Amen

My heart is so full just 12 hours after I felt the most broken I may have ever felt. Last night seemed worse than any of the past 30 for some reason. I think I had put alot of hope into a doctors appointment that I went to yesterday and when, in the eerily peaceful hours of the night I was still eyes wide open - I sort of lost my hope. For one of the first times that I can remember I pleaded with God to show me His presence in the midst of this place. The very next sentence I asked for His mercy today when I knew I would be utterly exhausted but still have the four precious eyes below that would look to me for their joy. I don't even recall the quietness of the night as I sit here now, full, because today He has shown me his mercy.


For what can either be called a blessing or a scary-phenomenon I have yet to really really feel the heaviness that my body usually feels after a terrible night of no sleep. We actually ventured to the gym this morning because I was feeling so good. Small mercy on any other day but a big one today.

Then after we stayed out way passed nap time because we were all enjoying the weather and sunshine today both boys surprisginly went down for a late nap. On a normal day, I would be swaying with one baby and acting as a bumper pad to the other one who would be throwing his head against the wall. Small mercy on any other day but a big one today.

And then, as if I couldn't feel any more "seen" by God I put my pandora radio on the Need To Breathe station and I can't tell you how perfectly refreshing each song has been to my tired soul. Sheryl Crow sings a song that I love, especially over a glass of wine by the fire. Today an artist I had never heard of recovered the song, I shall Believe. His name is Matt Brouwer I think and I know nothing of him but he was another instrument to my peaceful heart today. For some reason these words spoke to every ounce of me like they never had before.

Come to me now
And lay Your hands over me
Will You find me tonight
Say it will be alright
And I will believe

Broken in two
I know You're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe

That not everything Is gonna be
The way you think it ought to be
It seems like everytime I try and make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly You won't give up on me
And I shall believe

Open the door
And show me Your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like You
And You hold the key

Never again will I turn away from You
I'm so heavy tonight
But Your love is alright
And I do believe


I can now not only say but prove that I do believe that God has this in His hand. I am so thankful for the usually small glimpses of grace that today have laid the foundation of my faith.

Everyone's least favorite friend (and daughter, and wife, and mother)

It's the insomniac.

I would like to be a stand up comedian in the wee hours of the night and crack jokes about the crazy insomniac. Yesterday I asked Brad when we get back to normal if he would like to do insomnia with me? He said we've already been doing that. I was referring to "insanity" the 60 day workout craze that has hit households everywhere.

Yesterday morning I had coffee with some other mom's with two under two. Poor ladies. Two of them have baby-babies and are still waking in the night to feed a little person. I have true sympathy for them because that is a hard season of life and the exhaustion level is unfathomable - especially with another mini-tornado at home to entertain. Of course, it was obvious they were shy to complain of any lack of sleep because of the insomniac across the table. Really though, the cool thing about insomnia is I don't get tired so I really do have oodles and oodles of sympathy for my new mommy friends who are having sleep disturbances with a waking newborn.

Further, you can tell on the phone each day with my husband or highly tolerant mother that they don't want to ask the normal question at the beginning of a phone conversation. "How are you?" Unfortunately, for the insomniac that just begs for a play by play of how unsettling your last 10 hours were while the rest of the world slept.

Anyway, I have been very real with this "dilemma" since it began for one purpose only. Yes, maybe someone somewhere can relate and will have an encouraging word or two but that isn't the reason for my transparency. I believe in full disclosure because deep down I am certain that this valley will be someone else's valley one day soon. Or maybe it won't be the same exact disfunction but it will be one that will rock someone's world the way this has rocked ours this last season. I've always had a hard time with the scripture that refer to "delighting in trials." That may be for you but for me I just don't find myself delighting in hardship, knowing that it is bringing about something greater. But I can honestly say this time that I am confident that God will use my story in a way that is much bigger and much more impactful than I could have imagined...and by that time hopefully I won't even remember what it feels like to have forgotten how to sleep.

So, to those of you who have to see me fairly often - thank you for asking the dreaded question even though you know the answer won't be pretty. Thank you, too, for your prayers. I feel them - especially in the wee wee hours of the morning when my body wants to be doing jumping jacks in a snow storm. I look forward to sharing stories of redemption and healing very very soon.

