About to burst

By the title of this post you probably first thought I was referring to my pants as this pregnancy has certainly humbled me in the area of weight gain. Alas, I am eating the rice krispy treats I made at 8:45 this morning for no reason at all and so, therefore, I have nothing more to say about the weight subject.

Actually, I am referring to the four-chambered organ currently pumping overtime to get all that sugar to the necessary extra fat cells all over my body. This thing is about to explode! My heart is so full today I can barely function because at any second it might either burst by means of unstoppable tears or an uncontrollable and rather obnoxious smile. I certainly didn't think this is how you would find me after 4 days and nights alone with the little man. I suspected that I would be that whiny old wife that I never want to be in the first place complaining of how hard my days were with the husband away.

Sure, little things can bring me this kind of satisfaction that may last for an hour or maybe even an afternoon but it doesn't compare to this deep down feeling on the inside that truly feels better than anything else in life. Combine skiing down one of the blacks (or Blues in my case) at Breckenridge in the early afternoon after a good snow with the taste of a Houston's brownie on an ordinary day (not your birthday) with seeing your very favorite person for the first time in awhile coming up the escalator at the Atlanta airport with the first moments after hearing the screams of your new baby come into the world and anything else you find thrilling...then multiply it to "finity and beyon'" as my 2.5 year old would say. That's the kind of ruckus that is going on in my heart right now. It's knowing that the commotion is here to stay awhile - and not because of any grand circumstance but because of a beautiful transformation in my heart - that really makes my heart swell.

Our 17 month old got glasses this week. It has been a hard few days convincing him that these little pests that sit atop his nose really can allow him to see things he has never seen. When he first got them he danced in circles and reached up at the sunlight coming through the windows. He was in his own little world of exploration and though I can't know for sure from his little babbles I think he was overwhelmed with the simplest things....the leaves on the trees, the lines in the sidewalk, the freckles on my cheeks. Today, in a different way I had the same eye-opening experience and it started with a horse.

I took William to see the horses at Chastain park after church. Ever since he got his glasses Thursday I have used every excuse to go exploring with him so he can see how astounding the world around him really is with a good set of eyes. He called every horse we saw a "doddy" (doggie) and then barked at them. He was alive with curiosity and awe. I'm gonna go all cheesy here for a second on you - bear with me. I spent half of my young years in Tampa, Florida and my neighbor, Allison, and I were a little over the top about horses. We played "horses" everyday after getting off the bus from Brandon elementary and somehow through those years we kept up with over 50 "horses" that would roam our back yard and neighborhood. There were a few horses in a fence at the back of our neighborhood and I remember distinctively sitting on that fence in the middle of 5th grade singing "It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday" by Boys II Men to the horses and to my dear friend the day that we moved back to Atlanta. We also spent our summers at horse camp which was really just where we cleaned up the stalls for a half a day in order to go on a few rides around the property. Every morning before horse camp my stomach would turn green out of the anticipation of horse camp for the day. I was that excited. I am sure if were to repeat the same day today I would laugh but to a 10 year old - the freedom to ride on a horse and go as fast or slow and to turn around or choose to take a different path on the trail was absolutely the closest thing to heaven (or driving) for me. So today it all came flooding back in without restriction. William and I patted each of the horses noses and talked about their colors and their hair. He didn't want to be put down but he didn't want to leave either and as expected showed me his true colors as we were walking out of the barn. I, too, was experiencing the same genuine, exhilarating feelings I did nearly 20 years ago with my now-able to see 17 month old son. As you can imagine, I cried and sang the whole way home, grateful for this sweet time with William and for these same feelings that mimicked my sentiments years ago that overwhelmed me then and now. But I was more so grateful for the ability to actually feel that way. Does that make sense?

