real diagnosis at hand lurks. It is this terrible, nasty little booger of a word - ANXIETY. And usually it comes about right when I would tell you I am least anxious. And like normal, I couldnt even begin to tell you what I am anxious over. I actually really believe that I am immune to anxiety. For real.
***Disclaimer: Brad, when you read this remember you have a ring on your finger and you are stuck.

Anyway, I can't tell you exactly the culprit for this current bout of anxiety. I could lead you in some gerneral direction but I surely thought I had those (anxiety drinving)thoughts in check. But....Just when things seem to be at peace my body freaks out on me and reminds me that nothing is ever truly at peace. My head is always churning little ideas or a sweet note to write to someone or a dream that I would like to start dreaming about one day or a way to be a better wife or find joy in my career.... Always churning....never stopping. Here is a post from about this time two years ago. In a way I am comforted because I don't feel crazy....yhis has happened before. Truly there are two times a year - Usually September and March that my airways become obstructed and I go into maintnance mode meaning I just have to try to get the air I can and hold on to it with all my life because as soon as it starts to go I have to do all these silly things to just try to breathe normal again. Someone out there has to have some expertise on this. Maybe I am allergic to the change of seasons. Or maybe that's just it - I am allergic to change altogether and when my body knows it's coming or it knows change is vitally needed...it starts to do weird, abnormal, obstructive things. Things I dont like. I'm going to leave it there. I am allergic to change and change is coming. I hope...

*On other notes, I received the grandest surprise in my mailbox yesterday. Except I dont actually have a mailbox anymore thanks to condo-living. I only say this because you know how much I love mail and love personal mail in my mailbox. I love even the act of going to the mailbox. I wont lie - I like to get the mail first. And yes, sometimes I stole the toy out of the cereal box before my brothers got to it. Call it oldest-child syndrome or whatever you wish but personally I think it is a grand thing (egocentricity probably is right there under the syndrome description as well.) I also used to love greeting Millie, the mail lady, when I lived at the Terrace. She was annoyed by us because we always had a car parked right in front of the mailbox but I think she loved to hate us...you know? Secretly she admired the fun house that we seemed to live in and she sort of liked that she had to remind us to move our cars....gave her purpose and authoirty and we all like that. Anyway, we got home from small group lastnight and we had a hard square shaped envelope addressed to both of us. I wasnt expecting any hard-square shaped letter that I recall so naturally, I was giddy just to know what the mail-stork had left us.
I certainly didnt expect what I was about to open either.

Digress to the wedding 4 months prior. Intimately planned ceremony....a few of my favorite friends playing the music that was very personal to both of us. Day goes by quickly. I barely remember the flavor of my cake and much less what the ceremony sounded like.
Foward 4 months. Yes, it took more than 4 months to get the video from our videographer. That's a whole nother story. Needless, we watch it to try for once to really get a feel for that day. We get to the communion part of the ceremony and the audio was muted!!!!!!!!! For real. I have been so sad over this the last few weeks. The song we chose is very dear to me and more so, my roommate and sweet friend, Kat, and two of my other friends worked so hard to make everything sound perfect. All I remember about the 4 minutes is that there was a bee near Brad's ear and I couldnt hear a thing because we were both sobbing at the warmth and comfort we felt in that moment. Nonetheless, it is not there. Not any part of the video. I had concluded that I would never be able to relive those precious moments ever again (note: drama added for effect. PS - affect or effect? I need help!)
Rewind to lastnight where I discover that our videographer )who we were sort of at odds with) had sent a cd of the 4 plus minutes of audio during communion. You have no idea.....I listened to this maybe 7 times lastnight and had to make myself stop so I wouldnt tire of it before I got to blare it in my car on the way to work this morning. Then throughout the day today I have snuck out to listen to it in my car. It makes me breathe normal again. No drama added here, this surprise has truly changed my attitude today. It is so powerful to hear the slightly muffled song in the background and the whisper of Brad's sincere voice piping through the mic. The original problem is that the 3 mics all interfered with eachother and the song wasnt clear. But it couldnt be more perfect. Now I have the faint sound of my friends harmonizing perfectly in the background of such thoughtful and touching words by both Brad and Gary, the pastor. Exhale.........I haven't experienced anything more soothing in a long time. How sweet, too, to be reminded in the midst of the turmoil in my head that God saught us out and we are living right in the middle of His good and perfect will...no matter how much anxiety I may be feeling. I am humbled to know that somehow Brad and I are part of a bigger story together now. Any anxiety I am feeling, I trust, is just His spirit within me trying to guide me against my stubbornness and selfishness. Hence any tension within.

What a beautiful irony today.