On Hold, part 2

I reread yesterdays blog late last night. Like I normally do, I never fully proofread a post before it posts. I have always been like this like even with research papers. I would just know that the work I did was good and that at the time I wrote the words I adequately expressed what I was trying to say. Yesterday, though, I should have proofread. While the details were pretty accurate and the list pretty daunting the general idea came across all wrong. I went to bed with beautiful sentences in my head in order to refute the cynicism that was apparent in the post from yesterday but I woke up with mush so here a few pictures for my argument against my argument.
While my list of things left undone for a few years looked pretty long and daunting to those of you thinking you one day might like to actually procreate (you've probably already left my blog if you are of that category) I also get to experience some pretty amazing moments full of discovery and pure innocence. Just to start... Monday morning I came in from brushing my teeth to this...I marvel at the determination and imagination of a toddler. I am not sure his order to this madness but he preceded to stack every condiment from the refrigerator and then place each item back, three times over. Who needs Fisher Price when you have a fully stocked fridge?

Last week while I did the thing that I say I'll never do again, the little man started to mimic the doctor right in front of his face....gloves and all. And while that sounds cute and funny to the observer, it truly is fascinating to watch a little human as his mind is churning and putting the pieces together.


And though many days our house feels like it shrinks over night or else the brightly colored toys expand, the joy that swells that house when these little people giggle is overwhelming. This is the kind of entertainment that can not be bought or recreated.


But then to get to see Mr.mini-me and mr. mini-Brad begin to interact with each other that just takes the cake. There is not an item on the list below that I would have checked off to trade for the sweetness of two brothers coming to understand that they are in this thing together.....as crazy and messy as it often may be.

I'll take the overflowing list of things on hold for many more years as I truly know these years will be past us soon and I will truly wish I had not been preoccupied with the right pillows for my bed.

On Hold

There will be nothing earth shattering about this post to many of you. In fact, even if you have yet to have children of your own you probably have experienced even more so the holding pattern that has become the life of your friends with kids. I used to think that this trait was a "choice" rather than a given and in that case I was going to certainly not put the rest of the world and the rest of my life on hold while I was occupied raising babies. And though I went into a little cocoon for a very short while when the oldest was born I don't think it lasted longer than 2 weeks and as I had hoped it didn't stop me from doing much that I wanted to do. With one fairly portable little man - he was just a cute accessory to my already pretty fashionable life. I had definitely had my days that seemed like revolved around no one else but the baby but trust me, I didn't lose any sleep over it and I made up for any loss of activity the next day.

Now that we have added another child to the tax return my perspective has done an about face....completely. I honestly can't list one thing except for the boys that seems to be growing, getting bigger or more advanced, or changing so quickly. Everything...I mean every thing is on hold for these short years and not at all by choice but by design.

Brad and I have made attempt after attempt to stick to a budget. This January we've done better than ever before but seriously, the last thing on my mind in these days is our net worth at the end of the day. This drives Brad crazy so luckily he is left to worry and dream about this but for me - the budget is on hold.

What about personal maintenance? Oh y'all.. I know I should because it is good for me but I can't remember the last time I cut my hair or swallowed a vitamin! I force myself to drink water all day hoping that it will wash away all of my bad habits and lack of personal maintenance. I have two gift certificates for a manicure and pedicure and I think about them every single day. When the stars align I vow to actually cash in on these sweet gifts but for now my toes remain colorless and my nails have yet to grow the way a real lady would approve. One of these days......