I've ridden a few horses since my little years and even last year I took the boys to see the horses every month or so. It's just that right now, in this season, my heart is at such a different place to be able to "feel" these little experiences. On the way home I drove past the house that we now - after 9 months of waiting and praying - have under contract. The sun perfectly lit up the back yard and the inviting front porch. And, then Van Morrison came on the radio and of all songs it was one of my favorite but probably the least known. Van reminded me that "whenever God shines his light on {me} {He'll} open my eyes so I can see." Thanks, Van, you were there when I needed you with your simple yet truthful lyrics. Then, I did the sappiest of all things and called my husband who I haven't really spoken to in a few days as he has been away with no cell phone service and I left him what sounded like a mid-Sunday drunken voice message. I told him I was so happy and so grateful for where God has brought us. I thanked him for hanging in there with me last year and told him I was excited for all the "new" this year - a new life, a new house, and for him a new role at his job. And then I did the unthinkable and said words I thought I would never say in my life. I said "I am glad for last year and thankful that we went through it."

What? I almost just puked on the keyboard re-writing those words that I thought were impossible to say or really feel. I think until now, until today, I have been scared to really feel "happy" or to feel that deep down peace that has rooted my faith over all these years. It's like if I admitted I was happy and grateful today than by some weird karma the bad things from last year - the insomnia, the anxiety, the deep deep loneliness of fighting what seemed like a battle we would never win - would come rushing back in, attacking any ounce of peace my little heart had been devouring. Somehow, though, in God's grace, this weekend He put me at peace with accepting the past, being grateful for it, and trusting him with the present and future. I don't know what is to come from this mountain we have climbed. I still have an occasional scary night of sleep and often my mind immediately goes back to the trauma we experienced last year but I also feel like the biggest thing that I was facing, the giant per se, has been defeated. My fear was the giant.

I feared that what I'd always believed and preached - that God can do good through all things and that His timing was perfect...was not actually true. Last year truly made me question everything I had ever believed. But on this other side - I see how the year in itself only strengthened that belief and gave me proof of the very thing I had always lived by. I can honestly say today that God worked out a beautiful thing through what to me was wretched, stinky, awful, and unfixable and by doing so He also gave me new eyes, with a fresh perspective for the little and big things in my life. It's truly like I got my own new pair of glasses and I can see things completely different than I had before even though I didn't know I was not seeing them before at all. But had we not been in that place last year the new glasses wouldn't have had the same impact.

Hang with me - here's the catch: it's not that I was doing anything wrong to not "see" correctly last year. Actually, I've never in my 30 years been more humbled, prayerful, helpless, or determined about anything. Looking back now, I know that I wasn't supposed to be able to see clearly then. I was just supposed to open my hands and allow the experience to change me. God had me right where I was - low, inconsolable, and desperate so that when He finally chose to reveal Himself to me it was that much more glorious. And it is sooo glorious. Not only do I feel like I was saved from the physical and mental exhaustion of insomnia and anxiety but I was spared from walking another day ungrateful for the blessings in my life. Though we thought for sure we would have found our new house much sooner - I think someone new I wouldn't have cared or seen the gift as a blessing were it to have happened last year. Ahhhh....His timing is so perfect!

So William throws his glasses off when he gets angry with me or if he doesn't get his way. In 48 hours we have ran over them with a stroller and lost them in the grocery store twice. But it reminds me of myself - I know my eyes have been opened to something so beautiful but it is easy to go back to my old way of thinking because it is comfortable. I pray that the newness of my changed perspective, and thus more grateful heart, doesn't allow my stubbornness to win. I have been exposed to something so much more valuable than just a fresh bill of health - but rather a completely refreshing way of life. The life bursting with gratitude.

Thanks, Van, you've always been my favorite.
Van Morrison Whenever God Shines His Light On Me Lyrics
Whenever God shines his light on me
Opens up my eyes so I can see
When I look up in the darkest night
I know everythings going to be alright
In deep confusion, in great despair
When I reach out for him he is there
When I am lonely as I can be
I know that God shines his light on me

Reach out for him, hell be there
With him your troubles you can share
If you live the life you love
You get the blessing from above
He heals the sick and heals the lame
Says you can do it too in Jesus name

Hell lift you up and turn you around
And put your feet back on higher ground

Reach out for him, hell be there
With him your troubles you can share
You can use his higher power
In every day and any hour
He heals the sick and heals the lame
Says you can do it too in Jesus name

Hell lift you up and turn you around
And put your feet back on higher ground.