It's my child's birthday and I have chronic insomnia

Those aren't necessarily the two phrases you might enter in your google bar on any given Monday morning, I know. It also isn't the most captivating subject were I trying to woo an audience and build a brand. The word "chronic" anyway is just ugly. As I have done on here for years now though, I have kept it as close to reality as I can get. This topic has been brewing in my head since 1:51a.m. this morning when maybe all but one of you were doing exactly what you should be doing at that time. Unfortunately, as a result of these last 5 months my body has no clue what it should do at any given time so writing a blog in my head rather than thinking of sugar plums was just fine for me. I remember the B.C. (Before this Craziness) times when I would awaken in the middle of the night and I was so happy to still have several hours to get to go back to sleep. I would do alot of things for that feeling today....just to have my body rise and fall during the day and night as it should.
But don't worry, this isn't entirely a post about my story. There is a light at the end.
Our first born child is really two today. Even though we have been celebrating for a week - today is his actual birthday and ironically, the least hyped up day of all....a muffin for breakfast and yet another wear of his dirty "TWO" birthday shirt. We will meet up with friends at the park in a little bit for an impromptu picnic to celebrate the precious boy with as little effort as possible. Luckily, children this age are so easily pleased so he will be thrilled to get to run around and eat a peanut butter and jelly (apple jelly of course). Yesterday of all the grand gifts his family gifted him with - my sister-in-law-to-be walked in with a shiny box with a balloon attached. Of course the star shaped balloon was the hit of the whole afternoon. She is a teacher and I swear teachers just know kids inside and out. I have never been a teacher and never even pretended to be when I was little so my present to our little boy was a mesh of little things that I thought he might enjoy at some point. A balloon certainly would have been easier!
Anyway, the only single thing that I know how to do amid this ongoing storm is to focus on the day at hand and not a day more or less. I could drive myself crazy....and I have many times...trying to figure out what the next month will look like - or better yet, the next week. Will I be back on medication in order to do what so naturally comes to everyone else I know? Will I have found the answer I am looking for...the science behind why either my mind or my body on any given night will not turn off? Will I be listening compassionately to another new mom that, too, is experiencing out of her control type things over a cup of coffee? Or maybe, will this all be old news and I will not even be able to conceive of not falling asleep before 2am? But I can't go there everyday. It doesn't do anything. I would have told you three months ago that I had had enough and I couldn't go any farther and then somehow, I've gone farther. While in many ways I am better - I am sort of still where I was 5 months ago to this day....tired and wired and really really confused. Heartbroken at times. The God that I know doesn't want me to miss my sons birthday because I was so consumed by my own health. So of course I have had to ask myself so many times, who is the God that I know and do I really know Him? I've been extremely hard on myself during all of this. I will blame myself at 2:03 in the morning for not believing enough that I can be healed. If I only prayed longer or "harder"(whatever that means), I will think. If I were only more positive during the day. If only I would stop telling people that I am not feeling well. But I know at my very core that there is nothing more I can do and this is not my fault. It is not my lack of faith that has me here. My faith is probably much grander than I even know. If you strip away all of the layers - I really believe that this period of suffering is going to change my marriage, change the mom that I am going to be, and even change my immediate family's intimacy with each other. There is nothing that tears down hard walls of the heart like a sobbing 30 year old right before her son's birthday party. I am pretty sure I am the sister-in-law that is not being fought over to sit next to at the family cookout because that means the never ending question will have to be asked but I do think in the end my family will all be grateful for the whole journey. I know it is bigger than myself.

So here is the light you've been waiting for. I KNOW GOD WILL HEAL ME WHEN HE IS READY. Now that I am 9 months into this (with a 3month respite while I was nursing William) I can clearly see that this isn't something a warm bath, a glass of milk, an antidepressant, or even a psychiatrist can fix. I can't pray my way out, I can't pay my way out, and I can't will myself out. This has nothing to do with me or medicine or surrender. I have done all of that atleast three times over. This is God's sovereign will for me and He knows better. He knows that this short period (in the grand scheme of things) of (light in comparison) suffering WILL BRING HIM GLORY AND WILL BRING ME CLOSER TO HIM. Do the caps scare you? I have to KNOW these things and claim them daily and then not think about tomorrow or how this story will end. While I don't want to miss the sweet years with my boys I can know with certainty that the God who has started a good work in me will finish it out to completion (Philippians 1:6). I have written this verse several times in my 3 decades - on binders at school, in journals, on note cards but this experience has brought energy into each word. The only thing I can hope in is God who knows me, knows my exhaustion, and knows that this isn't all happening in vain.....it has purpose.

Sweet Birthday boy, I am grateful to have your life to celebrate today. Your smile and your contagious giggle give me daily relief from this season of confusion. You (and William and your daddy of course) afford me more joy than any sleepless night can steal. I promise I am doing everything in my power to feel better for you. The best medicine so far has been being your mom and focusing on that grand task and nothing more. The rest will come......

We love you, Mr. Two year old! Here is a little clip of "big" interviewing you before your big birthday party.