Heart change

I feel like I should title this thing as bluntly as I possibly can so when I need to look back in a few months to recall the time when my heart came alive I could easily find the words. Last week something happened and there is no exact science as to how it happened. I am so grateful that there is no precise conclusion because that proves to me that it is truly God's mercy and nothing more.

Our first month away, if you couldn't tell, I was faking a little bit of my contentment. Moving to a new town, no matter how far away you are, is always one of those defining moments in a young life, well in any life, and I just didn't want another defining moment right after the birth of our first child. Wasn't that defining enough? Not to add, the temporary death of any type of career had been all too defining and really, I was still technically a newlywed. My self-proclaimed positive attitude was really put to a test with this particular defining moment (the move) and honestly, in the first few weeks I didn't want to have anything to do with positive. I'm just so grateful the little man didn't really know what was going on as I would hate for him to remember his mommy in her pj's with a half worn smile.

But alas, something swooped in our window late last week and just pulled on my little heart strings and truly overnight I had a different opinion of the recent string of events. I hope when I read this in the future I can truly remember that this had not-a-thing to do with me because trust me, I didn't really even want to pray towards embracing this move. I can understand now how alcoholics or those suffering of an addiction of any kind - food, drugs, sex, what not - have to want to get better first. I'm not sure what kind of addiction you would label this but I surely didn't want to really be better....it just seemed easier to remain stuck in my sea of negativity (such a harsh word when you actually write it). I knew deep down in these first weeks that though I didn't have the capacity to pray or really to even know what to pray that the Holy Spirit would intercede for me even through my sighs and occasional tears. This was the only thing I did know that “…the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words” (Romans 8:26) Oh, I am so grateful that the Lord knows what I need more than I do. I need a heart change. I need something to remind me of the power of my little motto that I would previously cling to - that life isn't about me, it's about something so much bigger. I had always wanted to make sure I was part of that something bigger and once again I am back on board.

It was funny last Sunday that as we drove through Atlanta from our weekend in the mountains that something inside of me just wanted to keep driving ( I was supposed to spend a week in Atlanta). Oh don't worry, I miss Atlanta because I miss the deep relationships that we have formed. I miss really being known by dear friends who could probably see right through my little "act" for the first month in our new home. And yes, the shallow part of me misses the options and the opportunity in the big town-made-small that I called home for so many years. I think that I had had a taste of this change inside right before we left for a weekend away and I just wanted to get back to see if it was legit.

So Tuesday I put the little character down for an afternoon nap, rolled up my t-shirt to expose my perfectly white belly and I sat in a broken Adirondack chair on the dock. The sun slightly toasted my cheeks and I felt it for real - happy! It may have taken a month, or really, a year or so if you include the time it took to lose a job, spend a year looking for a meaningful one, to surprisingly learning that I was pregnant, to going through a little chaos with Brad's job - but it did happen. Though I am just now starting to feel the result of God's persistence in my life, I did know He was there and at work all along the way - even if I didn't know how to pray. (**Sidenote, I really did roll up my t-shirt like you did when you were in middle school or something and played dress up. Oh the beauty of a secluded dock in your back yard!) Don't get me wrong, it feels great to feel happy but that wasn't really what was missing. It was that deep down belief that all the dots do connect. That things do happen for a reason and that in fact, I am a part of a bigger story. Then, it is living a life that radiates this confidence. Having so recently been on both sides of this - I am assured again that it is much better on this side of the fence.

Here is one for sure thing that changed. On Tuesday I embraced my loneliness. That sounds so fluffy and idyllic but it is so true. I sat in my chair, with a book, a sweet tea, and some forgotten tunes on my ipod (oh, and the water in my backyard (that certainly helps)) and I was happy to be alone. I felt perfectly comfortable by myself. More so, I felt perfectly validated in my role as a wife and a mom. My first month in Savannah the opposite was true and crippled me. I felt so out of place without people to meet for lunch or a church and gym or whatever else to be invested. I couldn't accept that it was noble and worthwhile to just be the best mom I could be to Brooks and the best wife I could be to Brad. Thank goodness, this past Tuesday I knew that these two roles were the most important roles I will ever be given. I was okay that day not seeing anyone, not meeting anyone (other than Brad for lunch which is my favorite thing to do now), and not accomplishing anything more than 2 good naps, a sumptuous/healthy dinner and a load (or 4) of laundry. Oh, and I realized that my pleasure in these seemingly little things could be the most attractive thing about me if I let it be. And though I didn't do it for his accolades, Brad did notice and thought I was quite the heart breaker.

We are now in Atlanta for a few days. I am thankful to be here with a changed perspective. I am excited to enjoy the things I miss and see the friends and family I love without feeling sorry for myself and for our new season of life. Thank you, God, for knowing what is best for me and pursuing my heart despite my stubbornness. You are the ultimate Rescuer.