Still not so good at "change"

I'll start this now while were in the "okay" zone of terrorizing the house. Usually on our more lazy mornings I will allow anything just so I can get some coffee/"me" time. For instance, there are atleast 300 block pieces on the floor and William has a fireman hat on with Brad's work shoes walking through the house. As I type I can picture the disaster that will happen in no more than 90 seconds. The poor child can't see well {more to come on that} so he doesn't tend to stay on his feet longer than 15 steps. The older Tasmanian devil is mixing the Scrabble and Backgammon pieces in the kitchen with a spoon. Amos is licking syrup and jelly off of the boys seats which will actually be the most productive cleaning that happens today I am sure. Cartoons are blaring in the background but no one seems to notice my ploy to distract them and just give me a. little. bit. of. Friday. quiet!

You would think the mornings get to me from the above but they really don't. They are super sweet and I know short-lived as every preschool in town is vying for my toddlers attendance along with the other available music, art, gym, and cooking classes in town. I love that right now, atleast for this stage, when I do take him to his little mini-school two times a week he actually begs me not to go. Yesterday he said, "mama, I want to go home and "pay" with you and "Nillam." I was tempted to scoop him right up and go right back home to pajamas and wrestling on the floor. Ultimately, those will be his most teachable moments, I know, not the 5 hours of "school" he attends each week. I knew that he would soon find his favorite friend, Madelyne, and forget that I was the main woman in his life. Which he did and when I picked him up he hid behind the book shelf so I couldn't see him and take him home. I love toddlers. Hot, no cold! Now, no never! Want a cookie, no I hate cookies! Wait, I want a cookie. I thought You didn't like cookies. I don;t like you, mama! (Ouch) Mama, hold me and take me everywhere you go and don't put me down even if we go to the park with all my friends after I had begged you to go all morning! As you either know or could imagine, it is exasperating. Oh, and the littlest guy's new word of choice is "MINE." He may not be able to see what he is ferociously fighting the 6 inch taller brother for but he knows how to get it and he doesn't give up and the "MINE" doesn't get any more reserved as the day goes on.

I really do, I love the mornings with my little buddies.

So I know this next part will sound a little bazaar. You'd think if I love the mornings with two little funny people than a third little funny person should be all the merrier? Ultimately, yes, I know I will love the mornings and the rest of the journey for that matter - all the more with another baby around but I get this "way" every pregnancy....where I start to mourn the loss of the "way things are." I've never ever been good at beginnings and endings which is most of the reason I think the big B and I are a good match. That boy literally lives off change and adventure. You'd think with his deep Southern roots from a classic, quaint, small town that he would be just fine to "keep on keepin on" but he is certainly not the norm. He has moved Atleast every two years if not before since he left for college and though he says he is ready to "settle" I just don't see it happening. We both talk about a few years of boredom hitting our family and how refreshing it would be to be...you know...to not be pregnant, moving, fighting insomnia or changing jobs. But really after this baby debuts in May I know we will have to stir up some change again before the end of the year or he'll grow stale and moldy. My husband loves change and he is really good at it! Therefore, you can see, he has been good for this "stuck in high school" mentality I tend to hold onto whether I'm 3 kids into parenthood or not. People ask, goodness, "how many kids do yall want? (with as much of a negative tone as you can imagine) and really my internal response is "I really haven't even thought about it," but I usually say your good ole "as many as we are blessed with..."(while also internally wondering how this cheerleading/socialite got to this place in the 1st place!)

But deep down I know my heart was stuck on our first child, the dog. I remember sobbing one hormonal morning during the 1st pregnancy thinking how it wouldn't be just me, B, and Amos anymore. I mean, sobbing. Of course now that just sounds silly because as much as I love our dog he is one of 3 things - 1) The best vacuum 2) the Best playmate to boys 3) a Nuisance when all else is hitting the fan at 530pm on a long day! Then, the last pregnancy I did the worst thing a pregnant woman can do and I literally lived in denial for 9 months that another human would actually appear at the end of the whole deal. As I've said before, I was well into labor and asking the doctor if I was really pregnant! I just couldn't imagine that I could love anything the way I loved the first "surprise" baby. And that's just the thing - we really are those people, truly, who have had THREE, yes, THREE surprise babies. We've broken every form of birth control available whether by just beating the odds or user error...we've won all three times! So my pregnancies always have a little different flavor than most of my friends who either choose or have to be very calculated to end up with a baby.

But now I look at the little man that is William and I can say there is nothing else in this entire world that has melted my heart the way he does. He is the definition of edible. Next week his little 17 month old eyes will be seeing a new world through glasses. Yes, at 17 months! I am happy that he will be able to see me and the wall and inanimate objects better of course but again, I get a little sad about the "change" that will have to occur to adjust. You would think after the 4 years we have had that I would be better with atleast the small changes but I am still a very stubborn work in progress.

Anyway, so yesterday I woke up sad for no real reason and I didn't know I was sad until I stepped outside of the boys school and saw another mom of 3 boys shuffling her little ones in the door. I LOST IT. I spent the rest of my little free time in therapy - crying therapy, exercise therapy, prayer therapy and a little retail therapy to top it off. Of course I am grateful for another little blessing and I know for certain that this baby is supposed to be at this particular time in our family time line and I know in 5 months I will not be able to picture our slow mornings at home with the two little guys but for now - in the middle of the approaching change - I had to have my moment that I have every pregnancy where I literally mourn the change.

I had dinner with a dear friend last night and she was telling me of a book by a favorite author - Larry Crabb called Shattered dreams. I am paraphrasing of course but she talked about how it is okay for me to mourn the loss of my dream....whatever that was or is....having only 2 kids or having some years to myself (how selfish is that anyway?) or being involved in a huge career....whatever my dream is it is okay to be a little distracted when God's plan is different than mine. Ultimately, I know His dreams and plan for me are always better for me but it doesn't mean it's that easy to just move forward without any emotion.

It only took me yesterday to get over my little silly sadness. Today the baby is moving like a gymnast in Cirque du Soleil and B has been poking at my belly button that is already grossly protruding. We're all better today. We have 3.5 months more as a family of 4 and after a little crying yesterday and all sorts of therapy I know I can savor each day and each moment - whether joyful or stressful - until the change is here. Each change, as frequent as they have been, the last four years, has certainly brought me to a more compete, more full, more grateful place. So I guess "bring it on" as Brad would say!

Here's a toll of the damage done in the last very interrupted hour of computer time.
-Both boys are in diapers. What happened to the pajamas?
-"Nillam" has moved the 4 kitchen chairs into the play room.
-Amos has eggs stuck on the top of his hair that were in the trash from yesterday's breakfast.
-All of the lights are unplugged. That's scary and not so safe....
-There are only 3 puddles of milk staining the few rugs we have in the house
-1000+ cards from the game Taboo are being used as money and whatever else they are imagining all over the living room.
-Sesame street has mysteriously been changed to a restricted channel called "Playboy's top 100 (en Espanol)". Nice.
-My phone is nowhere to be found after Nillam walked around supposedly talking to da-da for 10 minutes
-And it is oddly quiet and no one is in my eyesight so I am getting a little worried. I looooove our slow mornings at home together! And I am ready for a third set of little hands to "help" with the cleanup!