And then there was silence {momentarily}

This is a post in 3 parts. I started this post yesterday morning but in the 30 hours since I've had some good little revelations. I was grateful to come check my email this afternoon and see my two attempts to post yesterday were still on my screen waiting for that divine moment when my head would clear. It's a little clearer now......

Part Uno.
Finally.
After 3 failed attempts this {yesterday} morning the rolling, slobbering, mischievous baby has settled into the looks of a nap. There must have been an angel in his crib whispering sweet nothings to him and warning him of his mom's lurking breakdown if he didn't fall asleep. Today has just been one of those days in the life of a stay at home mom that seem to come around once every 17th day or so when there have been no breaks on the job. Even as I type that I don't believe that I am actually that mom....staying at home while the rest of the world is out conferencing, meeting, collaborating, negotiating, instructing, and serving in some monetarily rewarding way. I guess without a Suburban, PTA meetings, and, scheduled tennis matches while the kids are in school, I somehow don't yet feel like that woman. But by mid afternoon on a day of no naps I do feel like that woman - the same woman in the tennis skirt that has yet to brush her teeth or hair and can barely carry on a conversation because of the constant distraction of a little person tugging on her leg. Who am I, I beg???
******
Part deux. 3 hours later.
Okay, we're back. That little nap was just a ploy to get me to leave Brooks alone long enough to do his bathroom business only to then need me 6 minutes later. It is now 4:07 and the little guy has yet to shut his eyes all day. In lieu of falling to pieces I am resolving to the ever-educational Ellen show in the excersaucer and pretending for 15 minutes that I don't hear him begging for my attention. Luckily in the last hours we went for a walk around the island so things don't seem as hectic as they may have sounded had I actually finished the above post 3 hours ago.

Earlier I was going to share with you just how difficult this season of life has been. There - it's out. I am not needing any sympathy. Empathy rather. Someone to just say they've been here and it's okay. It's not necessarily the "mom" role that is getting to me though you would disagree if you were a fly on our wall and had heard me say the dreaded words to the 6 month old.......SHUT IT! I did. I told, scratch that, I begged (in a louder than usual voice) the baby to SHUT IT. Of course he didn't listen and actually only turned his voice up even louder just to show his disrespect for my wishes.

It is 50-50. The move wears on me on the days when Brooks needs me most. I guess I reason that his neediness (which I know is a beautiful thing) wouldn't be so draining were I back in my old town, doing things the old way. Really, I was just too non-stop in that old life to let one of Brooks' off days get to me. I know this isn't the case and I know that Atlanta and what she represents was a different season - and she had her good and bad days too but among my dark, wood-paneled walls, I start to feel just that....dark and wood-paneled; in need of some serious TLC.

Unfortunately for the house, the owners do not wish for their dark room to be made bright. Therefore, I stir all day attempting to brighten our 24:7 living space with colorful pillows, laughter (even if it's fake), music to dance to, and happy things on the television. I open the windows and burn yummy smelling candles to no avail. The clock in the room seems to follow me everywhere as if to remind me of how much time I spent in the dark room on any particular day. Sorry poor house.....theres not too much more TL I can offer! Fortunately for me personally, I can reap great benefits from a little TLC. Tonight {last night} I am going to the Savannah Yoga center to explore the world of Yoga. I probably shouldn't start with all of the professional hippies in the hot-yoga class but I am desperate. I am craving some time with people that know me and I figure it's a good way to get to know some people in a 90 degree room with other women standing on their head. Afterwards I plan to take it to the local coffee shop to people watch and make a few phone calls to some dear people who can make me feel like everything is just fine and that I am not really as alone as I feel. That's what good friends do. They take you back to your happiest place even if it was years ago and remind you of all the reasons why you are here and why God may be taking you through a particular season. Then tomorrow it is a new day and some things have to change. I can't let 17 days or more go by with no attention to my soul. These walls will swallow me if I do. I have to have a little structure to this lack of structure. I may know 4 people down here but I am going to begin tomorrow by stalking those 4 people until I can be known by someone and know someone truly. Somehow I have got to take back my days. Maybe this really is a little bit about control for me. Right now the baby is winning. I have little to no control over the events of the day and the baby is holding the reigns. Not tomorrow.
***
Part 3. Today.
Well, naps have officially left our vocabulary but things are much better today. I pleaded with God last night to please renew my energy and spirit today and geez have I ever had a prayer answered so rapidly! Luckily Brooks slept peacefully as I asked him to and we had one of our first truly uninterrupted nights in a long time. There was no dog to throw up on our bedroom carpet at 3 in the morning. There were no blinds in the baby's room that decided to fall in the middle of the night and arouse the little one. There were no accidental wake ups due to the new trick of rolling. There were 10+ hours of straight silence and finally I think God worked on me in that still silence. I woke up this morning at 6:10 and without thought I did what I used to do - I got out of bed. I opened the windows, started the coffee and my usual eggs. Then I did as I have been wanting to do for months - I sat down and I read and I thanked God for the apparent energy He gave me overnight. I can't tell you what it did for me to wake up and jump out of bed not because there was a little person crying but because there was silence and I wanted to soak it up! Even though we are now on day 2 of no naps, aka - no breaks for me, I feel much better about life today. I can feel my heart dreaming today about places I want to visit, cards I want to write, businesses I want to start - what have you - my heart is dreaming and that is how I know for sure that God has the reigns on my heart again and thankfully I have the reigns on our days again - even if it means no naps!

By the way.....hotyoga was quite entertaining. My nose was so runny that any downward movement caused me to gag and snort. That certainly didn't add to the serenity of the room. More so, the steamy room and my sweaty feet don't mix. I slid into a split at the mention of a warrior pose. I am not comfortable chanting. I was okay with the breathing and the pretzel like contortions. I felt connected to my body when I was fearing that my left hip was about to fall off but the chanting just didn't do much for me. Luckily the lights were out and no one saw me gawking at my fellow chanters. Overall, the class was a great way for me to give myself some much needed TLC. I even went by Atlanta Bread Company after and treated myself to a giant chocolate chip cookie. Next time I may just go for the cookie - that seems like the best TLC to me.

The end.

{BTW: Brooks is sitting up today without even turning him into a tripod! He is pretty much sitting on his own with just a tumble or two every now and then! Who can nap when you can sit up and look at Amos all day!}