Download

I wish I could plug you in via a USB port and just click a button to have everything I dreaming and the energy that is pumping through me stream right into you with one easy click. I know that I am a walking testament of my own story and so in the years to come many of you who are close to me will get snippets and tidbits (whether you like it or not) from what has been the most exhausting yet rich journey of my little life to date. I can finally see on the other side of the fence and ironically, I am not leaping over it as fast as I possibly can but rather, daintily stepping over, one toe at a time, while looking back and seeing the good stuff that has come from such a long journey.

Last night Brad and I listened to a sermon by John Piper as we ate our delicious steak dinner that a friend prepared for us. We felt like royalty. The kids were fast asleep and the house was in the best condition it has seen in weeks and for some reason our hearts and ears were eager to listen to yet another person lecturing on adversity. As if we haven't heard of every book and every method and every sermon that might carry us through this hard time. But this one was different. Our hearts were in a different place and were ready to receive. That has been half the battle - I have been so unwilling to receive help in the form of meals or babysitters and even more unwilling to accept God's mercy or anyone else's let alone. I have carried a heavy guilt over the last few months that all of this was because of me.....That all of this happened because of my inadequacy or my lack of faith or even worse - my sin. And while I have certainly mastered each of those categories - it would cheapen God's story were I to continue to think that I could be a part of something so big all because of my own doing. In the sermon Piper was speaking about David in Psalm 42. He says David "suffered well." He suffered but he remained hopeful. Piper went on to say that if we have to be knocked under water by wave after wave after wave in order to feel God's presence than how great to be under water? Basically, if that is what it takes for me to know God then I should embrace being underwater.

I've always said that I could rejoice in all things. I have even written it on a note above the kitchen sink recently as if looking at it would heal me. The notecard also reminds me to be thankful in all circumstances. Yes, this notecard has laughed me in the face many days as I have sat over the sink just longing for all of this stuff to come to an end....longing to get on to the next thing and to get our focus off of me and my malfunctioning body. But now as I am starting to see a little ounce of normalcy - my heart is so grateful for every doctors appointment, every day that I walked around too dizzy to drive or function from lack of sleep or too much medication. I am thankful for every song, tear, co-pay, conversation, drug, vitamin, and every piece of counsel that has come my way this last year because today I know the bottom line.

The bottom line is for me and Brad to wait on the Lord. I have now been slowed down enough, relaxed enough, and rested enough to see that I am just supposed to wait. Certainly, Brad and I are anxious to actually buy our own house one day, and we are antsy to see where his career might take him. We are even excited to plan a big vacation but for today I know we are just supposed to rest and wait. I am not supposed to force anything in this season of life and I am not supposed to try any harder. I am just supposed to wait and rest while waiting.

Yesterday I read this - "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to {me}. therefore, He rises up to show {me} compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait on Him!"

We have been so blessed through our tiny adversity by waiting on Him. We will continue to wait and soak up the compassion and grace in the mean time. And that's my download for now. Now hopefully back to fat little babies and silly stories about our little under-3 feet tall world!