Those are just a few examples but in lieu of sounding cynical or negative I'll end with a list. Dear items on my list, I know I'll get back to you one day soon and I promise it wasn't because of lack of desire that I have had to leave you on the side for awhile. For now, there just isn't much more of me to give but I know these babies won't be babies forever so I am okay having to wait awhile to get back to "me."
*house decor
*pilates license
*organizing my closet
*joining a couples small group again
*Christmas thank you notes! (embarrassing! And this is from the queen of thank you notes!)
*dear friendships (Luckily my dearest peeps understand this)
*Girls trips
*travel
*A real exercise routine
*A truly clean car
*A list of books dying to be read not having to do with growth spurts and sleep disorders!
*Emails from friends asking for favors rather small or large
*Party planning
*Saving
*Purchasing nice furniture
*redoing our bedroom to feel more inviting
*buying a home
*keeping up with birthday's and sending cards the way I used to
*learning about new music.....Brad and I share a love for this but sadly the last concert we attended was 3 years ago!
*going to the movies
*really finding a new church home (though this is a priority)
*cleaning out my sock drawer and donating all unused items in our house to a ministry
*getting involved with high school ministry again
*sleeping through the night
*reading a few Psalms and a Proverb a day (I've started this 3 times now)
*yes, putting my WEDDING pictures into albums and having a few pictures framed
*not kidding, ORDERING birth certificates for my two children (I had to confess this)
*weekly date nights
*and of course, writing daily the way I would like

But....as I've said, I know these days are long but the years are short and soon enough I'll get back to my unfinished projects and I'll be wishing I was cleaning up cars from the corner and wiping spit up off the couch. Thanks for giving me a few years off, sweet friends!

Cool or slightly dorky?

You choose.

I have loved my iphone ever since my techo-dorky husband gifted me with it weeks after the birth of William. Every mom needs an iphone I am convinced and if you would like to use me to convince your sig other of the same then I will be happy to be your cheerleader. We use it as a camera, sound machine, ABC learner, list creator just to name a few. One feature I don't love but use because I love a good calendar is the calendar. I love to look at the month and see little dots on days that we have things planned. For me, an outing a day is a necessity in this game with young children and as much hassle as it is to even start the car I am always glad I made the effort.

Anyway, last week I looked up the month of January and there were only 3 dots for the WHOLE month. One, you could guess was my 30th birthday last weekend because you know.....I might need to remember that is my actual birthday since I've only talked about it for maybe 4 months now. The second dot was a reminder that my bible study starts back next Tuesday and I couldn't be more ready! The last dot is by far the most important but maybe the most embarrassing. You can decide. Is it cool or slightly dorky that this entry is on my calendar for next Tuesday....in ALL CAPS.

Tuesday, January 25th.
MOE'S BROOKHAVEN GRAND OPENING. FREE BURRITO.

No lie.

You choose.

Baby giggles

Lastnight I crashed an outdoor concert that a neighbor of mine was hosting for over 100 young adults in his back yard. An angelic voice lifted beautiful words above our rooftops for nearly 3 hours and I enjoyed about half of it - uninvited of course. The get-together was mostly made up of 25-35 year old singles who I assume attend my church here in Atlanta because I'm pretty sure it is rated the best place to meet other singles. I'm sure 4 years ago I would have been right up in the middle of the crowd, singing, and thinking more in depth about my role in the world...all the while hoping someone somewhat cute was standing next to me thinking that I was cute, too. In the middle of the concert the host placed some questions on the projector screen mostly having to do with our purpose especially as it relates to relationships and our career. Though that part of my story has been answered - the questions sat with me for the rest of the night and through today. Here I was, in my pajamas, having slept no more than 3 hours the night before, and having to have snuck away from my "job" in order to even bombard the little gathering. I couldn't have come from a more different "career" but nonetheless, I was really hit with the crappy way I have treated my job lately and I am so glad last night was the night that helped me realize this.

I've based the value of my work day on the length of time in the afternoon that both boys happen to be asleep together. I should have learned 5 months ago that this was the worst measure out there and that most often, I would lose. Even worse though, I have truly wished that the next 4 months would go by, and that the sun would come back out, and that the temperatures would warm back up, and that the boys would grow out of the stages they are in now - tantrums, short naps, and unnecessary crying. Though I hadn't thought much about being a mom before I became one I did know I didn't want to be "that" mom, the one that constantly boasted of how impossible her day was in between diapers, bottles, fusses, messes, and tears. That's the same mom that can only answer how her day has been based on the amount of work she has had to do revolving the little people. And guess what....lately, I have become that mom. Everytime I feel myself "going there" I taste it and it tastes terrible.

