Atleast I am not pregnant and 70

To the maybe two grandmother's that read this blog (and both are far from 70), I apologize in advance if my opinion offends you. I just don't want to be 70 and pregnant. Thank you, God, for letting me go through this birthing thing on this side of the hill rather than the other side. But, to each his own......
Yesterday the doctor sent my head spinning, my heart breaking, and let's just say - my birthing equipment, well......cramping from anticipation of what I thought was not to come for atleast three weeks. I be-bopped into my usual post lunch-Wednesday appointment feeling like a new creation. I had enjoyed a quiet morning alone and all before 1pm I had been into 9 different businesses and successfully checked every single thing off my list sans one small little task that really was just added to make my list a little longer and a little more challenging. More so, I had exercised without the worry of a mad 1 year old in the nursery AND had actually showered AND put some make up on AND for the first time in months - I would admit I felt pretty darn good. Oh, and I had really hit it off with the cashier lady at Babies R Us and she had graciously extended a discount to me on a large item even though my coupon wasn't to start until today. And yes, that makes me feel like a winner. Oh, and, not to add - It was one of those days, too, where I was just pretty funny. I managed to cause quite the commotion with the doctors office staff as I joked with them about how I would not see them for a loooooooong time after two years of visiting the office with a belly button screaming "hello."

I didn't leave the office with quite the same confidence. Actually, I left in tears and heart burn caused from the bomb that was dropped on me os-so-casually by the doctor. According to his predictions, this nameless second child would like to come out sooner than I had been "willing" him to and I better be ready. "Like, how ready," I said. "Like, very ready," said the debbie-downer-doctor. "I would be sure your bag is packed tonight."

Now for anyone who has even had a friend have a baby - you know that the whole finale of pregnancy is completely unreliable, unpredictable, and inconsistent. There is no rhyme or reason to labor and it is different for everyone. I laugh at all the websites that try to predict when babies will come or suggest ways of making the baby come. Really, I think all of the home-remedies that I so freely offer to other want-to-be-laboring moms and that I tried myself - are just really good things to do for a soon to be mom but they don't speed up a baby from coming when the baby clearly plans it's own entrance into the world. I mean, who wouldn't want to sip a glass of wine while eating spicy food and having her feet rubbed after a long, leisurely walk and maybe some *&# {deleted for parental control but just think - the way you make the baby is what they say sometime will make the baby want to come out.} More so, I almost hate to inquire about a doctors appointment with a friend who is in the final stage of growing a baby.....things just aren't predictable and even a doctor who sees babie's born all day won't predict a thing! With all that said, my "will" for the baby to come a few days after his due date just doesn't seem to be in the cards but - as I just concluded - he could surprise us all! But I was a little convinced that this may actually happen when the doctor said he doesn't bet but he'd bet his career that I won't see 39 weeks of pregnancy! What??? I am supposed to go to a painting class that week and have lunch with two friends! What? I think I have just been planning my calendar and adding dates well into August in anticipation that the alien-like-contorting-constantly-baby would jump on board.

In all seriousness though....this really threw me for a loop yesterday. I'm pregnant. Yes, that's what the doctor confirmed, and when you are pregnant, the baby has to come out. For the first time in my life there is no exit plan, no way out, no better alternative. I feel irreverent even saying that and it doesn't disconnect me from so many of my dear friends who are so excited about their pregnancies - it just makes me real. I have been in absolute denial about this baby for nearly 10 months now and yesterday I was faced with the most harsh reality yet - that I am really pregnant and there is really a baby on his way....in the pretty near future. I lay awake last night just thinking of everything and nothing at the same time but all the while - not wanting to fall asleep because that would mean I would be hours closer to this reality.

Now that you feel like I am a horrible person with a sour heart let me tell you the mushy side of the news I received yesterday. As scared as I am of what our new life will look like......as scared as I am of how Brooks, who is still very much a baby will respond to this new person......as much as I am selfish and I don't want our routine and our little world to be changed.....as much as I feel lost as a woman because of these seemingly abnormal feelings about bringing a child into this world - I KNOW BENEATH IT ALL THAT THIS IS GOD's PERFECT PLAN FOR ME. I know that there are some huge things in store for our marriage because of this intrusion. I know there are unfathomable things coming my heart's way.....I know that my pride and sometimes lack of vulnerability will be shattered by this innocent life. I know that this newborn child will have a perfect place in our extended families. He will bond with our parents and our siblings and their kids and he may even be used at some point in his life to draw our families closer. What a beautiful thought. This little boy will teach me things that I never would have learned had he not come along and I will be better for it and people that I interact with and love with benefit, too. I don't say all of this lightly. I can whole heartily say that as scared as I am right now, in this hour, for what has to happen - I am all the more confident that it is supposed to and that this person will break down my walls, build up my esteem, challenge me like never before, and offer me grace when I need it most - all at the same time.

Long sigh........what a relief to know that even my own sour heart can not detour the plans of the Lord. As I am about to hit PUBLISH on this blog I feel quite a bit lighter, and, yes, a little more excited of what is to come in the maybe-near-future (though I would love a few days to get my toes painted, the floors cleaned, our pictures made before we are a family of 4, and to go on a date with the husband that puts up with all of me.)

Atleast I am not 70 years old and about to have a child as the show on TLC just previewed. Oh goodness, God knew I would be a colossal wreck by then!