So thankfully last night was so good for me. I woke up today, still not too rested, but my heart had rested and my outlook on my day job was much better. We enjoyed getting out of the house this morning no matter how un-put together I looked or how many items I had to grab to even get out the door. We made our rounds to the gym, the pediatrician, and the store and then we hit up the neighborhood play group this afternoon. It was fun. Like, really fun. Brooks was laughing so hard in teh grocery cart at Publix that people were coming around the aisle to look into the commotion. There was nothing abnormally funny but to him it was slap-your-mama kinda funny and to me it was so so cute. Then at the pediatrician I had William in the baby carrier on my front and though I looked like a woman whose life you would not envy - I was so proud to have had nearly 50 pounds of "boy" to carry around in order to make the appointment. (Yes, the pediatrician is in our "rounds" these days as we've made 3 trips in 10 days!) Anyway, things were really good today and not that they were any different than yesterday but I was able to enjoy our "normal" and not wish away the hours or count the minutes until Brad walked through the door. And then just as it should be, my little heart lesson ended perfectly today at playgroup. All of the kids are several years older than Brooks. They are all precious and mostly sweet but I couldnt help but notice the innocence of my 20 month old. He tried his best to play cars with the older boys and then he made it his job to to quietly sit and devour some goldfish at a kids table while the other kids ran through the house like tornados. All the while, sweet William was just happy being in the room and being aknowleged occassionally. It's not that they were amazingly sweet babies today - it's just that their age is sweet. They may be fully hands on and I may be physically exhausted each day but they can't yet do for themselves and there was something so refreshing about that today. I actually saw their dependence on me as an asset and not a thing to wish away.

I left the playgroup just wanting to go home and play with my babies and soak up their bright eyed wonder. I know every mom with older children will say that I should enjoy these days because they fly by and I always politely nod my head but today it actually hit me....this stage IS only temporary and while I normally say that to "get through" the day - today I saw it the other way around. It is temporary and never again will I get to hear these edible giggles from the little people in my house.....so innocent...so trusting.....so satisfying.

For the firs time in my life

I am speechless.

I have written a blog each day since last Thursday and I have yet to publish one of them. None of them seem right and most of them seem a little too honest and not enough filtered for my blog world. Especially following the best blog of my life posted by my husband last Thursday. Really, that is why I haven't posted. I didn't want to move the title further down the page and further away from reality. But I also don't want to fade into nothingness and die a slow blog death so I am making myself write something but I'll admit - it's the hardest it's ever been. Mostly for the sake of documentation I want to be able to adequately communicate just what our world is like right now. I haven't even taken the wrapping off either baby book, nor have I framed a picture of either of our boys in over a year so I know this is my last hope. I guess I am a little weary of writing because I know that what we are feeling right now is only temporary. I know that soon enough we will find energy, rest, and strength again but for right now - we have been really knocked down in the sand. Writing that truthful statement brings me much joy, too, though, as I know that I know that I know that that is when I am able to cling to the Lord the most - probably like you - when I am at the bottom....or close to it.

So, here's my meek attempt to make a little something of the last 10 days and the big-bad-30th birthday:

Let's just say you could have shoved a bag of marshmallows in my mouth last Thursday when I opened my home page on our computer and saw a blog post, ironically and unprecedentedly NOT written by me. I actually noticed the title but it didn't register that I hadn't written the post until about 30 minutes later after I had actually brushed my teeth. That's a surprise in itself. {Gross}. I cried on the spot and called my mama as every good girl does when their husband does a really good thing. I'm not kidding, the surprise alone was worth more than a trip to Bora Bora. I have never in my now thirty (gross} years been surprised. I even had a slight suspicion of our engagement and while it was still magical - I hated that I had a suspicion. I really didn't care if we even went anywhere - the surprise alone was truly the most wonderful gift I have ever received. Though I'd love to give you gushy details about our amazing get away the kidderoos come first and so do their ear infections. So, that's "1" for an ear infection and "0" for the "getaway" column. But....no worries - we are hoping to take our overnight getaway this weekend and I hope that we are going to our beloved Classic city an hour to the east....but we'll see...

The surprises didn't end there. On the day of my actual birth my mom and I went to enjoy a day together while Brad managed the little people. As we sat at a favorite lunch spot I looked up and saw what I had thought were two of my oldest friends (not by age), the Charleston Bohemians - Fran and Ashley - walk around the corner. I looked back down at my phone and then back up to realize the surprises were only getting better! What a thrill to have squealed like a little girl as soon as I saw their sweet faces and it clicked that this was actually real and not some crazy post-melatonin type dream. The people next to us certainly choked on their chicken salad with my explosion but I didn't care.....I had been surprised in the best kind of way....again! The birthday story could have and should have ended there but my mom and husband were not going to let this monumental birthday getaway without an adequate Betsy-kind of party. I'm talking disco ball, a fully transformed porch with heating lamps, a tv, and all and a specialty birthday concoction just for the night. My mom sure knows how to throw a party and with the help of the most hard working husband I know - I felt truly celebrated and energized for my new decade.

That energy may have only lasted a day but it did feel so good to have some time away from the little people in order to dream about my 30's. I don't believe that that is my real age but I guess it may be a year that has to grow on me. It was the first time this past weekend that the response to how old I was turning was "wow, you don't seem that old" rather than "gosh, you are such a baby!" I'm okay with that though. I am more certain than any other year that there will be a peace that I claim in my heart that I have never felt before. I have spent too much of the end of my twenties fighting the things that were happening out of my control. After losing that battle I know I am finally ready to thrive in my lack of control and rest in God's good and perfect story for my life.

Let's end there. That all sounds pretty rosy and that is how I want to remember my 30th birthday. The other stuff is silly, little stuff that seems to take all the joy out of the big stuff like birthday surprises and new decades.

Insert deep breath here. I can finally hit "Publish post." Thank you to my sweet mama, my selfless husband, my dear Nana, my siblings, my inlaws, and my sweet friends for giving me so many happy moments this past weekend. It is true, I love a good birthday and this was certainly one of them. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Here's to looking up and not at the dirty diaper on the floor or the mess of 4 loads of laundry and colorful Fisher Price toys in front of me.

Pack Your Overnight Bags

Yes Betsy. This is actually your husband. I managed to sneak into your blog to deliver a bit of BIRTHDAY news. Pack your bags! We are leaving town mid-morning on Sunday for a post 30th night away. Nothing too crazy, but it does involve zero kiddos.

Love,
Husband

That's SnO Funny

I think the white stuff is getting to me. On day 4 of this fog of a week everything seems funny. I'm thankful for this change in my attitude as Tuesday night I went to the darkside - yes, just a few hours after I wrote about "staying positive." Not only did my thoughts go down the toilet but so did my dinner, breakfast of bread and milk and lunch of the same. Sorry to go there but we're keepin it real here just in case this is truly our only connection to the outside world for several more days - you know, I need to have a log of our final days.

I just LOL'd (I have never actually written that but it is fitting today) at 3 things at one time and because you are probably home, too, in your dirty pajamas, looking for any kind of entertainment - here you go. Of course, in a list form again because that is the only way I can think today. What day is it? Who am I?

1) Karen Minton and Jill Becker have got to stink. Have they been home for some deodorant? They're as dear as they can be in a Southern type way but you can tell the camera lights have fried the last few brain cells. The humor this morning tastes like a three day old co-cola. S-T-A-L-E. And though I normally think the jolly weather guy, Chesley, is precious, his "wizometer" readings look like a SNL skit. Of course, who is the loon who can't turn the news off just in case I miss a closing. Last night Brad tried to flip the channel just as the "D" closings were coming up. "Stop, I exclaimed! I need to see if Dekalb schools are closed!" Brad, in his amazing-togetherness during this snow-craziness said, "Why? You don't have kids that go to school." "I just need to know, Brad." Is that how you feel? I feel like I need to know who and what is open and functioning just in case we actually venture out of our 'hood. Never before did I think I would watch 4 days of school and business closings incessantly. Good thing we pay too much money for cable.

2) Hooray for city of Chamblee waste management. Twice a week the oldest truck-loving boy watches the garbage truck come by with undeserved excitement. Today he waited for the glimmer of hope to come strolling down the street and when it did he seemed a little let down. "No, bi' truck. Where bi' truck go?" Though the city of Chamblee pick up truck doesn't ilicit the same emotion from the toddler - I was a little emotional, moved rather, to see one city worker out trying to make life normal for his town. You can tell whose house was overridden with stinky diapers because those two houses, icluding ours were the only ones that braved the icey driveway and the 12 degree wind chill to make sure the garbage was out on time. Nice work, hubby! You came through when it mattered.

3)We need a poll. Are you of the "I'm stuck here and I'll remain stuck until Jill Becker tells me it's okay" type or are you of the "I don't care who's sliding down Peachtree - I'm getting out" type? We were the latter last night. Stomach bug and all....we gathered in Brad's big truck (though big, no 4WD) and thought we'd conquer the city with our rain boots and ponchos. Nope, the city won. We did a full circle around Buckhead and ended up almost in Roswell at the first appealling eatery to two sour stomachs that was actually open for business. That was the most costly bowl of mashed potatoes I will ever eat but the fun times had by all were worth the drive. And who doesn't love to watch their husband sweat a little as his all-terrain-all-powerful truck slides back and forth on a side street, resulting in a backwards drive for 1/4 a mile? I do, I do!

So here's to day 4 of this mess! I know now that I have mentioned the stomach bug to the www - and I know our friends who were our friends before the snow storm will not call us for two weeks now because of this mention. Even my own mama (God love her) didn't call us yesterday I think in fear that the germs would fly over the airways. (I'd be the same way, mama...no hurt feelings)But....rest assured, we are on the mend and the internet doctor whom is the only reliable source when you are snowed in - tells us we are not contageous after 24 hours. Please hang out with us as soon as this mess has melted. We are literally starved for a new face over here. Yay, Brooks, let's go sort your box of shoes again. It get's more fun after the 23rd time! Thank goodness for cartoons and a mom and dad that don't yet have a "theory" on how much television a toddler should watch.

Snowing crazy,

BBBB

Staying positive

I could list 17 things that are wrong with the picture today but I will choose my attitude right now and "voila" everything is suddenly rose tinted and bright. You see, this is the last week of my twenties and though I would never have pictured it cooped up inside with no access to the outside world due to the Snowpacalypse-2011 as it has been called - I also wouldn't have pitcured my last precious days as a twenty-something being spent with a chip on my shoulder.

So here goes the good....And another list for you:
1) The most entertaining thing so far this week was witnessing my macho husband cautiously back his big ole truck up the driveway. We owe our neighbor a new bush or two along with the other random items we have borrowed the last few days but we are out....and ready for work tomorrow!
2)Speaking of.... I've loved getting to be all lovey-dovey with our neighbors the last few days. We have shared most of our meal times together, her children have called me mom, and I was just about to dump my laundry at her house since we were out of detergent until Brad made a "necessary" trip to the store with all the other looneys who they have cautioned not to drive.
3) We have made good use of the firewood that took a day to load and and a day to unload. It is well worth the work today as we are snug by the fire.
4) Brad's fever that seemed to have appeared after he threw himself down the street on top of a plastic sled looking thing last night - all in the name of manhood - is only a low 99 now. (I am really praying this doesn't amount to anything more. That may be the last straw...)
5) I was able to wear my ski pants that were a small fortune a few years ago and were only worn once. Don't you love that? I always knew I would need those pants one day!
6) Luckily, cookie dough was included in our trip for the essentials. Publix may have been out of bread and milk but they had cookie dough on sale!
7) The boys decided we needed a break after 4 days of light torture and they are now both napping...at the same time.....a-mazing!
8) Its sort of fun (but not for much longer) to see what random meals you can come up with from what is left in the pantry. Pineapple and shrimp tacos anyone? Anyone?
9) Babies look cute bundled up in the snow. Wouldn't you agree?





And just as a treat to you on this snowy day, here are a few of the boys lately.

Sunday, snow, soup, scars, sleep and 30

I have written 4 different posts this week and saved each of them before finishing. They were each equally as earth shattering and equally as difficult to finish given the state of the house this week. As you could guess, the state of the house has been shaky at best. Here are the ailments that I have heard this week from either myself or one of the boys - sleepy, moody, queasy, bored, achy, whiny, exhausted, and needy...if that counts as one. The only person who really had anything to complain about was the infant who unfortunately had to spend a night at the Children's hospital this week. The rest of the stuff going on happened to actually make the hospital stay a retreat for me and the little guy!

So, in no certain order - here are my thoughts on a Sunday night.
1) Marriage and offspring have allowed Sunday to move close to first place of my favorite day of the week. In college and after I hated a drowsy Sunday. The weather always seemed gross and everyone always seemed too tired or too hungover to do any of my favorite things with me. But now I have come to love Sundays. I love eating an early supper because it just feels "okay" on a Sunday. I love spending the time with Brad and the boys around the house and I love eating a big Sunday breakfast. Of course most of my joy evolves around food. Well with the Holidays just behind us Sundays have been hectic lately - consisting of travel and tedious house projects all aimed to simplify our living space that seems to have been invaded by mini-people. Today was right on par with the last several Sundays....a late arrival to church followed by a fairly crazy day of cleaning and organizing. But now we are finally still. The boys have been asleep for hours, the floors have never been so clean, the toys are hidden, and everything (atleast on the first floor) is in it's own place. Ahhh....I love Sunday's again and I am looking forward to the bland-normalcy of our usual Sunday to return this winter.

2) We bought a sled yesterday before the rest of Atlanta thought to buy one. I am pretty sure that because we bought the sled and I actually bought bottled water in case we can't shower or something - it probably won't snow at all. You see, Brad and I have some how missed every single "good" snow here in the capital city so we have decided we will chase the snow wherever it will be. But for now, we are waiting and watching to see what old man winter might bring. Side note - as cool as it may be to have a snow day and get off work or get off from school, the actual thought of having a snow day with two people who can't do anything for themselves makes me a little queasy..per the above. We certainly don't own any type of clothing that will make playing in the snow fun and I don't see Brooks being a part of us dressing in trash bags in order to go outside. More so, if this so called snow locks us in doors - as prisoners in our own home - I hope it doesn't last more than half a day. After that you can find me somewhere in a car, stuck in the snow, far far far away.

3) Shouldn't I have already made the yummy soup that we are planning to eat during the great snow in? All I have thought about all day is how perfect it would be to eat soup tomorrow in the cold but then I have also heard that if it rains/snows more than 2 hours here our power WILL for sure go out. Will we resolve to cook soup over a fire? Now that could be interesting...

4) So William has a tiny scar under his eye. Every time I look at it I love him a little more and I pity him a little more, too. He is just so pleasant and so innocent. It is crazy to think that in the 14 months that separate the two boys is enough to turn an innocent baby in to a tornado-toddler! Anyway, William got a little booboo above his eye by accident this week. I was away so after I had a neighbor assess the damage that had sounded like William's head fell off - I met Brad at the hospital with our precious boy. Thank goodness, the little guy has a big, fat, tough head and he came away with minor bleeding on his brain - enough to keep us in the hospital but not enough for anything more. It was one long night of worry, prayer, and ultimately smiles as we learned all would soon be okay with our sweet little guy. This little trip to the ER did alot for us. I will write more about it later but it was a huge event for our family. We realized that we are not invincible and neither are our children. Things can change in an instant. Luckily, our outcome was bubblegum and gum drops but it could not have been and I know it won't always be. My heart has been so grateful this week for the Lord's protection of our family.

5) Yesterday morning we WOKE the boys up at 9:45 in the morning. I'm not kidding. This has NEVER happened in the last 20 months. At first I thought our sitter from the night before had taken them home with her when she left Friday night. Don't shake a finger at me - we did eventually check on them but goodness, the quiet morning was exactly what I needed this hectic week! I know it's not admirable to wish your children to sleep their life away but let's be honest - they are just so darn sweet and faultless when they are snoozing. I think I would be just fine if babies woke up close to 10 everyday and went back down for a nap at 1 and then down for bed at 7. Yes, I am grateful that William's sweet head was protected from long-term damage but I think my heart is just as grateful for my unexpected morning with Brad yesterday.

6) I turn 30 on Saturday. For real. I just saw 4 gray hairs. My knees don't bend that well but despite all of the aging that is about to catch up with me I am ready for my new decade! 5 more days of youth as my mama has reminded me.

Most perfect first monday morning

pajamas
coffee
one napping boy
one playing boy
sesame street
sunshine
no more fever
eggs cooked perfectly
a little less congestion
a new year
clean sheets
12 days until the big big day

and

Passion 2011 online {Session #3 is what we are watching now.}

I am left with this question that I hope bothers me today - Am I living a life that is worthy of the gospel that I say I believe?

Certain

Contrary to our norm, we are actually kind of enjoying this rained out new years day underneath our own roof and between our own four walls...as small as they sometimes feel.....not that we don't enjoy being in the house but we are usually on the go and rarely home for a whole day. I stayed up late last night. Actually that is quite an understatement kind of like "having two babies under one roof is a challenge" is quite the understatement. I actually didn't fall asleep until when I used to get up to go work out before work and then 58 minutes later a little boy wanted my arms to hold him. But during my awake hours last night I conjured up some big thoughts for the new year. I wrote them down in the journal that seems to now take alot longer to get to the last page than it used to and I sat quietly for the first time in a long while. Like, my heart was quiet and still, too. I didn't fall asleep thinking that today would start off with a parade and end with a cake but I did kind of think I'd feel a little different....a little more energized and peppy after my mid-night power session on the couch alone last night. But then we woke up to a downpour and while the weather shouldn't interfere with any new years resolutions - I guess I had pictured the windows open and the sun shining through in order to kick start the new start. Fortunately, the rain allowed us to stay in our pajamas until well past lunch and even snack time and the routine chores of any other normal non-new years day allowed Brad and I again to appreciate having a companion to make the most out of diapers, bottles, and temper tantrums.

So Brad and I have decided that the New Year for us would start tomorrow - and a half. Meaning, I don't see us jumping into the morning with a whole new game plan but hopefully by mid-day we'll be geared up for our new intentions, our new look (Brad is saying bye-bye to the 3 month old beard), and our new attitude. One thing is for certain for me this year. I want to be certain.

It seems like I have spent much of my first 3 decades questioning my decisions, questioning the way God made me, and sadly in this season, sometimes even questioning the story He has written for me. In this new year and this new decade (as 30 is right around the corner) I want to be certain that I am sure of myself in every way that might look. I want to be confident in the way we raise these two children- not looking to our family or friends or society to dictate how I might mother them. Last night I ready Psalm 86. I would write it out for you but I think it'd do more to look it up. The psalm was so comforting to me. I read it over and over and over and each time a different phrase lingered in my mind. I pray as the psalmist wrote that I have an "undivided heart" this year. That is where my parenting 101 should come from - the psalms, the new testament....a book full of so much wisdom that so often gets overshadowed by the leading Pediatrician or child psychologist of the day. I do believe God made me to be a certain kind of mother to these two little men (right now just a tired mother) and even when at times I feel that deep nudging feeling that I know what is best - I often allow my opinion to be swayed. I don't want to sway. In addition, I want to be certain of my allegiances. It's been something that has always followed me. You see, I love to say yes to you and to everyone else. I love to be everything to everyone and this Christmas we learned the hard way - that we have to take care of our family of 4 before anything else. Our family is our ministry right now. As much as I want to organize the neighborhood supper clubs or train for something grand like a marathon- I am certain of this - that that is not where God has me today. And lastly, I want to act as though I am certain that God has written my story. As easily as I say that so often on this blog, my actions don't always prove that I really believe this refreshing little truth. What a freeing way to live to just accept that God has me as a mom and a wife in a house inside the perimeter and nowhere else....not at a corporate job, not in a big house in the burbs.....and not wondering if I might have children one day. Crazy I know.....I have atleast a moment a day where I literally think, Is this my life? Is this really me? I don't think that because I don't like it - I just don't remember how I got here! I can so easily remember lying awake at night not because my hormones were having a party but because I wondered if God really had someone to be my forever co-pilot?

Anyway, here are a few things that I am certain of this new year.

1) I want to be more grateful. Period.
2) I want to be more graceful towards Brad, the boys, and especially myself.
3) I want to be more prayerful. This sounds all light and airy but there is so much substance to this statement. My hope is that this is the year that I remember for the rest of my life as the year I spent on my knees taking everything...I mean everything to God who knows my best before I can even conceive it.

I can tell you I am already on top of number one - I am soooo grateful for a new year and a fresh start and a renewed spirit and hopefully some sleep (and no more pregnancies for awhile!)